drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste Twitter profile

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 days

find me on "the better twitter"

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

Absolutely unhinged post from local facebook group

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@drewtoothpaste

5 years

i have bad news for everyone on this site regarding the future

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

thanks

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

1 year

the two options for furniture in america are a $85 table made of spit and paper and a $4,485 table made of wood out of a tree that some one kissed every day

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@drewtoothpaste

5 years

just had "the talk" with my eleven year old. it was awkward but now she knows that the fbi killed martin luther king jr

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn't he know what anything is me: 2018: calling my kid's mindcraft game "computer legos" is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

they should make a narcan for weed so if u get "scared of tv" level high u can sniff a little and come down to a "watching tv is fun" level

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

my kid left her pokemon open and it’s pages and pages of this

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

fresh wave of bad reviews for yankee candles

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

Now we're talking

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

local facebook group post from a person who thinks walking is illegal

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

i made a map of the midwest for those not familiar with the region

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

11 years

"Anime is real," Barack Obama said in his inauguration speech earlier. "Pokémon are real. Geodude is real, and strong, and he's my friend."

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@drewtoothpaste

4 years

keep getting pissed at myself for letting such a small thing as national apocalypse get in the way of my productivity

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

4 years

it's ol cum bus day. 1 like = 1 disrespect of columbus

drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

Come to Ol' Cum Bus in next 110 mins if u want an ass kicking

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

2022 baby

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

4 years

this is what the internet used to be like

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@drewtoothpaste

5 years

in pornos everyone is step brothers or step moms now... kind of fucked up to give all the porno jobs to your family members... thats called nepotism

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

3 years

ᶜʰᵉᵃᵐ ᶜʳᵉᵉᵐˢ

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

3 years

all americans born before 1970 know is buy house, watch house value go up, not get up until plate is clean, go to college for $400 and lie

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

my kid bought me this shirt (left) after repeatedly sending me this comic (right) and telling me it's me

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@drewtoothpaste

8 years

ME: anyone but trump GARY JOHNSON: I will outlaw schools. JILL STEIN: Crystals are the only technology we need. ME: ok hillary i guess

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

Come to Ol' Cum Bus in next 110 mins if u want an ass kicking

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

10 years

Come to VLC Media Player in next 15 mins if u want an ass kicking http://t.co/gFXijcCmqS

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

the concept of having your own doctor is pretty funny to me. i don't have "a doctor" i go to a building that used to be a bank when i get sick and a random person who is on the brink of having their medical license suspended gives me amoxicillin. it costs $115

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

remember how boomers used to say "starter home" for a house you could buy with a normal job before you saved any money

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

congrats

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

bad news: the one-star reviews are coming back!

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

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@drewtoothpaste

3 years

before the pandemmy, we assumed that in case of nuclear war, people would go into bunkers and stay there. but now we know that after a few weeks, people would get bored and wander around getting irradiated, insisting they were doing it "safely" and geiger countering regularly

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in the third week of may, 2022, the one-star candle reviews have returned

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

9 years

Everyone on poker is pissed cause I'm telling them I'm driving while playing

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

if you're lamenting that twitter's current situation might limit your ability to read posts by weirdos i have good news. reddit is still going strong

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

facebook is doing to boomers what working in a mercury-vapored hat factory did to 19th-century laborers

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

"The ancients had over five hundred gods, which they referred to as Funko Pops," said the archaeologist. He advanced the slide, and the crowd laughed. "No, they weren't very good at art," he added.

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

transcription of me stubbing my toe on an enormous bone my dog left in the middle of the floor

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

The Quincy Jones interview is great, please read it

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

ordered something from chinese takeout that had no pic/description on the menu and it turned out to be a bare hotdog

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

Thank you to for helping me compile the most popular search queries for each state in the US this year!

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

when you introduce two of your friends and realize they like each other more than they like you

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

banned from gardening forum for saying "it was me" every time someone posted and said "help, something is eating my tomatoes"

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

the people on a FB group about historic real estate are the most relentlessly positive posters I have ever seen. this is a decommissioned missile silo

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

happy 13th birthday to sephiroth, who almost certainly is known to his friends as Andrew

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

8 years

GOD: Let there be women WOMEN: Cool GOD: But no pockets WOMEN: What? GOD: Put your stuff in a bag lol MEN: lol GOD: lol

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

my child has started owning me by taking pics of me while im taking selfies and then texting them to me

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

regular person: I need more damn money. This shit sucks internet commenter: Be frugal. Cook a large pot of beans and eat that for an entire week. rich person: I agree with the wise commenter. Also go to the doctor less please

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

3 years

everyone always wants to look smart. This is a huge mistake. You want to look dumb. No one asks you to do anything, and you can always do what you want, and if anyone gives you trouble, you say something like "oh my gosh"

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

the poker moderators hate me, as do all of the moderators of any message board where i'm a member

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@drewtoothpaste

6 years

there are so many things wrong with this article I don't know where to start

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@drewtoothpaste

5 years

things are still going well

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

if you live in a big city & you see billboards advertising for Ohio, don't fall for it. there is no public transit and your $150,000 job will pay you $45k here. everyone makes eye contact and wants to talk. we love it, you won't. ride your little train and stay put

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

i still can't believe we gave up real websites for this horseshit

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@drewtoothpaste

4 years

capitalism rocks

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@drewtoothpaste

4 years

Republicans: We will give every poor person $1000. We hate them but please bear with us, these are special times Democrats: We will be working night and day to bring this figure down to $500 or less.

