Cristela Alonzo @cristela9 Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Cristela Alonzo

@cristela9

46,589

Followers

1,002

Following

1,905

Media

31,272

Statuses

Podcast: Stand-up 🎤: #MiddleClassy #LowerClassy @netflix Book: #MusictoMyYears Sitcom: #Cristela #DallasCowboys #ClipperNation

Los Angeles, CA

https://t.co/Ob8dMyaW5T

Joined July 2018

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

I am a 1st-gen Mex-American. I made history by being: 1st Latina to create/write/star in network sitcom 1st Latina to star/lead Pixar movie I’ve written a book avail in hardcover/audio. I don’t get the attention others get so I have to promote myself! Buy it! #MusicToMyYears

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@weediets

@GeelongCats

@UniLED_HQ

@RTEUniversite

@ohpolly

@twink_myers

@M701233772

@WyleeKai

@Westgrove_Group

@BurekObemaSOL

@StillDragon2

@diaahadid

@chrisbangloml

@Alex_Gillon

@KennyJe64121790

@LittyGamesCo

@parisa4justice

@flopeande

@botach

@AdiuvoDiag

@piupiupampam

@viccaninvest

@pixi

@MassimoMontele3

@Padre_Natas81

@OrduOlay

@RealKarma__

@MargarethaApple

@euxean

@TheKitchen_NYC

@TomyAutos

@DeileJuergen

@UngAktiesparare

@MaxiLopez_11

@Lance4Freedom

@thealiwarsi

@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 years

REMINDER: If you can pronounce the names for characters in Game of Thrones, you can pronounce Latino names.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

This made me laugh so much. Don’t know whose pic it is.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

3 years

If a doctor confused a scalpel for a thermometer and killed someone, they'd be arrested for murder. Also, stupidity is not a defense.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 years

People think Dems are rigging the election but didn’t bother to take over the Senate?

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

It’s so weird that Ted Cruz would go to Mexico to seek refuge from Texas. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I can't believe Twitter invoked the 25th Tweetmendment.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

10 months

Forgot to add that my lawyers suggested getting my name copyrighted because the studio would try to own it because of the show. They tried doing it w/Reba McIntyre but she owned hers. So I paid money I didn’t have to do it. A WEEK LATER…the studio tried! I beat them by a week!

@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

10 months

I had a sitcom I created about my life. I was not the highest paid actor. I was not the highest paid writer. The show was named after me. People ask why I haven’t done created another show. Sometimes I get close but then remember how I was treated and I stick to stand-up.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 years

I got paid $0 for my sitcom pilot. When I sold my show, my white partner got 3 x more money then me AND an overall deal. I was 'not ready' to get one. The name of the show was Cristela. I also offered to shoot the show in English/Spanish. I wasn't the highest paid person on it.

@THR

The Hollywood Reporter

7 years

. @LenaDunham was 23 when she sold #Girls to HBO with a page-and-a-half-long pitch, without a character nor a plot

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

Being bilingual is a superpower. You have the power to help people in two languages. ✊🏾

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES: Aries: Stay inside. Taurus: Stay inside. Gemini: Stay inside. Cancer: Stay inside. Leo: Stay inside. Virgo: Stay inside. Libra: Stay inside. Scorpio: Stay inside. Sagittarius: Stay inside. Capricorn: Stay inside. Aquarius: Stay inside. Pisces: Stay inside.

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Cristela Alonzo

10 months

I had a sitcom I created about my life. I was not the highest paid actor. I was not the highest paid writer. The show was named after me. People ask why I haven’t done created another show. Sometimes I get close but then remember how I was treated and I stick to stand-up.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

2 years

If you can’t face an audience of the people you represent, then you shouldn’t be Governor of Texas.

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Cristela Alonzo

6 years

IF👏🏾YOU👏🏾CANT👏🏾HANDLE👏🏾ME👏🏾AT👏🏾MY👏🏾WORSE,👏🏾THEN👏🏾GOOD 👏🏾FOR👏🏾YOU👏🏾FOR👏🏾HAVING👏🏾BOUNDARIES!

