Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Happy birthday, @JoeBiden ! Today you may be 78, but in two months, you’ll be 46.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

This time of year I love watching the states change color.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

The human body was not made to expend this much energy thinking about Pennsylvania.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

One thing I know for sure: no one on the right side of history has ever had to nitpick what the definition of “cage” is.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Thank god it's Kamala! I was worried Biden was going to pick someone else who would have made me absolutely still vote for him no matter what.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

For those who insist Trump is a religious man, I'll grant you he pays taxes like a church.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Trump says he might not accept the 2020 election results. If he needs a recommendation, I have a great therapist who helped me accept the results of the 2016 election.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

No garbage collection today—because it’s MLK Day and because, this week, America’s taking out the trash on Wednesday.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

It’ll be a shame if history allows one horrific event on this president’s watch to overshadow all the other horrific events on this president’s watch.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

After these FBI arrests, just think of all the basements that moms will be able to redecorate.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Just tried on an old pair of pants, and I refuse to accept the results. Widespread fraud.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

There's so much I admire about the French: their sophistication, their cinema, their willingness to prosecute former presidents.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Welcome home, @RealDonaldTrump ! While you were gone we started actually punishing people for sexual harassment so, you know, heads up.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

The president wants a big military send-off tomorrow. Unfortunately, the military is busy defending the Capitol from his supporters.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Let's take a moment to appreciate that we're waiting to find out if the winner of the election is going to win the election.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

I’m surprised the NRA was affiliated with car rental companies at all, considering Hertz and Avis enforce tyrannical rules like "age restrictions" and "having a license."

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Telling your kids that Rudy Giuliani was once respected is like explaining that O.J. Simpson was once a football player.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

To be fair, very few words are.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Non-hypothetical question: are you insane?

Donald Trump Jr.

@DonaldJTrumpJr

12 years

Hypothetical question? Can my 2 year old get in trouble 4 sexual harassment for asking his teacher to come to his place naked after school?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Hedge funds are complaining about losing billions on GameStop, which means it’s a good time to invest in whatever company makes the world’s tiniest violins.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

The president got permanently suspended from Twitter! Your move, Grubhub.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

It feels like I just took my decorations down from last impeachment!

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Please @JimmyKimmel - stay out of politics. Leave the important stuff to reality TV stars with a knack for bankrupting casinos.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

South Korean official response: “We are attempting to make sense of what, precisely, President Trump means.” Welcome to the fucking club.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

Starting a twitter feud with @chrissyteigen is like trying to fight a hurricane with a sharpie.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Fixed it for you, @realDonaldTrump .

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

RIP Republican Health Care Bill. In lieu of flowers, please send new representatives to Congress in 2018.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

One of the most surprising parts of "Fire and Fury" is how Donald Trump accidentally started a national book club.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

As someone who’s been performing without an audience for the last 3 months, Mr. President, you get used to it.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Well, this seems pretty clear.

Scott Dworkin

@funder

4 years

Jaime Harrison just won his debate with Lindsey Graham by a landslide.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Let he who is without a fetish for being spanked by a porn star with a magazine featuring you on the cover & then ask a lawyer set up a shell corp in Delaware to secretly pay hush money to hide your infidelity & the news leaks as you speak at a Pro-Life march cast the first stone

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

Fighting Tucker Carlson’s ideas is an American right. Targeting his home and terrorizing his family is an act of monstrous cowardice. Obviously don’t do this, but also, take no pleasure in it happening. Feeding monsters just makes more monsters.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

The president’s right that people shouldn’t compare him to Nixon. Nixon got re-elected.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Tucker Carlson said Joe and Jill Biden's marriage is "as real as climate change." Because it's been around since the Carter administration, and it's only getting hotter?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

What I wouldn't give for a dull moment.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

And in one stroke, Twitter doubles the complexity of our nation's foreign policy.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is leaving, or as Sarah Huckabee Sanders would say, "Sarah Huckabee Sanders is not leaving."

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

Chris Farley and I started at Second City on the same day. You knew the minute you saw him on stage he was great. He was sweet and smart and funny. When I heard he had died, 21 years ago today, I fell to the ground. Rest In Peace.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Hi Folks. We have a new show tonight w no audience, but we cancelled next week’s shows before our scheduled break. I wish I could stay on stage to share this uncertain moment w you, but I don’t do this show alone, and I have to do what’s best for my staff. Hope to be back soon.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

CNN: Roy Moore lost. MSNBC: Doug Jones will be the next senator from Alabama. FOX: IS MUELLER SECRETLY HILLARY IN A LATEX MASK? WE’LL ASK TED NUGENT.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Don't worry about those Confederate statues being torn down. They're getting what they always wanted: out of America.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Stephen King has been blocked by Trump on Twitter. I guess his book about a scary clown hit too close to home.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

I wonder how much money Bloomberg carries around with him. If only there were some way we could stop him on the street for no reason to search through his pockets.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Trump's going on vacation for 17 days, or 1.7 Scaramuccis.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

That Starbucks cup in Game of Thrones really broke the reality of a dragon-riding lady in love with a guy who came back from the dead.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Do we need a Super Secret Service to protect the Secret Service from the President?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

“That interview was disturbing." - every Person, Woman, Man, Camera, and TV

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

Let today be a lesson, kids: Crime doesn't pay after the first two and a half years of doing nonstop crime.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Of course Obama gave a great speech. He’s married to Melania’s speechwriter.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Fine! We’ll turn up the heat in the studio!

