Mark Nelson @marknelsoncomic Twitter profile

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Mark Nelson

2 months

🚨GLASGOW🚨 This’ll be the biggest gig of my career. Over 1000 tickets have gone already. If you have seen me on podcasts like @Haveawordpod @somelaughpod @hwgreenroompod then come along. Any shares from comic pals hugely appreciated. Last few tickets at link in comments

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Last Seen Profiles

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

Can’t wait to be told to wear a poppy by someone who refuses to wear a face mask.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Charles and Camilla not wearing seatbelts in the carriage. Lovely wee tribute to Diana there.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

9 months

Kevin Spacey currently limping away from court before breaking into a stride.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

Why’s he wearing boxing gloves?

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Dear British media. Probably best not to describe anything Prince Andrew does as “touching”

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

8 months

He looks like every character in Only Fools And Horses

Pop Crave

@PopCrave

8 months

Matty Healy in newly shared photo.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Great to see the Met taking time out from sexually assaulting women and racism to do this

Abbey Heffer

@AbbeyHeffer

1 year

This is not arresting violent protesters. This is silencing a protest before it even began.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Johnson just praised Thatcher for giving them a head start on the climate crisis by closing so many coal mines. Like praising Harold Shipman for reducing GP waiting times.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

7 years

Piers Morgan is essentially just Katie Hopkins with a smaller cock.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 month

No sympathy for Jesus. Imagine going to something called The Last Supper and not realising the game was up.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

If only they had given us some kind of clue that they were cunts

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

If anyone is ever wondering why we don’t support England in tournaments, here’s the reason.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

“Yeah the only team we couldn’t beat were Scotland. Hell of a team. Grant Hanley, beast”

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

6 months

“Why do the Scots, Welsh and Irish not support England at tournaments?” No idea mate.

Balls.ie

@ballsdotie

6 months

Talksport: 'And what's the reason that you're so committed to Ireland?' Evan Ferguson: 'Because I'm Irish' Never not at it.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Never expected the only time I will appear on nationwide tv to be this but I’ll take it.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Never been a guy who is such a genius at something and given less of a fuck

Balls.ie

@ballsdotie

2 years

It's 25 years to the day since Ronnie O'Sullivan produced the most scintillating five minutes of snooker the world has ever seen 🤤

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

6 months

“Why the long face?” “Video of me shagging an Irish lad has been leaked”

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Anyone know what movie they are filming today in Glasgow? Seems to be a historic, jaunty musical about hatred.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

7 months

Largely because his wife isn’t a major shareholder in drug consumption rooms

STV News

@STVNews

7 months

BREAKING: Prime Minister Rishi Sunak says a planned drug consumption room in Glasgow won’t work and runs the risk of condoning illegal drug use.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

“Yeah the only team we couldn’t score against were Scotland. Hell of a team. Grant Hanley, best defender in Europe”

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

If there is one group that I always thought should be taken down a peg or two it was women silently lighting candles.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

5 months

Dr Who also has two hearts and time travels in a flying phone box you stupid cunt

Oli London

@OliLondonTV

5 months

Isaac Newton played by Indian actor in new Doctor Who, despite the English physicist being Caucasian with pale skin. The new Doctor Who series has also introduced ‘preferred pronouns’ for characters as well as the Doctors female sidekick being played by a transgender actor.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Glasgow going down to Level 2 after Scottish Government received new scientific data from UEFA

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

You won Wales. Enjoy the Grand Slam, I hope it makes you happy. Dear Lord what a sad little life Wales.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

10 months

Might as well finish off the trip with meeting the greatest Scottish sportsman of all time

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Can’t wait for that crying German girl to grow up and come back like Shossana in Inglorious Basterds and setting fire to a packed Wetherspoons

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

Glasgow is a welcoming city. It welcomes everyone. Except you, you bloated, rouge faced shitstain.

