𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 @im_all_id Twitter profile

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 day

I am of an age where I get so tired I feel scared

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

Congratulations on working 40 hours! You are now free to dissociate for 2 days

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

At a job it takes me 2 or 3 years to become curious about what the company does

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

11 months

People who don't use contractions scare the shit out of me. "I will be there" okay with what a machete

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

11 months

A club where you sit in silence and untangle necklaces

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

Today I was at Trader Joe's and Piano Man was playing and the checkout guy said "this is the worst song in the history of music" which was refreshing because I don't think the checkout people at TJs are allowed to say things like that. I appreciated his secret rebellion.

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

Ahh the little spark of life whenever a meeting is canceled

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

I can tell how emotionally available a guy is by how badly I want to date them

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10K

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

I have plans tonight (spend an hour finding something to watch, pause at the opening credits, scroll for 3 hrs)

17

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

Can't tell if I'm becoming more poetic or if this is early onset dementia

7

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

9pm: I'm going to have a piece of cheese 10pm: I'm going to eat cheese until I'm ill

12

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

Signs of aging may include irrational anger at someone parked in front of your house

222

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

Can't believe I was once in the best shape of my life but I didn't know so I didn't get to say it

16

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

9 months

I've said it before and I'll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

15

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4K

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

15 days

Your email found me eating ice cream with a fork

10

483

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

How can I trick my brain into thinking I am smoking a drunk cig when I am on an elliptical

10

295

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

I'll go to a doctor in a dark alley if they offer online scheduling

8

263

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

I can't get into anything I have a meeting in 3 hours

5

286

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

Every girl has a special lil voice she uses to imitate stupid guys

65

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

Depression in midlife is like "what if I took a nap on the floor"

19

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

119

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

idk what i keep looking for in my phone but it is ~NOT THERE~

6

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

11

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

if anyone needs me i'll be over here repeating unhealthy patterns i was sure i'd outgrown

14

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

I blow an air horn every time I get a meeting cancellation

5

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

Google maps needs a route option called "See the most cows"

56

440

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

34

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

Good morning to everyone except drivers who have the right of way and hold up traffic to INSIST that you go

54

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

Weird how "empaths" have no idea that they're annoying the shit out of everyone

78

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

"I just tell it like it is" - Asshole whom nobody likes

37

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

idk if i can chips-n-salsa my way to happiness but i'm sure gonna try

43

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

I am unable to imagine my friends being serious at work. I just picture them asking if anyone wants to do a shot

5

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

United is now charging extra to know where you're going and what time your flight is

64

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

I'm sorry I was so weird the other night that's how I am every night

40

438

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

Just blew an ant off a table I feel like a Greek god

15

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

I wish Google maps would be like "sick" when I make an illegal turn to save a minute

18

264

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

9 years

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

26

434

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I'm hunting deer with my car

11

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

Google Maps is unparalleled in its ability to ruin the best part of a song

16

155

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

Sometimes in work emails I include a lil "I hate you" or "you're a dick" in white text

51

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

11 months

I need to remain at a pay grade where I am free to dissociate half of the day

12

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

5 months

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

9

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885

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

Ohh to be pursued as passionately as a CVS trying to make you pick up a prescription

5

100

871

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

Being an adult is amazing. I just ate a Twix bar for breakfast

44

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

<bangs scepter> MORE WHIMSY

11

258

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

17 days

Jon Secada and Cake back to back? This Kohl's is fuckin lit

23

130

855

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

5 months

Important Disclosure About Your Retirement Plan: u will need to work until ur dead lmao

14

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

When he said that, I think I must have looked a little amused and he was like "no?" I was like, "It's just a big statement. There are a lot of really bad songs. I think it might be something by Maroon 5" and he said " fair"

26

8

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

28 days

Drinking coffee until I become worrisome

5

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786

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

I'm not alone. I have ants.

