Mary Santora @mary_santora Twitter profile

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Mary Santora

3 years

My dad left when I was 11 and also died from COVID back in January. We think he might’ve contracted it at the grocery store, making it the second time in my life my dad went to get milk and didn’t come back #HappyFathersDay #deaddad

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Today is 2 years of #sobriety for me!! I’ve traded in blackouts, fist fights and crashing cars for recording #1 albums, losing 30lbs and a dream job. This meant so much to my dad, and I’m glad he was able to see me get my shit together. Here’s to the best decision I’ve ever made

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

My dad passed away last night. I became so close to him in the last 7 months working out. It was the first time we spent real, quality time together and I will always be grateful for that. Rest easy, Pobbs. I know someday we will be together again, laughing just like this ❤️

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Meanwhile in the US...

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Excitement level 10000000000 for one year of #sobriety today!!!! Without a doubt in my mind, this was the best decision I’ve ever made. Every single aspect of my life is infinitely better and I’m just one grateful, happy lady. Thank you all for the support. Today is a good day 💕

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Because my dad didn’t get the chance to 💕

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Six. Months. Sober.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

One day at a time ❤️

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

I just signed a contract to record my first comedy album!!! 🤩🎉💕🙌🏼🔥🥳💃🏼💥😁 #CrushingIt

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

5 months alcohol free 🤗✌🏼💃🏼🔥🎉💛

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Achievement unlocked-Goal Weight! HoW’d yOu Do iT??? No booze. 1300-1500 calories per day, weight lifting 3x per week, fasted cardio (usually HIIT) 2x per week, every week for 5 months. Hard work and dedication works, who knew 🤷🏼‍♀️ #CrushingIt #TransformationTuesday #WeightLoss

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Say what you want about Bill Burr and his monologue, but he managed to upset both racists and liberals with facts, and that’s what makes him one of the greatest comedians of all time.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

8 months sober today and feeling better about myself than I ever have 💋✌🏼🔥

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Clevelanders respond to seeing sunshine the same way city folks respond to seeing deer. “Wow! Look at it! Just out in the open like that. Shhh, shhh, shhh....don’t scare it away...”

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

The same guys complaining that removing confederate statues is “erasing history” would be furious if a woman wanted to keep her own last name in marriage.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

OMG YOU GUYS!!!!!!! My album was submitted to @SiriusXMComedy and I just found out that they accepted the ENTIRE thing!!!!! This is so crazy. You hope they take one or two tracks to throw into rotation, but the whole album across three stations?! Just, wow. 🤭🤭🤭 (1/5)

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Therapist: “what do you hope to get out of our time together?” Me: “I just want the confidence of anyone who goes live on Facebook while 3 people watch.”

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

1 year difference. If you want to make a change in your life, you can. Stop being a pussy, quit putting up w/ your own bullshit, and get out of your way. Life’s too short to not feel hot 💁🏼‍♀️🔥full sob story on my IG(marysantoracomedy) #CrushingIt #TransformationTuesday #weightloss

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Hi, real quick, I have done my best not to use the word, “sober” bc I smoke weed. Wed marks 4 months without booze. If you’ve got that big of a problem with me bettering myself while also relaxing with a natural substance that doesn’t ruin my life, go ahead and unfollow. Kthx 🤗

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

No one: Leashed kids at the grocery store:

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Just got the word that my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” is #5 on the @billboardcharts for comedy!!! Hell yeah! Link in bio to grab yours now!!! #crushingit #proud #billboard

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

On the bright side, Dad finally hit his weight loss goal 🤷🏼‍♀️ #darkhumor #darkmemes #coping

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

The last time I waited this long for results, I ended up at Planned Parenthood.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Today is the first day I’ve ever cried in a fitting room from being happy. Down from a size 12 to a size 4 🤭🔥😭

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

It’s a great day to go to the playoffs #browns #cleveland #dawgcheck

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Yo, Tide, you missed a huge opportunity to make this Jason Alexander hoodie commercial to be about shrinkage #SuperBowl

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Walkin into 30 like 👋🏼

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

How poor did I grow up? To me, the epitome of wealth was having a garage fridge just for drinks.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

The outpouring of love my we have received since my dad has been tremendous and so appreciated. I can’t begin to describe it. If you could spare a few dollars to help with expenses, we would appreciate it. If not, a simple RT also helps. Thank you guys ❤️

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Imagine how many people didn’t make it to DC bc their google maps couldn’t find the “capital building”

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Under 130 for the first time in college. Can I get a, “hell fucking yeah?!?” #CrushingIt #ProudAF 🔥💪🏼

