Fesshole 🧻 @fesshole Twitter profile

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Fesshole 🧻

17 days

👖Fesshole sponsored by @hebtroco . Buy British-made jeans, shirts & hats 👖 * Add your confession * FESSHOLE LIVE: DUBLIN NEXT. Also Brighton, Durham & Northampton. * Buy NEW book: …

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Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

1 year

My husband went on a boys weekend to Prague, he hid a big box of condoms in his luggage so I broke the seal and l replaced them with a note explaining the locks would be changed when he got home and I am keeping the dog.

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1 year

My six year old daughter had a My Little Pony game on her tablet. I used to login every night to do meaningless tasks so she'd have coins to spend the next day. She passed away last year and I still log on every night and I can't tell anyone as it probably sounds so stupid.

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1 year

An old guy at my golf club had cancer and used to joke that he wants a hole in one before he dies. Par 3 on our course is a blind shot, I waited and ran onto the green, put his ball into the hole and ran off. He's passed now but that night was the happiest of ever seen him.

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1 year

My wife doesn't know but, I drop the answer to Wordle into casual conversation each morning. I like to think this subliminally helps her in the very competitive daily Wordle competition she has with her work colleagues. She's now winning.

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2 years

My neighbours are too low income to afford a wifi connection, and too proud to use mine. So I renamed mine Free Council Wifi and told them I had read about it and what the password was. My neighbour is now halfway through an online college qualification and I'm so proud of her.

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12 days

My boyfriends been cheating, so I joined a dating site found it on there and been catfishing him. He's due to meet the other me in a bar in 10 mins blissfully unaware I'm there with a suitcase of his clothes whilst my dad's changing our locks.

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1 year

While fighting, one of my children broke a window and 20 years later they still haven't confessed who did it. They don't know I have video from a security camera and I'm planning to reveal it in the perpetrator's wedding.

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1 year

Found the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with on Facebook. Turned out she still lived at home with her mum. Joined her mum's bookclub. Just so that I could be there when the girl came home with my ex.

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1 year

In my late 20s I was seeing 7 different guys, they each had their own night. It all ended when I had to see Iron Man 3 five times in a week

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2 years

My wife & I started an email account for our baby so we could send updates & give him the password when 18. He was stillborn. I still send emails to him without my wife knowing because it's the only way I can cope when everyone asks if my wife is OK but they never ask me.

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1 year

My wife is 68 and riddled with dementia. She doesn't know who our kids are anymore, she doesn't know who her sisters are, she barely knows who I am. But of course, OF COURSE she still remembers that affair I had in 1994. And no, she still won't let it go.

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1 year

When I got married my mother told me to save for an exit fund should the marriage fail; I have now been married 49 years. The "exit" fund now stands at £315k. My husband has no idea.

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1 year

Bought a PS5 but it lives at my grandmas house. The mrs has no idea. She thinks I go to care for my grandma everyday, but I actually go and play the PS5 for hours. Grandma is healthy and sometimes plays too. She's promised to take it to her grave.

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8 months

Wife pressured me into marriage counselling and thinks I hate it. But paying £100 quid a week for a stranger to validate what I've been saying for years, that her emotional outbursts are 90% of the problem, is the best time and money I've ever spent.

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1 year

My dad put my mums phone in her coffin with her for her burial. About 3 months later I thought it would be funny to change her number on his phone to mine & I text him saying "get me out of this fucking box!". He didn't see the funny side and didn't speak to me for almost a year.

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1 year

My wife died unexpectedly at 33 years old. I miss her so much. I bought a single electric blanket for her side of our bed so that it feels like she's still there when I'm sleeping.

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1 year

I work for Tesco. Our food bank donation bin is in a blind spot and I frequently put stuff in it from the shelves during my shifts without paying.

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1 year

I'm a police officer. Saw a woman shoplifting food stuffs today. Watched her steal bread, milks and eggs, chocolate and other stuff. I accidentally forgot to do anything about it. Soz.

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2 years

Today, I should've been at my friend's wedding. Instead, I'm sat at home crying, cos I told them I have Covid. I don't. I simply could not afford the £150 petrol, £120 hotel room, £60 drinks tab, £100 gift, £65 outfit, and pay my rent.

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1 year

My son took his first steps in the living room with me whilst my wife was working late. That evening we watched together as our son took his first steps. A magical moment that she has treasured for years.

