I would like to bet everything I have that next year there will be a Superbowl commercial with Will Smith and Chris Rock eating Tostitos or something, saying "this new queso really slaps"
The BROOKLYN NINE-NINE fans got the show picked up by NBC.
They claim to have the best fans ever.
But I know they're wrong!
Let's get BROOKLYN NINE-NINE re-canceled and show them how truly powerful we are!
We can do this!
#ReCancelBrooklynNineNine
Love the clowns who are laughing as if Neil Young ever thought Spotify would drop Joe Rogen. The guy took a stand, put his money where his mouth is. Forced a shitty company to make a true colors-revealing decision. This is just one of the many reasons Neil is an all-timer.
In April 2019 I wrote a script for GROWN UPS 3.
I was not asked to write it.
It is the best thing I will ever do in my life, professional or otherwise.
And here it is, my first gift to everyone in 2020.
Read it! Enjoy it! Sign the mailing list!
I set a goal on Oct 1st to walk 1 million steps by Jan 1st. Approximately five miles a day every day. Had some setbacks, kept pushing. I have about 15,000 steps to go. Gonna hit it tomorrow if the weather holds. Might not seem impressive to you but it took all I had to get here.
In 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, we learn that Mr Langley taught HAL-9000 the song "Daisy" on January 12th, 1992.
Why didn't Mr. Langley teach HAL something from BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIK, like "Suck My Kiss" or "Sir Psycho Sexy"? The album had been out for FOUR MONTHS at this point!
So the Offspring just booted their drummer from the band because he wouldn't get the Covid-19 shot...
I guess you could say that the band decided that they needed to "keep 'em vaccinated!"
PLEASE DO NOT STEAL THIS JOKE
PLEASE GIVE ME FULL CREDIT FOR THIS JOKE
The first Cars album is literally perfect; there might not be a better debut ever. The rest of the catalog is untouchable.
Ric Ocasek was the architect. Nobody could combine pop hits with straight up weirdness like he could.
What a body of work, what a cool guy. Rest in power.
If you - as I have - worked on a TV show or movie in which police are portrayed as lovable goofballs you have contributed to the larger acceptance that cops are the implicitly the good guys. Most shows dont portray the brutal shit - much less the racism - that goes on daily. 1/3
I truly believe that Trump wouldn’t be president if people had rightfully appreciated MGMT’s second album.
The cultural rejection of CONGRATULATIONS started a chain reaction of stupidity that led us to where we are now.
Pumped to get onto the set of KNIVES OUT 2. I am honored to have been cast as Kirk, a janitor who is revealed to be the murderer. It's a small part but I will give it everything I've got!
Thank you for this opportunity
@rianjohnson
. I won't let you down.
Anybody whining about the so-called entitlement of millennials should check out any late '60s footage of hippies demanding to be let into festivals that cost $4.00 to watch a hundred legends perform because "music is supposed to be free" Nobody beats boomers for dickhead actions!
One of the true highlights of life is the moment when you pull behind a car covered in bumper stickers, saying to yourself “I can’t wait to see what this maniac is all about”
Daniel Johnston was and will always be a heavyweight. He took us all on an artistic journey through light and darkness, his pain was our gift.
An all-time great, the songs stand as a perfect summation of an imperfect life.
Rest in power and keep punching, Joe.
Laugh all you want but I will clutch my Blu-Rays and DVDs tighter after an amazing service like Filmstruck gets shut down over a business decision. Corporations have no commitment to art. You can't count on them to make/keep the good stuff available.
The Best Show is on hiatus until further notice. Thanks for the support for the last few years, I will be back soon in some form or another.
Not tweeting this to be dramatic, it's just that we should all have bigger and better things to focus on right now. I know I do.
Mr President:
I did not vote for you. But you are my president and I will abide by your commands.
But please sir, the schoolyard taunting MUST stop! It is beneath both you and the presidency.
Consider this strike one, sir.
And you know what happens with strike three...
I have a book coming out this July.
It is called IT NEVER ENDS.
It is a funny memoir but it's more than that!
I'm very proud of it!
You can pre-order the book at
There will be something exciting for all pre-orders, so hang tight and ORDER THE BOOK!
