Andy Richter @AndyRichter Twitter profile

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

It's a great time to be alive if you're dumb and mean

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Last Seen Profiles

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

He was in there for an hour. I can’t get over it. He was in there with those kids, only a locked door between him and the police, FOR AN HOUR

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Oh really? Well “go fuck yourself” is a directive.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

My friend’s pug went to the vet

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

What stake does a white 17 year old from Illinois have in “protecting the streets of Kenosha,” other than the opportunity to fulfill the gun cult fantasy of hunting Black people? Law and order? The protection of property? Bullshit.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

You know what’s the worst, most boring kind of comedy? The kind where older white men are angry that older white men can’t do or say whatever the fuck they want anymore.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

Got a text from my sister this morning

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Fuck you

Lifehacker

@lifehacker

6 years

The secret ingredient for a towering, fluffy pancake? Mayonnaise.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Imagine getting on Twitter today to argue with people that nothing needs to change. Imagine using your time today to argue that your hobby is more important than 17 people who were murdered in a high school.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

On the same night that racists are carrying torches in Charlottesville I see this tweet. Choose well what kind of human you're going to be.

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@Jprz1321

7 years

Who's cutting onions?

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

Me: “Whose bra is that?” Daughter: “Mine.” Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?” Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

I sat in silence for almost 30 years while people made fun of my partner’s hair. So it’s not how I would’ve handled it, but I understand

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

It’s either kids or guns. You need to decide which one is more important and vote accordingly.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

I hope men are noticing how much the Republicans are trying to make a complicated honest loving forgiving father/son relationship seem like weakness

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

This is like wearing a condom on your balls

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Wow. Look at all these countries that don't have any mentally ill people

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

I masturbated with CBD lotion and my penis moved to Berkeley to learn ceramics

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Roy Moore not conceding reminds me of something I’ve noticed: a certain kind of white man, having grown used to creating realities to his liking, when confronted with a reality not to his liking tantrums like a goddamned baby

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

Got an alarming text from my 15 yo daughter

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

The Joe Rogan fan that called me “Conan’s pocket pussy” got a big laugh from my daughter

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I'm at the mall w my daughter & her cousin, and, bc I cramp their style, my kid has asked me walk behind them at a distance. So now I'm just a 51 yo man following two 12 yo girls around a mall

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

13 yo looks at car radio. “What’s Steely Dan?” “It’s a band.” “What does their name mean?” “It’s the name of a dildo in a book about drugs.” “Really?” “Yes.” It’s called parenting, people.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

Went to visit my aunt, who despite suffering from dementia, has an intact sense of humor. Me: How have you been? Her: I have no idea.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

The only right I care about today is the right of children to not be murdered in their school by someone wielding a weapon of war

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

They’re attacking those Parkland kids because they’re afraid of them. They’re calling them liars because they can tell people believe them. And people believe those kids because they’re telling truths.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

As an upstanding Satanist family we're all very excited about our little ones now being able to praise Baphomet after their t-ball games

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

So it’s been proven. There’s a 99% chance that the GOP doesn’t give a shit about you.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Seems like a lot of writers think it’s liberals’ job to sort out the Nazis from the conservatives. Are you a conservative who’s made sad by being lumped in w Nazis? Well, clean your fucking house. And be loud about it.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

So I snitched this fucker out to the flight attendant, who told him to put them down. Puts them back a few minutes later & I asked him to put them down. “They’re your bare feet, man.” He was shocked & put them down. When he just put them back up I decided fuck it, I’m tweeting

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

Just texting with my son

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

When they say "nothing could have prevented this," remember they mean nothing but laws that have lowered gun deaths in other countries.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

I’m on the Warner Bros lot for the first time since March. One of the worst things about not being able to go into the office is that I couldn’t get my fan mail

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

Every year when I get the Christmas lights out of the garage I am struck by how little respect last year’s me has for this year’s me

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

This is a fucked up country

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

To every person in media saying “Democrats’ over-reaction to Trump’s racism could cost them votes” as opposed to “Trump’s obvious racism will cost him votes”: what is wrong with you?

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

Fuck it, just gonna start my own talk show

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

He needs to find a sport that has an electoral college of fans

Adam Parkhomenko

@AdamParkhomenko

5 years

Trump getting booed at UFC! LMAO! Even there?!

