I've never told this to anyone before, but here goes.
Picture me, an 8 year old kid. Now picture Norm MacDonald: top of the world. On SNL, already achieving legend status on Weekend Update
No reason he should care about some 2nd grader, right? Well listen, because (1/8)
(8/8) 2nd grader was blushing, why his wrist grew purple as his dad's grip grew tighter as Dad apologized to SNL stars for his son's ignorance.
Only Norm saw what was going on. He kneeled down & said "Say kid, someday when I die, you have my permission to make it all about you"
You can relax, Jeff. It's not like there's some sort of system in the U.S. that allows someone to be killed just because they're a few months shy of an estimated due date.
(3/8) jumped at the chance to get tickets. He explained that what we were going to may not mean much to me now. But some day, I'd look back and thank God that I had been able to be in that audience.
Looking back today, I now know exactly what he meant.
"What did you have for dinner?"
You, A Manliness Expert: 32 ounces of steak, 224 grams of protein! Brussel sprouts, no seed oil. 3 bananas to help w/ recovery from deadlifts I did in the mirror, the only art in my 1BR!
Me: 2 kids left pasta in their dishes. Ate it with my hands
(2/8) Norm was the type to care. My father took me into midtown Manhattan because he met a guy at a bar who said he worked at NBC and could easily get tickets to SNL.
I was in 2nd grade, not even old enough to stay up to watch SNL. But the second my father had an in he
(7/8) the Hell out of my dad. At one point Tim Meadows came up all ready to sign an autograph and I sat there obviously indifferent to who he wasβyou could see him give my dad the side eye as he walked in.
Only one personβyou can guess whoβgrasped why this awkward, tooth-less
(5/8) about. Back then once you got inside for the tapingβthis was pre-9/11β30 Rock was relatively open. You could catch the stars in the hallways. It was up to my dad to spot them since again I wouldn't have known an SNL bigshot from Adam.
This enraged
(6/8) My dad. Every time he pointed to an SNL celebrity, the most famous people on the planet, I met his enthusiasm with a blank stare. You could see his face getting redder, especially when the SNL stars were so gracious. My ignorance looked like insolence and it bothered the
(4/8) We showed up at 30 Rockβlike I knew the addressβand I had butterflies in my stomach. I don't know why they were there. Had no idea what I was experiencing. I just knew that something big was going to happen even if I had no clue what it was I was supposed to be nervous
The scientist who said she was fired by Gov. DeSantis for refusing to censor Florida's Covid-19 numbers says sheβs hoping to unseat another high-profile Republican politician in the state β Rep. Gaetz.
Your employer doesn't want to be your baby daddy. It wants to be the deadbeat who drives you to the clinic and reassures himself that he is noble by going Dutch on the abortion
Suicide rate by age:
5-11 Pre-COVID: 0.17/100,000
12-17: 5.18/100,000
That's a 3,000 percent jump as kids age. Now consider that suicides among 5-11 year olds tripled during lockdowns.
Since interrupting public officials is now domestic terrorism Abbott should borrow from the Dem Playbook: Report Beto to the DOJ's National Security Division. Then leak to the press that the FBI is investigating Beto for terrorism.
Beto O'Rourke just confronted Republican Greg Abbott during his press conference on the mass shooting, saying, "This is on you until you choose to do something."
Look, I'm a reasonable conservative, not some rightwing nut job. These culture war games must end. It's not KBJ's fault that prosecutors didn't think to bring in a biologist to explain to the court that raping a child is wrong!
The two largest racial bias cases brought by the federal government in California involve Inland Empire warehouses, where Black workers accused Latino coworkers and supervisors of widespread abuse.
COVID has forced me to reevaluate my priors. I always thought elite secularism's beef with Christianity was the morality; turns out it was the absence of purification rituals.
This is the real-life Handmaid's Tale. A true cautionary tale for the U.S., which has our own far religious right dreaming of a theocracy that would impose a particular brand of Christianity, drive women from the workforce and solely into childbirth, and control all politics.
A VERY confused Joe Biden starts absolutely SCREAMING as he recounts the recycled "suckers and losers" hoax β slurring the entire way.
The man is NOT well. π³
People with security clearances also thought there was a pee tape, that a man who castrates himself is a woman, and that Iraq had WMDs. Such lunatics don't need the internet; they have the NYT.
@literaryeric
Love the emotional manipulation of this chestnut. Why not say βitβs me, Eric, in the building or 25 fetuses? Pick oneβ
At least then we can have fun in the replies.
Our diplomatic corps insisted we were waging a hearts and minds campaign and thought a George Floyd mural would help? They are now mad the Taliban painted over it.
I will never need an abortion because I cannot get pregnant. I don't have a uterus, and I have been clear about that. Back to the original point: why do you believe 10 year-old girls should be forced to give birth after they've been raped?