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

On our way to cheer on the @Browns in 2013. We tried to make it a tradition to go every year for my birthday, but my birthday is 11/25 and it was always so cold. Either way, I know he’s gonna be watching with me today. HERE WE GO BROWNIES, HERE WE GO! 🤎🏈🧡 #dad #love #browns

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Sobriety day 7-dont miss hangovers one tiny little bit.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

4 months alcohol free! Life is so great without a hangover 🤗

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Some of you are whining like the CLEVELAND BROWNS aren’t 4-2. Be happy for once! Sheesh.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

🔥💕5️⃣0️⃣0️⃣💕🔥 #CrushingIt #Sober #Happy

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, and I’ve done commercials endorsing health foods. Love you, Pobbs ❤️

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

10 motherfuckin months 🙅🏼‍♀️🥃

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS BEAT THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS IN THE PLAYOFFS I AM SCREAMING 😭🔥

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

60 days 🙅🏼‍♀️🍺

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

The Cleveland Pierogis. We shoot sour cream and applesauce out of the t-shirt guns.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Ive been rejected from 6 comedy festivals this year. In September alone, I’m set to headline 8 one nighters, feature two clubs, and play a theater in Chicago. No ones path is the same and literally nothing in comedy makes sense. Just work hard and focus on the good shit 🤷🏼‍♀️✌🏼

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Today has been a real whirlwind of emotions already. I accidentally ate moldy cheese and then found out my album is #1 on Amazon during presale. What a day.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

90 days 🙅🏼‍♀️🍺

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Had a text drafted out to send to a guy, went to copy it and send it to my sisters first to see if it made me sound crazy, accidentally sent it to him instead. I admitted to stalking both his and his ex’s instagrams in said text. He has not responded. #ForeverAlone

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

I’m 6 months sober and really getting into hot yoga, which means a thigh tattoo is next.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Just a quick shout out to the city of Cleveland for showing up in bigger numbers to my headlining set last Thursday at @Hilarities than to greet Trump today. Y’all are the real MVPs ❤️🙌🏼

WKYC 3News

@wkyc

4 years

Air Force One has arrived at Burke Lakefront Airport as @realDonaldTrump prepares to visit Northeast Ohio

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

#SoberStPatricksDay 8:04pm-at home, in bed. No public crying, no picking fights with strangers, not out hundreds of dollars. Just a fun day filled with good friends and people watching. I could get used to this 🤗

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I PAID OFF MY CAR TODAY!!!!!!!! Not only will I save thousands of dollars in interest, but this will put an extra $360 in my pocket every single month, and I have all of YOU to thank for it!!!! (1/3)

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Having a parent die has got to be the fastest way to figure out which of your friends can’t cook.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

11 months 🙅🏼‍♀️🥃

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Woke up to the news that my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” hit #1 on both the iTunes and Amazon comedy charts ANNNND is sitting at #24 on the OVERALL iTunes Charts for all genres!!!!! Thank you so much to everyone who’s already purchased it and if you haven’t, get on it! Wow 🥰

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Today marks 7 months sober. I’m celebrating by performing at one of the best clubs in the country with one of the best comics. Come check out @thatchaddaniels and I at Denver @ComedyWorks this weekend. Life. Is. Great 🤗❤️

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Presale for my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” starts next week! Working on this over the past few weeks has been very comforting and there’s a special track in there where dad makes a cameo and I couldn’t be more excited for you guys to hear it. Mark your calendars for 1/27!🔥🤗

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

6 years

Crazy honored to be chosen to represent Ohio in Thrillist’s “50/50: The Best Undiscovered Comedian From Every State.” Give it a read and retweet. These comics are next level great 🤩❤️✌🏼 #CrushingIt #TrappingWoodchucks #LifeIsGood

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Chances he fakes his own death but gets caught on some dumb shit like using his credit card at McDonalds?

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

So happy to be back in #progressivefield for the @Indians #homeopener with @alancoxshow and @billsquire !!! GO TRIBE!!!! ❤️⚾️💙

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

New screen saver for all #browns fans

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

TEAM SNOW BABIES ARE THE WINNERS!!!!!!!!! #CrushingIt #ACSPolarBlast2020 #Undefeated

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

What do Matt Gaetz and McDonald’s have in common??

