Heather Joelle Boneparth @averagejoelle Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

No one prepares you for the real hidden expense of parenthood, and I’m not talking about childcare. It’s the fruit.

300

654

7K

Last Seen Profiles

@Adnanrana_Pti

@tingekrishnan

@tonybrownlife

@JohnsonManabat

@Zephraph

@VAJerryJewell

@sunasnasna

@ASPoliceHorses

@thebedfordfox

@WildBrainHQ

@reserves

@JPowers25

@BritishComedy

@CoachCav_

@adamconner

@bradmize8

@TellUsRS

@iampaatt

@tvay3k

@TSwiftLAMedia

@DBATVaBeach

@DylanHartley

@The_Metarix

@zinatiyu

@ChrisTSGphoto

@extumblruser

@gemcarmella

@vintage_vibes24

@stw_pdg

@tshila96563193

@BenardJaylen

@stw_pdg

@nw_nicholas

@Monique_Villa

@absicudalustic

@School_Pharmacy

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

Men: I will run for office and lie about my entire origin and resume. Women: The job says 7-10 years of experience. I’m just reaching 7, I’m probably under-qualified, if I apply I’ll def disclose this in my cover letter.

104

775

7K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

Every kid in America is coughing.

142

267

3K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

10 months

@dougboneparth Anything goes in The Handle.

20

9

2K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

@dougboneparth Oh good, with all the money we’ll be saving now, you can finally afford to take me to dinner.

68

13

2K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

The evolution of my legal career. Yes, I’m Bill Murray now.

24

77

1K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

@dougboneparth Leave me out of this.

25

6

1K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

@dougboneparth Until you get us more free stuff, I don’t care that you’re a niche internet microcelebrity.

52

7

1K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

Does anyone else place items on the grocery conveyer belt by group, so they are bagged with the right things? No? Just me?

253

19

1K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

My first race ever. Went from literal couch to 5k during this pandemic and had my first sub-30 run on a 5k ever! I’m proud to be in the best shape of my life after two kids in my mid-Thirties. We should be allowed to say that - I’m freaking proud.

62

4

1K

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

A friend went $40k over ask for a home. She was “3rd or 4th” in line. How can anyone even want to play this game rn unless your back is against the wall?

137

40

945

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Me getting ready to go out for the second night in a row:

11

47

875

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Me: “Bitcoin’s back at $58,000?” Husband: “No. That’s my home screen, set to remind me of the good old days.” Me: 😑

24

28

836

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

But really, it’s our anniversary. Five years of wedded bliss - plus another three of communicating through Twitter. I love you, @dougboneparth .

69

6

827

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

5 months

Last night was my 20 year high school reunion. I matched sequins with the guy who sat behind me in Spanish class. Lots of people were eager to share about their divorces. One woman took my phone number to try and sell me Rodan + Fields. Another looked absolutely stunning and…

85

10

733

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

There’s nothing worse in this world than eating sushi with people who under order.

37

30

674

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Happy Thanksgiving from the Boneparths!

30

5

664

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

Fun fact: we eat roasted chicken every week bc I crush it.

37

10

658

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Happy birthday a man whose wisdom and humor have only grown with his hair. May this day bring you more digital and IRL joy than you could ever imagine. I love you, @dougboneparth ! Everyone eat candy and love on this guy today.

88

7

626

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

@dougboneparth Does anyone know a good financial advisor?

58

3

627

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

@dougboneparth Owned a farm? You won’t even weed the yard.

38

5

617

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth Better rethink, lunch is about to cost you $36.

28

4

611

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

I’m trapped in a hell where my husband tests Tweets on me all day as if it’s real dialogue between two humans.

23

17

569

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

It is possible to negotiate 7-figure settlements and also be afraid to fire your cleaning person.

28

24

559

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

@dougboneparth Oh I am sorry my personal and professional lives are not intertwined in a life jello mold like yours such that I have time to delete my promos and weird alumni newsletters every 4 minutes like you.

46

1

550

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth Draft the papers!

22

2

529

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Anyone else sometimes look at their honeymoon photos and shed a tear because you wonder whether you’ll ever be that rested or elastic or naive about what the next decade will bring again? No? Just me?

42

2

513

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

I’d like to congratulate my husband @dougboneparth for finding 40k people he’d rather talk to than me. I made him this celebratory balloon arch, but he wasn’t exactly happy about it:

61

13

509

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

11 days

Smh

Douglas A. Boneparth

@dougboneparth

11 days

My family wanted to see where I lost all our money.

323

590

15K

22

4

515

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

@dougboneparth I’m not giving you another $260M.

