Johnny LaZebnik @jlazebnik Twitter profile

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

things i've learned in 2023

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Last Seen Profiles

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

attention: due to fear of getting coronavirus, i will not be having a boyfriend at this time. that is the only reason! please do not believe rumors that “no one is interested” or “i make it very difficult to love me”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

justin gets a lot of hate but you know what? it’s hard raising twins while living in a hotel. we need to cut him more slack

Indie 505

@Indie5051

5 months

Justin Bieber y Hailey Bieber

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

6 years

congrats to tiffany trump, who just received her first ever text from her dad!

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

can’t stop thinking about how timothée chalamet and natalia dyer have the same face

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

one of the craziest parts of hollywood is learning that most celebrity’s email addresses are like, cateblanchett @ gmail . com

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

i have a pitch for @Wikipedia : instead of asking for $3 every time i open the site, you should host a yearly celebrity-filled gala. tickets should cost enough to keep the site going and each year's theme should be a wikipedia page generated at random

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 months

not to be like “i wrote this” but i wrote this

奎奎奎奎楏

@quix5gg

4 months

im peeing myself so hard everytime i see this

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

gworl with a pworl earring

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

if 👏 your 👏 adaptation 👏 of 👏 A 👏 Christmas 👏 Carol👏 doesn’t 👏 include 👏 rizzo 👏 the 👏 rat 👏 it’s 👏 not 👏 intersectional 👏

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

was just trying to pinpoint what i'm looking for in my next relationship and then realized that this is the only way i can describe it

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

i cannot emphasize enough that the prompt here was “tell us what you typically eat in a day”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

gal gadot waking up this morning

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

sometimes goodwill really comes through. this is four feet tall

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

seeing the doctor today

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

missionary: were you raised on the Good Book? me: yes absolutely

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

everyone say “thank you paul” for flooding the TL with 30 rock quotes and making this hell site wonderful for a day

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

i want to see bella hadid try to figure out what to wear for this

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

my condoms on my nightstand watching as i once again have bareback sex

Naomi Campbell

@NaomiCampbell

4 years

Safety first.

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

needed to tell myself some things

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

growing up is pivoting from being sad that you weren’t hot in high school to being grateful that you weren’t hot in high school

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

me when people try to talk to me about real housewives or selling sunset

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

really enjoying the two camps of responses to this: “they should remake the corpse bride with them” and “THIS IS WHY I’M BISEXUAL”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

me: email from a mediocre restaurant i went to one time in 2014:

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

my room is finally coming together 🥰

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

1 year

haven’t seen this one mentioned yet but i really do bring it up all the time

cowboy postbop (Dan Lehner)

@danlehnermusic

1 year

What's a tweet that's so canonical in your mind you make shorthand reference to it, even if people might not know what you're talking about? (I sometimes just say "uh oh y'all it's gettin' kinda hazy" expecting people to get it)

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

holy shit you guys

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

this marks elizabeth banks' second time working with a cocaine-fueled bear

Screen Queens

@screenqueenz

3 years

Elizabeth Banks to direct bear-centric thriller COCAINE BEAR for Universal. The film is based on true events from 1985; a 175-pound bear accidentally consumed over 70 ponds of cocaine that was dropped it from a plane by a smuggler. The exact details of the film are under wraps.

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

1 year

ok fine this week it has been an issue

Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

confession: i don’t know the difference between robert deniro and al pacino and i don’t feel like it’s impacted my life negatively in the slightest

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

some of my favorite potential themes i’ve stumbled upon… wikipedia please message me, we can make this happen. the people need it

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

yes, this does apply to me. if you’d like to get in contact, my email address is johnnylazebnik @ tamisha_iman_productions . com

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

cleaning out my drafts

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

6 years

@miz_cracker and @BlairStClair on @RuPaulsDragRace last night vs. Women Walking on the Beach by Joaquin Sorolla

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

why do they call them “CATS fans” and not “evanjellicles”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 months

when an "anon dump" account messages me on grindr

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

"No no, Amelia Bedelia!" cried Mrs. Rogers. "That's not at ALL what I meant by 'fuck the police!'"