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1 month

A few years ago friends and I deliberately left out a friend from a night out, he somehow managed to be walking pass the bar and he saw us, we locked eyes , he looked at his phone, and looked up and walked out of our lives. Nobody saw him again. Mike, I'm so sorry.

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1 year

I matched a girl on Tinder on a Tuesday evening. She asked if she was ok to bring a change of clothes etc as she had work the next day. I woke in the morning & found her sat on my sofa tapping away on her laptop with a headset on. "I'm choosing to work from home today" she said

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2 years

Split with the Mrs a few months ago as she was seeing someone else who she's now moved into our marital home. I still have the hive heating app on my phone. I keep turning up to maximum when they go to work. Hope it's costing them a fortune.

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2 years

My mum has dementia and was getting very upset that she kept forgetting where she put her cigarette lighter. I bought 80 of them. They are now in every coat, draw and pocket. She's so happy when she says "I remembered!". It makes me smile that she's happy

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1 year

My twins, age 6, wake before me in the morning and go to to the toilet in my ensuite. I pretend I am asleep as they always put their favorite teddy under my arm and kiss me on the head. I am a 47 year old man and this is the best moment of my day,

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2 years

I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself "you're all cunts aren't you?" and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

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2 years

My wife bought a dash cam for our car. I didn't know it recorded the sound in the car. She now has lots of recordings of me pretending to be interviewed by sky sports as manager of my FIFA team while driving to work. Mortifying.

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1 year

I've had diarrhea for 3 years and never saw a doctor. My dog had diarrhea for 7 days, and I took him to the vet. He has a wheat allergy. I decided to see a doctor and I also have a wheat allergy. We both poo normally now.

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1 year

I once paid £3.99 to stream a film on Amazon because I couldn't be arsed to get up for the DVD I had on the shelf not 15ft away.

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1 year

My brother was a big gamer and loved an online game. When he got too sick to keep playing he logged off his guy in his favourite spot. Since he passed I've been paying his subscription and log on every night. His friends all say goodnight to him. It makes me feel he is still here

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2 months

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

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1 year

My elderly parents keep asking why their gas and electric bills are so manageable. I tell them it's because they're on a fixed tariff, but it's because I have access to their account on my phone & I keep secretly adding money into their account every month.

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1 year

My ex-husband cheated on me. When I divorced him, he told me I was too ugly to find someone else and that I would be alone for the rest of my life. The next day, I fucked one of his friends. The day after, I fucked his other friend.

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1 year

This Christmas we both told our parents that we were at our partner's family. Actually spent the day at home with each other curled up on the sofa watching Lord of the Rings in our pyjamas and eating roast potatoes dipped in gravy. It was perfect

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1 year

My Mum & Dad died very suddenly & they were super kind people. Every couple of months I go into a cafe, buy all the cakes & tell them to give them to kids & say it's from them. I miss them so much but this way their names are said all day & people are made happy.

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10 months

15 yrs ago mate died of cancer. Not a close mate but mate enough. He arranged with me & 3 other lads to go in suits to his funeral, speak Italian & say "we're gonna miss you Boss" to pretend he was secretly a Gangster or something. His mother called the police.

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1 year

My amazing wife took me away for my 40th birthday, the holiday house was amazing and looking forward to some peace and relaxing. I walked into the next room, and my entire family was there. Instead of being delighted, I very audibly said "for fuck's sake"

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1 year

My 14 year old son agreed to come for brunch with me today and was followed by a walk home through the park. He spent the whole time chatting about school, friends, his future hopes. I could never tell him, but it's probably been one of the best hours of my life.

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8 months

Punched the air at hearing neighbour's son's GCSE results. She sent her son privately at cost of almost £20k/year. My son went to local comp. For 5 years, she's lauded how amazing the private school is. Results day: my son has gained a better result in every subject. Result

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1 year

I'm a full-time carer for my disabled sister who's a wheelchair user. For 2022, we came across 13 illegally parked cars blocking footpaths, and you're fucking right I scraped every one of them with a corkscrew. Onwards, unrepentant.

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1 year

When I was 9 I broke my bedroom window. To prevent my parents seeing I put a poster over my window. Well I'm now 18 and the other day, the poster fell off my window revealing no crack whatsoever. I asked my parents about it and they said they'd fixed it 2 days after it happened.

