Kurt Metzger @kurtmetzger Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@SacBIRMINGHAM

@valkyfernal

@iNOTORIOUS

@AdiJoseph

@omgitsharveyj

@tristan7fnr

@pib_comm

@pico_staff_H

@smb_tradebot

@AnthonyDmax

@Amandarinegroot

@SoonSaudi

@loperwrestling

@marei_de_pon

@riadaht

@Regnjun

@aliciakeyschile

@lunatricxxx

@koudai_unmask

@SSEntOff

@GenNext_tech

@cann

@SacBIRMINGHAM

@KirkSeriousFace

@laurentKarila

@JeyTeInforma

@al_mustizz

@ManCityWomen

@nadine_feiler

@mett_real

@mordekoiso

@mokumo71

@is_camerongreen

@Alex_Chubbyy

@BeastXPink

@huudrich

Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

4 years

Not saying Netflix’s Cuties is child porn. I’m just saying it couldn’t hurt to start tracking customers whose accounts indicate repeat viewings in 7 to 10 minute bursts.

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 years

I like how this Azov guy respectfully covered up his Nazi tattoo to receive a medal from John Stewart at Disney Land. Kinda like when Disney covers up black actors on their movie posters for the Chinese market. Think globally, act locally!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 years

Watching old episodes of 30 Rock. Wow, u could NEVER make that show today! Mostly bc Alec Baldwin shot someone.

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

6 months

Hey Gen Z 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇺🇦! Start doin push-ups 🏋🏽 NOW!! Cuz President Grandpa 👴🏻and Miss Lindsey Graham 💅 are finna draft your sweet, non-binary asses🧁into WW3!! No🧢

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

My God, we look like two brothers whose hookah shop was just destroyed in a tragic outbreak of violence in Gaza!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

I’m sorry, but this is too funny not to immediately put on blast! Also, am I mistaken that this club is in Seattle’s historic “CHAZ” district? (Kurt looks up toward heaven.) THANK U GEORGE FLOYD! For the fun Im about to have with this on Twitter after I take a quick shit! BRB!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

4 years

Quick question, are we de-instating the concept of due process for Chris D’elia that we literally just re-instated for Joe Biden after previously de-instating it for all men? Please, someone, I just wanna be on the right side of history!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

4 years

If you don’t vote for Joe Biden you are harming the most vulnerable members of society! Rich coastal liberals who just wanna to feel normal again!

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@kurtmetzger

7 months

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

1 year

The wolf represents my balls.

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@kurtmetzger

3 months

Hey remember how we thought “the terrorists hate us for our freedom,” but then it turned out it’s mostly just our own leaders and the gals from The View who hate us for that?

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

5 months

Every Thanksgiving I wonder the same thing: “What’s Oprah been up to all these years?” For you zoomers too young to remember Oprah, she was kinda like Mr. Beast if he was also a human trafficker.

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 years

Man, if I had a sweet electric vehicle, I’d be cruisin down the highway right now! Jan 6 hearings blasting through the speakers, Ukrainian flags on the hood, flapping in the breeze! Only stopping to recharge, and report any anti-Biden, gas pump stickers to Homeland Security…

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

7 months

Hey remember when it was big news we had to be afraid of North Korea getting nukes? Then they DID get nukes? Then my memory goes blank. Then my very next memory is we were all fighting about if women have cocks.

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 years

Joy Behar just called for a sex strike?! I wonder who the lucky guy is!

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@kurtmetzger

5 months

Anyone read this? I assume “Justice” is the name of a horse?

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

OK, instead of PUNCHING DOWN at the owner of the Seattle Autonomous Comedy Zone, w/cruel mockery, for hours online, 60% of it about how she fuckin spells “Jes” with one “s,” I’m hiring two amazing consultants to demasculinize th4 conflict w/Transnormative Storyshaping!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

6 months

Hey, y’know what would probably solve this horrific situation in Israel before it turns into WW3? If an uninformed coalition of dumb whore actors signed a tepid open letter written by a dipshit agent’s personal assistant! Has anyone tried that yet?

