Zvi Hershcovich @cholentface Twitter profile

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

ME: Yom Kippur is a time of forgiveness and this is my third time asking you to forgive me. CREDIT CARD REP: That’s not how this works, Zvi.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

How to celebrate a goal when you’re Frum.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

SHABBOS HIGHLIGHTS BY AGE 3 - Staying up for the meal 5 - Shul Candyman 8 - Shabbos party 12 - Chess 15 - Cholent 20 - Shabbos walk 25 - Mitzvah night 30 - Kiddush club 40 - Shabbos nap 50 - Kiddush 60 - Correcting Baal Koreh 70 - Shabbos Shiur 80 - Shaleshudis 90 - Gefilte fish

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Boys who Girls who are not are not Shomer Negiah Shomer Negiah 🤝

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

WHAT YOU ARE BASED ON HOW YOU SPELL CHANUKAH Hannukah: Reform or conservative Chanukah: FFB Khanuqah: Secular scholar Hannoukah: North African Sfardi Yarmulke: Misinformed reporter Chanikah: Chassidic Hannukia: Confused secular Chnkh: Croatian Chanuya: Rebellious BT Purim: Drunk

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

flat out bummed that my Dad passed away this morning. he was awesome. funeral is tomorrow 2:30 at chesed shel emes on Beaumont

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Marvellous fun you take your father’s phone and WhatsApp a sibling moments after his Levaya 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

WAIT THE MIAMI BOYS CHOIR AREN'T FROM MIAMI??? WHAT ABOUT THE YESHIVA BOYS CHOIR? PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS?????

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

5 years

Jewish hand motions 👍 Fregt di Gemara 🤚 Sorry. I’m Shomer 👉 Put a ring on it 🤙 Flour sprinkler 🖖 Wash my hands, Levite! 👌 Get the salt for HaMotzi 🤜 Esnachta ✊ I don’t want to do Havdalah 🤞Your Tichel knot is undone 🤟 Learning Gemara with Rashi 🤲 You got a Bentcher?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Close your eyes. Imagine a world where Loshon Hara doesn’t exist. A place without jealousy. Where people recognize that Gashmius is meaningless. Now open them. I ate the rest of your cheese Blintzes.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

5 years

MY SON: Tatty, why don’t we celebrate Halloween? ME: Jews don’t believe in superstitious ghosts, Ezra. Now finish reciting the Ushpizin before Eliahu HaNavi throws you out the Sukkah, Bli Ayin Hara!

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

6 months

Went to Canada’s pro-Israel rally in Ottawa today 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

NETFLIX MANAGER: Let's release it on March 25th. SHTISEL PRODUCER: Are you sure? Isn't that like, Erev Pesach? NETFLIX MANAGER: So? SHTISEL PRODUCER: *under his breath* Reshaim Arurim.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

ME: Hey Siri, I’m sitting Shiva. SIRI: Hamakom Yenachem Eschem Besoch Shaar Aveilei Occupied Palestine Virushalayim.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

EL AL SECURITY: What’s tonight’s Omer. TERRORIST WHO DID EXCELLENT RESEARCH: Tonight is the 8th day of the Omer, which is one week and one day. *gets tackled by like 8 flight attendants*

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

PHARAOH, IF YOU DON'T LET US OUT OF EGYPT YOU WILL SUFFER A PLAGUE OF LOCUST!!! *crickets*

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

IF CITIES HAD FRUM NAMES Montréal = Har HaMalchus Salt Lake City = Ir Yam HaMelach Des Moines = Nezirim Los Angeles = HaMalochim Baton Rouge = Malkus Philadelphia = Ahavas Yisroel Arkhangelsk = Malach HaMovess Buenos Aires = Ruchos Tovos Washington = Ir Netilas Yadayim

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

A Jewish version of WebMD where you enter your symptoms and it tells you what Aveiros you did to deserve them.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

“Ribbis.” - Ashkenazi frogs

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

1 year

Hardest Shlichus in the world is Chabad of Nigeria cuz at this point who’s gonna trust your fundraising pitch?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