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7 months

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I'm paid £42k. It's been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I'm not saying a WORD

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3 years

My husbands dying wish was to make people think he led a double life, we had 3 blacked out land rovers follow the courtage and actors in suits and trench coats 'observe' the funeral from a distance- he was a bank manager for TSB and to this day haven't told anyone the truth

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1 year

Mum died in September. She never left England, hated travelling anywhere, hated extremes of heat/cold, hated 'foreign' food. I travel a lot and take some ashes everywhere and leave them in places she would've fucking hated. It's a big world out there, & she's finally seeing it.

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7 months

Second wife is 11 years younger than me. She wants kids, I don't as already have 3. Have never told her I had a vasectomy so can't anyway. She's just announced she's pregnant. This'll be interesting.

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@fesshole

5 months

Quit being a Dr in the US when I discovered that the hospital favored low-priority rich people for organ transplants over high-priority very sick poor kids who were at death's door. I moved to UK & now work in the NHS. You guys have no idea how fucking lucky you are to have them.

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10 months

I like to do "ethical shoplifting" where I take things from the shelves of big supermarkets and place them in their food bank baskets at the end of the store. Technically not stealing as the items never leave the premises- just moving them really.

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2 years

I attend my daughters swimming lesson once a week. They are boring as hell but I watch her intently because I know after every length she glances up to see if I'm watching. All the other parents stare at their phones the entire time. My parents never watched me either.

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1 year

I have had to use a food bank today for the first time. I never thought things would get this bad. I feel crap as a husband and father for failing my family. But I want to thank the people in the food bank. The nicest kindest people you could meet.

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@fesshole

9 months

Years ago I did freelance photos for a fast fashion brand. months of chasing up for payment they never paid. every now and then I report every single copyright infringement on their website to the brands they rip off. My invoice was only £550. I've cost them over £100,000.

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1 year

My wife makes her own children's clothing & has an own web shop. Despite her efforts, she sold almost nothing so far. So I made a fake account & I often order something to make her feel better. The address I use is that of a divorced colleague with 5 children to feed.

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1 year

I'm an electrician, offer me a cup of tea, job gets done for the quoted price, don't offer, I'm always going to find an "unforeseen problem" that costs extra. I don't care about the tea but it's a good indicator of peoples attitude to the working class.

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2 years

Whenever I refill the tea bags, if there is only 1 left in the jar, I move it to the top so that it is the next to fulfil its destiny and not consigned to a life of forever being trapped under its tea bag friends.

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8 months

I work in a pub. There's an old boy called Tom, losing it abit. He's come in every Tuesday for decades and always asks how I am and about my band. He thinks it's still £3.50 a pint because I pay the other £1.70 myself and I can't break it to him that we're now charge over a ...

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1 year

I had an ex boyfriend who I've since realised made me miserable and I've blocked him on every channel possible. Whenever Liverpool lose I sign him up to emails from whichever club have beaten them. I've never been as busy as this season.

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1 year

I hated peas as a child so my mother would hide a pea in my roast dinners every sunday. Every week I would finish my dinner, then victoriously leave the solitary pea alone on the plate. I'm 44 now and yesterday she confessed that she actually used to hide two peas. The twat.

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2 years

My 11 year old son get £7.50 a week pocket money. I tax and NI him and he also has to save 20% each week so he's left with about 4 quid. He hates the tax man already and he's now starting to hate the government. May as well start them early.

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2 years

After a heavy drinking session, I shat the bed. Told the wife it was the dog to avoid embarrassment. The size and stench was so bad that she took him to the vet, and found out he was showing early signs of stomach cancer. I inadvertently saved my dog but can never take credit.

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1 month

My date wasn't going too well. She lost interest in me within 30 mins, probably because I kept talking too much out of nervousness. She popped into the public loos. When she returned she caught me playing peekaboo with a random dog someone had tied up outside a shop. Married now.

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1 year

My former neighbours came straight from hell. Partying 3/4 times a week, with a lot of booze and drugs. Their oldest son was dealing drugs as well. We couldn't take it anymore, and put the house up for sale. There where multiple people interested, we chose the policeman.

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2 years

My dad is a staunch Tory voter, and doesn't see the need for food banks, thinks they stop people from helping themselves. When I do his shopping I always buy something for the food bank on his behalf and donate to the trolley on the way out.

