FormerGregSamsa @MJaMitchell Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@h_two2

@pineapplesFF14

FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 months

Miriam Margoles demanding a huge salary not because of the caliber of work but because she'd have to live in Georgia for 4 months is relatable.

The DisInsider

@TheDisInsider

3 months

Miriam Margoles was offered the role of a witch in Marvel’s ‘Agatha’ and declined after being offered half of what she asked for. ‘They said, “we’re filming in Atlanta, Georgia in America.” And that of course was a bit disappointing because I don’t like America . . . So I just

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

@CBS12 People who don't wear masks are not dogs--dogs understand social interaction and the importance of caring for others.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

It seems Ron Howard said some things against Our Dear Leader, and now Opie is trending because people who support Our Dear Leader think people in entertainment should shut the fuck up--even though Our Dear Leader had a show on network television. #GoOpie

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@MJaMitchell

3 years

@Drustan27 @TheDillonOne Well, resigned is glossing over a lot of story there.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@PageSix Cindy Adams was recently in the Roy Cohn documentary remembering--fondly--her times with Roy fucking Cohn. She can step off.

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

@Breznican @VanityFair Not surprised. His mask covers literally every part of his face except the parts that count.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@Just_Jabe @ItsRykard @badjujubes @realDonaldTrump And they oppose multinationalism.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@carlysintothat And by 'open my heart and home up' I do not mean I have a lot of human hearts in my home, and certainly not dog hearts.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@KaraBTweets Really think Chet was conceived while Tom and Rita had sex on a microwave.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@BrosAroundGlobe @TheFrankWhaley That's how Kramer caught racist.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 years

@hotoynoodle Made with self-rising flour.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@unusual_whales Jesus. He’s a week away from doing a GoFundMe.

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

@cheerful_ExGF @GayestHaunter Are we sure his wife is actually real, and not just a collection of sister panties stitched into a rag doll?

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

Whatever this woman catches by swimming in the Hudson will cause a second pandemic by September. My god, who DOES that?

sofi

@shecanhaveuuu

4 years

Bro

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@MJaMitchell

3 years

@delia_cai @Yeoldedogg He named his dog 'Snowflake'? Isn't that a derogatory term, according to Ted? That's like me naming my dog Ted Cruz.

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@MJaMitchell

5 years

@zakiscorner But it's literal: the Skywalker rose a bit.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@CDCgov Until 2020, I’d have been stunned it would be necessary to tell people this. After 2020, I think the CDC should be required to issue life coaches to everyone.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@jessehawken @jacobtwop One has to assume Musk did that suspension himself, since he fired everyone else.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@ddale8 "People will hear about this." Good god. I hope they do.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@RMeierkort @RexChapman Wanted to make sure they could identify him by his kneecaps.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

Sarah Palin was a toxic, ill-informed, willfully hateful person. Her gender was not a factor--she was given every chance to prove herself, and all she managed to prove was her inability to care about anything beyond her nose.

The Daily Beast

@thedailybeast

4 years

Dems are ready to fight sexist attacks against Biden's VP pick. But @mattklewis says that's hypocritical. "Their sexist attacks helped batter a young female rising star deemed as an existential threat." "Where does Sarah Palin go to recover her career?"

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

10 months

@sellamaleslie @Greef_Karrga You could give him the bottle, make a bet he'll lose it, and if he does lose it he has to take you for coffee. If he's not interested, he will never again lose that bottle. If he is interested he'll lose it before he leaves the gym.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@KatyTurNBC Rather than ask the people in the emergency exit row if they're good with helping out in the event of an emergency, everyone on the plane should be asked if they're good surrounding RBG if something goes wrong, to cushion her fall.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

1 year

@WABetaInfo @TwitterDev @elonmusk Or, perhaps, consider stepping away from Twitter and allowing someone who knows what they're doing to do it. Like he said he'd do when he did that silly vote.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

AL governor Kay Ivey is apparently letting the COVID restrictions expire at the end of the month. Looking so very forward to the next few months of yelling at my parents down there to ignore that shit and stay the fuck home.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

1 year

@AnnaGHughes @jinxeptor A month in to the lockdown, I started staging unsuccessful puppet shows with my dog.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

8 months

@MarkAschParody "Well. Piper. I spent 40 minutes down there. I paid 23 cents for this condom. I cooked you a hamburger. If that doesn't get you multiple orgasms. Well. I don't know."

