palmer ward @decentbirthday Twitter profile

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Just received this rollercoaster of an email from one of my professors

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

Facebook marketplace is a different world

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

It was a quiet car ride

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Just put Skype out of business

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

3 years

Grandma out here taking NAMES this year

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

I thought my GrubHub driver died for a second

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

The world would be bleak without DoorDash drivers

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Keep your real ones close

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

DoorDash workers must be protected at all costs

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Just delivered Grubhub to this customer, and now I see why Coronavirus is kicking our ass

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

I ordered Uber Eats for my Grandma to try, and not even a day later she's taken control

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

My Grandma recently learned how iMessage text effects work, so naturally I’ve been documenting her using them inappropriately

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

This is why I hate group projects

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

Out here making friends

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

3 years

had fun catching up with an old classmate

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

I want to issue a formal apology to my Lyft driver

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Update: he really doesn’t miss

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

I think my Uber driver is in trouble

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

1 year

Holy shit he’s back

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

⚪️A ⚪️B ⚪️C ⚪️D ⚪️E ⚪️F ⚪️G ⚪️H ⚪️I ⚪️J ⚪️K ⚪️L ⚪️M ⚪️N ⚪️O ⚪️P ⚪️Q ⚪️R ⚪️S ⚪️T ⚪️U ⚪️V ⚪️W 🔘X ⚪️Y ⚪️Z gon' give it to: ⚪️someone else 🔘ya

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Someone should check on Foot Locker

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

My friend is catching on to my pranks, so I had to use my roommate’s phone to get the job done

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

3 years

Grandma was in the zone last weekend

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

I think my Instacart driver wanted to tell me something

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

A story in two parts

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

I individually asked my mom, dad, and brother to get me Taco Bell on the way home. I have peaked in life.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

My UberEats driver canceled the order shortly after this

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[assigning roles] god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth sun: sounds good god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves moon: hell yes

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

I’m convinced that the buyers of Facebook Marketplace never went to grade school

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

My grandma just discovered iOS 10

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[skiing] friend: meet me at the black diamond me: how do i find the slope friend: y=mx+b, but that's not important right now

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

2 years

depressed? walk into a corner store with no game plan and walk out with 2-4 drinks. nothing better than getting home and assessing your various beverages.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

8 years

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty proud of this one.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

every day i lose more friends

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

8 years

I have no idea what she's talking about.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

I've had to find new ways to get through to my sister

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

If you ever feel like you're having a bad year, just be happy you aren't this guy.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

[first day in hell] hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir me: wow this isn’t so bad group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

what do i say

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[about to make first contact] astronaut: how will we communicate me: play mr. brightside astronaut: that's ridiculous [meanwhile on UFO] alien 1: pull it up alien 2: *shuffling through music* it's by the killers right

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

never getting food delivery again. what do i even say to this

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

I accidentally ordered GrubHub to my home on the east coast even though I’m on the west coast. I tried fixing it, but it was already too late

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

8 years

[mocking jay part 2] jay: come on guys please stop

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

Was I forced to pay for dinner? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

doctor: now let’s check blood pressure me: *pulls out apple* doctor: *shudders* what is that me: i think you know doctor: get it away from me

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[getting mugged in alleyway] mugger: *steals drugs from my pocket* me: what do you want?!?! mugger: *throws drugs in dumpster* what's best for you

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

Listen guys, I’ve been working hard to get a real lake named Justin Timber Lake and it’s slowly taking over my life

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

Whenever a friend asks why I use Lyft over Uber, I show them pictures from when my Uber driver was 30 minutes late, responded only with “Cars 2” when questioned, then canceled our ride

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

I cannot believe this just happened. My number neighbor is AMAZING.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Check the dates. Facebook Marketplace never ceases to amaze me

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

2 years

@bigt1nystank

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

Friend: what's wrong? Me: i forgot how to calculate sine Friend: ah Me: no that's cosine Friend: oh Me: right, thanks

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

me: *holding photo* these are your kids? boss: yep. that’s stephen, kayleigh, and austyn me: how old are they? boss: elephen, threigh, and sevyn

