Paul Black @paulbIack Twitter profile

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

9 days

Hello I have a new show at the @edfringe and it’s on sale now come on down plz x @Gildedballoon

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

Why, as an 11 year old boy, was I doing the Special K diet with my mum

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

1 year

“I read something the other day”- me referencing a TikTok I watched

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

People who study fashion posting every met gala outfit on their story to remind you they know more about fashion than you

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

Remember when people with asthma would have normal inhalers then the asthmatron3000s would pull out this thing....like was it that serious

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

Davina McCall is literally ageless 😍

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

The Wanted wrote Chasing The Sun about my maw moving her fold up chair half a metre across the garden every 45 minutes

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Undercover police in gay bars

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

The sexual tension between me and eating my lunch before 12pm

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

7 years

How BORIN r cunts who moan at ppl posting too many holiday pics no my fault I'm drowning in Fanta lemon n paprika crisps n ur on a backshift

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Klarna really said “get in debt to buy a costume from a show about debt ❤️”

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

I simply can’t get over this Smiths themed Indian in Manchester

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Me whenever I have to betray my Scottish roots

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

HMRC are obsessed with me I got a standard grade 5 in maths not my fault I can’t calculate my tax return correctly how about you focus on Gary Barlow

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

The biggest wank you know is home for Christmas

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

The pharmacist and cashier in the back whilst I wait for my prescription

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Howling just phoned a Chinese n went “can I get a delivery please” and the woman goes “fuck sake right what do u want then?” I’m sorry what else were u expecting but also fair enough I feel that

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

POV: You’re Watching Drag Race with Your Straight Boyfriend

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 years

Omg Georgia has LOST IT since leaving Love Island 😳

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

Me and my fiancé just bought our first home aged 21. This is what can happen when you stop eating iced coffees and AirPods. Put down the avocado toast and grind

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 years

The Starry Night - Vincent van Gogh (1889)

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Scotrail’s customer service training

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

A fan is not enough in this heat I need a full tango ice blast up my ass

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

School receptionists when you tell them you’re sick

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Landlords painting entire flats magnolia instead of white should be punishable by prison sentence I’m sorry that’s just how it has to be now

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realised when it comes to friends its not about the quantity nor is it about quality it’s about friends with practical skills, you need to get a hairdresser friend, an electrician, a plumber etc that’s all that matters

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

My mum insane for this

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

If anyone is suffering from anxiety & depression I cannot stress enough how important it is to go outside and deck it on the ice. Nothing brings you out of your head like the level of presence that comes from cunting it

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

If I was a cyclist I would simply cycle on the pavement

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Had to make the most of my time with the First Minister eh

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

They did it for her

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

I would literally do anything to be on holiday right now anything

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Me when I’m on the phone to my friend Colin and the receptions bad:

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Your homophobic da trying to remember George Michael’s name

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

POV: You’re Prince Phillip and I’m your nurse

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

I swear some of you are making up these hills you’re climbing at the weekends in Scotland. Cunts on insta giving it “Conquered Ben Mitchell this weekend 👊”

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

Selling Sunset be like “the view on this property is amazing” and it’s an infinity pool overlooking the driest mound of dirt you’ve ever seen

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Here’s a compilation of my Gran for anyone who needs it tonight

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

10 months

I’m joining Just Stop Oil so I can go to the eras tour I know they’ll find a way to get in

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Me coming home steaming after promising to be quiet when I come in

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

1 year

Serious warning for all southsiders 🚨

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

It’s true it’s true

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

I’m howling at “my heart is aching” your dug got kicked oot Asda no sentenced to death by stoning

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

POV: You’ve just woke up hungover and your mums asking about your night out last night

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Me going home to my English boyfriend after spending the day being anti English

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

No one: A girl who bullied you in high school’s Instagram:

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Visiting Liverpool today ✨ yall really love Harry Potter huh? Everywhere I look I see him! I had no idea he was so big here 😳 expelliarmus 😂💥

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

8 years

Mental what a couple a fairy lights can do, ye could put them on a deed body n id be like omg that's fucking lovely get that on ma Instagram

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

My high school drama teacher came to my show today, the gay equivalent of your da telling you he’s proud of you

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

The police at the rangers fans gathering

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Sorry I know u r all halloweening but I’m truly shaking in my boots at just seeing the northern lights in Iceland and I must share x god bless iPhone 12 Pro lapse cameras x

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

The #COP26 Line Up is Insane 🔥

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Beer Gardens on the 26th

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 years

See when ur at a hotel w loads of other British people, the Scottish/Irish/Welsh people just keep to themselves but there’s always a big group from Leeds or sutn who disturb the harmony with their big foghorn accents “OH IT WUR RIGHT HOT AT BEACH TIDAY, AD TO SIT INT’ SHADE” 😥

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Your dad when it’s over 18 degrees outside

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

Aye right cunts been living in Silverburn

Rap-Up

@RapUp

4 years

Pharrell has listed his Beverly Hills mansion for $17 million

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

What you just said to me just now was really boring Kirstie, I can Jabber with the best of them but this, you wanna get a life

Kirstie Allsopp

@KirstieMAllsopp

2 years

@paulbIack But clearly growing up and not swallowing fake news wasn’t part of the process.