Biden, who previously said he'd make Saudi Arabia "the pariah that they are," shares a handshake and a smile with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman at the G20 Summit
This tweet lacks important context: The 203rd ranked man only beat Venus and Serena bc he was on PEDs* at the time (*he was smoking and drinking between sets)
Dem witness: "There's been this news article about men that think they can beat Serena Williams in tennis. And it's just not the case. She is stronger than them."
@Riley_Gaines_
: "Both Serena and Venus lost to the 203rd ranked male tennis player."
"What's your daily routine?"
You, A Manliness Expert: I NEVER SKIP LEG DAY. 80 squats, 1.5 body weight; play around with 50 kg kettlebell (Real men use the metric system). Steam room, massage, domination
Me: I think they had school; Idk I drove them somewhere. Then I had coffee
"I'm a dystopia reporter"
What does that mean?
"So say the government partners with corporations to force workers to take a newly-minted, expensive pharmaceutical..."
Holy moly, that sounds
"...I call it good news"
Quick thread:
There is, finally, good news from the anti-vaccine beat.
Itβs wrapped in some bad news.
The good: Mandates are working. Anti-vaxxers are exhausted, giving in and getting the shot.
The bad: Theyβre running home to βdetoxβ in weird ways, hoping to βundoβ it.
Can someone build a bot that automatically responds to every Ben tweet with the name of a business that was driven into extinction while he reported on how you were a neo-Nazi if you didn't subscribe to AmazonPrime/OnlyFans and cheer the billionaire Space Race
Lenin: The Capitalists will sell us the rope with which we will hang them.
Capitalists: We will pay our workers bonuses to kill their babies
Lenin: Holy sh...
"What motivates you?"
You, A Manliness Expert: The same thing that motivated men since time immemorial: building glamor muscles through lifting weights/shooting guns in the desert so I can attract sterilized IG models
Me: These kids probably need food and shelter.
It goes w/o saying that dads don't have a favorite kid. But my toddler bit the neighbor's cat after it tried to scratch her, so that first sentence is a complete lie.
Here is Vice President Kamala Harris omitting the inalienable right to life when referencing the Declaration of Independence in defense of Roe v. Wade.
We are devastated by TBD McMorris's appalling use of a known white supremacist hand gesture. There is no excuse for such callous bigotry. We've been reading
@DrIbram
's children's book aloud every night since the ultrasound and hope s/he will recognize
#HateHasNoHomeHere
Breathalyzer makers and MADD have spent $1 million+ lobbying to require BAC monitors in all new cars. Senate has now tucked the mandate into the Infrastructure Bill
via
@SaysSimonson
@jackmcv_
DC Mayor Bowser, BLM Plaza architect, scrubbed pro-freedom message from in front of Cuban embassy.
Bowser has lavished Castro regime with praise
via
@leif_lemahieu
Which would only invite more questions about how KBJ could go so soft on child sex rapists. Bravo to KBJ for shutting down reactionaries like a true
#GirlBoss
βI believe people are inherently good insideβ¦β right after you brag about vacuuming out the person who was inside so you could be in commercials everyone fast forwards through
Infants are hilarious. Hand them anything--stuffy, blanket, rock hammer, etc--and their 1st instinct is to bite it. Hand them food and all of a sudden they're like, "this must be a hat"
The second Ketanji Brown Jackson said, "a woman is an adult human female," fascists would use it to point out that KBJ is aware there's a distinction between minors and adults
I'm humbled and honored by all the attention this is getting; to the TV bookers flooding my DMs, please contact my agent. Giannaslog(@) I will do my best to accommodate!
The FBI cited
#DraftOurDaughters
in a criminal investigation into election misinformation.
House Democrats are about to make it a reality through the defense bill
The far right perceives Judge Brown's reticence to define "woman" as some radical departure from reality. This is a game the radical right has effectively deployed for years
People went to federal prison for closing just 2 lanes of a local exit to the George Washington Bridge. Media even added a βGateβ to it, so youβd know what they did threatened Democracy, public safety and apple pie.
Real mystery why this isnβt being treated like βBridgegateβ
One week after Twitter promoted an article trumpeting the "profound peace" of assisted suicide, the AP shows the reality of Canada's euthanasia regime h/t
@jbarro
Humiliation assumes a sense of shame. No one has faced professional censure of any sort in the fight against Trump no matter how much they debased themselves. Quite the opposite.
Losing 9-0 at SCOTUS won't hurt book deals or speakers circuit fees one bit.
It is clear SCOTUS' decision will not even be close.
And it will represent a TOTAL HUMILIATION to so many "legal experts" and "historians" who filed amicus briefs to defend Colorado's actions.
"Say kid, if people attach themselves to my memory, are you going to use it for yourself or maybe some Marine's widow and the baby he'll never meet?"
Fine, Norm. If you insist on calling out a 2nd grader...
Going out on a limb here, but when the firefighters chanted "U-S-A" at Ground Zero, they didn't have, "we're gonna blow up 7 random Afghan kids and their aid worker family" in mind.