Isaac Fitzgerald @IsaacFitzgerald Twitter profile

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Isaac Fitzgerald

1 year

Deeply honored and tremendously grateful to be working with @freemanreads and the formidable team at @knopf on my next book, American Dionysus. 🍎

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Last Seen Profiles

@ababadesyu

@maxedoutsolar

@TukiYosei_IRIAM

@dickmonster1432

@vmsalama

@bachnation

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@Ash_ley769

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@Kx0pNjIsGy20221

@UXLfoundation

@hatetout

@at_at_Username

@welacitewe

@nameles92205184

@UTDrain19

@Peace3782320677

Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Walked into the bodega and asked if they sold butter. “Sorry, no,” but then a pause, “How much do you need? Just cooking dinner?” Love you, New York City.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

$1,200. That’s all folks were given. This whole, catastrophic year.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Are boats... unionizing?

Orlando Sentinel

@orlandosentinel

3 years

Boat falls onto highway in Florida, blocks traffic

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

I can’t explain it but the energy lately is “everyone is losing it” in a way we haven’t seen since 2020.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Mentally, I'm here.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

A woman on the street just yelled “SHIT!!!” then looked up from her phone and said “that wasn’t directed at you. It’s just, the Supreme Court..." and a woman standing next to her simply nodded.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

10 months

At @barbiethemovie I saw a group of teens clowning on their friend who arrived late because he was dressed in an all-gray sweatsuit and they were all wearing pink but then the delayed pal lifted up his sweatshirt to reveal a pink t-shirt underneath and the whole crew went WILD.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Last night I overheard two twenty-somethings having a very deep, very earnest conversation. At a certain point the young woman turned to the young man and asked, “So, do you go to therapy?” The young man pointed at his skateboard and said, “That’s my therapy.” My guy. So close.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Cops, which has been on television for 33 seasons since 1989, has been cancelled.

‘Cops’ Canceled at Paramount Network

Paramount Network has pulled the plug on 'Cops' for good.

www.hollywoodreporter.com

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

"Alexa, show me the best way to die." Alexa:

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Start writing a book.

Alexis Benveniste

@apbenven

5 years

Okay who has tips for motivating yourself to clean your apartment

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

Usually I record scenes I witness on here, but the other day I *was* the scene. My dog slipped her collar in Prospect Park. She didn’t run away—but she didn’t come back, either. We played ten-foot keep away for half an hour, or so. That’s when a man named Chris meandered over…

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

Just watched a man at a bar in Penn Station order two martinis, pay for them, promptly pour them into an empty Evian bottle, and then walk out all while Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” played on the jukebox. Happy holidays!

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

Epilogue:

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Last night sitting outside of a bar a man yelled “Josh!” as another man rode by on a bike. The man presumably named Josh slammed on his brakes as the other man leapt up from his chair and embraced him. They held each other for a *VERY* long time, laughing at first, then silence..

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Guessed a kid’s “Hot Cheeto” costume and I can still hear him shouting “I told you somebody would get it!” at his older siblings as they walk down the block.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

I re-leashed my dog and hugged her close. When I looked up, Chris was already sauntering away. “Thank you!” I yelled. Chris raised his hand without looking back. “All good,” he responded. “Takes a village, etc. Besides, I shouldn’t be eating this whole sandwich anyway.” Hero.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Eventually Josh rode off. A few people clapped. As the man returned to his chair I inquired. “Josh is a friend, he fixed my bike at the beginning of” he waves his hand in the air. “We promised when we saw each other again we would hug each other very, very hard. And now we have.”

