When I became part of
@WidowedAndYoung
after Tim's sudden death, there was a running joke about who had the latest copy of the handbook. And so, three years later, The Widow's Handbook blog was born. Its aim is to help widows and those around them
Struggling a bit at the moment. Winter was never a good time for me and now it's the time between Tim's birthday in December and his death in February. I have a life I love and I know this is a blip, but I could really do with a hug.
As we move closer to New Year's Eve, I'm thinking of all the
#widows
who will move from 'My partner died this year' to 'My partner died last year'. For me that was an unexpected loss. Sending love xxxxx
#widow
#grief
A note for the not-widowed. Don't tell people they should have 'moved on by now'. Equally, don't criticise people for moving on too quickly. Grief has a complicated and squiggling timeline, and no two griefs are the same.
#grief
#widow
Behind every
#memory
lies a life well-lived. We celebrate those we
#grieve
by saying their name because they aren't just someone who died; they are, and forever will be, someone who lived.
📷: girl_meets_grief on IG
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in February 2018, and five years on I'm selling his precious book collection. It's the right thing to do, and I'm keeping a few books, but it has surprised me how much it hurts. Love to all of you clearing stuff out today
Tim would have been 55 today, but only made it to 50. As with all milestones, I find the day itself easier than the runup. Thinking of all of you having a milestone today.
I've moved from the house where Tim had his bookshop & where he died to a house near the sea that I hope will be my forever home. I was worried that I would lose Tim in the move & in some way lose me too. But it is finally starting to feel like home.
I am five and a half years out from Tim's death. I am happy with my new life and I am (finally) excited for the future, but I still miss him, I still grieve, and this is not the life I expected or planned for
#Widow
#Grief
#NewNormal
So much love to my
#widow
and
#grief
tribe. We didn't choose the reason that we know each other, but we care for each other. Here's to a 2024 taken one moment, one breath, one step at a time xxx
This
#InternationalWomensDay
I raise my coffee cup to the women raising each other up, raising the next generation, raising hell to fight for equality. All over the globe, my great, glorious sisters. We are magnificent, we are mighty, we are really tired BUT WE ARE SPECTACULAR ❤️
Funeral plans are well underway but the weight of grief is exhausting. I had no idea it would feel this hard which is naive on my part. It’s about more than losing Mike. It’s also the life we’ll no longer live. The plans that died when he did. Tough. For me and his family. 💔
When Tim died it hurt. And I don't just mean that my heart broke. My stomach hurt. I felt sick. My head ached. I didn't know at the time, but this is a 'normal' part of grief.
Some
#widows
take off their wedding rings on the day of their partner's death. Some wear them forever. Some put them on a chain around their neck or on a different finger. Some give them away or make them into a new ring. None of these is wrong or right.
@_katiearchibald
I am so sorry. My husband died suddenly in bed next to me. I did CPR but he never came back. My heart goes out to you. I have received amazing support from
@WidowedAndYoung
over the past four years
There's so much talk about there about
#cancer
at the moment following the King's diagnosis. A huge hug to all of you in the
#widow
and
#grief
community who are finding this a trigger
Tomorrow may be harder than you expected, or easier. Just remember - it's just one day. And you've got through just one day before. You've got this, and the Widow Warriors have got your back.
Xxx
I might delete this later, but I just dissolved into tears. Mum's in respite so I thought I'd try to join a walk next week with a group in the next village. Their joining process requires the name and number of an emergency contact. I don't have one now...🥹
One of the hard things about
#widowhood
is achieving something, however big or small, and not being able to tell our person about it and celebrate it. Tell us something that you have achieved since being widowed and we will celebrate it with you.
#widowhood
# grief
@RadarLanark
We had that poem at our wedding and then at Tim's funeral nine years later. The
#widow
and
#grief
community is here for you - lean on us xx
It's your birthday today. Five years gone, and I've moved forward into a life where I'm happy again, but I still miss you, my gentle man and gentleman.
#widow
# grief
Love to all the
#widows
. I hope yesterday was beautiful/bearable/uneventful/over for everyone (delete as applicable). Went in the sea this morning and I now feel smug, snug, and full of hot chocolate xxx
I can't promise that it will get better, as
#grief
is different for everyone. I can't tell you how long it will be. All I can tell you is that grief slowly changed for me until it became something I live alongside. It's part of me, but I am now living rather than just surviving.
I ran my 50th
@parkrunUK
on Saturday
Tim died early on a Saturday morning. My Parkrun alarm went off as the paramedics worked on him. Parkrun kept me sane as I grieved. I stopped running after injury but I'm back. Thank you Parkrun, runners & volunteers for being there for me
After Tim died, I became so tired. The kind of tired that squashes you flat. The kind of tired that it felt like even my bones hurt. Feeling this exhausted can be scary. But it is a normal part of
#grief
.