19

5

474

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth You better run 6.2% faster.

6

2

481

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Wow for all the new followers I obtained due to dunking on my husband, I can assure you, there’s more where that came from.

23

6

467

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

Me: “You’ve cleaned one thing in 11 weeks.” Husband: “OK, Karen, what are you going to do? Call my manager?” Me: “I am your manager.” Husband:

39

12

449

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

I didn’t sit for a SINGLE interview in NYC where the response to me attending the University of Florida wasn’t, “Oh, that must have been fun.”

45

6

437

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Me: “Did you buy that stupid crypto toad?” Doug: “I have to check my wallet.” Me: “DID YOU?!” Doug:

27

6

424

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

“Are you Doug from Twitter?” happened again. I cannot.

25

3

426

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

My husband at his fourth couples dinner with parents from school:

22

5

433

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth If a man asks if you “Notice anything new?” Tell him, “Yes, your hairline surprises me everyday.”

29

7

405

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Yup, this is right.

21

8

400

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Happy, healthy, and sweet. I couldn’t ask for more, and I wish all who celebrate the same. #ShanaTova

25

3

394

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

@apbenven I am crying laughing, but also crying, because I absolutely feel this deep in my winter’s bone.

3

2

394

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

What’s it like to have a second child? Our older daughter memorized our address and phone number when she was four. My younger daughter is now four. I don’t think she knows our last name.

35

3

391

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

Realize how fortunate you are to be able to *stock up* on food, order toys, pay for streaming services, get a new appliance in a pinch. Allow yourself to be humbled by this experience and maybe you’ll be better for it. I’m trying to.

9

36

377

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

7 months

The look of two people about to share their student loan debt with each other.

31

8

377

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Ladies, you ever think you look really hot in a sleeveless dress and then the photo comes through and your arm looks like a turkey leg from the medieval fair?

22

27

377

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Me refusing to face my husband’s crypto addiction:

22

6

351

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

I’m learning my husband’s solution to every backyard problem is to powerwash it. Whatever it is.

42

5

351

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

6 months

Me and @dougboneparth at 19. He’s aged like a fine wine and my eyebrows grew back, I guess I can’t complain.

Michelle Strowhiro

@strowhiro

6 months

Me at 19

14

0

100

64

5

353

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth And it’ll cost you $44B to get it back.

16

0

339

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Charcuterie plates were cancelled during the pandemic but I brought it back last night ❤️❤️❤️

50

9

344

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

9 months

@clhubes And then one day, the challenges change. Out of the blue. The tugging and crying and middle-of-the-nights become something else. You gain back your physical energy but spend mental energy wondering whether they’re nice enough, grateful enough, perceptive enough. Motherhood. Sigh.

4

8

352

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

@MegStEsprit YES. All the local moms groups have turned rather bleak.

2

6

342

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

My first baby was born a month early and came home at 4.5 lbs. The ped said if she slept >4 hours, she wasn’t sleeping, she was passed out from malnourishment. Her food had to be measured. My milk wasn’t in. The formula shortage isn’t like your furniture delay. It’s a crisis.

11

15

341

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

My daughter graduated preschool today. She is also five *and a half* and the half is important to her.

22

1

332

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

We’re at the point where my husband’s response to “How was your day?” is just the current price of Bitcoin.

22

5

309

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

There really should be a class that teaches spouses how to take decent photos of their wives.

37

4

311

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

9 months

TRIGGER WARNING: Husband Shares Loving Post for Wife’s Birthday

Douglas A. Boneparth

@dougboneparth

9 months

I’ve made some pretty bad investments in my life, but the absolute best investment was marrying her. Happy Birthday, @averagejoelle . I love you more than making my coffee at home.

169

28

2K

42

1

315

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth Because I haven’t hit you where it hurts yet: at the pump.

26

1

302

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dhtoomey Meanwhile some women will literally brush up against another woman at a party and be like *i dIE 4 yOu* in their stories

5

2

304

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

My daughter declared she never wants to be like a boy because boys “go bald,” to which I whispered, “don’t tell Daddy.”

17

3

301

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

I have used the bathrooms at Newark Penn Station and on a NJT Bus to Atlantic City. I do not care what’s in that vaccine.

19

12

304

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Moving.

13

26

301

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Today is a big day. After 12 years of lawyering in the insurance industry, today it ends. For now. Forever? Unclear. Nothing I’m about to do would be possible without @dougboneparth . He always believes in me and never hesitates to let everyone know it. But first, rest.

37

3

298

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

I can’t imagine feeling strongly enough about any one phrase to put it on a wooden sign in my home.

