paperwash© @PaperWash Twitter profile | Pikagi

Pikagi

paperwash©

@PaperWash

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Joined August 2011

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@PaperWash

paperwash©

10 months

co-authored my first novella with my good friend Jerry; Rose's Addiction my niece Annabell did the art work, THANK YOU ANNABELL! paperback should be available later today or tomorrow

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Rose's Addiction

A dark journey through pain and addiction. A man searching for hope and purpose, but unable to determine if what he finds is the greatest thing he could ever want, or the worst thing he could ever...

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@PaperWash

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7 years

18: can I buy a bottle of wine? USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible 18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education? USA: we encourage it

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7 years

Pauly D died in 2010 and was replaced by Michael Cera: a conspiracy thread

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7 years

Biden: how did we lose the election Obama: Joe I told you we didn't run Biden: haha oh yeah [later] Biden: wait they're kicking us out?

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8 years

YOU ARE LITERALLY THE REASON PEOPLE HAVE THIS FEAR

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Stephen King

8 years

Hey, guys, time to cool the clown hysteria--most of em are good, cheer up the kiddies, make people laugh.

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9 years

Porn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

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8 years

1300s: I'm dying from the Black Plague 1800s: I'm 9 and work in a factory 1900s: I'm off to fight in a war 2000s: IM OFFENDED

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7 years

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are- Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!

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9 years

Dentist: ok open up "Well I guess it all started when my dad left..." Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish

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2 years

lowering gas prices would be an insult to all of us who've paid for high gas prices

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9 years

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school

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8 years

when the Subway sandwich artist is putting too much lettuce on your sub

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10 years

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it

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7 years

[Baby it's Cold Outside 2016] her: I really can't stay him: I'll walk you to your car her: thank you

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6 months

daylight savings is weird, it's 7:40 but it feels like I'm going to die alone

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7 years

The Lion King (1994)

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8 years

God: kill your son Abraham: uh...ok God: holy shit I'm jk Abraham: umm... God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol Abraham: wtf?

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8 years

OMG PLEASE RETWEET I NEED THIS

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10 years

Why use 2 A's in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What's stopping us?

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9 years

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes] "im not looking for any trouble" all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

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8 years

computer: please enter a password mymotherraised3kidsonherown computer: *sheds a tear* strong enough for me

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9 years

McConaughey: I'll have a venti with cream please Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name? McConaughey: I don't know

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10 years

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

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8 years

me: you wanna hot line bling? date: what? me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill? date: excuse me me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

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10 years

Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day

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8 years

[campfire] and before cell phones we had to call our friends house's *kids gasp* sometimes their parents answered *one kid throws up*

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8 years

angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

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11 years

Call me old fashioned, but I think leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3am is romantic

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8 years

[first date] her: what are you getting? me: [holding menu close to my chest] none of your fucking business

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5 years

my brother has 20 followers but he needs u to see his spaghetti

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11 years

A tweet so confusing you turn your radio down to read it

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7 years

[1st date] her: this was a lot of fun me: [trying to play it cool] not really

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10 years

Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

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7 years

[ISIS destroying America] USA: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ISIS: because of the "cash me outside" girl USA: ok yeah that actually makes sense

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9 years

. @AmericanAir BOFA DEEZ NUTS, BITCH! http://t.co/8xKViFp2Ku

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8 years

for someone who didn't start a fire, Billy Joel sure is defensive about it

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11 years

Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts

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10 years

[Ouijja Board] What is the meaning of life? S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E *Squints at board* What the heck? A Bee Gee board?

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7 years

Bee movie but every time they say bee you can hear the sound of my girlfriend telling me she doesn't love me anymore

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10 years

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won't seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

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9 years

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy Judge: what's upsexy? [lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

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7 years

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

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8 years

Here is what the electoral map would look like if only millennials voted in the election

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10 years

[bank robbery] OK EVERYONE BE COOL! [everyone starts smoking cigarettes] [dave starts coughing] Damn it Dave you're gunna get us killed!

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9 years

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

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7 years

Neil it's the super bowl just have a beer

@neiltyson

Neil deGrasse Tyson

7 years

Just an FYI: A 250 lb football player, running 15 mph, has more kinetic energy than a bullet fired from an AK-47 rifle.