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

oh you’re an actor? here’s an acting challenge: act like someone enjoyable to spend time with

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 months

there are Frog and Toads everywhere for those with the eyes to see

Keara Sullivan

@superkeara

3 months

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are the real life version of Frog and Toad

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

joe biden waking up to his mentions today

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

6 years

OUT: power bottoms IN:

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

1 year

real-life MILF Island was one thing but the “life imitating 30 rock” phenomenon is truly getting ridiculous

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

remember when we thought he was going to die of covid

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

oh my god every single song on this album is a breakup song

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

i am once again in a hadestown phase

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

i can finally come out of the closet as a d’ohmosexual. watch a very gay episode of @TheSimpsons on november 21, written by me and my dad 😭😭😭

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

fox news when pete buttigieg walks onto the debate stage

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

my female friends dressing up to go clubbing (2015) // my female friends dressing up to go clubbing (2020)

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

who’s ready to get wasted and watch breakneck-speed gilmore girls

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

the cast of spring awakening: the earth will wave with corn... the grey-fly choir will mourn... 9th grade me: fuck this show just GETS me. i am weeping. and i definitely know what that means

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

8 months

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

put a finger down if you’ve ever impulse-bought a 1970s mcdonald’s uniform, then went to go take photos at the oldest surviving mcdonald’s

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

#TheSimpsons

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

happy birthday to my mom, the world’s #1 lgbt ally

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

a lot of people are asking what my plan for this is. when you see a 4 ft lizzie mcguire poster for $9 there is no “plan,” there is only “i must”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

i can't believe lorde wrote pure heroine when she was 17. my mind at 17 was just a loop of darren criss singing teenage dream in an ill-fitting blazer

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

i don’t have a joke to make about this, it just fully melted my heart and i think it’s important to see men being physically intimate on television ok bye!!

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

there is nothing more difficult than trying to find out if a photographer who followed you on instagram is cute

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

i am begging you all to simply watch 30 rock

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

forgot to mention that i got a weighted blanket for christmas and my little brother pointed at me and said “haha! lonely”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

the last time i had a boyfriend, ariana grande was dating ricky. RICKY

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

i'm a dom top - *clears throat* sorry, a DUMB top

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

thank god for google translate! so helpful

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

say what you will about LA, but i've never had to attend a friend's 54 below concert

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

this is the closest we’ve gotten to a Burns acknowledgement of Smithers’ homosexuality since this iconic moment

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

1 year

accidentally took the best photo of myself i’ve ever taken… wearing these insane antlers. cool

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

can’t stop thinking about @hereisbosco ’s runway this week. she looked so good

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

I think it will take me my whole life to accept that this is real. @TheSimpsons

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

i don't have anything to promote but i'm cute and don't have corona (yet) so boys....... hmu

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

7 months

i was pretty proud of this virgin mary costume until a twink asked me if i was lana del rey

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

6 years

whoops

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

hey guys! it's 10 days until my episode of The Simpsons premieres, and i know some of you have been asking "why should i watch it?" i've put together this little infographic - hope it helps! 💕

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

and i will tell her, girlfriend

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

someone: why are you eating a luna bar? aren’t those for women? me:

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

me when a guy prematurely ejaculates

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

had to hop on this trend and show the tik tok girlies who’s boss

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

Smithers now canonically has a puppy!!!!!! @TheSimpsons

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

i’m back! and boy do i have some good tweets ready for you all

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

SPENCER was gorgeous. An absolute triumph of cinema.

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

what the fuck........

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

rejoining twitter because i think i can finally reveal that i wrote an episode of this!?!?! writing jokes for the babies was such a surreal experience and i'm so excited for you all to see this show 🥺😳😍

Paramount+

@paramountplus

3 years

#ParamountPlus is bringing back your favorite babies: The Rugrats. The new series features the original voice cast with an updated animation style.

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

The New York Times

@nytimes

2 years

Book lovers, vote for the best book of the past 125 years.

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 months

@MaryanaIskander my DMs are open

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

if he doesn't realize when you break the fourth wall...

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

POV: you DMed me but never post pictures of yourself so i’m searching through your “media” section to see if you’re hot

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

3 years

i would pay a trillion dollars for my car to not autoplay “aaron burr, sir” every time it starts up

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

1 year

POV: i’ve just sent you a very chill text saying we can “play it by ear”

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

patrick

@redford

4 years

What is a piece of writing, on the internet (i.e. not a book), that you return to or at least consider foundational?

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

so my dad went into the emmy's photobooth with his colleagues, and then i went in with their wives. attached is the most important work of art i've created to-date

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

i didn’t buy this tea pot at a thrift store and i fear i shall regret it until i die

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

4 years

me explaining to my therapist why i'm back on twitter the day before the election

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

every irish play (with @sheridan_pierce )

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

explaining my actions in chart form

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

5 years

hear me out: i am an exact combination of their faces

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Johnny LaZebnik

@jlazebnik

2 years

the last few years, i’ve been more interested in new year’s reflections than resolutions. and since i’ve now been single in los angeles for 6 years (🥴), i decided to write down some of my thoughts on dating