Ahamed Weinberg @ahamedweinberg Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

We're several days away from Applebee's introducing the Black Lives Platter

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 months

Someone please tell the terrorists to release the hostages or else the good guys will kill another 3,000 children

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

There’s nothing more dangerous than two men convincing each other they’re funny

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

When people do psychedelics they shouldn’t be allowed to talk about psychedelics for at least one year

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Richard did 45 minutes on my show and started his set by eating a banana and dropping the peel on stage. 45 minutes later he slipped on the peel and popped the fake blood capsule that was in his mouth the entire time. Through bloody teeth he thanked everyone for coming and left.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Me at 16: I hate jocks Me at 30: the key to mental health is regular exercise, sex, and time spent with friends

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Steve Bannon looks like the first guy to spill nachos on himself at a lynching

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

How long after life returns to normal will you be at a party and think “this sucks” maybe 2 weeks tops?

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

I heard in New York you can do five to ten zoom shows a night

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

Remember, you are nothing but a beautiful consciousness within a she'll she'll shell fuck autocorrect fuck everything

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

What are women always doing to their faces before bed and should I be doing that

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

I was lucky enough to create this piece for the brilliant @SarahKSilverman 's show I Love You, America. If you've ever wanted to see what my parents look like animated, now is your only chance.

I Love You America

@ilyamerica

7 years

. @ahamedweinberg tells the story of growing up white and Muslim in a post 9/11 America. A new #ILYAmerica is now streaming on @hulu .

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

The only radical thing about my mosque growing up were the kick flips I busted in the parking lot

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

9 months

My name is weird

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

The first thing that ever happened to me was a stranger cut off the tip of my penis

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Los Angeles has become a dystopian nightmare where hot people are still enjoying life against literally all odds

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 months

I don’t like the IDF

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

Every child has two Instagrams: one is nice and for family and friends and one is secret, has over 200k followers, and is called MySecretAss

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 months

Someone please tell the terrorists to release the hostages or else the good guys will kill another 4,000 children

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

If you’re a man with a red beard going to Denver is your birthright

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 months

Someone please tell the terrorists to release the hostages or else the good guys will kill another 10,000 children

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

My days are a slow process of looking at increasingly larger screens

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

"All you need is love" -Four very wealthy white men

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

I'm phone banking for philadelphia and literally everyone who answers their phone is eating a sandwich

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

9 years

Earth is probably the Florida of the universe

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

I’m running for mayor. #WeinbergForMayor 🎥: @mekkileeper

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

You haven't experienced humanity's full potential until you've eaten fish sticks at the aquarium

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

9 years

Imagine if you smiled at 5 strangers today. How would if affect your life? Or is it effect? Fuck this. Fuck everything.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Life in America is so good that my biggest fear is getting hit in the head by a bag of drugs

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Any bank is a sperm bank if you jack off in there

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

If you look at a transcript of Donald trump speaking it reads like a dog who the devil granted speech in exchange for his loyalty

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

This man I follow on Instagram is always posting accidentally cropped motivational posters. They make me laugh. Here are a few

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

The older I get the more I respect and honor Burbank

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

I want to start reading the newspaper but I'm just so far behind at this point

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

11 years

Gun control more like fun control am I white?

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

I asked the cashier at Starbucks if she gets paid enough to care if I stole a bag of coffee beans and she said “I wouldn’t care even if they paid me a million dollars”

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

I was raised muslim, bar mitzvah’d at 21 on birthright and got baptized on my 30th birthday last night. If I don’t get into heaven I’ll need to speak to the manager

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

If you ever feel isolated in LA just reach out to people and they're probably too busy to hang out but they get it

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

The guy who named flip flops and walkie talkies, that guy understands how to name things

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Wow I could fly from LA to Philly tomorrow for $18 and kill my entire family!

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

But other than that how was the cruise

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Here's my set from @LateNightSeth it was fun!!!

Ahamed Weinberg Stand-Up Performance

Comedian Ahamed Weinberg performs stand-up on Late Night with Seth Meyers.» Subscribe to Late Night: http://bit.ly/LateNightSeth» Get more Late Night with Se...

www.youtube.com

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Going to therapy is so weird bc ur day goes -Breakfast -Emails -Laundry -Lunch -How should I view this mirage through the prism of my consciousness?? -Did my mom purposefully destroy me?!? -Can I ever be truly content if there is no ultimate purpose to this????? -Date -Sleep

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Not funny this guy sucks etc etc 😊

Comedy Central Stand-Up

@standup

5 years

. @ahamedweinberg might have an explanation for one of Trump’s most famous lies.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

I don’t mean to be a Truther here but it seems like street sweeping was a huge scam and only needs to happen once a year maybe

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 months

Michael Rapaport but good

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

When a comedian dies people always say “make god laugh” but “bomb in hell” is another funny option