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6 months

Dog died recently. I'd complained for over 10 years that I was the only one that ever walked him. Yet I'm still waking up an hour earlier than I need to and walking our route. I even stop and look for imaginary poo at the places he used to "go". I really miss my dog.

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@fesshole

1 year

I work at a posh school that requires us to wear academic gowns on occasions. All the other staff spent hundreds of pounds on theirs. I bought a cape from a magic shop.

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@fesshole

1 year

I met my wife over 10 years ago. I still get as excited now as I did then every time I see her. Even if she's just been working up stairs and comes down to make a coffee.

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@fesshole

1 year

Colleague announced she was going on maternity leave. I pointed to her belly and jokingly said, "Well I didn't want to say anything". She was adopting the baby.

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@fesshole

2 years

My ex broke up with me about a month before the finale of his favorite Netflix show hit. He'd organized a viewing party ready for midnight when it dropped. I let him stayed signed in on my account until 11:59PM that day, when I changed the password & forced logout on all devices.

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@fesshole

1 year

I found some car keys on the ground in a car park. Before handing them into lost property I swapped their clubcard key ring for a spare one of mine so they'd rack up points for me.

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@fesshole

11 months

Shat myself while out walking - pulled off my boxers and lightly buried them in a wood. A year or so later, a body was discovered in the same wood. Thinking my soiled kecks might be found as 'evidence', I went to the police station and explained. They're probably still laughing.

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@fesshole

5 months

Unemployed in a coffee shop looking for jobs on my laptop. Guy next to me was having laptop issues & I knew what the issue was as I had it before. Offered to fix it for him which I did. Then he offered me a job at his company on the spot in IT. Accepted. Not a clue what I'm doing

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2 years

Every time I see a kid under 10ish wearing glasses, I always say "wow, I love your glasses!" because I fucking hated wearing glasses as a kid. I really hope it makes their day.

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@fesshole

1 year

My wife is a data scientist and said I wasn't walking the dog enough and that she was doing most of them. Went through 12 months of our Strava stats and provided evidence that I was responsible for 60% of his walks. She threw a tantrum. Hasn't spoken to me in a week. I win.

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1 year

Read a tweet that simply said "Call your mum and tell her you love her". Thought I'd give it a go. Dad called me back 10 minutes after I got off the phone and said, "Mum's crying. She thinks you're dying and won't tell her." Thanks twitter.

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2 years

I always tell my dog I love him. A friend once told me that was "a bit gay," and I should stop. I cut all ties with said friend, ghosted that motherfucker the very same day. If my border collie is reading this, love you mate!

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6 months

For wife's 40th, I took her to Paris as she'd always wanted to go. The whole trip was based around what she wanted, and she loved it. For my 40th this year, she got me Lance Armstrong's book because I "like fitness" and she hadn't time to look for a gift for me. I'm heartbroken.

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2 months

Interviewer for a tech company. To weed out 'tech bros' we always put a male and female engineer in the interview session together. If when the female engineer asks the candidate a question he directs his answer to the male engineer, then he doesn't get the job.

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1 year

Played FIFA with my 12yo son. He beat me 12-1. Was fuming, so for last few weeks I've been secretly practising after he's gone to bed. Just had a rematch. Lost 14-0.

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@fesshole

1 year

A woman sat next to me on the train today wearing the same perfume as my late wife. I closed my eyes and for a few moments it was like she was still there. Thank you for those precious moments.

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5 months

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my 'first' pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

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1 year

Once in primary school someone bet me £3 to be friends with the quiet kid no one talked to just for a week. I found out he was a great guy and had a really similar personality to me. He's just asked me to be his best man but still doesn't know he was a bet.

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9 months

Missus was bullied out of a job & left feeling depressed. About 6 months after, she noticed they'd changed all their signs on the offices and vans, we surmised its because they used a copywrighted image & were reported which cheered her up. I know it was because I reported them.

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1 year

I leave for work before hubby gets up - he ALWAYS sleepily reaches out for my hand as I leave - every day for the last ten years, and I haven't told him it's one of my favourite parts of the day, because he might overthink it and stop doing it.