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 months

Call me a maverick, but I say this Lorenz v. LibsOfTikTok clip just showed us the BEST comic reality duo since Paris and Nicole! It’s Yentl meets Mental! When a young Jewish princess “locks horns” with an uptight older Satanist, who INSISTS on wearing a yarmulke….ON HER FACE!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

6 months

Got real stoned with Roseanne and did this podcast.

Roseanne Barr

@therealroseanne

6 months

My new favorite person on the planet @kurtmetzger rocked it on my podcast! Go listen now if you want to see the mind blowing guy riff. It’s like reading Kerouac describing jazz while being on meth.

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

Just saw doc about Woodstock ‘99 disaster! Funny, I’d have thought the rioting was caused by three days of price gouging bottled water in 100 degree heat til people were forced to drink their own shit! But nope, turns out it was toxic masculinity!

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@kurtmetzger

7 months

Sad thought: If a great couple like Will and Jada can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of closeted gay men married to closeted lesbians, raising a family of closeted Scientologists?

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@kurtmetzger

6 months

My God! We look like two hostages in a deep Gaza tunnel, wondering why our gov couldn’t cease firing long enough just to secure our release!! “Can’t they just kill everyone AFTER we’re freed? I don’t get it!” Says my brother Ari. “I don’t get it either, pal…” I reply, w/a hug.

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 years

In Milwaukee and just saw the craziest shit I’ve seen in years!! An overpass with NO ONE even living under it! I had to take a pic bc no one back in LA will believe me!!!

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

Um…guys? I’m getting SUPER worried about the future of the collapsing pyramid scheme privileged mid-wits think is democracyyyyyyyyy!

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke, standing up for their principles! “Sure, we’ll take a paycheck from FOX Network, but when it crosses the line into FOX News? That’s when it’s time to STAND UP, briefly walk off stage, then return after the commercial break!” Said the two heroes.

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

I know how everybody likes to dump on U2’s Bono, just because he’s annoying and his last album was literally iPhone AIDS, But let’s not forget Edge is piece of shit too.

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@kurtmetzger

1 month

My God, can’t a 40 year old teacher have an affair with a 15 year old student, then marry him, then they end up ruling France, without people making up CRAZY shit?

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@kurtmetzger

7 months

There’s only one move left for Zelensky now. Tell America he’s pregnant and it’s definitely ours.

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

GREAT NEWS Y’ALL!!!!

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

FACT CHECK!!!!! No, Nancy Pelosi did not accidentally refer to Kwanzaa as “Schwanzaa!” Schwanzaa is a real and perfectly legitimate holiday invented by Paul Pelosi. Sometimes called “The festival of the lubed hammers.” Educate yourself!

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@kurtmetzger

9 years

Cosby issues public statement that he's "far from finished"??? Jesus dude, be more specific!!!! That's terrifying!

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@kurtmetzger

1 month

What’s funnier, this or hanging a medal on a Nazi at Disney World, or being a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen (aka the Bono of America)?!

Jon Stewart benefited by 829% 'overvalue' of his NYC home even as he...

Jon Stewart is facing online backlash after saying Donald Trump's case overvaluing his properties was "not victimless," and sleuths found his own records.

nypost.com

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

BREAKING NEWS: We’ve shot down the Chinese spy balloon. The January 6th of 9/11’s is finally over. We got him.

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

This article made me laugh out loud. Im serious treat yourself.

Why It’s Time to Believe Amber Heard

The British courts believed Johnny Depp beat his ex-wife. What’s stopping the rest of us?

www.vogue.com

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

My God, first the Chinese use Tik Tok to weaponize the queerness of our own children against us, then they come at us with balloons?! Wait, is this just a surprise party am I reading this wrong?

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@kurtmetzger

7 months

Great news! We get to go back to war in the Middle East! Oh man I envy u kids! What an opportunity! I can’t think of a generation better equipped physically or mentally to deal with this shit either! I feel a big win coming!

Mario Nawfal

@MarioNawfal

7 months

🚨BREAKING: U.S Ain Al-Asad air base in Iraq has been hit with drones and missiles. Explosions were heard inside the base. This follows threats made by Iran-backed groups in Iraq against U.S forces, signaling the war is slowly spreading beyond the borders of Israel and Gaza.