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

2 years

NOT A JOKE: Spotify CEO pledges to invest $100m in content from marginalized groups. Doubles down on JR and they would, they spent a lot of money on him BUT...the balls this guy has to say he'll split THE SAME AMOUNT HE PAID ONE GUY TO MARGINALIZED GROUPS IS EVEN WORSE.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

Um, two guys tried to assault my brother, special needs nephew and I two weeks after he got elected after they asked where we were from. We said Texas, they kept saying, “Mexico.” My story isn’t special. Where is the article for people like us?

@VanityFair

VANITY FAIR

5 years

Young Republican women are aggrieved, outnumbered, defiant. And they aren’t going to apologize for loving the guy in the White House.

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Cristela Alonzo

1 year

My dad cheated on my mom and had a secret family with another woman. She left him. Growing up, she would say, "Never beg anyone to do anything they don't want to do." And that was a big lesson. I just randomly thought of that and figured someone might like to hear that now.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

1 year

FUN FACT: When I got my sitcom that I wrote/starred in got picked up to series, I was broke and had to borrow money to get by and buy clothes to wear to upfronts in NYC. This was after a year of having sold the show. People thought I was rich when I had no money. Pay writers.

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

Please stop visiting Mexican restaurants if you don’t like how the food is served.

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Cristela Alonzo

1 year

UPDATE: Andrew Tate's car emissions right now are at zero.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

ALL LIVES MATTER! Except if I want to get a haircut, go to the beach or get my nails done. Then, ONLY MINE MATTERS! BLUE LIVES MATTER! Except when I yell right at cop's faces w/no face mask on at protests while carrying guns. I'M A SOLDIER OF WAR! I PLAY CALL OF DUTY! PEW PEW!

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

The Chief fans booing against unity while seconds later, demanding a good game out of the same players is a really clear example of "We only want you to perform for us. We don't want to hear anything else from you."

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Happy Rush Limbaugh Is Dead Day! I didn't even get the chance to put my tree up!

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

YOUR DECEMBER HOROSCOPE Aries: Stay inside. Taurus: Stay inside. Gemini: Stay inside. Cancer: Stay inside. Leo: Stay inside. Virgo: Stay inside. Libra: Stay inside. Scorpio: Stay inside. Sagittarius: Stay inside. Capricorn: Stay inside. Aquarius: Stay inside. Pisces: Stay inside.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

You guys, I think we need to stop making fun of Marco Rubio.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

Obama was #44 ...we couldn’t find #45 because he was golfing but I found #46 !

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I wanted to come up with a Halloween costume that was a “sexy” version of something that made no sense. I present to you…”sexy afghan from the couch on Roseanne.” HAHA… Tomorrow is another costume.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

10 months

One thing I’ve learned from the Barbie marketing is that companies do have money to market when they want to. Remember that POC.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 years

They are picking strawberries for you to eat while the air is harmful. They do it because they have to. Remember: These workers are out there every day. Think about that when you vilify a community you don't know. I am proud to be from a community of people like this.

@UFWupdates

United Farm Workers

4 years

Diego shared this photo of the strawberry harvest in Watsonville CA. The morning started off hazy and smoky from nearby fires. The smoke,irritating their throats and nostrils , hung in the air most of the day. The UFW continues to advocate for farm workers everywhere. #WeFeedYou

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Cristela Alonzo

9 months

One thing about the WGA strike that I constantly think of is the studios saying they will continue to pay late. When I signed my deal for my sitcom, I waited a YEAR to get paid. My boyfriend at the time borrowed money from his family for us to get by. Always remember the fight.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

{\__/} ( • . •) / >🌮 U want this? {\__/} ( • - •) 🌮< \ Then stop saying we’re taking your jobs and that we’re all criminals.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

A reminder that critical race theory is another way of saying “facts.”

