Amber Sparks @ambernoelle Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@EvanAxelbank

@foofaa_199

@JerryThomasElem

@NFCSchool

@DKaiserjager

@Vl2UZfyOOEP5yiZ

@G06024b4OIG4WFC

@NR_University

@lezzaprechaun

@shilpaonc

@MasaSonCap

@jandakembangstw

@shigeruinagaki3

@FlashForFreedom

@queijolatra

@KenooTV

@dzukemuchi43495

@boingomania

@IYM_Official

@LucillePat89472

@JoAnn_Stores

@Andrey207267435

@SentaKarin40211

@zumizusuj161257

@gjmccoll

@GIJoeMovie

@tersoIeh

@kanokire

@ReeseLiner

@DrTeresaWheele1

@__swmlynb

@CDaGoat9

@RealFanatics_

@KennyAlexander

@Pitivi

@DJZinhle

Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Normal people: I met this guy, he was average Victorian writers: He was, in the way of most men, possessed of a rudimentary intelligence, his countenance ordinary, his bearing mild, with some weakness about the shoulders, his hair the color of ash; he spoke of the weather

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

Unpopular opinion: I don’t think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it’s okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Pregnancy literally permanently changed the skeletal structure of my body but tell me more about how it’s a minor nine-month inconvenience

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

Is that her because

New York Post

@nypost

4 years

Depression may have caused woman to believe she was a chicken

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Do you guys remember in middle school when you could buy carnations for people to be delivered in home room and the popular people got a ton, and the normal people had like one and the rest of us weirdos had to sit there while our school engaged in active bullying, a day for love

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

My kid had an absolute unholy screaming like forty minute meltdown about a very small thing and then at the end of it said quietly “I miss school and I miss my friends”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

People are like “how are these people refusing to wear masks in stores” but when I worked in retail people would regularly take a dump in the dressing rooms so what I’m saying is maybe lower your expectations for humanity

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

8 months

My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

I know this is not a popular take but honestly marriage probably shouldn’t be THAT much work

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Something I think wealthy people wouldn’t understand about poor and middle class kids is that after we graduated from college, we couldn’t just go into our chosen fields - we didn’t have the connections, or resources. So we ended up with strings of the most random jobs ever.

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

I’ve been working at home with my husband for two years now, yet still every single day noon rolls around and we’re like “oh god, lunch, what on earth can we do for lunch”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Six year old: I’m so glad it’s spring Me; Yeah me too Six year old: The woods is growing over all the secrets of winter now Me:

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I hate to tell you this but I think 2021 is three 2020s in a trench coat

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

10 months

In case you were worried kids don’t play with Barbies like they used to, I just went into my daughter’s room and there were Barbies everywhere in the Dreamhouse and she said they’d all been murdered by mermaid Barbie who was still at large but there was sure to be a trial soon

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

10 months

Look I don’t think Barbie was or needed to be subversive but I will say the first thing my daughter said after we got out of the theater was “what’s patriarchy” so it’s doing enough work, guys

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

7 months

If you weren’t there you will never understand how absolutely terrifying this film was when it came out because at first nobody knew whether or not it was real

John Watches Horror

@Y2John84

7 months

Say something about The Blair Witch Project (1999).

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

How many girls in the 80s and 90s were always eating diet food just because your moms were? Like was anyone else out there having Special K for breakfast and drinking Slim Fast for lunch because it was just what women did?

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

People like to talk shit about screen time today as if we were all engaged in some intellectual pursuit as children and not just hitting a tennis ball against a garage until Three’s Company came on

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Personally I think Lizzo should be in a movie where she’s a beautiful flute-playing mermaid who lures sailors to their watery doom

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

What is really interesting about the pandemic is that I think many or even most people have realized they would like to live a slower, quieter life, and also that that kind of life is basically economically, socially and structurally impossible for the vast majority of Americans

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

I do not understand why being homeless, in the eyes of so many people, means you have somehow forfeited your right to occupy public spaces like parks and libraries and subway stations - especially when those are your ONLY spaces to exist because you can’t afford a private one

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

Babies I have great news: everyone still looks young in their early thirties

best of swift ❁

@besttofswift

1 year

she ages like wine

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

9 months

The eight year old: I wrote another book, my best one yet Me: That’s so great, do you think you’ll be a writer when you grow up? Her: *stares* Did you not hear me, I wrote books. I’m a writer already

