Gabriel Oguda @gabrieloguda Twitter profile

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

This is the President of Uganda.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

4 months

This is your weekly reminder that Uhuru Kenyatta constructed these affordable housing units without the Housing Levy.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Someone find Salasya and give him my Malaria vaccine.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

@mkainerugaba The only thing Ugandans can capture from Nairobi is the fake certificate they gave our Governor.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Kenyans no longer fear hot porridge and electricity.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

7 months

If you had a case in court, who are you hiring? Like for Brian Mwenda. Retweet for Samson Cherargei.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

"Uhuru Kenyatta is sponsoring international delegates not to sit next to me."

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 month

Should we tell him that the doctors he's threatening have genuine degrees, or we keep quiet?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Vasco Da Nganya, 1st Count of Sugoi, was a Kenyan pathological liar who was the first African to reach Kamariny Stadium by Sea in 1906.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Since the President of the Republic of Kenya is always out of the country, Citizens of the Republic of Kenya have decided to help him relocate his office to the county's main International Airport to help him change his clothes on the runway and leave again. This is patriotism.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

NEWS JUST IN: Massive celebrations in Kenya Kwanza strongholds as the Gov't increases fuel prices from KES 156 per litre to KES 179 per litre. Hustlers who've been interviewed say they thank God for increasing the cost of living and bringing Freedom At Last.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 months

First Lady Margaret Kenyatta. Elegant. Graceful. Stylish. Dignified. Finesse. Swanky. Neat. Charming. Polished. Urbane. Intelligent. Classy. Cultured. Honourable.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

"Uhuru Kenyatta is sponsoring children in the diaspora not to greet me."

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

Musalia Mudavadi - Hired to fill 30% Luhya quota in Cabinet. Been Minister since 29. Experts are torn between Lethargy and Joyriding as his middle name. Kithure Kindiki - Given a soft landing after failing to secure Deputy President slot. International Lawyer with zero…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

13 days

Bwana si hapa doctors wamekuja sana?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

12 days

Bwana, I've just bumped on @KhalifKairo hapa Nairobi village. Nilipata wamemtoa shoe laces nikaongea na hao majamaa wamwache on my bill. Jamaa wa nguvu sana huyu, he will also go to heaven straight.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

You're Now Leaving The Republic of Peace.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Bwana, someone find Janet Muthoni-Ouko, and give her my Malaria vaccine.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Even Mashirima Kapombe is tired of massaging the donkey down the slope. Qatambe sana.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

7 months

GEN. LLOYD JAMES AUSTIN III - A graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Commanding General of 10th Mountain Division and Combined Joint Task Force 180, during the War in Afghanistan. First African American to serve as a U.S. Army division commander in…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

4 months

Ruto went back to his former primary school today, and sat inside one of his old classrooms that looks like a chicken urinal. Ruto has been MP since 1997, Minister for 10 yrs, Deputy President 10yrs, President 1.5yrs. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the Lord of Poverty now?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Reggae in the bathroom Reggae in the bedroom Reggae everywhere Reggae in jail Reggae in church Everybody likes it

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

Baba ameingia Mama Lucy Hospital kuona wagonjwa watu wote wameamka kwa kitanda kwenda kupiga picha na yeye. Raila Lucozade Odinga.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 months

Nimefika Kolenyo sasa. Baba alisema niwasalimie huko nje, na mkue na usiku poa.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Uhuru Kenyatta has just appeared in Mombasa having fun on the streets, while those who voted to punish him are having heartburn at work. This life no balance.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 year

Referee runs to the VAR booth, says no foul, and waves play on.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Tanzania might be bad at football, but their Minister for Foreign Affairs would never allow their flag to be hoisted upside down, as if their country is dead. Incompetent by birth.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Ruto caught feelings that the DRC President invited Uhuru Kenyatta to the inauguration ceremony in Kinshasa today, so he denied Uhuru the jet to travel to DRC, not knowing Uhuru has no problem travelling even in a Tuktuk. Management By Threats and Intimidation (MABATI)