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

By the way, starring in Cars 3 was the thing I did right after my show was canceled and let me say....PIXAR IS AMAZING TO WORK WITH.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO to all non-Mexican people that will celebrate by eating and drinking everything they think is Mexican today and then go back to talking about how we’re the problem tomorrow!!! 🌮🍺

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

And people wonder why I haven't come back to TV...🤔 The support I had in 2014-2015 was non-existent. Also, the writers I couldn't stand on my show that like to take credit for the good parts of it while blaming me for the bad parts are now running another Latino show...🍵

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

I’m just gonna say that Fabuloso is still in stock at the stores. This is a low-key tweet for those that know what’s up.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

2 years

I’m 43 today. It’s my birthday! Nothing else notable happened this day in US history except that I was born!!!

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Cristela Alonzo

10 months

Now with both my unions on strike, maybe things will eventually get better and will inspire me to do something again.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

My dream job is divorcing Jeff Bezos.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

New #HisDarkMaterials episode on @HBO tonight. This hare makes her debut. Her name is Hester. I love playing her and I hope you love her too. She’s spunky. ✊🏽

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

REMINDER: Meghan McCain is not essential.

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Cristela Alonzo

8 months

I’d like to shout out the A-Lister I had a get to Vegas from NYC ASAP for an event 22 years ago, that was furious when I said planes had stopped flying. Neither them OR anyone on their team believed me because “why would ALL planes out of NYC just stop?” FYI: Still famous.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

Well well well.... @Lin_Manuel as @JulianCastro ...on SNL. A positive Latino role model played by another positive Latino role model. Let’s celebrate this moment because it doesn’t happen very often. 👏🏾

@Vegalteno

Luis A. Miranda, Jr.

5 years

. @Lin_Manuel playing @JulianCastro @nbcsnl @latinovictoryus #latinobama

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

I need a Latina to moderate a debate. This shit would not be happening.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

Yo....though... At the rate we're going, next week we're going to find out the electricity bill at the White House is under Barron's name.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Shout out to Latino children (both kid and adult) that will have the struggle of being called fat by the same people that get offended if you don’t get a second plate.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 years

I ❤️ this pic! @DoloresHuerta celebrated her 90th birthday by sitting outside her daughter’s house as a parade passed by her house to show their love! ALSO NOTE THE 2020 CENSUS SIGN BECAUSE BIRTHDAYS DONT STOP HER WORK! #SiSePuede ✊🏽 📸: Henry A. Barrios for @KernSolNews

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 years

This is how I announce that I'm endorsing @ewarren for President. I'll be at the Women's March in Reno THIS Saturday. COME AND SAY HELLO! Her intelligence is necessary and w/ @JulianCastro 's support, I know her vision will help the most needed communities.

@SteveSebelius

Steve Sebelius

4 years

Star power: Actress and comedian Cristela Alonzo (aka @cristela9 ) will campaign for @ewarren at the Reno Women's March on Saturday.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

Hispanic Heritage Month Fact: Not everyone is from Mexico.

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

Pitch for a TV cooking show: Let Bobby Flay try to beat an immigrant mom’s food.

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

I hope people noticed the impact @Lin_Manuel had on SNL last night when he entered. He was playing @JulianCastro but the audience was excited to see LIN as him. My point? When representation happens, we get to see the love/support a Latino can get from EVERYONE, not just Latinos.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Felt cute. Might continue to fight against white supremacy later.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Corn tortillas are great for street tacos. Flour tortillas are great for breakfast tacos. This ends the press conference.

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

I had a show on TV once. I know many of you have forgotten it judging by the erasure of it from conversations...but FUN FACT ABOUT EQUAL PAY...the show was named after me. I starred and wrote on it...AND I WAS STILL NOT THE HIGHEST PAID PERSON ON IT. Not by far. #EqualPayDay

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Cristela Alonzo

6 years

This happened to my brother and sister months ago. Were both born and raised in the Rio Grande Valley. Turned in birth certificates, all documentation needed. Were denied passports and asked to produce paperwork to prove they’re American. So yeah...