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

27 days

Once again just putting out there that if I wrote a book series that was universally beloved and made me richer than god you would simply never hear from me again

Culture Crave 🍿

@CultureCrave

27 days

J.K. Rowling says she won’t forgive Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson for speaking out against her trans comments

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 months

I really feel like the internet has raised a generation of people who expect the entire rest of the world to be NPCs

nohobal head of marketing

@nohohankpilled

5 months

i’m sorry are you guys serious right now

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 months

You guys remember the second to last episode of The Crown where the Queen was like “I simply can’t retire, everything would fall apart” that lady was RIGHT though

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

6 years

The toddler: *puts her arms around my neck, gently touches my face* Me: I love you, little bear. Toddler: ...You have bones inside of you. Take your skin off so I can see your bones?

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

10 months

Love how people are like “Barbie made me hate my body” when your aerobics obsessed mom with the Snackwells and Special K diet was right there

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I think a thing that young people could not possibly understand about Gen X and older Millennials is that our entire personalities were shaped by watching shows that weren’t at all for us or even interesting to us just because they were on

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 years

Raise your hand if you’re a woman and you’ve ever suffered from chronic mystery pain that a doctor (or several) just went ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ at

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

I love how “men are lonely and not having sex” is a societal problem but “the whole of women’s health is a huge mystery and crazy under researched and many doctors don’t care if we spending our lives suffering” is a personal problem

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

I AM SO TIRED OF READING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE IN COVID UNTIL THEY OR SOMEONE THEY KNEW GOT SICK MOST OF WHAT AILS THIS COUNTRY IS A PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHETIC IMAGINATION AND I AM SO TIRED

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

8 months

Have never identified more with anyone than I just did with the woman who walked into the grocery store in front of me, shook her head, said “I can’t be making these kinds of decisions today” and walked right back out

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 months

The way I gasped! she said “I have been working on this book for…” and I was waiting for five years, ten years, and she said “THREE OR FOUR MONTHS” ma’am o no

tia witcher extraordinaire

@cursedhive

3 months

i’m crying at this

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@ambernoelle

3 years

I’m sorry, I’m just having one of those moments where I’m literally paralyzed by the horror of how we’re just continuing to do things and meanwhile 500,000 people aren’t here who were here a year ago

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@ambernoelle

3 years

Just remembering all the times when my mom would be like “you guys and your dad go without me, I’ll just stay here and read” and we truly felt sorry for her and WAIT A MINUTE

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

11 months

Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

I don’t know who needs to hear this but here’s some shit I mostly made up or half-heard somewhere and am now confidently sharing as though it were not only verified but crucial knowledge, buckle up because I’ve got seventy five angry tweets full of misinformation to write; A 🧵

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

Four-year-old: Are you going to be sad about your mom forever? Me: well, a little bit yes...but I’ll be happy again, too. It’s complicated. Four-year-old: You don’t have to be sad. I’ll be your mom now, I love you. Me: Oh that’s so nice Four-year-old: Your new mom wants candy

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

On the eve of the school year starting, I just want to point out that our society is relying on five-year-olds to be extra responsible and make safe personal choices, so that adults don’t have to take any responsibility at all

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I told my kid she was gonna be seeing a lot more people not wearing masks now and she was like “well that’s dumb because the cicadas are going to fly into their mouths”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

Someone needs to write a cookbook called Cooking with Existential Despair: When the World is Dying But you Still Have to Make Dinner

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@ambernoelle

6 years

Hello, a bee just flew directly into my mouth, explored for a sec, then flew back out - and I was so deadly calm during the whole procedure that I’m off to join the CIA now, goodbye, I see where my true talents lie

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 years

This poem never fails to destroy me. It’s one of the reasons I started writing poetry, a billion years ago.

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 months

So twist ending: it was the toddler who melted everyone’s heart because he was so damn happy to be flying in the air “WE ARE IN THE AIR MOMMY MOMMY DID YOU KNOW WE ARE IN THE AIR”

Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 months

About to fly to Minneapolis, can’t wait to see who wants to be the main character on this extremely full flight

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

11 months

I have never identified with anything more than this man’s absolute dismay at hearing there’s going to be a parade

Bleacher Report

@BleacherReport

11 months

Jokić was asked if he's looking forward to the Championship parade. "No. I need to go home." 🤣

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I think it should also be okay to say, “I had an abortion, and it was an easy decision.” I think that should be okay too.