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@FridaGhitis The great and powerful negotiator isn't very good at things.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

25 days

@lilgrapefruits I regret to say it was likely Elaine, who was in the middle of confessing her love in the last ep as the plane was going down--but when the plane leveled off she shut up.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@clapifyoulikeme Men can't hear women make puns. It's a biological fact--something to do with the way we process sound even when we're reading words.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@kenklippenstein @MollyJongFast "We hear you" is just 2021-speak for "We don't care what you say."

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

10 days

As an American, I am of course in no position of knowledge to wonder why Irish Guards are thanking a Princess of Wales for sending a letter signed Colonel Catherine, who is missing. This is just usual British Isles bullshit, right?

Irish Guards

@irish_guards

11 days

The Irish Guards were deeply touched to receive a letter from our Colonel, Her Royal Highness, The Princess of Wales this morning. We continue to wish Her Royal Highness well in her recovery and send Her our very best wishes. Quis Separabit @KensingtonRoyal @ArmyInLondon

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@MJaMitchell

5 years

@atrupar This is incredible. Reporters should make up questions for fake policies now and see if Trump just starts affirming them all.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 years

@Alex19673 @KurtSchlichter It's quite common with victims of sexual assault to adopt a high, almost childlike vocal quality when speaking.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@dew_doer @Chellie2shoes Some years back, he did a 10th Anniversary book called 'Prehistory of the Far Side,' where, among other things, he recounts the reactions to some of his cartoons. 'Cow Tools' got 3 full pages and includes the line, 'The first mistake I made was thinking it was funny.' But it is!

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@ChrisStH @stephengandel Months no longer have names.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 months

Patti LuPone's unending, seething hatred of Andrew Lloyd Webber is one of the great consistencies of the universe.

Carl Woodward

@mrcarl_woodward

3 months

👀

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@ra6bit @BoatScarecrow @chaeronaea @KrangTNelson I did not realize these kits were tiny Tennessee Williams play-bombs.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@goodmanw @eboldy Neither could I. I assumed the dog would get more screen time.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@rewegreatyet @atrupar Also, that’d make him in possession of child porn, and just as guilty.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@KHOU Why is there an event allowing 50,000 people right now?

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@pavlson I hope we can all agree that a rug in the kitching hints perhaps that either she replaces the rug each week, or never actually uses the kitchen.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

7 months

@RossWBermanIV I love those shorts. They're how I learned about old movies and stars, and got a sense of what the public perception of the acts was supposed to be. It helped with cultural literacy, weirdly enough.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

7 years

@Deno_Tron I fail to see why this is a roomie prank. I married my husb because he had Princess D shrine...

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@ZaraRahim @yashar I don't care who hates 'All I Want,' they're bloody wrong for thinking it's the most annoying when Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas Time is just... roaming the airwaves ready to strike at any moment.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

Jon Stewart gave a medal to a Nazi at Disney World (or Disneyland--gripes vary) but here's the former First Lady giving an award to an obvious Nazi at the Capitol.

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@MJaMitchell

2 years

Keith Richards might be the only celebrity on Twitter who starts trending and I don't immediately think, 'Did he die?'

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

@CollinMurr @myownstunts404 Peggy Sue Got Married. Moonstruck. C'mon, he's done a few good ones.

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@MJaMitchell

5 years

@kumailn Ann Coulter, I think.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 years

I get tired of RTing this. AIDS isn't some abstraction--it took an entire generation of humanity, just like a world war. Your life is less enriched because people refused to acknowledge gay men.