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Have you guys read the John Githongo affidavit at the Supreme Court? He says the Form 34As were first sent to the UDA tallying centre, where a team downloaded the forms, edited the results, and then were given access to upload them to the IEBC portal. Bwana what country is this?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

8 months

Baba amesema niwasalimie hapo nje.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 months

Pastor Ezekiel refused to join other fair-weather pastors in the fake fall down, so Benny Hinn had to ensure he gets down by force by fire. Tears in my eyes.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

BREAKING NEWS: Former TV personality Jacque Maribe found not guilty of the offence of the murder of Monica Kimani, clearing the way for President William Ruto to appoint her for a Gov't position of his choice.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

They now want to vote for Ruto in 2027 to punish Gabriel Oguda and his Kolenyo guava seedlings which have been receiving adequate El Nino rainfall lately. Mungu wetu mwenye nguvu, Ebenezer, Baba wamileleee.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

11 months

Nairobi Senator Edwin Sifuna beating Kakamega Senator Boni Khalwale with facts. Khalwale had no choice but to nod his head like Dr. Dre.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

8 days

The guy who said Raila hated him because he's Meru can't help himself at the Ulinzi Sports Complex.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Bwana. Kuna jamaa wa kanisa alinidanganya jana ati I delete all my tweets because the world was ending yesterday and there's no social media in heaven. I've just woken up and I can't see if anything has changed. Bwana where am I?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

4 months

@WilliamsRuto Here is the image you wanted to use. You can thank me later.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

8 months

Moses Kuria dared Sam Gituku to call any supermarket in this country to confirm the price of cooking oil, only for Gituku to take him on the challenge and send a reporter to a supermarket LIVE on TV. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Republic of Violence.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

DEVELOPING NEWS: Julius Malema landed in Kenya on the same day President Ruto is issuing a State of the Nation Address and didn't waste time stepping on the poor guy's windpipe. We will be there no matter what.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Tumepigwa ni kama sisi ndio tulikataa kwenda kanisa Homabay.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Boni Khalwale is bereaved, so Citizen TV asked Farah Maalim and Danston Mungatana if they could tag-team against Edwin Sifuna today on the Breakfast Show. Sifuna chewed Mungatana even before the cutlery arrived before grabbing Maalim by the neck and mopping the floor with him.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

If you see Cabinet Secretaries running helter-skelter this week taking grainy photos with Elsa Majimbo in New York and Didier Drogba in Ivory Coast in under 24 hours, THE STAR today reports that Ruto has called for an extraordinary Cabinet Meeting on February 18th and a Cabinet…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Ahmednasir can't be allowed to represent Ruto at the Supreme Court because the last time he appeared there he totally embarrassed himself with his English rounded off to the nearest Somali language. Afadhali Murkomen knows his abilities so he doesn't even put his hands up.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

Bwana, what's wrong with you people?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Murkomen alienda JKIA akasema ni Uhuru Kenyatta amefanya JKIA ikuwe na leakage. That marks the end of my viewing tonight. Let us bow down for a word of prayer.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

Mama Margaret Kenyatta. Class.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

The church should now let Raila Odinga be. You said you had a candidate in this elections, and he's won. Asking Raila Odinga to help you check the Govt is like...never mind. You said this Govt is a Godly Govt, when did Raila Odinga become God to help you run it? Mnatuchosha bana.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

78 year-old fashion mogul showing your favourite God chosen liar how not to look like a Kolenyo Locust in a Kaunda Suit.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

You escape death from a gas explosion that occurred due to Gov't incompetence, only to end up in a Gov't hospital that has no drugs to keep you alive. Whatever you do in this country, try not to be poor.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

The Office of the Trans Nzoia Governor has issued a clarification to all media houses, that there is only one Natembeya and he isn't the President of the Republic of Kenya.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

The t-shirts are already out. Kenyans remain undefeated.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 months

This afternoon, we met Baba @RailaOdinga at his Capitol Hill Office. We're with Honourable @Inna_Hengari , Member of Parliament, Republic of Namibia.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