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

The seven year old heard “Single Ladies” today when we were at the ice cream parlor and I had to show her a picture and explain who Beyoncé is. When we got home she handed me this note that I’m supposed to give to Beyoncé

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

I just want to say that if a lot of us olds seem extra depressed today it’s because in 2003 we bled and and wrote blogs and op-eds and marched and screamed against war and it did not do any good and we will do it again I promise but we have kids now and are very sad and tired

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

10 months

I’m can say I’m very glad I had my daughter, while also noting that my ribs permanently moved and they literally had to cut me open and remove my child and then sew me back up, we can hold two ideas at once

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 months

I keep seeing these countertop cutting videos and I just want to put on my union safety hat for a minute and say DO NOT FUCKING DO THIS, SILICA DUST IS INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS TO BREATHE AND YOU CAN GET SILICOSIS, AN INCURABLE AND OFTEN FATAL LUNG DISEASE

QENNY Boogeyman

@AKBrews

2 months

What the hell? Why would anyone do this?

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Me: Buys four thousand books Me: makes a delicious pot of coffee Me: sits in a comfy chair Me: cracks knuckles Me: opens a book ... Me: pIcKs uP My PhOnE

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

Why do men speak

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 months

People are always talking about how back in the day dads were breadwinners and moms stayed home and didn’t have to work and this is so untrue, moms stayed home but they still had to earn money so they forced to HUSTLE, selling Avon and Amway and Mary Kay and Tupperware and

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

6 months

Sometimes I want to email a kid’s parent and be like “listen, you should know that your daughter is on the cusp of being a mean girl, and while this may work out for her short term, you and she should really discuss whether she wants to be selling leggings for an MLM in 30 years”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 months

Kate and William spotted at the farmers’ market

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

19 days

I feel like it is in fact possible to enjoy Taylor’s music and also not be a Swiftie and also find her kind of cringe, we are out here

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 months

I am losing my mind at this grandmother omg

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

11 months

I do not understand how Hollywood apparently learned nothing (nothing!) from the huge vast insane popularity of Knives Out, a solid film that would have just been a normal film twenty years ago

Russell

@RussellFalcon

11 months

So many of Hollywood’s problems would be solved by simply making new and interesting $20-$40M thrillers for adults

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Book Twitter, meet this husband

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Call me crazy but i think someone should get to decide whether or not they want a different rib cage

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

8 months

What’s honestly still amazing to me is that studios looked at the phenomenal success of Titanic and didn’t say “oh my god, teenage girls went to this movie thirty times in theaters weeping into their popcorn over Kate and Leo,” no, they said “oh people really like big budget CGI”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

To be clear I fucking love the Victorian shit

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@ambernoelle

11 months

As a Gen Xer who grew up on processed food and hates sanctimony, it truly pains me to admit that every time I leave this country and eat nothing but the most fatty and yet not at all processed food, I lose weight and feel better

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@ambernoelle

3 years

Every few days now somebody posts a photo of an actor in the 70s or 80s with a caption like “HE WAS 37?!!” And yes sunscreen and no smoking and plastic surgery but honestly, I think most young people just have no idea that they used to allow average looking people on television

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Stop telling people in their forties that they look “great for their age,” normalize realizing forty is really not that old and most people in their forties do in fact look hot

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I think we need to invent a new kind of emotion for this stage of the pandemic, like emptysad, or ghost-tired

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 months

It’s so funny that dog owners are seen as down to earth and cat owners as snobby, when dog owners are like “oh what breed of beast shall we purchase, who were his parents” and cat owners are like “let’s adopt this beast we found in the trash eating Popeyes chicken”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

Lol my daughter told me lately at school recess she’s been gardening and I was like what and she said “I asked the recess teacher if I could just have a bit of earth”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

I’m not engaging with that person who just wants attention, but let me just say that not wanting children is absolutely the rational choice in a society that hates mothers, refuses to face down global warming, and lets children be gunned down on the regular

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Wow this is a wildly irresponsible magazine cover

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

Everyone keeps asking why Zoom hangouts are more exhausting than in-person hangouts and as a performer, I will tell you exactly why: you are giving energy, sending it out into the void, and you’re getting nothing back. It’s like performing for ghosts.

