Megan Beth Koester @bornferal Twitter profile

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

The only thing I love better than speaking truth to power is doing irreparable damage to my career

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Last Seen Profiles

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

9 days

I actually think it’s cool that indie musicians can’t get vinyl pressed in a reasonable timeframe because one billionaire wants to produce ten thousand variants of her ten thousandth victim pop album

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

A comedian's job is to get so rich they have no functional knowledge of the culture they're criticizing

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

I assume everyone who's called me a liar and a cunt for the past three years will be sending me an Edible Arrangement the second the Louis C.K. NYT story breaks.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

*Borat voice* MAI RIIIIGHTS

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Kavanaugh’s been on benders that were longer than his FBI investigation

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

A fun thing to do after having sex with someone: firmly shake their hand and, while maintaining direct eye contact, solemnly state "Thank you for supporting live comedy."

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

I’ve never seen an episode of Ted Lasso but its fans have big “childless adult whose entire personality is predicated on their love of Disneyland” energy

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

If you think MY personality sucks, imagine how much you’d hate my unwanted kid’s

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

DEATH TO FALSE ALLIES

I Tried to Break the Louis C.K. Story and It Nearly Killed My Career

Hollywood is only woke when it's politically convenient.

www.vice.com

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Sure, the only presidential candidate who gave a fuck if you lived or died just dropped out, but on the bright side now the playing field is truly equal—which rapist with dementia will YOU vote for?

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Why do I, a WOMAN, do comedy? Because club chuds don’t WANT me to. I’ll do a tight fifty about sexual violence in the gutter OUTSIDE the Store, I don’t give a fuck Ladies, let spite flow thru your veins like the human growth hormone that flows thru Rogan’s Never retire

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

A comedian's job is to be born into a life of privilege which gives them the ability to be perpetually unemployed yet still feel as though they, by performing twice weekly at Union Hall, contribute something to society

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

STATUS UPDATE: Can't stop thinking about the dude in the audience of "Bros" last night who, right before the Nicole Kidman AMC ad came on, stage whispered "Here she comes"

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

NEVER FORGET that Dane Cook’s girlfriend was 2 years old when 9/11 happened

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Can’t wait to be SUPER productive—like all creatives, I do my best work while sitting around worrying that my grandmother is gonna die

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

I often think of a Moby interview I once saw wherein he smugly attempted to pose as untouchably cool for having watched Twin Peaks in the '90s. Bitch, my MOM, DEBBIE, watched Twin Peaks in HOLLISTER, CALIFORNIA because EVERYONE watched Twin Peaks in the FUCKING '90s

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Ah, #WhyIDidntReport . Another hashtag that puts the onus on victims to trot out their trauma in the hopes THEIR story is deemed worthy of empathy to a demographic wholly incapable of feeling empathy. I love online!

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

7 years

BREAKING NEWS: Man Who Has Never Read a Book in His Adult Life Misspells Word

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Because if there's anything the man excels at, it's "surprise" performances

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

10 years

"I'd like to buy the world." - A Koch

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

There should be something like the Make a Wish Foundation that allows women who came forward with their tales of sexual assault to meet their matriarchal idols. "Oh, you finally felt comfortable telling your story after years of heartbreaking, forced silence? Here's Kate Bush."

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

11 years

"Women are awful. Why won't they fuck me?" - Stand-up comedians

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Here we are, collectively celebrating something we desperately desire but can’t trust is true Tonight we are all 90 Day Fiancés

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

ANNOUNCEMENT I am quitting comedy in order to pursue my true passion: finding "problematic" tweets comedians posted 5-10 years ago.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Oh, you mean the paper that’s valued at over a billion dollars but insists on paying freelancers $100 per piece doesn’t endorse the candidate who gives a shit about the working poor? Huh

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

Delightfully, if you opt-out of the reproductive industrial complex entirely and choose to be sterilized the powers that be make obtaining sterility incredibly difficult, even if you've told a doctor you want it so you never have to get an abortion again. Great country, no notes

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

7 years

Wanna know why women don't speak up? Here's what happened when I tried to bring up the Louis CK allegations at JFL:

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

I like a nice, YOUNG writer—I think writing’s best when performed by someone with limited life experience. If they grew up wealthy, even better

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

Brody was the punkest motherfucker in the game. Fearless. Peerless.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Hello, I am insane Watch The Perfect Women every Wednesday night at 7PM PST/10PM EST at

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Finally, some GOOD news

TMZ

@TMZ

6 years

Larry King Takes a Hit of a Vape Pen, Coughs It Up

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

$6 for a latte? Sounds reasonable. Why not make it $8? Hell, why not $80? How about this—I give you my life in exchange for warmed, milked water. Existence is a liability, not an asset. Being is profitless

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

1 year

Haven’t drank for 1 year today. Didn’t think I’d make it a week, let alone a year. Not my first rodeo, either—alcoholism is a chronic illness, baby. If you’re struggling with the sauce, don’t give up, if only to spite the lobbyists who keep this shit legal in spite of mass death

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Happy future Father’s Day, Chris Hardwick!!!