@washingtonpost

The Washington Post

@washingtonpost

6 years

U.S. is denying passports to Americans along the border, throwing their citizenship into question

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

I supported a Mexican-American candidate that looked like me. The son of a single mother. I supported a brilliant woman that destroyed a billionaire with her words, showing how qualified she is. Truth be told, whatever @JulianCastro and @ewarren do, I'm there.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Undocumented people getting citizenship doesn't change your life. It changes their life. Pass it on.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

SIX YEARS AGO TODAY...my short-lived sitcom “Cristela” premiered on ABC. I was the 1st Latina to create/write/star in a network sitcom. I still get people showing me so much love for this show. It means a lot that to some of you, it was as special as it was to me. Gracias! ✊🏽❤️

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

FYI: There’s a book out called American Dirt about a border crossing filled w/harmful Mexican stereotypes that hurt rather than help the community. Oprah picked it for her book club. You want to see how authentic it is? These barbed wire centerpieces were used at party for it.

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

"Yes I gave him a whole sandwich but you all get to share a sandwich! That's unity. Try to get as full as he is. I believe in you!"

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Cristela Alonzo

10 months

I meant trademark! Sorry. They try to trademark your name in case the show (named my actual name) is a hit and sells merchandise. So I wouldn’t get a cent from it. I didn’t know this had so many likes! Woah. Thank you. Actually makes me feel good that people noticed it.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Cancel culture is such a big problem that this white man is allowed to tell us about it every week on a channel we have to pay extra to have.

@DEADLINE

Deadline Hollywood

3 years

Bill Maher Says Tokyo Olympics Are Out-“Woke”-Ing The Oscars, Proving Cancel Culture Is “An Insanity That Is Swallowing Up The World”

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

The protests in Iran are SO important right now. The women are demanding justice. The aftermath after the killing of #MahsaAmini is something we should be following!!!

@MazJobrani

MazJobrani

2 years

I’m hoping my friends in comedy will help spread the word on the protests in #Iran over the killing of #mahsaamini @StephenAtHome @joerogan @JKCorden 🙏 #HumanRights #WomensRights

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

(taps mic) Is this a bad time to say that today is my birthday? Not kidding.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Good night everyone! I'm sure Joe Biden will re-win the election somewhere tomorrow...again.

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

My therapist said I had a Type A personality so I asked him what I had to do to get a Type A+ personality.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

One protestor at Trump rally surrounded by three men trying to get her to leave. This protestor does have a ticket to the rally so she is a guest. Even if she didn’t have a ticket, it’s her right to be there. NOW, she’s been told they’re arresting her for trespassing.

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

You should be able to go into a store having a Columbus Day sale today, take what isn’t yours and say you discovered it. ✊🏽 #IndigenousPeoplesDay

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

As a Mex-American, I have to call out Spanish-speaking news in the US for not putting focus on WHY people are protesting. We should be talking about George Floyd. Ustedes necesitan decir el nombre de la victima, es la razon que tantos estan protestando!

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

LIFE HACK: The reason so many of you think Cinco de Mayo is a thing...actually happens tomorrow.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

My sister had a stroke yesterday. I flew to Dallas to be with her. I was at this same hospital three weeks ago when my niece had a baby. Life is wild.

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

They told her she was trespassing because of her shirt. MSNBC is showing all of this in real-time.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Never seen “white” spelled that way.

@thehill

The Hill

3 years

JUST IN: Leaders of UNC-Chapel Hill say Nikole Hannah-Jones' tenure was revoked because she did not come from a “traditional academic-type background”

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I don’t know who needs to hear this but… 🗣 YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR FAKE VACCINATION CARDS! THEY ARE FREE WHEN YOU GET VACCINATED!!!🗣

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

WONDER TWINS POWER ACTIVATE! @JulianCastro @Castro4Congress on with @lawrence tonight! Both in Texas and not Cancun.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Oh. I just experienced my first non-compliant mask guy on a plane. He was just removed off the plane. And he was Latino! KIDDING HE WAS A WHITE GUY THAT FOUGHT WITH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT!

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

FYI: @soledadobrien ’s Twitter should be developed into a TV show. A daily half-hour show that breaks down headlines by telling the public what journalists omitted. Call it something like “What They Really Mean Is...With Soledad O’Brien.”