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Trump's going back on the campaign trail and the enthusiasm is contagious! Oh, wait that's not enthusiasm...

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Last night, it was so refreshing to see an actual debate. Next year, it would be so refreshing to see an actual president.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Wow, if I had invested $1,000 in Bitcoin last week, today I would have... still no idea how Bitcoin works.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

The virus still has 3 hours left to miraculously go away in April!

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Remember: the president can pardon turkeys for federal crimes only. Corn and Cob can still be indicted by the Manhattan DA.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

9/11 First Responders Bill passes the senate 97-2! A long overdue honoring of our debt to them. Here’s a nice photo of McConnell walking in to vote, taken by the great Bill Clark:

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

Why is anyone surprised that Trump's willing to shut down our government when it's clearly not the one he works for?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

“And all the host laughed and wept...and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.”

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Quarantine has finally given me the time to clean out my attic. I haven't done it, but the time is there.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Anybody know what to do when your Democracy does this?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

“I pledge allegiance to the flag…unless times get tough, then I’m off to Cancun!”

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Easily the most stressful National Sandwich Day in my lifetime.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates' performance in front of the Senate.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Sessions is "amazed" an "island in the Pacific" judge can block the travel ban. Just like how I'm "bewildered" a "racist elf" can be AG.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Goodbye, John Lewis. Thank you for the #goodtrouble

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Ratings for Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech were down 21% from last year. Maybe it’s time to re-cast the lead?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

SEE YOU IN COURT WHERE WE ALREADY ARE BUT A DIFFERENT COURT SHUT UP NO YOU'RE STUPID!

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

"I ask that she bring those filings forward so that we can learn date, time, and place!" ...tweets the man too scared to release his tax returns.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

8 years

Emma Watson wrote a note urging Americans to vote. She didn't spend her childhood fighting a dark lord so we could elect one.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

Has somebody tried turning Iowa off and turning it back on again?

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

I am starting a petition for the Democrats to let @iamcardib give the rebuttal to the SOTU. Sign it by retweeting this!

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

TRUMP: Putin says he didn’t do it. So I believe the guy. ALSO TRUMP: We can’t be sure this 8-month-old isn’t a sleeper agent for MS-13. Better make him appear in court alone.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Please please please represent yourself in front of the Supreme Court. I'll never ask for anything else ever again.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

7 years

SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Georgia is recounting all presidential ballots by hand. We're 72 hours from the GOP demanding a recount by foot.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

2 years

Okay, GOP, you win: we should arrest whoever appointed FBI Director Christopher Wray.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Scaramucci, we barely knewcci.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Mar-a-Lago members are quitting in droves. Turns out, it’s just not the same if you can't hear the launch codes being shouted over the shrimp buffet.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

I might need a haircut #HeatMiser

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

2 years

Before you decide if the former president is responsible for the Capitol riots, remember that in America you’re innocent until proven guilty, then proven guilty again, then proven guilty again and they hold a hearing in primetime to show everyone how you’re really, really guilty.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Funny how when James @Comey writes a book about the 2016 election and how he lost his dream job and drank wine nobody tells him to go walk in the woods and keep quiet.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

College seniors, take it from me: you don't need a commencement ceremony to sit outside in the blazing heat, pretending you're not hungover.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

7 years

Elementary math under Betsy Devos Q: Ned and Sheryl each have 4 apples. Who has more apples? A: Whomever Mike Pence decides has more apples.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

After 175 years of staying neutral in elections, Scientific American has endorsed Joe Biden. Good thing Trump has practice getting spanked by a magazine.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

4 years

I still haven’t decided where to go for my week off, but I’ve got it narrowed down to the kitchen or the den.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Alex Trebek was a gentleman, and it was a privilege to share the stage, even briefly, with such a kind, thoughtful guy. Rest in Peace.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

Matt Gaetz never took COVID-19 seriously because she was a little too old for him.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

5 years

My network will be carrying Trump’s Wall speech live. So at 9pm Tuesday, tune into CBS to See B.S.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

3 years

I'm interviewing Barack Obama on Monday, which gives me great pause. Not because I'm worried—he just has incredible pauses.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

Jeff Flake says politics have become too partisan. I agree — time to reach across the aisle and have tough conversations like: “Kids in cages: good or bad?”

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome

6 years

The White House is saying Trump's slurred speech last week was due to dry throat. It's a common side effect to lying mouth.

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Stephen Colbert

@StephenAtHome