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

Being poor is very cool as long as it’s part of the story about how you got rich

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 months

Huge shoutout to the IDF for killing 8,000 innocent humans and pretty much zero terrorists responsible for Oct 7. Terrible military strategy. You think Hamas hangs out in the basement of every building in Gaza? You are the cause of rising antisemetism. You are death.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

"Love is all you need" -people with houses

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

I followed this guy for miles back to his home where I saw a family of guns enjoying dinner together talking respectfully about their different political opinions.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

My idea of being rich is having a six pack of sanpellegrino in the fridge and not even thinking about it all day

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

What do I do for a living? I buy things on amazon and then sell them on eBay. I AM my own boss. I MAKE my own hours. I do not make any MONEY. I live OUTSIDE the library.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Shoutout to everyone on my spirit flight. We took a huge gamble and almost died several times but in the end we saved about 30 bucks each

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Torn between starting a podcast or buying a gun

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

I saw Richard a few weeks ago walking in my neighborhood. He came in for a hug and I backed up and told him I had COVID. He laughed at me and made me feel better about everything. About this stupid virus and this dumb world. That’s who he was. I’ll miss you buddy.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

Shoutout to that happy spot between being extremely poor and extremely rich where you don't need Buddhism

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

I love Tik Tok 📸 @MekkiLeeper

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

If that was Good Charlotte I don’t even wanna MEET Bad Charlotte

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

The coolest thing about baby yoda is realizing that yodas fuck eachother

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

Products always say “apply a liberal amount” so I apply an amount that seems generous but is actually very selfish

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Corona Stickup

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 months

Gun Control

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

9 months

Funny Suicide

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

It's all the same. Don't be greedy, don't hurt others, don't praise yourself. Be small. Help those who are smaller. God is inside you.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Spaghetti is just alphabet soup written in Arabic

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

I became a vegan the same way everyone becomes a vegan: I was dating one and they broke up with me and now I pretend I did it for myself

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

Turns out the opiate of the masses is actually opiates

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

8 years

There's a special place for monsters like Bill Cosby and Woody Allen and that place is the Hollywood Walk of Fame

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

I went vegan only a few months ago and I’ve already lost over 80 thousand dollars

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

If you haven’t lost your mind by now you’re fucking insane

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 months

I am the most successful male comedian of all time

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Richard Bain was there when you needed him most. Outside the shitty open mic, joking around, laughing, reminding you why comedy was fun. It would inspire you to keep going. He was a generous spirit and made everyone feel special. I hope I was there for him as well.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

If you’re rich and unhappy then fuck you

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 months

I went on birthright and experienced the most advanced brainwashing techniques and they didn’t work on me. What I’m saying is I didn’t get laid on birthright.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

9 years

Being religious is like your teacher never shows up for class, because he doesn’t exist, but you're still studying SO hard for the exam.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

The best heckle I’ve ever heard was when a girl said “I want tiramisu” at average volume

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Tonight!!

Late Night with Seth Meyers

@LateNightSeth

7 years

TONIGHT! Seth welcomes @KellyRipa , @TheFredSavage and comedian @ahamedweinberg ! Plus, #JokesSethCantTell !

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Blaming Islam for radical Islamic terrorism is like blaming every sperm in your dad's cumshot for how stupid you turned out

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

6 years

The worst part of Buddhism is how it convinces wealthy people they're suffering

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

9 years

One of my favorite things to do is curl up with a good book, read 1 page of it, and then waste my entire life on social media.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Sometimes you need to unplug, get off the grid, put down the phone, and just spend some quality time on your laptop

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

North Korea sounds way cooler if you call it NoKo

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Joe Biden will be the first candidate in history to totally space out on voting for himself

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

The problem with weed is that one night you’ll have a genius thought and the next morning you’ll find a note that says “there’s a lot of people”

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Tonight !!!!

The Late Show

@colbertlateshow

5 years

TONIGHT: Anchor of the @cbseveningnews , @NorahODonnell is here! Then @TopherGrace stops by to talk about his role in @blackmirror followed by stand-up comedy from @ahamedweinberg ! #LSSC

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Podcasting is like sex. It’s bad why do we do that.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

Did you guys see this Bernie thing where he’s wearing gloves?

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Every Audition in Seven Months

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

The secret to success is manifesting two rich parents

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

Houston this weekend!

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

Fuckin A, man. Fuckin B, man. Fuckin C… -guy in the bronx learning the alphabet

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

My favorite part of dining is when the waiter, behind a face shield and surgical mask, lets you know how fresh the tuna is

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Just got invited to a party should I call the cops

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

5 years

Computer on your lap: laptop Computer on your desk: desktop Computer on your hand: handtop From now on this is a handtop. Spread the word.

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

7 years

Wow!! This is the actual napkin on which @jk_rowling conceived the Harry Potter series

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

3 years

I hope Biden doesn’t get cold feet

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Ahamed Weinberg

@ahamedweinberg

4 years

Using your unemployment check to help bail out protestors is the only thing that makes sense right now

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