Mister Trump:
I disagree with some of your policies. But I will support all of them because you are our commander in chief.
What I cannot abide by is your mocking tone. You are our leader. Act like it.
This is strike one, sir. And you know what happens with strike three.
One thing about losing David Berman and others to suicide:
Some of us think about suicide the way others think about the weather. A constant and unrelenting throb barely kept at bay.
All we can do for those in our lives who struggle is to keep them alive. Do whatever you can.
For the next 24 hours my Twitter account will consist of me telling you whether the Pet Shop Boys are better than any band that comes to your mind.
Simply tweet at me "Are the Pet Shop Boys better than (band name)?" and I will answer. Real answers only, I promise.
I've seen SUICIDE SQUAD 93 times. Theaters, revival houses, private parties, solo screenings.
And when Killer Croc throws the explosives for Deadshot to shoot with Harley's gun to stop the Enchantress, everyone rises to their feet and cheers.
Every. Single. Time.
Putting the money where the mouth is.
Might make things for difficult for some listeners so I apologize. We will help all Spotify listeners find the show.
And to those who "haven't heard of me", I probably haven't heard of you either.
Mr Trump:
You have been a rude man with poor manners and we all know that. But now your latest actions are truly beyond the pale.
Consider this strike one, Mr. Trump.
And if you know the rules of baseball, you know what will happen when you get to three strikes.
We also need to PAY UP. If you made your living portraying cops as harmless heroes, consider giving $$ to support what is right and just, to contribute to actual change.
Here's a site that splits donations between worthwhile organizations.
Thanks!
3/3
Mr Trump -
Your unfailing guidance through this pandemic is a gift. You are a beacon of strength and generosity. Every American thanks you.
But these schoolyard taunts must stop. They are beneath you, sir.
Consider this strike one. And you know what happens with strike three.
The Todd Haynes Velvet Underground doc is perfect. Jaw dropping and moving. A celebration of art and the avant garde and weirdness. No cheap animation, no indie rock dorks in front of a wall of LPs telling me why "Sister Ray" is awesome. Absolute perfection.
I worked on MONK, that's what we did. Goofy good guy cops for eight seasons.
Not saying you should be necessarily be ashamed of your work, it's comedy/entertainment, I get it. But we need to be mindful of the implications of this attitude going forward.
2/3
So yeah, I've got Covid. Six days in and it's brutal.
People lead me to believe that if you get it when you're vaxxed/boosted that it's generally a breeze. Not for me. I feel like I got hit by a truck that makes me sleep. Ugh.
Saddened to hear that Avalanche Bob has passed away.
He was a great caller and I loved how excited he was about his music and art. He always gave it everything he had. We would all be so lucky to be as engaged and passionate about things as Bob was.
Rest in peace, Bob.
I just joined a fun. tribute band and we are called fun. There is no period at the end of our band name, it’s just fun. I’ve got to stop ending sentences with my tribute band name or you’ll never be able to understand that our name isn’t fun. Damnit I did it again! Once and for a
It's 3 AM.
Trump sits alone in the Oval Office, his trusty Stratocaster across his knee, strumming away at a slow and somewhat bluesy rendition of "It's Been Awhile" by Staind.
His technique is rudimentary but the feeling is undeniable. The man and the music are one.
Mister Trump:
Happy holidays from every single American! We all appreciate your love for our country.
But this is a season for giving, not schoolyard taunting. We expect more.
Consider this strike one, sir. And please be mindful of what happens when you get three strikes.
Mr. Trump:
I write to you as a fellow American. I know you love this grand land of ours with all your heart, as do I.
So sir, I beseech you to leave the playground antics to children.
Consider this strike one, Mister Trump. And we know what happens when you get three strikes.
Look, I love Conan O'Brien. And I'm sure his podcast will be great. But with all of my heart I hope that Jay Leno figures out a way to steal it from him.
Fuck these idiots.
Here's to hoping the moron from Bar Rescue gets locked inside a walk-in freezer, banging on the door, hoping one of the "hungry dogs" hears his sad screams as his hair gel freezes and cracks
Everyone complains that the only movies that get made are superhero movies.
If you want that to change you gotta walk the walk. Having a movie like SORRY TO BOTHER YOU make as much $$$ as possible gets the next SORRY TO BOTHER YOU made.