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

Was Putin’s invasion of Ukraine UNEQUIVOCALLY wrong? Of course! Did it cure COVID? Kinda.

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

3 years

No, corporations don’t pay zero in taxes. That’s silly. Most of them pay NEGATIVE millions in taxes. Zero would be like a commie tax hike, God forbid! They need that extra cash for important social projects to enrich our lives! Like mass surveillance and making Superman queer.

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@kurtmetzger

3 years

Is it true they changed Superman’s motto to “Truth, Justice, and there is no such thing as Taiwan, just one China”?

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@kurtmetzger

5 months

On the off chance these solid and not at all bullshit legal cases don’t hold up, and Trump wins again, can they get that fat chick with the glasses and knit cap who looks like Patton Oswalt to do a reunion scream? That would be fun! “NOOOOOOOOOOOO….AGAIN!”

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@kurtmetzger

3 months

Say what u will about Chase Bank, u gotta admit they did a great job rebranding the swastika!

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

Me and ⁦ @Shanemgillis ⁩ just got vaccinated for monkey pox! The HARD way!

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@kurtmetzger

3 months

Aw man Navalny died?? I was gonna vote for him!! (We can vote in Russian elections, right? That’s why the media keeps bringing it up like I give shit?)

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@kurtmetzger

5 months

This is the best Biden speech I’ve ever heard. PLEASE GOD DO NOT LET HIM STEP DOWN! Can u imagine the hilarious shit he’ll be saying 3 years into a second term?!

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@kurtmetzger

10 months

Remember to ALWAYS believe women!!! Unless they saw a ufo, claim a vaccine injured their child, or it helps Trump! Also, if they don’t have a dick, believe women with dicks FIRST! Then, if there’s time, believe the shittier dickless ones! It’s not complicated! DO BETTER!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

4 years

Did u know America is currently at war in 7 countries? I sure didn’t! I’ve been too caught up in the bombshell “Ellen DeGeneres isn’t actually nice” revelations that just rocked my fucking world!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

Hey remember when we thought BLM was a real thing, but then almost all the money went to one fat bitch, maybe also Hamas? OK yes, a new black stripe WAS placed on the gay flag, but if I’m being honest? Li’l bit underwhelmed with the overall results, y’all!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

Humiliation ritual for John Cena?! WTF are u talking about?! Look at him!! It was probably his idea! If anyone’s being humiliated here, it’s Jimmy Kimmel!

Isaac’s Army

@ReturnOfKappy

2 months

John Cena going through an intense illuminati Humiliation Ritual right now at the Oscar's.... This is next level stuff they have put Cena through lateley.... Was the fame and fortune worth it John..? #WeWantAnswers #Oscars2024     #Oscars

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

Unlike Tucker Carlson, I commend the makers of M&M for their many diversities and inclusions! Such as their commitment to using child slave labor of color.

Mars, Nestlé and Hershey to face child slavery lawsuit in US

Chocolate companies are among the defendants named in a lawsuit brought by former child workers in Ivory Coast

www.theguardian.com

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

7 months

U know who probably feels extra like no one gives a shit about them? EAST Palestinians….in Ohio! Remember them? ME NEITHER!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 years

Hey how come in the new Amazon Lord of Rings prequel, the elves and dwarves are racially diverse, but then in the Peter Jackson movies that take place much later, they’re all white? Did Middle Earth experience some kind of fantasy race holocaust btwn those two stories?

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

3 months

@SethMacFarlane @billmckibben Dude I know it’s tough being the last hwite male allowed to make edgy no no jokes on a major network, but wouldn’t it be less embarrassing to just come out of the closet? Offset ur problematic pale male status that way?

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 months

Me reacting to first time viewing of new army recruitment ad! (Note- If my in-clip response comes off AT ALL inappropriate, please understand, it’s ONLY bc I was raised in Yemen!!)

