I saw my ex on a dating app so I read her bio. I must have done a number on her because It said “I want a guy who makes me laugh, just me, not a room full of drunks”
Man, for a guy who made out with a girl at camp one time and then looked at the moon every night for 2 months hoping she was also looking up at it I’m sure taking a while to marry my girlfriend
Why is Godzilla always smashing buildings? He’s a lizard. A Godzilla movie should just be him coming out of the water and holding onto a twig for 57 hours
Me interviewing Jerry Seinfeld
Me: Jer, I smoke a ton of weed and I’m starting to think its bad for my career/life. Do you ever smoke weed?
JS: no.
Me: fuck!
I just remembered a few months ago a girl I went to high school with DMed me about coming out to a show in the city and she brought 3 other girls from high school and I bombed very weirdly and they didn’t even reach out after to say “good seeing you” hahaha what a terrible life.
If your comedy is cruel, you are cruel. If your comedy is racist, you are racist. If your comedy is transphobic, you are transphobic.
You fucking wrote the jokes and said them out loud!!! It’s not like god dropped a notebook in your lap and you have to say these things or die.
I’m done with drinking I don’t wanna be old and unhealthy. Plus I work harder, I sleep better, and I don’t spend a ton of money. There’s literally no pros to drinking besides I love it and can’t live without it
I love when a girl calls you “dude” or “man” to subtly tell you they just want to be friends. I’m like “hey bucko! I’m still in love with you and see your face when I close my eyes old buddy old pal!”
You ever been listening to a podcast and everyone laughing and you’re laughing and everyone’s having a good time and then it ends and you’re just sitting in your room in your silent loneliness?