See it!
Ok. Oops.
THIS is the complete list of cities for the expanded run of
#SorryToBotherYou
this weekend!!!
One week only. 130 cities.
Disregard that other list.
Devastated to hear about the passing of Dave from Knoxville. Dave called the show and was nothing short of a complete gentleman every time. Funny, smart, fantastic taste, extremely kind and thoughtful. One of the true greats. Dave is gonna be missed by countless friends and fans.
"Vote harder"?
How much harder are we supposed to vote? Until the voting machines break?
How about ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WITH THE POWER WE AFFORDED YOU.
None of these assholes are on our side. Fuck them all, we gotta take care of our own now.
The Puppy Bowl is fantastic and it's great that the dogs are shelter/rescue pups.
But don't be afraid to get an older shelter dog! They know what's what and are full of love!
Good N Poochy is a rescue dog and she has improved my life in every possible way!
Mr Trump:
I speak for all Americans wishing you a happy birthday and a long and healthy life. You are president and we honor you.
But please stop with the schoolyard taunting. We demand better.
Consider this strike one, sir. And you know what happens with strike three.
The response to my GROWN UPS 3 script has been amazing. I'm glad people love it!
But this is the beginning! We are gonna keep ramming this down everyone's throats!
Spread it around! Tell your friends!
#GrownUps3
If the rumors about Desus & Mero breaking up are true that means two things:
1) Two of the greatest to do it are stepping down and deserve our accolades
2) I am now the undisputed king of podcasting, those were the only two who could make a run at King Tom
#BestShow24
Pete Davidson looks focused. Eyes on the prize. Ready to lose himself in the characters and make the next season of SNL about one thing and one thing only - comedy.
We all stopped “that’s not a thing”.
We killed off “I threw up in my mouth a little”.
Now it’s time to end slapping a number on a porn title for cheap laughs. “My favorite movie is ATOMIC BUTTS 7” (that’s a cleaned up title, I run a family account here)
Mister Trump:
I speak for all Americans when I say we appreciate your passion for the USA.
But you crossed a line today, sir. A line that is more than Democrat vs Republican.
Consider this strike one, sir. And please be mindful of what happens when you get three strikes.
I got to interview Michael Nesmith a bunch of years ago. Drove to his studio. Talked for a couple hours. He was as smart, funny, insightful and as impressive as I could've hoped. Legendary songwriter, hilarious actor. He is and will always be my hero. My favorite. Rest In Peace.
At a party. I picked up the romote and tried to play Hiroshima Mon Amour on Criterion Channel but everyone here wants to watch the Super Bowl.
The morons are taking over, folks. It's a page out of IDIOCRACY (2006, dir. Mike Judge)
No Best Show this week, sorry. In the parlance of the times I am dealing with some "personal issues". I'm trying to "address them" so I don't "run into traffic" or "crawl into a hole".
I'll be back next week and will have fully "rationalized all my problems so I can "function"
People ask "where do you stand on this whole Conan podcast thing, Tom?"
And I say the same thing I've said since we started 'casting in 2005:
Best Show wasn't the first
But!
Best Show is the best
We invented the game
We reinvented the game
We won the game
Game over
I stopped watching this disaster to literally drive a check to the Community Food Bank of New Jersey.
Figure out a way to help the truly powerless. People who are victimized and abused, people who don't have food or shelter... hold onto your humanity!
I’m not saying Indiana Jones is old but there’s a scene in DIAL OF DESTINY where he gets tricked by a phone scammer into wiring money to get his grandson out of trouble
Already seeing people turning this discussion into a debate. It's not.
I'm glad I'm all boosted up, I can't imagine what this would feel like without any safeguards.
Please take the debates somewhere else, nice people are saying nice things to me while I'm sick and it helps.
BREAKING NEWS
Annabelle is loose in the NBA bubble
Annabelle is loose in the NBA bubble
All players and coaches: PLEASE BEWARE
I repeat:
Annabelle is loose in the NBA bubble
We are gonna keep making stuff, which is all we can do in the face of this nightmare.
New Best Shows will happen every week. New bonus content every week. Some surprises as well!
We are about to show you why everyone else in the pod game is a fraud