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Riding the NYC subway before 6am is wild because you will witness numerous people come out of a dead sleep at their *exact* stop and smooth walk off the train as if they didn’t just execute an amazing early morning magic trick.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Me when I boil water and cook pasta instead of ordering delivery.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Counterpoint: a poorly paid graphic designer very much did.

ian bremmer

@ianbremmer

5 years

Someone did not think this through.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Sorry it took me two weeks to respond to your email. Supply chain issues.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

7 years

I too failed to pass my skinny plan this summer.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Dear Media: Remember how you did all those "Who Is the Trump Voter" pieces back in 2016? Well, now it's time to do just as many stories about Black voters, Native American voters, immigrant voters, young voters, and first-time voters, ok? Bring that same energy.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

When your friend gets themselves into some nonsense and you'll be damned if you're gonna let 'em go through that nonsense on their own.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Just saw a teen carefully rip a “Wet Paint” sign in the subway station so it read “Pain” and then show it to another teen and then the two teens kissed so I’m excited to know that emo culture will be safely making it into the next decade.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Today's the shortest day of the year, y'all. Everything gets a little bit brighter for a little bit longer on a daily basis starting tomorrow.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

This is my FAVORITE heist. The woman straight up stole a prince. Incredible. ✨

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Totally chill and completely normal stuff over here while watching 👑 @LeVarBurton read How to Be a Pirate. 😭🏴‍☠️🌿💚✨📖🌈

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

Chris ripped out a long strip of grease-glistening bacon and handed it to me. Immediately my pup trotted over, gladly trading (what she thought was) playtime for a snack. In a flash Chris—whose movements up until this moment had been casual—grabbed her and swept her into my arms.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

“Having trouble?” he asked. I looked up—a lil’ panicked plus a bit out of breath—and nodded. “Forgot her treats back at the apartment,” I said. “Well, why don’t you try this,” Chris sorta chuckled while revealing a bacon, egg, and cheese with the slightest hint of a flourish…

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

As a former bouncer I can assure you that all of your fondly remembered bar fights were actually just dumb pains in the ass that ruined other people’s good times.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

I love the Statue of Liberty even more now that I have visited Paris. The French were simply trying to help us class up the joint. “You don’t have nearly enough giant statues that serve zero purpose,” they tsked, smoking a cigarette. “Here. Have one of ours. We have so, so many.”

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

When you piss off your ex and now all your friends and coworkers have to pay for your bullshit.

Vulture

@vulture

6 years

Ariana Grande is reportedly releasing a new song, 30 minutes before #SNL

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

The guy who founded Scrub Daddy sponges has a custom Scrub Daddy sponge necklace made out of gold and I think everyone should know that.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

Just walked past a teen couple sitting outside a bodega. The girl was crying as the boy talked quickly and apologetically. Then the woman walking behind me (w/out breaking stride) yelled "he ain't worth it honey" and good lord the smile that flashed across that young girl's face.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

It ain't "Defund the Police" but I'll take "Cops is cancelled" as an appetizer.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Anyone who is mad at this has never had to worry about paying rent in their entire life.

Josh Wardle

@powerlanguish

2 years

An update on Wordle

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

8 years

Shout-out to the elderly woman on the Q train this morning who was quietly crying while holding her "I Voted" sticker and slowly rubbing it.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

How I look in the mirror vs. how I look in photos.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

You CANNOT convince me that this dude isn't actually the Loch Ness monster in human form, who surfaces every so often to poke around and go "Yup, still no sign of ol' Nessy" before quietly returning to the water and transforming back into his original shape deep beneath the waves

Daniel🎗🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 ॐ

@DannyDutch

5 years

Adrian Shine, the leader of the Loch Ness Project, looks exactly like how I imagined the leader of the Loch Ness Project would look like.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

I wake up mad every morning. The United States is one of the richest countries in the world. This is such a failure of leadership. Such a disgrace.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

"Here for a good time, not for a long time." -Peonies

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Do you think they’re friends?

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Wait, is the energy between Pete and Amy the energy all Midwesterners have? All “friendly” and “nice” but ready at a moment’s notice to drag your enemies to hell, consequences be damned?