This is the word of the Lord.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

YOU'RE NOW ENTERING THE REPUBLIC OF VIOLENCE.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

Young people dropping bars. DJ run it from the top.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

The fear is gone, and the clouds are gathering.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

BREAKING NEWS The Hustler Gov't wishes to notify all hustlers who lost their National ID Cards to kindly organize a search party to look for Ksh2,000 before they submit their application for a replacement. Subsequently, the Hustler Gov't has resolved that freshly minted…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 year

Kimani Ichungwa threatening to walk out on live TV, only for Waihiga Mwaura to remind him that he's the one who begged to come for the show. Referee runs to the VAR booth, says no foul, and waves play on.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

4 months

The fear is gone, and the clouds are gathering.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

WE FOUND NO ELECTRICITY IN THE NATIONAL COFFERS, AND OTHER SHORT STORIES.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

7 months

BREAKING NEWS: Moses Kuria has been asked to go help Aisha Jumwa read speeches in Sudoku. Musalia Mudavadi is now both the Prime Cabinet Secretary and Foreign Affairs Minister. Someone wants to escalate Gachagua's blood pressure and we will be there no matter what.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

NEWS JUST IN: UDA Parliamentary Group calls for a crisis meeting to discuss whom to send to debate Edwin Sifuna next Thursday, after Farah Maalim and Danson Mungatana were left without an ego, after being used to mop the studio floors this morning.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

KITHURE KINDIKI ON SUNDAY: "There will be no protests on Wednesday. Mark my words, they will know who I am." KITHURE KINDIKI ON MONDAY: "It will be business as usual on Wednesday. Anyone intending to go to the streets on Wednesday will know who I am." KITHURE KINDIKI ON…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

11 months

If you earn Ksh50,000 per month and you live in a one-bedroomed house in Eastlands, the SUNDAY STANDARD has calculated how your life will be after the Finance Bill 2023 is passed. Tears in my eyes.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 year

Daktari, @WilliamsRuto . If you see Kenyans from all walks of life agreeing with Andrew Kibe on anything, just know the wind has blown and the anoderm of the chicken is exposed.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Kisumu is my home county. Tuko sawa huku.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

12 days

Someone find Larry Madowo and give him my Malaria vaccine.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

11 days

"I want to remind the President, that the money that pays doctors is not his money. We support doctors, and we want our taxes to be used to pay doctors." - Nairobi Senator, Edwin Sifuna.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

10 months

Dereva nishukishe hapa. Hapa ndio stage yangu.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

@kipmurkomen @SakajaJohnson Tell him to unblock me first. I can help him finish his Actuarial Science degree, aache kutumia ile alipata kwa kiosk Uganda.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

Currently happening in Parliament. SPEAKER WETANGULA: "What's the point of order, Kimani Ichungwah." KIMANI ICHUNGWA: "Mr. Speaker, I know the Leader of Minority Opiyo Wandayi is a newly crowned lawyer, while I only went to Alliance." SPEAKER WETANGULA: "Point of correction,…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

17 days

NEWS JUST IN: There will be no need for Royal Media Services cleaning company to come to work tomorrow, after John-Allan Namu mopped the Citizen TV floors with Agriculture CS Mithika Linturi, rinsed him with cold water, and hang him up to dry. We thank God for the rains.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

10 months

In Kisumu, protestors are asking the police why they're running away yet they just want to greet them in Jesus' name.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

Tears in my eyes.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Mong'ina is now leaving the Republic of Peace.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

There's a parent on Citizen TV who has asked the Ministry of Education to show them which eCitizen button to press for those parents paying school fees using firewood. Children of dynasty may think this is funny, until they meet those who actually paid fees using bags of maize.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 months

They hated Uhuru because of Raila. Let's see if they will start hating Ruto because of Raila. Tears in my eyes.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