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

What an amazing season. Proud to be a #browns fan 🧡🤎🏈

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

If you’re feeling sad and lonely this year I just want you all to know that after being a widow for twelve years, my 66yr old aunt got engaged this Christmas and you didn’t lol fuckin loser.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Today marks 8 years in comedy. I fucking love my life and am constantly amazed that it’s real. Thank you to everyone who has ever come to a show, shared a post, covered a bar shift, bought a poster, listened to the radio, or just offered some love along the way 🥰🔥❤️ #CrushingIt

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

best. Surprise. EVER!!!! @erikalaurenluvs 😍😍😍

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

2 years

Double whammy today. First birthday and thanksgiving without you. I miss you so much Pobbs. Gonna stuff my face and picture you and your fast ass fork right next to me before napping on the couch and making it “all about mar” when it’s time for cake. I love you. Here’s to 32 💕

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

The amount of support and love you guys have shown me over the last 2 days has been truly overwhelming. I wanted to say I appreciate and love you all more than you know. I’m excited to start this next chapter of my life and truly love myself for the first time ever. Thank you ❤️

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Happy Valentine’s Day to my first love 💕 I can’t believe it’s already been a month that you’ve been gone. Miss ya everyday Pobbs. #love #dad #missyou

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Do not take criticism from someone that you would not ask for advice.

madimoiselle ♡

@drivingmemadi

3 years

if everyone drops one thing they learned in therapy we can all gain insight from this thread

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

“You’ll see it as soon as my tax return is finished.” You’ll meet my girlfriend as soon as she gets back from summer camp in Canada

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

I’m finally getting to see my boyfriend tonight after two weeks of quarantine and God was like, “oh shit, isn’t it your birthday?! I almost forgot your gift! There ya go! Have fun tonight!” Anyway, I’m 31 and not pregnant.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Anyone who puts, “not looking for drama” in their dating profile is 100% going to cause drama.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

2 years

Broadcasting live with @alancoxshow from San Diego!! Tune in at 2p EST for 🏝c a l i m a r🏝

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

I’ve been kinda down lately and realized it’s bc I haven’t been consistently working out in like 2 months. It’s amazing what just 20min on the treadmill can do. Treat your body right and quit being a lazy piece of shit. You’ll feel better, I promise.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

The day has come!!!! Click the link to preorder my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” !!! Liking and RT will make all the difference in the world, so he’ll spread the word! Thank you guysssss 💕💕💕

Mary Santora - Hillbilly Boujee

Choose your preferred music service

orcd.co

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

my boyfriend told me he fell in love with me when we went canoeing over the summer and my ultimate dream of becoming a country song has FINALLY come true.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

****BIG ANNOUNCEMENT**** I will be recording my very first comedy album with @HeliumPresents at @Hilarities on 12/6!! It means so much to do this at my home club in my city, so join let’s make it one for the books!!! (Cont w/thread for safety/more info)

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Shoutout to @HaloTopCreamery for sending me some of their dairy free flavors! Thanks for being dedicated to making my life infinitely better. Congratulations, you’re my boyfriend now 😍🍦💛 #CrushingIt #HellYes #Bae

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Hello fall 😍🔥🤎 #fallhair #brunette #obsessed

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

Hey, #cleveland , remember when we beat the Steelers in the playoffs in Pittsburgh?! What a day. Happy #VictoryMonday 🤎🏈🧡

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

The fact that Pence has ever had sex absolutely blows my mind.

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

1 year

Me- “I finally got an IUD” My bf-

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

As of last night, I’ve performed in 25 states. Halfway there! Pretty cool #CrushingIt

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Ready to start the above ground chapter of my life ✌🏼🔥🤸🏽‍♀️ #CrushingIt #TrappingWoodchucks #Handstand

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

I’m at the age where physically perfect 24yr olds aren’t doing much for me, but I really wanna have a convo with the 33yr old who looks like he’s cried in public. #GrowingUp

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

5 years

Sobriety day 17-I should probably get a thigh tattoo

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Listen to me live on the @alancoxshow on @1007wmms M-F from 2-6:30pm 🔥📻💕 #CrushingIt #WMMS #Cleveland

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Ya girl got her @Invisalign on today!!!! I can’t begin to describe the overwhelming joy that I’m feeling right now!! Ive been waiting for this my entire life! Call Dr. Rich Flores at 440-975-5774 and set up your FREE consultation today! Tell him Mary sent ya 😁 #ad #happy #smile

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

4 years

Trump-“Ohio had the best year it’s ever had last year.” Ohioans-

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Mary Santora

@mary_santora

3 years

WE DID IT!!!!! Both shows for my album recording are sold out and I can’t begin to describe what this means to me! Thank you all so so much! It’s going to be an amazing night 🥰😭🔥 #CrushingIt #Cleveland #ThankYou @Hilarities