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

STATUS UPDATE: Thinking of starting a socialist podcast so I can make $20,000 a month off my Patreon

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Rest in power, king

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

BREAKING NEWS: President Trump Pardons the UCB 4

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

Get You a Girl Who Can Do Both

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Grandmother’s birthday party update: It has come to my attention that grandmother’s friend Grace is so fucking old she played fucking saxophone at the opening of the Golden Gate fucking Bridge

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

A wunderbar piece, and this line fucking rips: "I emailed Markoe, a friend, and asked her why she thinks she may have slipped Letterman’s mind. She wrote back, 'Because we were having sex, maybe he remembers me as an intern.'" READ IT

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Trust no self-appointed king, up to and including the king of the nerds

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

Ricky Gervais sits, alone, in the corner of the Holiday Inn Easter brunch buffet. Seething, he directs his attention to a young girl standing at the waffle bar. "You know all this is shite, right?" he shouts, bits of ham flying from his mouth

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

10 months

For years, studios have focused on big budget, IP-driven franchises appealing to the dweebazoid demographic They've just made SAG strike a week before Comic-Con In a strike, SAG members can't make promotional appearances Some dude is gonna show up at Zaslav's house with a katana

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

Hi, I wrote about the last porno theater in Los Angeles:

The Last Dirty Picture Show

A love letter to the Tiki Adult Theater: "When it’s gone, where will all these lost souls go?"

popula.com

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

I’ll sleep when he’s dead

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

To go from selling out Madison Square Garden to having to perform in sweaty rooms filled with unfuckable podcasters feels slightly like justice

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Why the FUCK am I the only woman bralessly walking alone in the disquietingly dark Los Feliz hills right now listening to the new Fiona Apple record what are the rest of you even DOING

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

David Berman’s lyrics made you realize how shitty everyone else’s were

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

I think Aparna Nancherla is one of the funniest comedians on this diseased, festering sore of a planet. Not that, y'know, anyone gives one iota of a fuck what I think

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

"So...you still living in L.A.?" asks my cousin, a 20-something homeowner with a goatee. "Yes," I sigh. "You still doing the comedy thing?" his girlfriend asks. "Yes," I sigh, joylessly taking a sip of sparking apple cider

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

Me when the NY press touts yet another child of inherited wealth as an “important voice” in comedy

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

I did not—and I can't state this enough—know who this dude was when I started talking to him. Alls I knew was that we had just caught him shooting video of Lil' Mama eating a hot dog on his caseless iPhone

Brie-ly Getting My Ass Kicked Studying MCAT Potato

@tereborng

2 years

@The_SummerMan This one’s better

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 months

I actually think it’s cool that all the articles I got paid a sub-minimum wage to write for VICE when the brand was valued in the billions will now be unceremoniously deleted by a private-equity firm

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

STATUS UPDATE: Squandering my last livable years on Earth watching two people I do not respect argue about something I could give less than a fuck about on a platform that exists solely to mine and sell my data

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

SOME CAREER NEWS: Delighted to announce I wrote on a worthless, un-asked for television program you have zero interest in watching in exchange for a sum of money exponentially larger than you’ll ever make Please “like” this tweet to feed my inexplicably still insatiable ego

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

A Woman's Guide to Proper Emailing: Finish every sentence w/! lest you look bitchy Always use proper grammar lest you look unqualified A Woman's Guide to Proper Texting: Never finish sentences w/punctuation lest you look bitchy Never use proper grammar lest you look pretentious

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Went to the desert to be alone for two days. It is not yet midnight and I have been texted about Chris D’Elia no less than ten times. I am in a prison of my own making

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

The “wokeness is killing comedy” argument conveniently ignores the fact that 99% of clubs are safe places for intolerance. Roast Battle is a hate crime. Wanna make a Caitlyn Jenner joke...in 2019? You’ll be paid for doing so at the Laugh Factory, you hack fuck

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

STATUS UPDATE: Waiting for history to vindicate me, as it always does

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

While we're at it, let's also talk about how hack it is for Senator Improv to write a kiss into a sketch and expect it to serve as a punchline

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

Tim Kaine reminds me of a friendly gynecologist. This is not an insult. I'd let him root around down there.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

Today's my birthday. Last year I had an abortion on my birthday. My only birthday wish this year is to not have an abortion on my birthday. So far, so good (but it's early yet)

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

Despite supply chain issues, morale stays high at the Sunset Boulevard 99 Cent Only

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

7 years

VICE published my piece about the whole JFL "thing." TGTNLACS (Thank God There's No Longer a Comment Section)

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

A cool thing about being an unsuccessful woman in entertainment is that I can do and say whatever I want, much like a successful man in entertainment