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Me when my child is explaining the rules of the game she just made up for us to play

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

10 months

Guys I do not know what crime I committed to deserve this but I have received the ugliest catalog I have ever seen and now that my eyeballs are permanently seared I need you to see it too, buckle up

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

Whenever my friends with toddlers are like “my child will remember THIS special trip, moment, person” I’m thinking in my head, “they will not, your child will remember precisely one thing from before they were four and that will be the time they puked on their friend in daycare”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

8 months

Like I have to make a very serious face and suggest constructive ways to train up Pokémon to be stronger; this is extremely difficult

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 months

Muppet Christmas Carol is the best Christmas Carol for many reasons, but maybe the best of them is that this film, populated almost entirely with muppets, uses more of Dickens’ actual text than almost any other film version

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Dude just yelled “nice ass” and I said “Jesus Christ I’m forty-three years old” and he seemed genuinely horrified; feel free to borrow this move, ladies

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

I don’t want to accuse my four-year-old of tripping balls but she did just close her eyes during dinner, open them, look around, and say “none of this is real. The chocolate milk, the broccoli, none of it”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I think the problem is that everybody needs gentleness right now and also everybody is too tired to be gentle with others

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

5 years

Me: Where is my four-year-old, she’s being awfully quiet, hmm Me: *Opens bedroom door, child is laying in bed looking at a plastic skull* Four-year-old: Can you close the door, I want to be alone with the skull

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

8 months

Idk I think the first sentence of Millie Bobby Brown’s book is pretty great tbh

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

People in DC who came from money are always like, wait, but you graduated with an English and Theater degree, why did you work at a used car dealership, and it’s like - it was a job, it was available, and it paid me!

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Next year I’m only reading women writers who spent a year and half not writing because they were getting snacks for their children every seven minutes instead

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Hi Covid here I have eaten the years that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for other shit Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so full of days

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

10 months

Honestly this thing was kind of great and I’d go back to it in a heartbeat

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

It’s also funny because when you work at these random jobs, temping or telemarketing or doing medical filing or whatever, there are all these people who also ended up there the same way. Career paths are for people who don’t have to pay bills right away!

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

I see this weird thing happening where people are like “everyone is vaccinated so now you’re a virtuous performer or a coward if you haven’t gone back to normal life” and it’s like they forgot that only fifty percent of the country is vaccinated, including NONE OF OUR CHILDREN

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Look I’m not trying to freak anyone out here but do people know that at four weeks postpartum many women are still wearing adult diapers because they are still bleeding so much from the traumatic act of childbirth? Or that women who had a c section still have trouble walking?

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

4 years

I’m sorry but to me the argument “but our kids are falling behind” just shows how beholden we are to metrics and testing and how little we’re concerned with children’s lives, happiness, and well-being.

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

I feel like people understand academically that Gen X watched a lot of TV but do not understand HOW much, like we literally came home from school everyday and sat ten inches from the television for three hours without moving an actual body part

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

7 months

This is her life. You only get one life and this is what she’s doing with it! This is it! What a sad miserable person!

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

The fact that in this country a man can have complete legal control over a THIRTY-NINE-YEAR-OLD woman’s money, medical and reproductive rights just because she had a mental breakdown a decade ago is so incredibly fucked up like just burn this patriarchy down please

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

1 year

Man, I would love to write a line in a short story half as good as Paul Simon’s “A man walks down the street He says, "Why am I soft in the middle, now?/ Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard”

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

Honestly I am so tired of hearing “we’re all doing our best” because well, some of us have been trying so fucking hard at great personal, mental and economic cost, and others have been partying and coughing on other people and voting for Trump

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Me: Did you kill a guy Six year old: No! … Six year old: do people bury dead bodies in the woods

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Gen Z I don’t believe you’re serious about your 90s love until you bring this haircut back challenge

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

2 years

Women: I’m sick, help Doctors: sorry but women’s health is an unknowable mystery, like the very darkest depths of the ocean Women: So are you doing research to know more? Doctors: lol no

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Amber Sparks

@ambernoelle

3 years

CASES ARE AS HIGH AS THEY WERE IN FEBRUARY HOW ARE WE SENDING OUR UNVACCINATED KIDS BACK TO SCHOOL WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE LAST LOST YEAR FOR

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