[restaurant Shidduch date] HER: *shyly* So do you have any Yichus? ME: My Elter Zaidy was the Chazzer of Lublin. HER: You mean the Chozeh of Lublin. ME: *reaching in and taking a massive bite of her steak* No. The Chazzer of Lublin.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

9 months

Welcome to the world, Chaviva Faiga Hershcovich! Best prank of the year was swapping my baby for the cutest one in the hospital 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

MY WIFE: That's odd. I thought I bought a bag of chocolate Rugelach an hour ago. ME: *finishes reciting Al HaMichya quietly*

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Sent my Satmar co-worker’s son a card informing him that in honour of his Bar Mitzvah, a tree was chopped down in Israel 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

MITZVOS RATINGS • Minyan: 10 out of 10 • Filling the Kiddush cup: 110% • Learning Gemara: Strongly disagree • Kemitzah: Thumbs up • Mussar: Would recommend • Ahavas Yisroel: Like • Havdalah: 3 stars

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

8 months

Is it too early to reserve Chabad of Gaza City to open in a couple of months?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Tachlis, is ISIS-K a reliable Hechsher or not?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

No words. No comedy. May Hashem comfort the mourners of Tziyon and Yerushalayim. The Jewish world is shaken. We need Moshiach.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

How did Yom Kippur go from a day when everyone was just tossing around blood and goats everywhere to a day when everyone reads a book for 25 hours?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

RABBI ELAZAR BEN AZARIAH: Do you offer any discounts? THEME PARK ATTENDANT: Yes, for students under 21 and for senior citizens. RABBI ELAZAR BEN AZARIAH: *tries to decide which ID card to use*

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

CHOLENT CHOLENT CHO-CHO-CHO-CHOLENT OH CHOLENT CHOLENT CHO-CHO-CHO-CHOLENT OH CHOLENT CHOLENT CHO-CHO-CHO-CHOLENT OH CHOLENT CHOLENT CHO-CHO-CHO-CHOLENT OH CHOLENT Now read only the first word of my next 150 tweets. #OyVey

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

“I have a little Golem I made it out of clay And when it’s dry and ready Antisemites will pay.” - the Maharal of Prague

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

That obituary in the Montréal Gazette print edition…

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

7 years

I'm a Chabad rabbi who was tossed by Putin's Russia w/ others a few years after he threw the Rostov Yeshiva out. @politico article is 🐮💩.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Face masks are like yarmulkes. Some people are believers who wear them all day, some don’t wear them at all, and some only put them on when walking into a Synagogue.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Not telling my kids Pesach is over until we finish all the leftover Charoses, beet salads, and 20 pounds of Shmurah Matzah.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

It really sucks to lose both your parents but on the plus side now I only have to worry about keeping 9 commandments 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Lubavitch Shidduch resumes be like “went to Harvard” and then you find out he just spent a week biking around campus schlepping a sukkah.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Walking around the Western Wall asking if anyone knows which way is Mizrach 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

GENTILES: Oh my, Christmas is coming. Let’s put everything on sale for the season. JEWS: Hey, Pesach is coming. Let’s quickly double the price of everything.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

MY SON’S MOHEL: *over Zoom* Good morning folks, I’m working from home today so here’s what you need to do.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

ME: Good mor- RANDOM STRANGER: *spotting my Yarmulke* THE PALESTINIANS IN GAZA CAN’T HAVE A GOOD MORNING BECAUSE OF YOUR BABY EATING PEOPLE!!!