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@MJaMitchell

5 months

@jiff__ Also every performance is spectacular. Phyllis from The Office--who knew she had that level of intensity in her?

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

1 year

@paleofuture @yogaACAB So he paid 44 billion dollars for a company he knows nothing about and thinks is terrible for communication, and is trying to blame other people for saying it, and is claiming that Halli may be sticking with the company after all (because Elon owes him $100 million)?

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@MJaMitchell

2 years

@notreallyjcm @MarisaKabas THAT was a ride. I miss the hope.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 months

@kylegriffin1 I guess it's pointless to say that George Washington absolutely did not take papers from the White House.

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@MJaMitchell

2 years

@hannahposts @clapifyoulikeme And they’re all arrested in their own personal development. Jesus. What a multi-layered title.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@Italiano_Laura Saying The Post is the 'liveliest, wittiest tabloid...filled with reporters/editors I admire' after quitting bc you were forced to write a story YOU KNEW WAS FALSE is like saying, 'the Corleones were the warmest family I've ever been a part of, but that last murder was too much.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

8 months

I see the 'George Floyd died of fentanyl' people are back in their attempts to defend Chauvin. But from what I've learned over the past few years, if Floyd had fentanyl on him, Chauvin would've died the instant he came into contact with the victim.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

7 years

Oddly, my favorite part of all this is the giant head of Brad Pitt looking on like Big Brother.

CNN Politics

@CNNPolitics

7 years

BREAKING: Exclusive video shows Donald Trump with associates tied to email controversy

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

@PaulaReidCBS @CBSNews 20 bucks says they're just giving him sugar pills.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 months

@applekaurr They should make you clean the tub as punishment

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

1 year

@ericbrownzzz Our dachshund is 15 years old, blind, and still does this with any high-grade treat. Wanders the apartment muttering to himself, stick in mouth knocking against walls, and we have to pretend not to notice the special bury place is usually the middle of the living room floor.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

This movie would be banned in states forbidding CRT now.

Rex Chapman🏇🏼

@RexChapman

2 years

30-years ago today “White Men Can't Jump” premiered in theaters (1992) …

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@MJaMitchell

2 years

@RexChapman Also, just as Garland's statement was set to be made, Biden tweeted this out. Probably unintentional, but I love the idea that Biden, knowing windmills are Trump's greatest adversary, decided to push the windmills.

President Biden

@POTUS

2 years

A field of wind turbines doesn't just represent affordable, clean energy for American households. It represents the good-paying, union construction jobs that it took to build them.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

9 months

@Blackkout__ Yes. 9/11 ruined a lot of romcoms because there used to be a dash to the gate to stop the object of the romance from getting on the plane. It was much more dramatic than tracking them down in the TSA line before they went through the Xray thingy.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@hellomag I certainly wish him a speedy something.

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@MJaMitchell

6 years

@AsteadWesley @daveweigel Jesus, this is ACTUAL voter fraud. At least call it what it is, for once.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@ChaseMit It would've been better if they'd put the Queen songs in The Favourite. THAT would be great sound editing.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@photos_peter @SAMGREIS They're all good. Also give Pirates of Penzance a go--she was great in that as well.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@DanielleNicki Breaking Bad, and the subject is how Skyler is more capable and competent than Walt in every way, including morally. Walt claims til the last ep he was doing it for the family, but every move Sky made was to protect herself and her children.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@gary_kline @Roshan_Rinaldi @anne_methy Now he needs to swallow a spider. Then a bird. Then a cat.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@laurenegambino We were denied a wonderful moment.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@washingtonpost The solution to this is, of course, to make him not be president any longer.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@Eugene_Scott This is gonna end with white people in blackface getting reparations, isn't it.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@AryehCW @NotSPMulvihill @willmenaker Too bad the biggest lesson wasn't 'don't make this movie'.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 years