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2 years

Met a girl in a club. Went back to hers, both hammered. Woke up with a Staffie in bed with us. So I went down stairs let him out in the garden and threw a ball for him. Girl was so impressed she cooked me breakfast. Three years on me, girl and dog still together.

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11 months

My mum passed away recently, in the process of helping my dad sort things I downloaded his Ring app to my phone. Since then I have taken great pleasure in watching my dad out and about feeding the birds talking to the neighbours. I love seeing he is ok, I love him so much.

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12 days

Marriage was all but finished, we'd just let it go and silently knew the writing was on the wall. Driving to work one morning and someone on the radio said text your partner and just say I love you. Did it. It was the reset we needed and 20 years on still happy. Thanks DJ.

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1 year

About a year ago, the company I worked for switched to a 4 day week. Never told my Wife. Each Friday, I hire out a small office where I play Football Manager. I like to pretend its my Manager's office. I have 'conversations' with players about disciplinary matters and contracts.

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1 year

As a junior recording engineer, I accidentally erased a small part of a song by a major band. Spent an entire night in the studio alone repairing it with bits from later on in the song. When I hear it on the radio now, the fear comes back.

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5 months

I do odd jobs for the old lady next door as she's not very mobile. She insists on paying me, and I make a show of reluctantly accepting. I then buy plants and bulbs and discreetly put them in her garden. She knows, but it's never mentioned. It's a game we play and I love it.

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1 year

Once saw a very drunk young lad fall over & gave him a lift home. Turns out his mum had recently died. We played music from his phone & my car bluetooth still lists him. It's still saved & I think good wishes whenever I see it, though he won't remember me. Merry Xmas Ben x

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1 month

I got promoted this week. Worked so hard for years and made it to a level I never thought I'd achieve. All I want to do is tell, my Mum but she died recently. She'd have been so excited and babbling down the phone and then telling all her friends. I hope I made you proud Mum.

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24 days

When my wife is home, I have to agree with her that the fact our neighbour built a pub in his garden shed is pathetic and ridiculous. But while she's at work on the night shift as a nurse, I'm actually drinking with the neighbour in his spectacularly awesome garden pub.

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Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

1 year

If anything breaks outside of its warranty I order it again off amazon and return the broken item. I figure Jeff is too rich to notice or care.

201

555

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

2 years

I now work in the hospital where I used to take my now deceased dad for weekly appointments. Afterwards we used to go to the restaurant for tea. Now, I sometimes go sit there with 2 cups and imagine dad's just gone to the loo.

270

290

27K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

7 months

Overheard a bloke at work bragging about his £300 earbuds; so every time he's on a Teams call I now ask him to speak up or to repeat himself. It's caught on now, everybody's doing it.

67

500

27K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

2 years

I'm a grown man but when by dog died I still went on my evening dog walk. I said it was for exercise but I'd ball my eyes out doing the same walk as normal with her lead, she just wasn't attached to it anymore.

557

327

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

1 year

My wife & I don't have a 'side' in our bed. Whoever goes to bed just picks a side & that's theirs for the night. Not sure I can tell any friends or family as they'd probably think we're murderers.

1K

737

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

1 year

Mum has dementia, and gets really anxious that she hasn't bought me enough Christmas presents so every year I wrap up a bunch of stuff I already own and tell her she bought it for me. This year mum "bought" me fantasy novels, a jacket, kitchen stuff & a copy of Pokémon Sword.

260

299

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

2 years

I once got my annual salary paid in 1 month. No one contacted me from our wages dept. I emailed them a few days later but put a comma rather than a dot in the address so it would fail to send & so I'd have proof I'd told them. That was 8 yrs ago, no one's ever contacted me.

303

282

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

1 year

I'm a single woman, and any time I'm looking for a tradesman, I go on Tinder. Strike up a convo, few dates, job I couldn't get anyone for is done. Plumber, electrician, handyman, works a treat.

380

435

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

8 months

Met a girl recently who's absolutely perfect. I think she's the one. Only problem is her name is Stacey. My name is Gavin. Nobody will take us seriously

354

470

26K

Fesshole 🧻

@fesshole

21 days

Was chatting to a guy online for about 5 months. Seemed nice. Agreed to meet for a date. He never showed. Never returned my calls, texts, etc. I cursed him, hated him for stringing me along then ignoring me. Just found out he actually died in a hit & run on the way to meet me.

252

451

26K