59

21

292

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Ladies, a thought: Replace “sorry for the delay” with “thank you for your patience.” Every time. Be less sorry.

25

14

294

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Good morning to everyone except the husbands who think they’re getting away with a bagel brunch tomorrow.

28

5

282

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Twitter Titan Changes Tire: A Blockbuster Holiday Movie

61

2

284

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

Since we’re still here, I guess I can share my *personal news.* After 12 years of corporate life, two babies, and one book baby, I’m joining @dougboneparth for real as BFW’s Director of Business and Legal Affairs! 1/4

33

3

283

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Wow I am freakishly close to having 5K of @dougboneparth followers following me.

35

1

274

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

In the place I love with the person I love. Lesssgo.

27

3

276

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

6 months

Happy Effing Halloween. -The Boneparths

50

7

279

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

9 months

Does anyone else get constant Cheech and Chong gummies ads on here or is it just me?

86

3

271

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

We lost my Mom-Mom yesterday. I got to be there for her final days. I said everything I wanted to say. I’m an only child, and until yesterday, grandchild. Her memory will be a blessing but her loss is an open wound. I am grateful for my friends’ support, even the internet ones

52

1

271

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

36 is the age when morning hangovers stop and middle-of-the-night-overs begin.

21

7

266

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

I may be a lawyer, but you financial types have A LOT of acronyms.

19

7

264

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Yesterday, two blocks away from us, a woman was sexually assaulted in her home. The first comment on our FB page: “She left her door unlocked.” How are we still doing this? How is this still anyone’s reaction to an act of sexual violence - on your NEIGHBOR.

17

6

271

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Kourtney’s love got Travis on a plane again. My love can’t even get a RT from @dougboneparth .

22

2

268

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Full length at any cost.

48

0

265

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

My 7 year old said she wants to wear her hair straight because “Walker likes my hair straight” so I spent hours gently advising her that WE DON’T STRAIGHTEN OUR HAIR FOR WALKERS WE STRAIGHTEN IT FOR OURSELVES!

22

7

272

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

@dougboneparth Few understand this.

11

0

257

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

11 months

My dream bf: -has great hair -makes his coffee at home -understands his cash flow -isn’t on Twitter

48

2

258

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

@rubinafillion Omg!!! It’s been written about!

3

0

263

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

When a mom says she doesn’t want anything for Mother’s Day, what she’s really saying is, it’s not my job to tell you what to get me for Mother’s Day. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

22

14

252

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

I’ve given him a hard time today, but we’re a good team. Yes we are peddling a surrey.

25

2

242

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

8 months

We’ve been married ten years today. What’s the secret? Make room. Make room for each other’s personalities, success, struggles, quirks, and ambition. If you can’t, ask yourself why? And if you think you’ve made enough room…make more. Happy anni, @dougboneparth ❤️

37

4

250

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

There are two types of people: those who respect food expiration dates and my husband.

42

3

250

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

There is nothing more impressive than watching my husband pit five local car dealerships against each another to negotiate the best deal a new car. Move over, child day traders, THIS is an art form.

29

2

246

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

1 year

@dougboneparth I put AirTags on his coffee mug three months ago. He was too busy tweeting to realize until now.

13

1

247

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Well @dougboneparth made our 6 y/o cry by offering to invest her money.

19

1

245

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

Millennials: Well, our careers were really shaped by the Great Recession. 2020: Hold my White Claw.

3

10

244

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

This isn’t really Twitter content, but @dougboneparth and I low-key matched tonight, and I have a feeling you will get a kick out of that.

58

3

244

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

These are not an NFT. He did well, guys. cc: @dougboneparth

23

0

235

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 years

Want to hear something funny? Tomorrow is Bring Your Child to Work Day.

16

32

241

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

Me: where have you been you said you’d watch the kids at 2? @dougboneparth : my enemies r after me.

22

5

237

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

For people who don’t understand the practical implications of this Texas abortion law, allow me to provide a real-world example. 1/7

11

20

235

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

“It’s not raining. My app says it’s not raining.” - @dougboneparth , getting rained on.

8

1

239

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

@dougboneparth There’s no shortage of meme coin millionaires that will let you crash on their mommies’ couches.

15

2

228

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

3 years

Me, watching my husband, watching the price of #Bitcoin :

9

8

229

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

2 years

You are the quintessential Halloween baby. Happy birthday to @dougboneparth , my love, my best friend, and a guy who can always take (and make) a joke!

20

3

238

Heather Joelle Boneparth

@averagejoelle

4 months

Greetings from Boneparth family vacation 🫶

20

0

225