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 months

BREAKING: An anonymous watchdog group has just uncovered SHOCKING new footage of what SOME experts are calling Sourpuss-gate! More as this scandal develops!!!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

6 months

LIFE HACK: Tired of being tracked and monitored everywhere u go by both government and private industry? Try renouncing your citizenship then reentering your country of origin illegally! Then kick back and enjoy the privacy!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

3 years

How soft of a millennial queef do u have to be for Elon Musk to be your Andrew Dice Clay?

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 months

Dear @elonmusk , everyone keeps deadnaming “X” as “Twitter!” How bout we just split the diff and call it “Farter?” Imagine the joy of seeing media try to report “dangerous” Farts! Or Fart monetization! Or a Govt hearing on Fart censorship! Idea’s all yours, just pls ReFart me!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

Holy shit!!! Look how much hotter Victoria Nuland was before she ate all those babies!!!!!

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@kurtmetzger

7 months

Question: I know this recent tragedy in Israel means we can now openly admit Ukraine was a fucking embarrassing failure, but do black lives still matter if they stood with Hamas? Asking for a friend. (Sean Penn)

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@kurtmetzger

5 months

Cut the shit and just give it to me straight! Is Zelensky gonna be at the Grammys next year, yes or no?

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

Oh shit I just met Chris Pine!!

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

I’m just saying a Joy Behar sex strike is an odd threat. Im always DRESSING her with my eyes! I imagine she’s in a suit of armor under a full space suit.

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@kurtmetzger

8 months

My new comedy special “30 Minutes with Kurt Metzger” will be coming out this Tuesday, 4PM EST on YouTube. If I look bloated in it, it’s bc I was on my period. #GaSDigital #30MinutesWith

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

This is the kind of problem typically faced by the kind of person who subscribes to The Atlantic.

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@kurtmetzger

3 years

I don’t get why a bunch of people are accusing Hasan Piker of not living up to his shirt. It says “Make The Rich Pay…” 3 million dollars for a house in the hills. You didn’t read the back of the shirt.

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@kurtmetzger

1 month

Hey assholes! Stop calling America a “banana republic!” We’re not even a Gap. We’d have to make massive improvements just to be a TJ Max.

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@kurtmetzger

3 years

Did u know the RobinHood app is named after the famous outlaw, Robin Hood? Who stole from the rich, then restricted certain transactions in light of recent volatility!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

3 months

U know what could really help update Jon Stewart’s return to the Daily Show for modern audiences? An old Ukrainian Nazi sidekick! Call me a maverick, but I bet Jon Stewart and Yaroslav could become this generation’s Howard Stern and Robin!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

2 months

How come no one’s talking about Jon Stewart’s BLISTERING takedown of Chicago style deep dish pizza?! Oh man I would hate to be a Chicago pizza right now!! Jon Stewart doesn’t give a FUCK!

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@kurtmetzger

3 months

Based on this guy’s look, what would u guess his job is? Child catcher? Bank manager from a Harry Potter book? High Wizard of AIDS magic? Nope. He’s judge.

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

Hey u think after Jon Stewart got done putting a medal around the neck of that Nazi guy at Disney World, he took him aside afterwards and educated him about white privilege? Bc that way some good came of this.

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

Hey cool, I just found an old picture of Steven Colbert being formally initiated into his job as an establishment shill!

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

Just saw Glass Onion. Daniel Craig is good as Foghorn Leghorn but other than that it’s pretty stupid.

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

@AndyKindler @jimmy_dore What, did I thrice promise to codify roe v wade “day one” of my administration and then not do it or something?

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@kurtmetzger

2 years

If Kyle Rittenhouse were black, they’d have locked him up for life for killing those two white people! I was just talking to my friend OJ about it on the golf course today!

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@kurtmetzger

5 months

U can’t see it now, but the frosting was a full map of Ukraine!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

It’s kinda fun to still see people wearing COVID masks! Like I accidentally wandered into a renaissance fair wearing normal clothes! One min you’re running some bullshit errand in the real world, the next you’re flung BACK IN TIME…to a world of pure imagination!

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@kurtmetzger

7 years

Start fucking treating people who don't agree with u like human beings instead of arguing from authority like u do now, progressives.