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Seems like common sense gun control is pretty popular #MarchForOurLives

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I have never taken the right amount of napkins

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I’m 51. It is appalling to me that the “why women don’t report sexual assault” pieces that I’ve seen published throughout my ENTIRE life are still necessary. As if simple human empathy wasn’t enough to understand why. Be better, men. You make life awful for women. Stop it.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

From David Sedaris

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

HUMANS: If I approach and initiate a conversation with your dog there is no need for you to involve yourself. If I wanted to talk to you, I would.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

“So you’re going to raise my taxes?” “Yes, but costs go down so much you end up saving money.” “So you’re going to raise my taxes?” “Again, yes, but healthcare will be covered & you’ll ultimately spend less.” “So you’re going to raise my taxes?” “Are you an idiot?” “Yes.”

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

If you are unburdened by depression, real true depression, count yourself lucky. Keep your quick fixes to yourself. This is the kind of bullshit that kills people. Learn, then speak. Or just be lucky and quiet.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

. @amazon Please stop advertising on Breitbart

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Whether it's claiming George Soros is paying protesters, or saying a student-conceived, student-led day of national protest is an insidious liberal scam, the right just can't believe anyone would stick their neck out for someone other than themselves

Media Matters

@mmfa

6 years

Ben Shapiro: "They are activating these kids, and putting them out on the front lines, and putting them in photo ops, so that they can essentially use them as political human shields"

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

You’re the Vice President. She’s the second lady. You work for the American people. All the American people. Even the ones you call sinners, you fucking brick.

The Washington Post

@washingtonpost

5 years

Pence says criticism of wife’s job at anti-LGBT Christian school is "deeply offensive to us"

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

I’m not usually big on self-congratulations, but I just got off the scale and I have officially lost 40 pounds, and I feel pretty proud of that. I also trimmed my toenails, but I believe that had a negligible effect on my overall weight if any

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

Some non-election news: I got engaged! To a lady! Her name is Jennifer Herrera and she’s the best. We’ve been together since the beginning of the year, and we’re getting married next summer. HOORAY LOVE! ❤️❤️❤️

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I like brown rice, and appreciate that it’s more healthy than white, but sometimes I forget to start cooking it 72 hours before we want to eat it

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

AS A TAXPAYER, I ONLY AUTHORIZED PAYING FOR ONE WHITE HOUSE, NOT THREE

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

Imagine your kid was on the debate team and you go to their school to see them participate in a debate, and your kid behaves the way the President of the US did tonight. You’d be mortified, and wonder where you went wrong

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

History will have no choice but to see us as deeply fucking stupid

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I applaud brave patriots smashing their coffee makers! But think of all the small appliances in your house THAT NEVER ADVERTISED ON HANNITY IN THE FIRST PLACE! Wtf is up w that lib bs? SMASH THEM ALL! I bet your hair dryer disapproves of adults dating middle schoolers! SMASH IT!

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

You also stand with David Duke, Vladimir Putin, and a bunch of fucking nazis, so no.

GOP

@GOP

7 years

We stand with @POTUS . Do you? #9thcircuit

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

My daughter painted my portrait

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Whining about wishing the Democrats would change laws so kids don't get hurt while you run all 3 branches of the govt is CLASSIC piece of shit abuser talk. We can't get these fuckers to jail fast enough

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

Seriously what the fuck is going on

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren in the primary. I will happily vote for her or Bernie Sanders in the general (less happily for the others), but I prefer her bc I think she is better positioned to execute the progressive policies that this country desperately needs. 1/8

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

20+ dead in a small town church. 500+ shot in Vegas. If this isn’t a public heath crisis, what is? This sure isn’t freedom.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

They’re coming for your stolen Federal documents next!

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

I hope I’m remembered as a giant colorful moth native to Thailand

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

It’s always so strange to me when a woman tries to insult a man by calling him a woman

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

DONALD FUCKING TRUMP IS MAKING SNIDE COMMENTS ABOUT PUERTO RICO NOT PAYING BANK LOANS. THE FUCKING GALL

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

Honestly, broadcast this on a loop on every Walmart and Costco display tv

Leslie Jones 🦋

@Lesdoggg

3 years

Couldn’t say it better

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I just fainted

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

"Chain migration" is just another way of saying "keeping families together." It's how my ancestors got here, & probably how yours did, too. Those demonizing it are motivated by bigotry & fear.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

For every cute video of unlikely animal friends there are ten pairs of animals who live under the same roof who can barely fucking stand each other

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

Australia confiscated 650,000 guns. Murders and suicides plummeted.

Australia confiscated 650,000 guns. Murders and suicides plummeted.