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

1 year

Maybe the reason Chabad Houses serve so much hard alcohol every Shabbos is to discourage congregants from driving home from Shul 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

WORST CHABAD HOUSE LOCATIONS • Aveiro, Portugal 🇵🇹 • Christchurch, New Zealand 🇳🇿 • Misa, Latvia 🇱🇻 • Swastika, Ontario 🇨🇦 • Zoina, Romania 🇷🇴 • Pig Hill, Australia 🇦🇺 • La Mort Aux Juifs, France 🇫🇷 • Murder Creek, Alabama 🇺🇸 • Thor, Austria 🇦🇹 • Hell, Norway 🇳🇴

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Sephardic last names are like Matzliah, Simantov, and Sasson. Ashkenazi last names are like Groanblech, Koffbomb, and Schmaltzbald.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Spent the past month zoombombing Lakewood Yeshiva classes and teaching the kids Tanya.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

PRO TIP: Quarantine is a lot less lonely if you have a dybbuk inside you :)

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

MOTZEI ROSH HASHANAH NORMAL JEWS: Eating leftover honey cake and chatting with friends LUBAVITCHERS: Holding ice packs to their cheeks after blowing 1600 Tekios

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

You’re not “woke” until you say Modeh Ani.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

THE FOUR SONS AT THE SEDER 2020 THE WISE SON: Performs his Seder in his own home THE WICKED SON: Organizes a communal Seder because "it's just the flu" THE SIMPLE SON: Doesn't wash hands at Urchatz THE SON WHO DOESN'T ASK: Hasn't learned Ma Nishtana cuz of Zoom's 40 minute limit

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Oh, you don’t believe in Hashgacha Protis? Then Explain Seder Nashim in Daf Yomi starting on International Women’s Day, Koifer!

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

MOTZEI PESACH Modern orthodox: Pizza Litvaks: Pizza Satmar: Pizza Breslov: Pizza Skver: Pizza Belz: Pizza Ger: Pizza Tosh: Pizza Karlin: Pizza Viznitz: Pizza Chabad: Detox #MoshiachSeudah

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

BREAKING NEWS: Government restricting grocery stores to essential foods only: bread, milk, eggs, potatoes. ASHKENAZIS: I don’t get what they’re restricting?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Ok now that Bahrain, Oman, and Sudan are normalizing relations with Israel, will Beit Shemesh follow suit?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Scheduled my annual Erev Pesach colonoscopy to get rid of the Chametz 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

We are sad but at least people know exactly what to say to the mourners 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

MAIMON: My son is a doctor. AZARIAH: My son is a Nasi. BAG BAG: *sadly* My son doesn't even have a name.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

1 year

Beis Din is ready.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

LEAST TRUSTWORTHY HECHSHERIM • Crucifix-K • Hashgochas Rav Shlomo Helbrans • iOU • First Union Centre Kosher • Swastika-K • ® Orthodox Rabbis • Ris-K • Badatz Kabul • Not OK • Qasruth of Rabbi Mary Cross of Messianic Temple Bnoth Jesus • ™ Toronto Mashgichim • KKK

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

I feel like it’s kinda hypocritical of the Marvellous Middos Machine to put out a song about Zerizus and then release their next album 25 years later.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Honestly now is the best time for Chassidim to get a smartphone. Because what’s the worst the Rabbonim can do, put you in Cherem???

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Omg you’ve never been to my Sefarim shop??? Let me give you a Tur!

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

If all Jews in the world keep one Shabbos we will all reach herd immunity.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Only in Judaism are the words, “you’re number 10” a compliment.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Hats off to the guy who invented Shtreimels.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

BEST ITEMS TO SECRETLY SWAP THE GLASS UNDER THE CHUPPAH WITH • Whoopie cushion • Banana peel • Squeeze toy • Walnut • Tail connected to a live bulldog • Smartphone with no filter • Balloon loaded with paintballs • Portal to another dimension • Wedding cake

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

My community loved the Zoom Havdalah, but does anyone know how to get wax off a laptop keyboard?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

*my wife enters the kitchen at 1:00 in the morning* MY WIFE: Zvi, what are you doing???? ME: *mouth stuffed with Schnitzel* Haven’t you ever heard of chicken Chatzos??

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Sometimes I get stressed and feel like the world is on my shoulders but then I remember that there are 35 other people in the same boat.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Imagine arriving to Shul with your baby Friday night and finding out the Eruv just went down and you have to spend the rest of Shabbos in Shul or find a way to hint to a Goy that he should push the stroller to your home.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

AN OPEN LETTER TO RABBEINU GERSHOM

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Mermaids can only convert to Judaism if they have fins and scales.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

YAAKOV: Ok kids. Gather around I’m gonna dish out some major blessing. 12 SONS: Awesome! YAAKOV: Ok, Reuven. You suck! Shimon and Levi, you both suck too! Dan, you’re a friggin snake. Listen up, Yissachar, you fat ox...