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

7 years

When life's problems keep piling up but you're trying to stay positive.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

I know I shouldn't let him in but — and hear me out here — what if I let him in.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Still not over the name of this frame shop.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

At JFK at 8am and a bunch of adults in matching t-shirts are yelling, clapping, and carrying on so my cynical ass begins to roll my eyes when a gaggle of kids walk down this red carpet and I realize it’s a @MakeAWish flight to Disney and now we’re all clapping/yelling/tearing up.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

7 years

"I can't believe you aren't dressing up for Halloween." First of all, Susan, we all wear masks.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Had a friend say they couldn't make a zoom cocktail party because they have another one scheduled for that same time period so yes you can still feel unpopular during the apocalypse.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Ah, yes. We've finally made it. The the end of the year. That special season when I lovingly embrace the delusion that I can fix my entire life in two weeks.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Half of you are talking about musicals and the other half are talking about the Chicago Bulls and to be honest being back in middle school is pretty great.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

An incredibly nice Mercedes with a uniformed driver just cruised by me on the street and the only person in the backseat was a big ol' bulldog sitting on a fancy pillow so don't ever let 'em tell you that the magic is gone from New York City.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

An interesting thing about owning a dog is how the John Wick movies make more sense.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

For no reason whatsoever look at what a goddamn stunner my grandfather was. ✨

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Black Panther is (finally) one year old today.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Good day to remember that Mary Magdalene has the most metal-as-hell resting place of all time.

Mark Rees

@reviewwales

4 years

Today is the feast day of Mary Magdalene. This is said to be her skull, which is kept in a glass dome in a crypt outside Provence: "The skull of Mary Magdalene rests in the crypt of the Basilique Sainte Marie Madeleine, a massive Gothic basilica whose construction began in 1295."

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Half the appeal of this show is shouting “wait, did that really happen?!” And then googling it only to discover that the truth is far, far worse.

UK culture secretary to ask Netflix for 'health warning' that The Crown is fictional

Oliver Dowden says younger viewers might take historical drama’s portrayal as fact

www.theguardian.com

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

When you read your old writing.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

(Later that evening, when I recounted the story to a friend, they implied that I was being visited by the Ghost of Isaacs Past, which… fair.)

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

When I moved to New York I said to a friend who was born here, "Whew, your city is kicking my ass" and they replied, "It's just a city, a place, it really doesn't give a shit about you one way or the other" and I feel like there are a lot of people who should hear that right now.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

Yes.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Wait. Did we all know that young Kamala Harris looked like she was the lead singer in a British new wave band?

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

During the whole pandemic my #1 deli guy was never at the shop, so I was a lil' concerned. But today I walked in and there he was. We all but hugged over the counter. So many fist bumps. "Gonna make you something tasty," now I'm eating the best bacon egg and cheese I've ever had.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 months

We should talk more about what a weird little freak the Ghost of Christmas Past is in The Muppet Christmas Carol.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

My dog woke me up like she does every morning, ready for her morning walk. But after putting on some clothes I found her asleep, taking up my entire side of the bed. So now I’m out here on the couch—awake—staring at the ceiling, grappling with the fact that my dog just played me.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Never forget the extreme horny energy of Herbal Essences commercials in the 1990s.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Ordered my regular sandwich at the local spot but they were out of the ingredients so my dude asked "do you trust me?" and five minutes later handed me a big baby-sized hero all wrapped up to go and said "I made you a banger" and good Lord am I happy to be back in New York City.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Don't use Grubhub. Don't use Seamless. Don't use Yelp. Pick up the phone. Call your favorite restaurant. Support them directly. It's that simple.

Sarah Mimms

@mimms

4 years

Struggling Restaurants Paid Record Fees To Grubhub During The Pandemic via @venessawong

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

7 years

Woman cradles and protects orb. Man carries and protects both. This is how it ought to be, despite what your goblin studies professor says

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Conservatives Name More Than One Character in 1984 Challenge

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Took my niece and nephew all over New York City today. Saw all the sights. Visited museums and ate delicious food. Asked them what their favorite things in the whole city are and they said: 1. Riding the subway. 2. Sitting on a stoop. 3. Peeing behind a bush in Central Park.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

6 years

Now that I've seen Black Panther, I would like a three-film, Lord of the Rings-type complete history of Wakanda please and thank you.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Drinking gin in Stockholm, I watched a young teen on the street who was holding a rose behind his back. As the minutes ticked by, he kept checking his phone, looking more and more concerned.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Wrote for @esquire about my decision to never have children. 🍓

The World Needs Uncles, Too

I'll never be a father. But when my friends and family members had children, I learned a new way of showing up for others.

www.esquire.com

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Mark Rees

@reviewwales

4 years

Today is the feast day of Mary Magdalene. This is said to be her skull, which is kept in a glass dome in a crypt outside Provence: "The skull of Mary Magdalene rests in the crypt of the Basilique Sainte Marie Madeleine, a massive Gothic basilica whose construction began in 1295."