Nigel Farage

@Nigel_Farage

4 years

Horrible tragedy in a Glasgow Hotel housing illegal immigrants. All over the UK, hotels are filling up with young men who are coming across the Channel every day. It is a massive risk to our wellbeing — yet the government does nothing.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

✨

@thankvis

5 years

name a badder bitch than kylie jenner.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

8 months

I feel a bit sick being part of the comedy industry tonight. There are lots of others that need to be exposed as well & I hope they are. However I am very proud to call Daniel Sloss my friend. I thought paying for me to go to Vegas would be the soundest thing he did this year.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

9 months

Greenwood being wormed back in at United. Saudi Arabia playing two internationals at St James Park. UEFA drawing up plans to integrate Saudi teams into Champions League. Absolute state of football. So sad.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Still, could’ve been worse. Remember Corbyn once didn’t wear the correct tie to a Remembrance Service the evil bastard.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

Some Might Satay

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@sspencerukk

11 months

An Indonesian oasis tribute band this has blown my head clean off🤣

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

If you ever share one photo make it this one of Piers Morgan sharing a drink with convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

6 months

Me on night 1 of a stag do

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

25 days

OJ’s funeral procession should be the California Highway Patrol chasing his hearse.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

King Charles III Rangers FC 🤝 Always receiving dodgy pens

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Good news for the England team that none of them got near Billy Gilmour on Friday night.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Ridiculous of @ScottishFA to ask for a minute’s silence for The Queen before the game on Wed. Period of mourning has passed. This is purely performative. It’s just asking for trouble. Our national anthem is about sending a King homewards for Christ’s sake. Totally tone deaf.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

10 months

Fascinating flight home with @Ryanair . After my wife said she wasn’t paying for a can of juice that was served warm, the stewardess said that her “Commander In Chief” had given 10 minutes to decide to pay or she’d be arrested at Prestwick 😂 What an airline

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

10 months

I see the person they are coming for now is @RomeshRanga . Romesh is a good pal, an incredibly decent man and a phenomenal comic. Using a heavily edited clip as part of your wee culture war is pathetic.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

7 months

Incredible to think Harambe is up there, about to climb the Sycamore Gap tree.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

The Far Right protecting Churchill’s statue whilst doing Nazi salutes is peak 2020

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

No a huge fan of the “check out how paunchy and old Matt LeBlanc has got” chat. Lad’s 53 and enjoying himself. Fuck were you expecting?

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

Blink 182 taking no prisoners with track 3 and 4 at the gig that submarine billionaire’s son attended.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 months

“And with this one we didn’t even need to wreck a Mercedes son”

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Blast from the past is how you describe B*Witched reforming. Not the fucking Third Reich.

The National

@ScotNational

1 year

NEW: THE organiser of a Scottish coronation event has apologised after a Nazi flag on display caused offence. The man, 82, said he didn't mean to offend anyone with the 'blast from the past' display.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Still can’t believe they aired this. @haveigotnews

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Bet he’ll be driving home as well

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

You enjoy yourself son. Get absolutely wrecked. Coupla pills as well. Forget about that game you have on Saturday.

Mail Sport

@MailSport

11 months

Erling Haaland is getting stuck in! 🕺🏆

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Who was Adolf Hitler? The downfall of the boy who just wanted to paint.

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

2 years

Who is Ghislaine Maxwell? The downfall of a favourite daughter

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Course they have. The infamous Argentina rollerblading firm.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

Slam Tent. T in The Park. 2001

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

To be fair, rape alarms are like kryptonite to Met Police officers

Metropolitan Police

@metpoliceuk

1 year

We received intelligence that indicated people were planning to use rape alarms to disrupt the Coronation procession - with concern from the military that this would scare their horses and cause significant risk to the safety of the public and their riders. Read our full…

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

I love Glastonbury weekend on social media. Last night slagging off the biggest British band of the past 20 years. Tonight ripping a band that made one of the best rock albums of all time. Just enjoy yourselves ya wanks.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

I mean there’s worse ways to go.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

8 years

"Islands in the stream, that is what we are"

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Well done Rashid Sanook

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Incredible to think Saudi Arabia are about to invest as much money into Newcastle United as they did into 9/11

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Incredible to think that 5.1 billion people watched the funeral. Especially as only 5.4 billion own a TV. And that most countries are in a completely different time zone. And it wasn’t a day off in any other country so most would be working British exceptionalism at its finest

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Stacey Solomon will be portrayed as the thick one despite the fact she is the only one talking any sense.

Le Gateau Chocolat

@LeGateauChoc

2 years

“I just don’t get it…” - Stacey Solomon. ☕️ #Jubilee #JubileeWeekend

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Good chat in the football WhatsApp about terms that wankers have introduced to the game that can fuck off. Pivot and XG the main ones. What else?