Bwana, someone give the K24 social media editor my Malaria vaccine for doing the Lord's work.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Nikiweka Bibilia Chini Hivi, And Other Short Stories.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Even those who were here making noise how they were going to reform the strategy team around Raila Odinga, have suddenly abandoned their self-appointed missions and are already pledging allegiance to President William Ruto. Don't joke with the stomach. Poverty is the enemy.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

12 days

Here is the video of Yvonne Okwara doing the Lord's work on Citizen TV last night. Bwana si Arsenal wakipelekwa na hii speed leo jioni itabidi wakatae kutoka kwa tunnel for the second half? It's kicking and going everywhere.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

5 months

The greeting these days at village functions in Kolenyo is. Ruto Riambo Seche tee Seche tee? Ruto riambo, Kendo mano e kite nyaka chieng' TRANSLATION Ruto lies All the time. And all the time? Ruto lies, And that's his nature wow wow.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 year

Raila Odinga spotted hawking roasted maize in Bondo.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 year

NTV decided to step in and do the Lord's work, since the clergy left their jobs to go to State House for their monthly stipend.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Bwana, I swear all Kenyans are going to hell.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 days

20 Jan 2024 - Former President Uhuru Kenyatta arriving at N'Djili International Airport in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo, aboard Uganda Airlines.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

4 months

Sudan has recalled its Ambassador from Nairobi. DR Congo sent home KDF soldiers in North Kivu. Uganda has taken us to court in Arusha. Rwanda still fuming from Murkomen calling them an autocracy, and now Nigeria has blacklisted degrees from Kenya. Ruto thought wearing a Kaunda…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Have you guys read the DCI report? Bwana Chebukati gave 19 foreigners administrative rights to the IEBC systems, as you people were voting, those Venezuelans were somewhere in a remote place massaging your votes before sending them to the IEBC portal. Bwana what country is this?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Kenyans have decided they will fear only God and Midusa. Qatambe sana.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

That marks the end of today's reading. Let's now rise up to sing Hymn Number 69.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

If you know you're a Kenyan living abroad and you have a child who was not born in Kenya, you will be required to pay Ksh1.2 million (One Point Two Million) to register that child for a permanent residence permit. Wangapi wanasema tuanze hapa bottom tukienda up?

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Ndindi Nyoro was angling for the Trade docket. Until Moses Kuria reminded him that we're African and Africa is our business.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

3 months

The fear is gone, and the clouds are gathering.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

The guy they sent to Bondo is looking sharper than a KCPE pencil, and can tie his shoe laces from an angle only reserved for Giriama acrobats. Bwana who knows where I can find those shoes Baba is wearing, I'm ready to sell my guava farm and wait for judgement day.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

9 months

BREAKING NEWS: President William Ruto locks out Interior CS Kithure Kindiki and Trade CS Moses Kuria from State House Nairobi, after the two arrived late for a meeting. It's not yet clear whether Kindiki threatened to send the police to flush out State House occupants and…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

1 year

Bwana, why didn't you guys inform me that Kenyans On Twitter have given Zakayo a new name. They're now calling him 'Mandonga Mtu Taxing'. Hii ni ngumi mpya inaitwa Sugoi, Unataka unaTAXiwa, Hutaki unaTAXiwa Bwana, you guys will kill me with creativity.

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

4 months

OKIYA OMTATAH ABSOLUTE BANGERS. "The only medicine for tyrants and strongmen is to fight them back. They must be resisted by all means." "I take this opportunity to state categorically that I have not bribed any judge, neither am I contemplating doing so. I don’t even know how…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

NI WEWE TUU, BWANA. NI WEWE TUU. 🎶

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

6 months

Sunday Papers are saying Anne Njeri Njoroge imported the 100,000 tonnes of oil, through the port of Jeddah in Saudi Arabia, with the help of her business partner in Turkey. She did not have an import permit because oil coming into Kenya must pass through the G-to-G arrangement…

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Gabriel Oguda

@gabrieloguda

2 years

Wafula Chebukati's wife made it to the PS shortlist. She must be the Mama Mboga they said they'll reward when they form Government. Let's now rise up and sing hymn number 699.

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