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8 years

[dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case

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7 years

This is the most disgusting candy bar I've ever had

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7 years

[arguing that universal healthcare is bad] why should I have to pay for elementary schools I don't even go to elementary school

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7 years

therapist: how have you been me: depressed therapist: omg still? lol

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9 years

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad? EXCUSE ME?! *sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad *snaps newspaper* that's better

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8 years

cashier: did you find everything you need? me: everything except happiness cashier LOL me: LOL cashier: your credit card declined

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8 years

me: will you teach me a magic trick? magician: will you teach me to love? me: [caressing his face] but that too is an illusion

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9 years

[in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"

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10 years

Daddy can we go to the park?! *looks at 12% battery* "No"

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9 years

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

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9 years

"Hey man, you got any drugs?" are you a cop? "yes...I mean no...damn it...ask me again lol" are you a cop? Yes [long silence] I mean no

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9 years

Dad, I'm starving "Hi starving, I'm drunk lol" Dad please stop drinking and buy us some groceries

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11 years

"You're gunna love the way you look, I guarantee it" -Alcohol, telling me to dance

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8 years

this election is like if we wanted to make a chocolate cake and all we had for ingredients were tuna and mustard and everyones like fuck it

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7 years

how boys text vs how men text

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6 years

we’re all living in 2018 meanwhile bill o’reilly is living in 1954

@BillOReilly

Bill O'Reilly

6 years

Here’s the Tip of the Day: put a big jar in your kitchen and toss all your coins in it every day. At the end of the month you’ll have enough money to pay that unexpected annoying expense that always rolls in.

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8 years

I call my girlfriend "boo" because she scares the life out of me, please do not show her this tweet

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9 years

[1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

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6 years

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed GF: it’s ok lol [middle of the night] me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

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9 years

actually guns do kill people, that's literally why they were invented, to kill people

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9 years

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

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9 years

Bae: come over Me: I can't I'm in Buffalo NY Bae: my parents aren't home Me: http://t.co/8oAosY9aA9

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9 years

Washington is on the $1 bill because he was the 1st president. Ben Franklin is on the $100 because he was a baller that went to sex parties

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10 years

[in class next to a hot girl] Stay cool, don't let her know you're a cat [teacher uses laser pointer on board] Oh you gotta be kidding me

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9 years

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don't pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

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7 years

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10 years

I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.

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9 years

and how would you like your burger cooked? by your chef no, well done or- poorly done please, my standards are very low [winks at date]

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8 years

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

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10 years

It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

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9 years

"young man where are your manners?!" sorry dad... [instagrams his dinner before eating] [mouth full of salad] "Make sure you tag me"

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6 years

[god creating seahorses] angel: any more ideas for animals? god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

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10 years

Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife

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10 years

My biggest fear is being bit by a radioactive spider and suddenly having an enormous amount of responsibility.

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9 years

excuse me which computer can I watch porn from "sir this is an English class" oh sorry, from which computer may I watch porn

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8 years

[stranded on Mars] me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

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8 years

stranger: you're gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you're 80 me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they're 80

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9 years

Reporter: what do you think of Hilary running? Biden: well rn we think it's Obama: joe no- Biden: an OBAMANATION! [spikes the microphone]

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9 years

Aliens: we've returned, show us what you built with our technology Humans: behold... http://t.co/yrtvcs7mWm

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9 years

There's not enough rap songs about staying home on Friday night and saving your money

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7 years

me: ok it's time for bed me to me: look at your phone again

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11 years

Starting an all grandpa band called One Dementia

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8 years

get you a man who can do both

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10 years

[Ouija board] How many times has my girlfriend cheated on me? A-M-I-L-L-I-A-M-I-L-L-I-A-M-I What the heck? *squints at board* A Weezy board?

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6 years

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

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9 years

a group of kittens is called a litter because kittens are garbage

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10 years

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

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9 years

[fixing your car stereo] Ah here's the problem [ejects Pitbull CD]

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9 years

My nephew is having a birthday party "should I bring weed or will one of his friends have some?" HE'S 9! [long pause] "so bring my own?"

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7 years

GF: I'm pregnant me: FAKE NEWS GF: I have the sonogram me: DISHONEST MEDIA GF: it might not be yours me: [sheds a tear] alternative facts

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9 years

[spelling bee] Your word is "abrasive" "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course you can you fuckin idiot

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8 years

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year

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7 years

guess what guys? 2017 is going to be even worse than 2016. You're going to be older & slower which means more susceptible to bear attacks

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10 years

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can't use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

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6 years

Vodka is just extreme mashed potatoes

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