In the wake of the killing in Uvalde, here’s what America can learn from Australia’s response to tragedy.

www.vox.com

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I have been followed by an ever-present amorphous sadness for almost my entire life. I am 51 yrs old. It varies in strength from a casual unresolvable suspicion that I will never find the joy that others do in a sunset, to the feeling that being dead might a respite & a kindness

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

I am no theologian, but I’ve always found it weird that Jesus‘s middle name is Fucking

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

To keep kids from vaping, vapes should only come in adult flavors, like: Extremely Salty Booze Breath Nut Meats Glendale DMV Candied Eel Genitalia Step Uncle Ultrasound Gel Coffee Pee Medication Super Onion Bronchodilator One’s Own Blood Escrow Papers Quince

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

Trump administration personnel are the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet. Kudos @GOP

Monica Crowley

@MonicaCrowley

9 years

At the Berlin Wall last week. Walls work. http://t.co/2N3B4IUhbj

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Why would anyone living Oprah’s life want to run for President?

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

Every dog that you’ve ever seen riding in a car had absolutely no idea where it was going. Imagine living like that.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

As someone who makes a good living, I’d be happy to pay pre-Reagan tax rates in exchange for roads/bridges/schools/families that aren’t falling apart.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Any parent of a difficult child will tell you that you have to pick your battles; to stave off a tantrum sometimes appeasement is called for, or else you risk the child melting down, hurting himself or others, or firing the special prosecutor.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

A guy at the dog park keeps yelling for his dog Marco and I can’t be the only one here who is trying not to yell Polo back

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

My son did an art institute at UCLA for high school kids. They had their gallery show today

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

It shows a stunning denseness to choose a clip of your own cameo in a pro wrestling match to attack something for being "fake"

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Count me as "one who does"

The Hill

@thehill

6 years

Huckabee Sanders: I doubt "any person in America" cares about Trump asking FBI chief who he voted for

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

“WHAT ABOUT CHICAGO?” regurgitates every gun loving NRA puppet, even though this “point” is easily debunked. So ONE MORE TIME:

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

Pitch: from now on we refer to the beginning of a catastrophic clusterfuck as “coming down the escalator”

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

If you said you were pro racism, pro white supremacy, pro religious bigotry, pro corruption, pro sexism and all in for an American version of apartheid, I’d never talk to you again. Which is why I don’t feel the slightest guilt about blocking every Trump supporter in my mentions

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

We should never have to take these people seriously ever again, as they are demonstrably full of shit

The Hill

@thehill

5 years

Evangelicals go all in for Trump reelection

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

Now that Trump’s admitted to sabotaging the post office to destroy mail-in voting, every GOP politician not denouncing it is actively complicit in a truly historic attack on the constitution and a massive act of corruption. Every single one.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Everything a person might need to know about what’s wrong with American capitalism can be summed up in the phrase “for-profit prison”.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

3 years

I was trying to calm my 15-yo daughter’s anxiety about driving a car, and the advice that resonated best with her was “think of how many fucking idiots know how to drive a car”

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

4 years

It’s really important to keep guys like this off of the Supreme Court, so I’m going to vote for Joe Biden.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

2 years

Can't believe how no one is talking about how the Ghislaine Maxwell trial is conveniently taking place during Happy Honda Days, such an obvious attempt to distract us from the great deals available on their whole line up of award-winning vehicles

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

Remember that, for the people who say “it’s too early to politicize this mass shooting,” your silence & inaction is their political goal.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

I hope NBC has Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir host their coverage of the impeachment

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

Yes, just as I chose to be "sex-free" in high school

National Review

@NRO

7 years

Trump Should Have a Celebrity-Free Inauguration

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

7 years

Protests are supposed to upset and challenge people. That's the whole fucking point.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

8 years

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

Some ppl are accusing me of using school shootings to advance my political agenda. Fewer dead school kids is a “political” agenda? Okay. What’s yours? More dead kids?

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

6 years

It’s not just that none of the morons on his WH staff knew to say “not in front of the Jackson portrait” or the way he barely seems to be listening or even the Pocahontas - it’s that that pampered nothing talked to those heroic vets like they were children. Just vile. The worst.

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Andy Richter

@AndyRichter

5 years

My whole feed rn is all ppl who loved Brody. I knew Brody, but not as well as I know depression, and I can guess that Brody knew how much he was loved, and by how many people, and it still didn’t stop him. Depression is a fucking killer. Don’t ever underestimate it. Get help now.

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