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

My favorite kind of comedy is that which has been made by children of inherited wealth My favorite time to watch said comedy is while eating expired yogurt from Grocery Outlet

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Gentle reminder that Kim Deal installing her sister Kelley as lead guitarist in the Breeders when Kelley had never once played guitar is the punkest thing that happened in the past 30 years

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

They Might Be Giants says I’m in The NY Times Fuck you, everyone I went to high school with

They Might Be Giants

@tmbg

2 years

Megan Beth Koester in the @NYTimes ! ⁦ @bornferal ⁩

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled is convincing the world that using punctuation in a text message makes you come across as hostile.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

There should be a “for your consideration” billboard about Los Angeles’s homeless epidemic

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

I wrote something for this, issue #1 of the NEW Mad. It's about Spiro Agnew. Just kidding, it's about gentrification. If someone told me when I was a kid that one day I'd write about gentrification for MAD MAGAZINE, I'd say, "What's gentrification?"

MAD Magazine

@MADmagazine

6 years

Cover for MAD Magazine Issue #1

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Imagine a world in which people cared about female comedians' comedy as much as they cared about female comedians' "hot takes" on the sex crimes of male comedians

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Hey, SNOWFLAKES, was your 2017 TRIGGERING? As a LIB, did you feel OWNED? Maybe your New Year's Resolution should be to NUT UP, CUCK and ABANDON your CAPACITY for HUMAN EMPATHY

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

What are you gonna do with YOUR $600? I’m gonna buy 16 Blu-ray copies of Tenet

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

I’m not like...OTHER girls. I’m sitting in a parking lot at 9 o’clock in the morning waiting to pick my ex-boyfriend up from his vasectomy appointment

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Huh. It's almost as if time is not as up as advertised

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

A middle aged white man I do not know saddles up next to me at the Grocery Outlet. "Good deals," he unsolicitedly declares, "but you know you need to check the expiration dates, right?" I sigh. "This ain't my first rodeo, padre" I reply while making direct and severe eye contact

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

But doctor...I am FuckJerry

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

Guns Over People

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

PARASITE WINNING MEANS BERNIE’S GONNA WIN THE PAST FOUR HOURS THE PAST FOUR YEARS HAVEN’T BEEN A WASTE

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

7 years

BREAKING: President Trump also revealed where he goes poopy to Russian officials ("In the toilet, like a big boy," he boasted)

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

Lana Del Rey is nothing more than background noise designed to be played on the Crosley suitcase turntable you bought at Urban Outfitters while laying on the linen duvet you bought at Anthropologie and pretending to read a copy of “The White Album” you bought at Barnes and Noble

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

2 years

There is a restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard called "Sushi Near Me" This is brilliant Make the algorithm work for YOU

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

Candid photo of me whenever men argue among themselves in my mentions

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

3 years

STATUS UPDATE: Just shuddered at the thought that someone is already writing a screenplay about this

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

My greatest fear is that the entertainment industry's actually a meritocracy

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

7 years

A fun thing to do while receiving oral sex is ask, "how's everything tasting?" in a pseudo-concerned waiter voice

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

Aziz’s new special is called “Right Now” ‘cause that’s when he’s gonna try to fuck you whether you want it or not (he’s a sexual predator)

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Trust funders, redistribute all yr inherited wealth—fuck $50 Send yr unopened facial serums back to Sephora & get a few hundo Tell yr dad yr rescue dog ruined yr CB2 couch, have him send you a couple grand of blood money, & donate it to bail orgs/minority-owned business relief

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

7 years

The only act that should perform at Trump's inauguration is a hologram of the band that continued to play as the Titanic sank.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

IDEA: An all-female reboot of the United States Government

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

6 years

IT BEGINS

Louis C.K.’s Movie Premiere Canceled in Advance of N.Y. Times Story

The 'I Love You, Daddy' screening was abruptly axed just hours before it was set to take place.

www.hollywoodreporter.com

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

When God closes a door, he locks it. And jerks off watching the frightened people he's trapped struggle to escape via closed circuit TV.

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

STATUS UPDATE: Told my mom I got sterilized and she replied “Probably for the best”

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

"Mommy, can I go outside and vape with the other kids?" asked my fictional 4 y.o. son, Brayden. "Not until you finish your edibles," I replied

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

5 years

One cool thing about being a recovering alcoholic is that I actually looked WORSE in my 20s

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Just got back from the protest downtown and the only act of violence I saw was a white guy dressed as the Joker

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

4 years

Sadly, the rumors are true—I DID once have sex on a futon in Lakewood, Ohio with a noise musician who called himself Steve Dracula while listening to Blonde Redhead’s “Melody of Certain Damaged Lemons” in the early aughts

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Megan Beth Koester

@bornferal

8 years

STATUS UPDATE: Feeling extremely blessed to live in a country where the only emotion anyone's capable of expressing is righteous indignation

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