15

138

749

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

22 days

The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing you I might watch that show someday

8

200

776

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

5 months

Seated in the exit row and gotta be honest not lovin everyone's chances in the event of an emergency

4

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you're not in trouble

23

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704

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

Elon absolutely living in a thesaurus rn trying to find a replacement for 'Likes'

35

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

Answering all my doctor's questions with a "that's a great question"

8

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599

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

The feminine urge to tongue kiss everyone who makes me laugh

13

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573

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

9 months

*takes a long drag* You need separate playlists for sad [romantic] and sad [existential]

9

171

556

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

boss: i wish there were two of you me: [thinking if there were two of me, one of us would definitely not be at fucking work] aw thanks

14

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

11 months

The trick is to make your tweets so ridiculous that HR would be too mortified to bring them up

8

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514

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

7 years

ugh the end of the world is taking literally forever

9

237

449

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

8 months

Actually I do leave the dryer on when I go out. I don't wanna be here if the house explodes

7

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460

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

29 days

Vape shop 101: you must look like a casino, but also like you are closed at all times

3

53

457

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

How many chapsticks can you eat in a week

13

89

437

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

Radisson is a beautiful name for a girl

147

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435

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

Honestly minimum security prison doesn't seem like the worst retirement plan

21

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

Blush is so embarrassing. "I look so alive!" Gross

11

82

430

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

11 months

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

13

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

Mentally I'm at a tiny table in a tex mex restaurant dreading the arrival of the fajitas

21

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

9 months

I'm like one bad day away from ordering one of those mini dollhouse kits

11

122

410

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

7 months

Google maps really underestimates my willingness to break the law

10

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399

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 years

*holds seashell to ear* "We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"

8

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380

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

Yeah baby I still got it* *unresolved trauma

3

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375

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

An oil diffuser is not enough. I need to be in a eucalyptus tree eating the leaves.

13

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

It's not imposter syndrome if you're a moron

7

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

11 months

Maybe you ring a little bell each time you free one

3

7

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

I die a little more every time I hear someone say "excetera"

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

I planned to be much prettier by the time masks were over

17

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

Did not expect to spend my sexual prime shaving pilly sweaters

6

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you'd panic

83

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

Thinking about sending a sausage through the tube at the bank

14

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𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

At this point, I would consider marrying anyone who would wall mount a television for me

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329

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

8 months

For halloween I will go to the beach dressed as a french fry and let the seagulls destroy me

8

107

334

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 year

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

16

88

330

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

8 years

my liver is my favorite inside joke

3

189

308

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

What essential oil will make me believe I'm on vacation when I'm at work

95

91

311

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

1 month

The most NJ thing about my childhood was having to run the mile for the "presidential fitness test," and our gym teacher driving alongside us in his red Trans Am with the t-tops out, blasting hair metal and screaming at us to run faster

35

38

314

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

Every week it takes me until like Thursday at 2pm to remember how to work

5

70

308

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 months

I'm sorry your baby looks like an accountant

14

85

284

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

Be kind. Every adult you meet is fighting a battle with moisture you know nothing about.

12

82

289

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

7 months

Closing all your browser tabs at once feels like a lil lobotomy

5

103

287

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

5 months

The trouble started when we stopped saying "smooth move ex-lax!"

9

69

285

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 months

A note to men, When you're pushing 40, you can stop trying to seem mysterious to women. You're getting old, and it's just silly.

44

31

270

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 years

Ever check your mail and decide to wait until there's better mail before bringing it in

13

101

259

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

2 years

@ScooterMcNut @mikeswife4444 Oh no it's like asking me how many kids I have

3

0

258

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

4 months

Was told my funeral plans are too "performative"

16

93

248

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

3 months

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that's how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

16

61

247

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

10 months

It always starts out "you're so funny" and ends with "oh dear... oh my god... wtf"

8

94

242

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

7 months

When did buying toothpaste become a significant financial decision

10

69

240

𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲

@im_all_id

6 years

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

4

115

225