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@kurtmetzger

7 months

I still don’t get how Mossad let this horrific terror attack happen. It’s like Jeffery Epstein died for NOTHING!!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

U mean to tell me if some maniac violently attacks me in the street, I don’t have a right to defend myself? By slowly starving 3 generations of their family to death, while openly bragging about it on all major news networks + Tik Tok?

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7 months

OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED! Now that Ukraine lost and we don’t give a shit bc something more important came up, Russia is gonna rebuild the Soviet Union for sure now!!!! Aw man!!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

Goddamn right “there was one big elephant in the room!” WHY WAS THAT REDHEAD IN THE BACK NOT GIVING IT UP ENOUGH FOR MY BOY KILLIN IT?!

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

1 year

Woke is not a “mind virus.” Woke is social corn syrup. Heavily subsidized, overproduced, then pumped into every consumer product until your kids turn fat and stupid.

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@kurtmetzger

3 months

BREAKING NEWS: Kristen Stewart ENRAGES right wingers by refusing to wash her pussy!!

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@kurtmetzger

1 month

Hahahaha

Ben Bankas

@BenBankas

1 month

Mayor of Toronto Olivia Chow speaks on new controversial rain tax ☔️.

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1 year

Great time playing ⁦ @creekandcave ⁩ in Austin this weekend and getting to hang w celebrity rabbi ⁦ @michaelmalice ⁩!

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@kurtmetzger

1 year

Isn’t it exciting to think how your two choices in 2024 are definitely gonna be Trump and Biden again? Thank God we didn’t lose our precious democracy that dark day in Jan!

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2 months

Hey, why did the active-duty, American serviceman, light himself on fire and scream “Free Palestine?” BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT UKRAINE!!! STOP TRYING TO MAKE UKRAINE HAPPEN!!! IT’S THE HANNAH GADSBY OF FOREIGN ENTANGLEMENT!!!

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@kurtmetzger

3 years

Just wanna congratulate my friend ⁦ @jimmy_dore ⁩ on being awarded a Smeary from The Daily Beast. They don’t just give these out to anyone! A team of fermented human/shit hybrids has to spend literally minutes thinking up lies about each nominee!

These ‘Dirtbag Left’ Stars Are Flirting With the Far Right

Their podcasts and shows are full of Boogaloos, “deep state” conspiracies, and even “great replacement” talking points. Which side is this, again?

www.thedailybeast.com

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

Is it in Jon Stewart’s contract that if he makes 2 or more genuinely funny jokes, he must atone for his crime with either: 4-5 sub-Trevor Noah level, dumbshit hot-takes, OR A trip to Disney World to hang a medal on a Ukrainian cabbage Nazi?

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9 months

Honestly, if u really did get fat-shamed by Lizzo, don’t u think u might be too fat? Like if it’s gotten to the point Lizzo has to say something?

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Kurt Metzger

@kurtmetzger

8 months

My new comedy special “30 Minutes with Kurt Metzger” will be coming out this Tuesday, 4PM EST on YouTube. I can’t wait for your mom to see it!!! #GaSDigital #30MinutesWith

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

BREAKING NEWS ALERT THAT JUST MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE: Resurfaced photo appears to prove that mysterious “Freckle-Puss” implicated in Saturday’s screw-face attack on breakout SNL star, Shayne Gilbus, DOES, in fact, know how to smile when important men are talking!

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

Victoria Nuland Fun Facts: Did u know Victoria Nuland baked a big batch of cookies for the 2014 Maidan Coup in Ukraine…..then ate them ALL herself?!

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@kurtmetzger

8 months

My new comedy special “30 Minutes with Kurt Metzger” is coming out this Today, 4PM EST on YouTube. Link in bio to subscribe! GaSDigital #30MinutesWith

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@kurtmetzger

2 months

I’m old enough to remember when America was called “The GREAT Satan” by millions of people all over the world who we kept blowing up! Wtf are we now? “The fat and gross Sam Smith in a queer devil outfit brought to you by Pfizer, Satan?” When are we gonna make Satan great again?!

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