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

3 years

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Grandmas are the life force of society

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

3 years

at least the food was good i guess

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[2025] student: can i go to the bathroom teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don't know, can you

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you've caught yet another monster shaggy: no problem cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine shaggy: haha lets not do that

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

they just built a Wendy's near my grandma and she occasionally sends me updates

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[suburban dad running for president] dad: as your president, i vouch to make sure every door stays closed *crowd cheers* Dad: cause i’m not paying to heat up the whole neighborhood! *crowd erupts, new balances are thrown into the air*

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

I don't know how my friends still tolerate me.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

Made an unexpected friend while working Instacart today

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

Just fell asleep at the beach and woke up with a hideous tan line

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

me: *texting* call 911. i'm under my bed and a murderer is in my house murderer: omg you texted the wrong number me: oh no lol murdered: coming rn me: haha shit lmao

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

@BrokenTripod0 Appreciate it but they tipped as they ordered, and you can’t rescind it once you place the order. Got it anyways (:

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

8 years

[John Cena wakes up from coma] Cena: Where am I? Nurse: ICU Cena: No you don't

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

2 years

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[first contact] alien: so you guys work for NASA? astronaut: yeah. took years of complicated math and physics courses to get this job! other alien: *whispering to friend* hide the beer. they're fuckin nerds

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

Wife: you can't get to narnia. it's not real Me: yeah okay Wife: where would you even get the plane ticket Me: *under breath* you wouldn't take a plane to narnia

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

*cop pulls up* cop: you went the wrong way me: but so did you when you pulled me over cop: wait, so that means- *another cop pulls up*

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

This single image is actually destroying my relationship

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

8 years

I just sent my mom an old picture of Joe Biden and convinced her into letting him live with me.

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

Sometimes it pays off to accept random DM requests

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

thomas jefferson: victory at last! this honorable day of independence will be celebrated for years to come. [2018] some guy named bucky: come on kyle just stick the bottle rocket in your ass it’ll be funny

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[first time at IHOB] me: i’ll take the pancakes please waiter: *leans in* who the fuck do you think you are

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[Paper Planes by M.I.A. - Acoustic Version] All I wanna do is- *Bow and arrow noise* *Bow and arrow noise* *Bow and arrow noise* *Bow and arrow noise*

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

ah yes. the only two genres of music. country and kendrick lamar

Taylor Hatanelas

@Tpetersen14

7 years

I don't understand how some people don't like country music. Like ok is your first dance at your wedding going to be to Kendrick or???

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[invention of cross country skiing] guy who runs: what if we also made skiing not fun

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

Just got upgraded to first class

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

2 years

*guy who pronounces bereal like cereal* guy: you guys using bereal?

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

@kieranscandrett it was in the neighbor’s yard

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

My new bong just got here 😍

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

The guy from all of my math problems as a kid is trying to buy my dresser on Facebook Marketplace

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

angry boomer relief fund plug

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

*first day as a politician* me: okay honey, see you when i get home [8 hours later] me: *pulling up in brand new BMW* we support guns now

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

brand new whip got

rudy betrayed

@rudy_betrayed

4 years

why is this sitting out in a car window

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

7 years

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it guy: no like- me: *handing phone* take a video

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

[pulling in driveway] friend: did you get the drugs? me: *getting out of brand new 2018 toyota corolla* don’t be mad but i think i went to the wrong dealer

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

1 year

about to write a thesis

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

It's too late, guys. Yodel kid is becoming Jacob Sartorius and it's all our fault.

Mason Ramsey

@masonramsey

6 years

Heyyyy good lookin'

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

*crashes into lebron james* me: oh my god i’m so sorry lebron: wow me: guess we gotta sign this insurance form lebron: that looks like a basketball me: *uncapping sharpie* it’s an insurance form

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

6 years

Isn't it weird how Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

Yo wtf @amazon

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

5 years

Weed smoker taking a scantron test: A B C D E 1. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] 2. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] 3. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] 4. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] Can’t see the answers? That’s because they don’t have scantrons in hell

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palmer ward

@decentbirthday

4 years

My Instacart driver almost gave me a heart attack

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