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

My sister had a stroke on Friday and got discharged from the hospital today. I’ve been with her since I landed. She’ll need therapy but she can talk and walk now. She couldn’t days ago. She has a short term memory. I don’t have many people left in my life. This is good.

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

Years ago, I was in a reality stand-up competition where I got to the semi-finals and lost. I went out with some of the comics that night. We had dinner and beers and then went back to the hotel. We ended up in someone's room and within minutes, I was kicked out of the room...

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

Today’s my mom’s birthday. I miss her like I just lost her. Shout out to all the parents that come to this country, not knowing the language, taking any job they can so we can have a chance they didn’t have. Neither one of us would’ve imagined I’d be doing what I’m doing now. ❤️

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

FYI: JLO IS 50. SHAKIRA IS 43. As a Latina, this is one of the reasons I love about getting older.

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

Remember that being bilingual is an impressive skill that not everyone has. I say this because for far too long, so many of us have been asked to translate things at jobs for free when really, they should be paying you extra to do that.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I hope @MSNBC knows how lucky they are to have @AliVelshi ....he's great.

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

RGV! I’m resting but there are certain things I need to make time for, like this. Looks like Greg Abbott will announce reelection for governor and I need to remind my people from the Rio Grande Valley of something. I’m tired of being tired. That’s why I’m with w/ @BetoORourke ✊🏽

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

If not Warren, what female president are we actually waiting for? SHE IS HERE NOW!

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

What're you getting with your $600 stimulus check? Me? I'm buying lettuce at Whole Foods.

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Cristela Alonzo

2 years

Now that he made it official, I can say I’m supporting @BetoORourke for Governor of Texas and will be spending time back home to help with the campaign. Let’s do this!

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Cristela Alonzo

4 years

I just want to say how proud I am to be involved in both @JulianCastro and @ewarren ’s campaigns this year. I have never worked with a more diverse group of people. They way their people talk, what they believe....I wish people could see it. And more importantly, feel it.

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I'm a first-gen Mex-American that grew up in a mixed status family. We squatted in an abandoned diner for 7 years. I shared a twin bed w/my mom till I was 18. I dropped out of college to help my family. I took care of my mom til she died at 21. I have anxiety and depression...

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Cristela Alonzo

5 years

FYI: When you come from an immigrant or (whether you're first-gen, undocumented, etc) and/or poor family...people might not understand that when you get to be the first to do something, you carry your entire family along w/you on that journey. Your success is their success. ✊🏾❤️

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Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I was today years old when I learned that white privilege is spelled j-o-s-h h-a-w-l-e-y.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

Yesterday, my oldest brother (a schoolteacher) became the 1st person in my family to retire from a job. I come from a family where people work until they die because their jobs don't come w/benefits. My brother retiring is something he could do because of my mom's sacrifices.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

4 months

I struggle with depression and have been in a depressive episode for a while now. It’s hard to explain how it feels but I post this in case anyone out there is feeling like this as well and reads this. Sometimes it can feel lonely but just know, there’s a lot of us out there. ❤️

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I know we're finally getting back to normal because a woman thought I worked at the store I was at today even though I was wearing AirPods and carrying a shopping bag.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

1 year

This feels like we are signing each other’s yearbooks and wishing we have a great summer.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

3 years

I'm not one to talk about what I'm working on but...I figured I need to work on that so I'll tell you something that's already completed. I wrote a Christmas movie for Lifetime over the lockdown . It was shot months ago and will be out this holiday season so you better watch it.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

5 years

Here is the moment @JulianCastro announced his presidential run. I started crying...in Spanish. Este es el momento cuando Julian Castro anunció su campaña para la presidencia y yo comencé a llorar...en español. #Julian2020

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

3 years

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Today I decided to dress up a Tejana that made history and changed the game forever! Anything for Selenas! 🌹

Tweet media one

Tweet media two

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

2 years

George Lopez has never hosted SNL. His new sitcom is on NBC. Invite him to host.

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@cristela9

Cristela Alonzo

2 years

Shout out to everyone that didn’t get a chance to be young because you had responsibilities that you had to take care of even though you weren’t married or had kids. I’m doing the young shit now.

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