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

I wouldn’t take health advice from Ian Brown or Noel Gallagher in the same way I wouldn’t go and see Chris Whitty and Patrick Vallance do two nights at Knebworth

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

Next week, Matt Hancock plans to announce which area of England is to go into lockdown at 2am, via the medium of dance on TikTok.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Probably best the lad who lied about Hillsborough victims doesn’t weigh in with his opinions on morals in the media.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

8 months

Another reason why Sean Lock was the best

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

This stapler is me every single morning when I wake up just now

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

Since Johnson loves a football analogy. The Leadsom amendment is like a player punching another one in front of the referee. Then rather than being sent off, the referee is asked to leave the pitch.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 months

Lewis Ferguson has to start these next two friendlies. Captain of a Serie A team sitting 4th. I get loyalty but you can’t ignore that kind of form and talent.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 months

So, pretty big news. The BBC have given me a TV special to be broadcast later in the year. My own TV special. I’m as surprised as you are. Gonna be taping it on Mon 4th March at the Theatre Royal in my home town of Dumfries. Tickets are free from the link in the comments

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Old Corden is just the gift that keeps giving. Here he is blatantly stealing material and not even having the common sense to change the words. Tit

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

I am absolutely staggered that this man has been unable to negotiate a hugely complex trade agreement.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

7 months

The Spanish FA President interfered with a player more than Jack Hendry did.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

Incredible that Piers Morgan has interviewed Donald Trump, Alex Jones and Christiano Ronaldo and has still managed to be the biggest wanker in the room each time.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

The year is 2025. The British public have resorted to cremating their own relatives as it is the only way to heat their homes. The only songs left on Spotify are Ladbaby/Ed Sheeran collaborations. Latest polls show CON +12. Raith Rogers have just signed R Kelly.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

Get your Tory name by putting “that cunt” in front of your own name.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Tragedy

H from Steps

@Ianhwatkins

2 years

I will never forget that Boris broke the rules and partied… when my Grandad died alone in hospital #BorisJohnson

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

Scotland there with a new low. A humiliating victory.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 months

I couldn’t breathe for laughing the first time I heard Sean tell this joke

Sean McLoughlin

@SeanMcLoughlin

3 months

Wait for the end. I'm in trouble. Still amazed they put this one on TV.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

9 months

Incredible to think we are only 7 days away from an English comedian claiming they can’t find fruit or vegetables in Scotland, to much hilarity.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

The advantage of COP26 being in Glasgow is that world leaders get an immediate glimpse at what an apocalyptic world would look like.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

There is so much that is shite about Twitter. Ice T being pals with Boycie is one of the great things.

ICE T

@FINALLEVEL

3 years

I just heard John passed away.. He somehow became a Twitter friend.. I’m very sad. Although I never met him in person.. Internet friends can become close.. RIP

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 years

First ever Scotland game. Don’t think either of us will ever forget today. #noscotlandnoparty

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

4 years

With both Aberdeen and Celtic players breaking Covid rules, the question is how will the SPFL decide to punish Hearts for it.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

8 months

What a sad cunt

Russell Brand

@rustyrockets

8 months

This is happening

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

As an anti vaxxer Novak Djokovic should respect a foreign body being denied entry.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

11 months

Some thoughts from last night : Billy Gilmour was immense. McTominay is having the time of his life in a Scotland jersey. Andy Robertson could motivate even me. The fans are incredible. That singalong to Why Does It Always Rain On Me. Georgia were at it.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

3 months

Gregg Wallace when his son asks to play on his birthday

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

My favourite part of the Fringe is when English acts tweet about the fact they can’t find a vegetable in Scotland. Ahahahahahahahahahaha Honestly guys, it is class.

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

1 year

What’s the deal with the wee lad in the blue trousers behind the flag?

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Looking forward to reading this article for the first time again later

Eric Alper 🎧

@ThatEricAlper

2 years

Uh-oh

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Mark Nelson

@marknelsoncomic

2 years

Nothing pisses me off more than every scandal having “gate” attached to it. Partygate,Beergate,every other fucking gate. It was called the Watergate Scandal because that was the name of the building. They didn’t add gate By your rules it would’ve been WatergateGate. Arseholes

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