@sgtjanedoe @ActuallyNPH @Racheldoesstuff @TheTonyAwards I assume this exchange will be adapted into a Tony-winning musical. Hedwig and the Angry Ex-Girlfriend.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@RonaldPBarba Good thing you were there to take in all the social distancing up close.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@ManuclearBomb For me, it’s a run of jokes, perhaps the best combo on the series: Marge starts it off by saying it was the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month and they were there to talk about the misprinted calendars, which leads to Homer complaining about lousy Smarch weather and then:

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

9 months

This is a remarkable statement. We did not become more kind or more helpful. We became tribal, suspicious of others, and prone to grandiose paranoia. People in small towns were convinced they were about to get bombed by terrorists. We still have to take our shoes off at airports.

Sophia A. Nelson

@IAmSophiaNelson

9 months

Watching this and remembering who Americans became after 9-11. It was beautiful. We were kinder. Helpful. More loving. More compassionate. No political rancor. No division. No attacking the President of the other party. I’d give anything for America to be that way again! #911Day

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@MJaMitchell

5 years

@CNNPolitics Possibly because most of your questions involved socialism. I don't think you can try to frame a debate you actually moderated.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

1 year

@GeeScottSr @Phil_Lewis_ Then reflect on all the things you've witnessed in your life up until this point.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@PupperMumAgain @HowardMortman Sometimes I forget. Then a random clip comes up, and I see just what was tolerated from us by a president, and how he may pull a Grover Cleveland--the fact that we're even saying Trump could get another term is baffling after we barely survived his first one.

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@MJaMitchell

4 years

Just turned on the Trump presser and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY ISN'T THERE A DEMAND TO SIDELINE THIS IDIOT? He's literally planning blue-state genocide.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

9 months

@ellorysmith Aw. She's got her father's vice.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 months

@count_ecstasy He also started dating Melanie Griffith when she was like 14.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 years

@HannaPapillon @midwest55912 He speaks in clauses that are really compartments, having very little relation to one another but nonetheless forced together by commas.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@ShelleyElwood @robbysoave "It's okay! I'm a libertarian!"

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 years

@chuckwoolery One does not vote to protect a president. It is not the job of a voter to protect presidents--it is the job of the president to protect the people. If he needs 'protection' at the ballot box, chances are he should be fired.

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@MJaMitchell

3 years

@ErickFernandez OMG, he even worked in a Kurt Vonnegut quote.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 months

This was fucking hard. I keep thinking 'At least Waf died doing what he loved: going to sleep' and then flashing on how the light went out of his blind eyes at the final second. I had to close his eyelids.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@BrandyLJensen @icecoldnikita If memory serves, he was in the documentary 'Meet the Hitlers,' and didn't seem too awful. But then, Hitlers always are made to look good in documentaries.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

6 months

@dramadork884 I did not know it was possible to dislike Devil in the White City.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

@boysloveboystoo @_peches_ Pink and white.

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@MJaMitchell

13 days

@RohitaKadambi "We'll shoot 12 of 22 episodes, charge advertisers for 24 of them, air 8 of them, and convince the family it ran for three seasons."

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

3 years

@FBI How bad does one's career have to be that not even the FBI can find you?

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

4 months

As always when Geraldo is trending, here's your reminder that he married one of Kurt Vonnegut's daughters, cheated on her and divorced her, and Vonnegut talked shit about that asshole until the day he died.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

2 years

Jesus, just bring Kathy Griffin back.

Ashley Spencer

@AshleySpencer

2 years

Switched to CNN and what is happening

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

5 years

@PhilipRucker @PeteJamison What better way for Trump to celebrate himself than by bankrupting something?

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@MJaMitchell

7 years

@Bearbelina @JAYMASHUPV2 @auntbeckyrose If a kiss on the forehead is her idea of sex, it's safe to say she at least hasn't procreated.

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FormerGregSamsa

@MJaMitchell

1 year

@loose_fur @wyntermitchell @bader_diedrich The other woman should’ve kept her damn hands off Shakira’s jam. A husband is one thing but don’t touch another person’s food.

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