#Widow
Five and a half years ago, Tim died suddenly and unexpectedly and my life fell apart. During lockdown, I started talking to an amazing illustrator called Dee. Three years ago today, we had our first date. Two tears ago I asked her to marry me, and thankfully she said yes. 1/2
The first year of
#grief
is tough, and I drew a sigh of relief when it was over. I found the second year of grief very different. Harder in some ways, easier in others.
#widow
Sorting Tim's stuff after he died was so hard. Some I did after a few weeks, some took me months and years and a few rounds filtering things out. Some I have kept. There is no single right time for doing it. The most valuable things stay. My memories.
Celebrity losses can trigger memories of our personal losses, especially when they are memories of times we shared together. Much love to everyone in the
#grief
community today
The first feeling I had when Tim died was numbness. His death came out of nowhere, and I went into shock. I felt like I separate, and was watching myself and the world around me from a great height
If the five stages of grief doesn't work for you - just a reminder that it wasn't created for people who lose someone. Kübler-Ross created the model to help terminally ill people to come to term with their own illness and death.
As
#FathersDay
approaches, sending a shout out to the widowed people who weren't able to be dads, the
#widows
supporting children missing their dads, and to any
#widow
missing their dad
The turning of the year is hard after
#bereavement
, especially the first time, as it takes us into a year that our person didn't reach. Reach out for help, either here or IRL, raise a glass or a mug of tea to your person, and go back to the coping strategies that helped...
Want to know what to do when faced with someone's
#grief
and
#bereavement
? Talk about the person we have lost. Tell us it sucks. Tell us you love us. Listen. Continue to check in after the first few weeks & months. And here are a few ways to help:
#widow
@HandbookWidows
Some days, since my husband died unexpectedly, I remind myself that all I have to do today is breathe. Everything else can wait. Nothing else is important. It’s okay to just be still with my sadness, and breathe.
I'm going to be on BBC Radio Cornwall at 12.15-ish tomorrow on The Big Guest slot to talk to
@Skentelbery
about being a widow, and The Widow's Handbook. The interview should be available online afterwards.
While it might feel like the rest of the world is laser-focused on getting the year over and done with, you're not alone if you find yourself wishing that 2023 would slow down so you won't reach that sickening point of having to say "they died last year."
#PerfectlyNormal
If we say, “You should know that grief makes me…” how would you fill in the blank? Grief is incredibly isolating & impossibly hard. But the more we tell the truth about what grief is really like, the more people realize they're not alone.
#MedEd
#NormalizeGrief
When we are widowed, loneliness can be overwhelming and all-encompassing, and made worse by our
#grief
. It’s also a loneliness that isn’t linked to being alone – a
#widow
can be lonely in a crowd.
#ThingsYouLearnAsAWidow
#DerbyWitness
#Christmas
can be hard for some.
Don't push people who don't want to be part of the Christmas spirit - bereaved people, particularly if they were bereaved during the Festive season, don't always want to be part of the jollities.
#widow
#Grief
When you are widowed, people don't always know what to say or what to do. What people don't realise is that often all we want – all we need – is to hear our loved one's name. We want to talk about them, and we want to hear people's stories about them.
“What’s tough is no longer having what I call the ‘steering wheel stuff’, the stuff that you talk about at the end of the day, when you call the person you love most in the world..."
@ian_rodd
Totally this. Be there for them. Let let them talk about their person. Tell them it sucks. Tell them you care. And do this for weeks, months, years, not just days.
Mothering Sunday is coming up in the UK. Love to those who have lost their mums, those who are parenting because their kid's mums have died, those mums who lost their children, and those who didn't get to be mums xxx
#Christmas
can be such an emotional time, but it can be even more challenging for a
#widow
, because it brings up a lot of memories, happy or sad. As with so many things about being a widow, there is no right or wrong. No rules.
When we are widowed, everyone is aware of the biggest loss – the loss of our partner. But there are
#secondarylosses
as well, and one of these is the loss of role.
Do you feel that you have lost your role?
#widow
#grief
#LosingWhoIAm
In the early days of
#grief
, people would often ask me what they could do. One of the most useful suggestions I was given was to have a pad of sticky notes and a pen. Every time I thought of something I wrote it down, and then when people asked I gave them a note
Being bereaved is hard & we look for extra comfort. I comfort ate, drank & shopped when Tim died. This isn't about shaming. Being a
#widow
is hard enough without me telling you what to do. It's just here if this is something that you are thinking about.