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

Naw guys I’m sorry this is the funniest thing that’s ever happened n will continue to be for the rest of time n I’m going to retire from comedy effective immediately

STV

@WeAreSTV

4 years

🙈 ‘Your dog’s s*****d my cat.’ - It’s never a dull day for Judge Rinder!

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 years

Spice boys really be like Fuck sake 😂 canny even be a homophobe 😆 a bigot 😡 or a transphobe 🤪 without setting PC twitter aff bunch a snowflakes 🧐 Anyway I identify as *goes to ladbible comment section* aye a Boeing 747... naw a MICROWAVE 😂😂😂😂😂😭 5.k RTs 12.2k Likes

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Why do people who don’t smoke menthol have some weird complex like “Haha call that a CIGARETTE?! 🤣That’s no a real fag 🤬I smoke solid TAR wrapped in a crisp packet my throat is made of fucking titanium that’s a weans fag yev got there 😂😂😂”

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

What if we kissed at the ASDA create your own pizza counter 🙈

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Weird how I can simultaneously think I’m the most unattractive person ive ever seen but still get shocked and annoyed when people don’t fancy me. Like the audacity but fair enough but also who do you think you are. I get it but also who are you to not fancy me smh

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

24 days

I can’t take another day of rain in this bastarding miserable country

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

1 year

If my future child tries to start that elf on the shelf shit in my home it’s gonna go 0 to Jacqueline Wilson real quick. I’m not getting involved I’ve got my own life to live

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

Got done a belter today, two school weans ask me for a photo so I said aye no bother went to pose for it and they went “naw can you take a picture of us, no you” Good patter from them my ego shattered into a million pieces though

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

11 months

Not the Lost Mary in hand…he’s at his wits end

Shirley Carter’s Pussy

@shirlpuzz

11 months

Someone give Phillip Schofield an Oscar!

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

Why did I need to drop a jean size in 2 weeks May I ask

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Me getting out the taxi the day the pubs open

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 months

Me when there’s a 45 minute wait for a table in Sugo

ceern.

@NotoriousBAG_

6 months

Good evening

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 months

Now why’s she kinda giving

Film Updates

@FilmUpdates

4 months

Florence Pugh for the Golden Globes.

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

It’s hard to see other people living your dream

BBC Scotland News

@BBCScotlandNews

3 years

Free bus travel for everyone in Scotland aged under 22 will begin on 31 January next year

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Fuck sake Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s legs truly have been murdered on the dance floor

Sophie Ellis-Bextor

@SophieEB

5 years

Thank you @kylieminogue for being so lovely. It’s been a pleasure and your show is 👌🏻 💛💛💛

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 months

Truly in awe of the birthday presents I’ve just received from my Granda

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

A decision was made

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

My maw told me people in work make fun of her for having an iPhone 5 and she asked if she can have my phone when I get a new one 😭😭😭😭😭😭the mother/child role has truly been reversed I’m geeing it “Don’t worry hen they’re just jealous”

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

The hardest pill to swallow in life is that absolutely naecunt cares about your playlists as much as you do

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Cauld meat

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

I simply would not last 5 seconds in the House of Commons if a Tory MP even smirked at me I’d be leaping straight out of my New Balance over that bench in 2 seconds flat

Keir Starmer

@Keir_Starmer

3 years

Their laughter says it all. #PMQs

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Me when the tiktok money comes in

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

6 years

Me when my mum said I could have one blue wkd on New Year’s Eve aged 14

Jin

@54dn3S5

6 years

For once I feel alive. In this moment I feel like I am free. In this moment I am myself, not the pathetic shell of a person I pretend to be. I am actually me. I don’t give a single fuck what anyone says or thinks. I feel free.

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

Me: Hi An 18 year old who just moved into halls at uni:

Jack Whitehall

@jackwhitehall

5 years

Does lime in a Corona count as 1 of your 5 a day?

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

1 year

Say what you want about Cilla Black but she did NOT deserve this

👀

@Ambrose_96

1 year

@_rightfoulgit Me if I was in that lift 💀

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

Me 15 minutes after saying I’m off the fags for good

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

2 years

You’ve got to be sure

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

The concept of getting JUST a meal from McDonalds terrifies me now. Once you cross the line into meal + McFlurry, cheese bites and a cheeseburger chaser there is no going back

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

Really grateful to have the extra time on my hands right now to be creative ❤️

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

5 years

I wonder at what point ill stop thinking in school years to measure age gaps “Aye Lewis Capaldi would have been in the same year as me” “fuck sake Billie Eilish would have only been in second year when I was in sixth”

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

3 years

Barbers need to scrap the first come first served business model. We need a sliding scale of urgency. The spice boy who had a fade 5 days ago can go after me

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Paul Black

@paulbIack

4 years

If I lived in Edinburgh I would simply, move to Glasgow

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Paul Black

@paulbIack