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

sorry but also reddit is a horrible site

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

i can't believe google just fucking showed me myself when i was looking for a gif to send someone

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

in case you're worried Something Awful users are no longer insane, here's a guy who has gotten over 30 vaccine doses this year

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

the people who go online every day to cyberbully NFT purveyors are not being compensated or appreciated by the world at large, but you should know that your work is important and regular people love what you're doing. and it's funny when they delete the NFT. thank you

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

8 years

i hate food trucks

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@drewtoothpaste

7 years

when the news doesn't know if you're a lunatic they respond really carefully

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

Bad news: Just saw a pic of myself at the end of a news article I was reading Good news: I'm apparently a millionaire

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

/!\ REMINDER /!\ Even if Senators vote to kill your entire family you MUST respect them by not saying anything rude.

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

the democrats let Roe fall so they could fund-raise. The "donate to help us fight this" email was prewritten and got sent five minutes after the decision hit. Do not give any politicians any fucking money

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

3 years

looking at google reviews for people who didn't go to the place they reviewed

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

there is no way that the "average" american throws $133 worth of fruit and vegetables into the trash every month. as the price of food increases uncontrollably we are consistently told that it's our fault somehow, that if we were good instead of bad that we'd have food

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

i wanted to see how long to roast a chicken for but okay

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@drewtoothpaste

5 years

i would sleep in a graveyard for $70 what kind of question is this facebook

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@drewtoothpaste

7 years

Cat owner: I love cats! Dog owner: who rescued who lol Snake owner: I have served with pride as moderator on 7 forums in the past 13 years,

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

This account has two tweets spaced exactly ten years apart

peepee

@peepee

6 years

Test complete. RESULT: This site sucks ass

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

Indie rock music is alive in Columbus

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@drewtoothpaste

1 year

i hereby revoke my "outlaw tiktok" stance

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@drewtoothpaste

7 years

hi everyone, this is drew's wife, he died because his self care app failed to remind him to crap so he died of crap ass. RIP

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@drewtoothpaste

6 years

just ordered 500 of these bad boys and looking forward to the post office treating my customers' posters and pencils very respectfully

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@drewtoothpaste

3 years

Every church which does not pay taxes should be required to house the homeless inside their buildings. Letting homeless stay in one church for one night because the temp goes below zero makes it clear they could do this & won't. Help your community or pay your taxes, pick one

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

just told my wife i was going to make a meme for her and my kid shot upright from her chair and said "wait, you can MAKE memes?" it has begun

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@drewtoothpaste

3 years

you: this is the lowest spot of the pandemic yet. almost a year of isolation, weather too bad to go outside, no energy, can't sleep all your friends: that sucks! we were talking about this at dave & buster's last night (safely)

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

helping my neighbor out

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@drewtoothpaste

4 years

amazing headline from local news this morning

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@drewtoothpaste

8 years

I'm at the art museum and there's a painting here from the 1700s that looks exactly like me

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@drewtoothpaste

4 years

retweet if you've ever replaced your apartment's fixture or repaired your apartment's appliance because it would be less mentally taxing than trying to convince your landlord to do it

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

when your CEO is magic, you can do anything

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@drewtoothpaste

5 years

The Health Insurance Marketplace just offered me a $981/mo plan that covers literally nothing until you reach a $10,500 yearly deductible. The Marketplace rates this plan three out of five stars.

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

7 years

1987: Why are you always READING? 2017: Why are you always LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE? 2047: Why are you always DIGGING THROUGH THE NUCLEAR RUBBL

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@drewtoothpaste

2 years

Ice T never misses

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@drewtoothpaste

3 years

Just learned that the local school my kid is supposed to go to (she's not, due to virus) has "Mask Break," a daily 15-minute period where middle schoolers are allowed to take their masks off and run around. Probably part of why the school emails us with 1-3 new infections daily

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

2 years

steak is the least impressive thing you can cook. a peanut butter and jelly sandwich requires more ingredients and thought. "i bought a $20 piece of meat and rubbed salt on it then put it on the hottest surface i could find" grow up

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

Monopoly would be faster, more fun, and more illustrative of capitalism if one random player started with $60,000 and all of the properties

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@drewtoothpaste

7 years

We've all said some horrible things about CNN in the past decade, but their reporting is getting good

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

5 years

I spent over a month gathering this data from Google. quote this with your state's most popular Fall Food!

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@drewtoothpaste

3 years

lmao cops arrested the zodiac killer in 2016 for something unrelated and then let him go

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@drewtoothpaste

3 years

they're saying coffin flop's not a show

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@drewtoothpaste

4 years

june 24, june 26, july 9, today

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

1 year

12:32pm: Follow me on Blempus. This looks like it's going to be the one folks. We're going to Blempus 12:34pm: It appears that Blempus uses your phone app to dial 911 if you attempt to upload a profile photo

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

funko pops should slowly release gas that makes the owner sterile

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@drewtoothpaste

6 years

DO NOT retweet this unless you are a 30+ year old jazz collector. this meme is only for those experiencing the depicted events

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@drewtoothpaste

6 years

What the FUCK to the Russian-meme details of this FBI indictment

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@drewtoothpaste

6 years

cops are just normal people like you and me. choke a deer on thanksgiving and draw a gun on it. thats just thursday for normal people like us

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drewtoothpaste.bsky.social

@drewtoothpaste

6 years

Caillou died in the explosion of the space ship Challenger. The show is his parents hallucinating him as a good boy rather than a disobedient space stowaway who got what he deserved

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