When I was widowed I felt like I had lost my identity and I grieved the person I used to be. I still miss Tim, and I still miss who I was, but I have built a new me over the last five years
#widow
#grief
#LossOfIdentity
#LosingWhoIAm
This. So much this for me. I am stronger. I am proud of myself for surving.
But I know that not all widows love their lives. Sending love to you all today.
@PaulaMariaOCDS
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. It takes all the breath out of you and sweeps the ground away from under your feet. There is an amazing
#grief
community on Twitter, but for now it's one breath, one step, one moment at a time
You are a widow (I used this as a non-gendered term) and are welcome here if you have lost your partner.
Young or old or somewhere in between – you are a widow.
Committed to each other for a few months, or the whole of your life – you are a widow. 1/n
It looks like I'm going to be moving out of the house Tim and I bought together and where he died. It's the right thing to do but it's hard. Any words of wisdom?
#grief
#widow
Coming up to five years this Friday. I have moved forward but not moved on, and I have a new love but it hasn't displaced my old love. Grief is still there, but it's a companion rather than a raw and bleeding wound.
Sometimes after we are
#bereaved
, we feel that we are under pressure to live our lives to the full on behalf of the person we have lost. I've finally come to the conclusion that yes, we *should* live life to the full. But we should do it for us.
#widow
So moved by all the love & care you've all shown. I feel looked after.
Ran yesterday with my short & hairy dog, which helps. I'm sea swimming tomorrow morning if the conditions are right. And the days will be getting longer soon.
Be kind to yourselves over the next few weeks
Struggling a bit at the moment. Winter was never a good time for me and now it's the time between Tim's birthday in December and his death in February. I have a life I love and I know this is a blip, but I could really do with a hug.
When words aren't enough, true friends offer choices that warm the heart. 🤗💕
Here's a beautiful example of supporting a
#grieving
friend – through options, love, and understanding. What's your go-to way of showing you care?
📷:
@optionb
+ ashleegadd on IG
One of the things I learned as a
#widow
is that grief gets more bearable. It's still there but it no longer hurts as it did the day Tim died. I have a very different life. Not the life I planned or expected, but it's a good life. I discovered hope.
#grief
Hit 1500 followers today. Thank you for reading and sharing my posts. So much love to the
#widow
and
#grief
community - it's not a club any of us wanted to join but we support and look out for each other xxx
One think I do when things are tough is write down what I have achieved that day. Everything. Whether its getting up and washed and dressed, or acheiving a piece of
#sadmin
, or going to work, or buying something new, or cleaning the house. It shows me that I am doing things.
I'm writing about bereavement and the menopause, and the impact of one on the other, and there really isn't very much out there. Any
#widows
going through both
#grief
and the
#menopause
got any thoughts?
I have no idea who this woman is, but sharing your
#grief
does NOT cheapen it. It helps US to share, and it helps those around us to understand it. Please keep sharing.
Losing a parent is hard. Whatever age and however expected. But to me it’s a private grief. Making it public seems to cheapen it, make it marketable : Tim Minchin stuns audience with sad announcement via
@newscomauHQ
This is a message for everyone around those who
#grieve
. Don't tell them what they should do or how they should feel. Don't tell them to stop hurting or be happy. Don't tell them what the person they lost would want or not want. Just be there and listen.
@Skentelbery
I think that's a wonderful and generous thing to have done. Here's my thoughts about going back to work if they are helpful to you. Hope tomorrow is okay. I suspect a lot of love and laughter and tears
"'Gloom is good’: after my wife died I found solace in poetry and music
You can’t fight death, sickness, ageing and life’s various indignities, but you can play very loud rock’n’roll"
Been dreaming a lot about Tim & feeling sad, I think because I have to write a very difficult letter to someone from his life who has upset me badly. While life 5 years on is so different & so much better than I ever imagined,
#grief
still pokes you behind the knees now and then
Loss isn't a single timeline event. It has ripples. Your person is missing at every point in the future. This is a thing many people outside your grief can't understand: you haven't simply lost one person, at one point in time. Your future has changed as well as your “now.”
I’m sharing this again. It’s incredibly tough being a
#Covid
widow at the best of times. But the
#CovidInquiryUK
is making it that little bit harder. I want people to remember those who were lost. Those who were bereaved. Those who are still suffering.
Straight after Tim died, my head was full of fog. I felt disconnected from the world. I think this was my brain protecting me from the awfulness of what had just happened. While the disconnection went away, the fog –
#widowbrain
or
#griefbrain
– stayed.
Some science about grieving:
When your partner dies, your brain struggles to absorb or understand their absence, as your bond had been encoded as everlasting...