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Nothing more depressing for a Lubavitcher.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Most people count the Omer every night for 50 nights. I have discovered that it is much more efficient to just count all 50 in one go. Saves time and energy 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

ME: SHEMA YISROEL HASHEM ALEOKEINU HASHEM ECHAD!!! GUY WITH GUN TO MY HEAD: Are you done your last prayers? ME: *whispering for like 3 seconds* GUY WITH GUN TO MY HEAD: ME: VE’AHAVTA ES HASHEM ELOKECHA BECHOL LEVAVECHA UVECHOL NEFSHECHO UVECHOL MEODECHA VEHAYU H

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

JEWISH DEATH METAL BAND NAME IDEAS • Sekilah • Kol DeAlim Gvar • Black Shabsi • Makeh BePatish • Churban • Ir Miklat • Hoshaanos • Borscht • Kareis • Yizkor • Yachatz • Kelipah • Sandek • Tachnun • Yad Soledes Bo

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

My Bubby remembers trying to break a hole in the ice to go to the Mikvah, & the antisemitic NHL owner throwing her out of the arena.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

DAVENING ALONE PROS • No beard hairs in my Siddur • No sermon • Shuckling space • No shushing • Choose my own Lecha Dodi tune • No one “reminding” me to say Mashiv HaRuach CONS • No candyman One star ⭐️

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

"She's my other quarter." - Yaakov referring to one of his wives

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

FUN PRANK 1. Name your children Sadie & Bobby 2. Wait 80 years 3. Your great-grandkids will call them Bubby Sadie and Zaidy Bobby 👍

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

LITVAKS: We sleep in the Sukkah. LUBAVITCHERS: We eat in the Sukkah even in a downpour. MY DRUNK GUEST: *reciting Asher Yotzar in the corner of my Sukkah*

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

i before e except if you’re heimish.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

Missing the #Kinus dancing, second year in a row, because of Aveilus, is quite devastating. It’s always my favourite part. May we know no more suffering.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

A little about my mother, who was truly an extraordinary woman, in my fleets. Won’t be able to respond to all your messages but I see them and appreciate them. Thank you.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

If the world is so concerned about losing its bee population, why not just construct Sukkahs everywhere?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

I’m opening a Fleishig fast food joint in Crown Heights and calling it Avraham Fried Chicken.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

PANDEMIC EXPERT: Ok everyone. Start loading up on canned beans and canned corn. ASHKENAZIS: Before Pesach? Are you crazy????

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

I love how in the Middle Ages rabbis were all “I’m gonna write an acrostic poem based off my name” and hundreds of years later those rhymes are like half our Davening.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

The real heroes were the Kohanim who had to clean up after the Sotah exploded.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

What if Midrash is just Torah fanfic?

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

5 years

*opens Chabad of Area 51*

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

I’m opening a Gemach for telling people what everyone really thinks of them and calling it “Chesed Shel Emes.”

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Antivaxers are gathering outside the Bnei Brak vaccination clinic and just handing out free slices of cheesecake.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

Frum Jews are like Amish people but without the woodworking talent.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

INTERVIEWER: How did you get your nickname? KSAV SOFER: I have scribal handwriting. CHOFETZ CHAIM: I want life! PNEI YEHOSHUA: My face looks like a Joshua.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

4 years

@maimonides_nutz A girl named Maimonides Nutz, Was down cuz she felt like a klutz, She tweeted, “could you Write a limerick or two?” And got one response from a putz.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

5 years

What does the Chumash say about measles? I don’t know. Let’s check rashy.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

2 years

He died doing what he loved: a headstand in the Mikva.

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Zvi Hershcovich

@cholentface

3 years

Had to toss Jacob Steinmetz out of shul after he nailed another Bar Mitzvah boy in the head with a Sunkist :(

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