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

No. I'm sorry. I'm going to keep saying it. To equate critique with threat and protests with violence is what's dangerous. This is just the publisher not wanting to deal with fallout and backlash. But don't say that people pushing back against a book is threatening to democracy.

Michael Barbaro

@mikiebarb

4 years

An author in a democracy should not fear for her security.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

1 year

Dude who watches our dog (and many other dogs in the neighborhood) gifted us a Pups ‘23 calendar and it is now my most prized possession. Is there an award for Best Dog Sitter? 🦊🏆

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Threesomes in Brooklyn.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

2 years

Me: Owning a dog won't be that expensive, just gotta stick to the basics. Me, 1 week into owning a dog: Oh hell yes.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

"Big Bird, you have a right to be angry." Why is this show still teaching me things when I'm 36. 😭😭😭

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Suddenly, an old man sitting a few seats down from me began to clap. A table of young people joined him. They had all been watching too. Slowly, we all began to clap until the entire bar was cheering. The two teens looked up and laughed, and then they walked away holding hands.🌹

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Being an adult.

William Wolf

@willium

5 years

What did you glamorize as a kid, but after doing it as an adult realized it wasn’t great at all?

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Last night a bartender asked me what I do for work, and for the first time since I quit my job I mustered all my confidence and said, "I'm a writer" and without skipping a beat she replied, “So you're unemployed," but then gave me a free beer so I'm considering it a win.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

I know we don't have Vine any more but this is a perfect Vine:

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

8 years

Of the 53 people in my FB timeline who have shared this 4 are male. Men: Read this. Share this. Look. Look. Look.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

I was recently using a QR code that was taking a moment to scan so I hit the “take photo” button on my phone because I was nervous and the 17-year-old employee said, “you don’t actually have to take a picture of it” and it was in that moment that I realized time comes for us all.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Standing in Penn Station and just overheard a man say loudly into his phone, “Well, this is all off the record.” Pause. “Off the record!” Pause. “What do you mean? I just said it is!” and this has been your annual reminder that both parties must agree before going off the record.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Next year make the dress bigger so it pushes Offset out of the pictures.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Dude taking his trash out sang “Everybody dance now!” real loud and in perfect pitch so you know I hit him that “Bomp! Bomp-bomp-bomp Bomp!” from across the street and then we both did a lil’ dance move, so yeah I’m feeling pretty good about today.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Motherfucker went viral in 1982 because he made a meme that nobody understood and it literally solidified his career. 👑 K I N G 👑

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Reminder that you don't ever have to apologize for promoting your writing/art/etc. on this damn website. We all give so much on here for free, nothing wrong with self promotion. You worked hard on the thing. Be proud. Be loud. And then be sure to promote someone else's work too.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

New Rule: Twitter is only for talking about Keanu Reeves.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

When someone breaks through to the real me.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

Imagine meeting a dude at 12 years old, becoming best friends, growing up thick as thieves together and staying in touch even when you're on other sides of the world, and then, 25 years later, he sends you a picture of him reading your children's book to his beautiful new baby.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

5 years

Struck by the similarities between this R. Kelly interview and the Kavanaugh hearings. First tears, then intense indignation and displays of anger.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

I just wanna say that I've been texting with multiple independent bookstore workers/owners over the past couple of days and all of y'all's online orders are REALLY helping out these small businesses so please keep 'em coming.

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

3 years

Got on a plane at 6am to have breakfast with a very special person. 🍓

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Isaac Fitzgerald

@IsaacFitzgerald

4 years

So it's agreed, anyone who does April Fools' Day this year will be shot into space.

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