Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

50,113

Followers

1,629

Following

335

Media

4,965

Statuses

🌴 comedian | writer | etc. 🌴

Los Angeles, CA

https://t.co/FIBpqLmczU

Joined January 2010

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

4 years

My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!” Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

A guy my age was telling me how happy he was that his wife just gave birth to their fourth child then was like “sorry, don’t mean to brag” and it’s like, oh no worries, your life literally sounds terrible to me

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

I asked my dad what he’s doing for Valentine’s Day and he said “your mom and I have been married 40 years so we don’t care about stuff like that” then I asked my mom what she’s doing for Valentine’s Day and she said “idk but I hope your dad has something fun planned!”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like "wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years" and it's like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn't know

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

job description: must be willing to work in a fast-paced unpredictable high-energy environment the environment:

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

a friend of mine was like “being 27 is weird because it means you’re not a kid but you’re also not quite an adult” and it’s like, actually dude, being 27 means you’re FOR SURE an adult

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall which is kinda like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” yeah, that was when i felt joy for the only time in my adult life

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

my girlfriend just asked me why I still pay rent for my apartment when I spend every night at her place so now I have to come up with an answer that somehow doesn’t include the phrase “breakup insurance”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

I’m 5’10 and my girlfriend’s little sister just introduced me to her “6’3 boyfriend” and, wouldn’t ya know it, we’re the same height

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my girlfriend was like “i’m proud of myself because i didn’t spend any money today” and i don’t know how to point out that’s only because i bought all her food

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

4 years

no one: claudia conway: so this what the inside of Area 51 looks like

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

trump announcing he's running for president one week before we have to see all our uncles at thanksgiving is arguably the most twisted thing he's ever done

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

me: a beloved member of my family died college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

being unemployed is like “hey, what if doing whatever you want all day was somehow stressful???”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

boss: lunch is unpaid because that time is totally yours me: in that case, can i take my lunch at the end of the day so i can leave an hour early? boss: absolutely fucking not

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

sometimes i think i don’t have social anxiety but then i remember the time an ice cube got stuck in my throat at a party but i was too embarrassed to ask for help so i just stood choking silently in the corner and waited for it to melt as my life flashed before my eyes

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

my relationship has faced no bigger threat than my girlfriend watching teenagers on tiktok go all out for valentine’s day

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

people said trump would be good for comedy and now it’s four years later and i’ve seen literally every late-night host cry

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

"can you explain this gap in your resume?" oh, yeah, that's when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

i told my dad he should go to therapy and he mockingly said “oh, what for, so i can talk about how my mommy and daddy didn’t hug me enough?” and it’s like, damn, did you just deny that you need therapy by sarcastically stating exactly why you need therapy?

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my therapist was like "it seems like you push away people who try to help you" and it's like, okay, first of all, you're fired

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

There’s a contestant on Too Hot To Handle who just hangs out in the background, never participates in any drama, and just says “no thank you” whenever a guy tries to flirt with her and it’s like, good for you lady, keep enjoying your free vacation.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

I told a friend of mine that I’m nervous about turning 30 and he was like “if it makes you feel any better, I’ve thought you were 30 this entire time”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

every article now is like “why working from home sucks and healthcare is overrated (written by jeff bezos wearing a wig and a fake mustache)”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

they say “how to turn your side hustle into your main source of income” because it’s less dystopian than saying “how to use your hobbies to afford food”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

millennials love picking a movie they watched once as a kid that has a 20% on Rotten Tomatoes and then making it their entire personality

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

me: *drifting off, about to fall asleep* my gf: i hope that whenever i die, you die at the exact same time

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

dads will see an overwhelmed exasperated underpaid waiter and think “i bet what they really need rn is to riff with a stranger”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my gf: *laughs at everything because she’s smoked a ton of weed and is higher than anyone’s ever been* me: i am the funniest person of all time

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

people in the military will wear their uniform to their wedding and it’s like… dude, why? those are your work clothes. imagine if every cashier at target insisted on getting married in the big red vest.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

i told someone i grew up in the midwest and they were like “does that mean your family like went to olive garden all the time?”and it’s like, no, we obviously didn’t go to olive garden all the time… we saved it for special occasions.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

my wife keeps trying to have sex with me and it’s just like “i’m sorry but how would that further the plot? how would that move the story forward????”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

Taylor Swift got more hate for singing songs about dating guys in her twenties than Woody Allen got hate for making movies about dating teens in his forties.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

“i only need 4 hours of sleep a night and i’m good!” - the crankiest person you’ve ever met

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

I live with my girlfriend in her house rent-free which means that, whenever I want to argue with her about something, I simply don’t.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

so many “9-5” jobs are really “9-whenever enough of your coworkers leave that you no longer feel guilty about calling it a day” jobs

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my boss accused me of “quiet quitting” and it’s like, no i am not, i’m just genuinely bad at my job

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

Netflix documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

People claim New York has better bagels than LA but I’ve been to Panera in both cities and I literally cannot taste a difference

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

"i didn't know that person had rich parents" really you never noticed they're always free at 1pm on weekdays

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

I was talking to my mom and at one point I mentioned James Franco and she goes "'James Franco?' Is that like Dave Franco's brother?" and I just hope that somewhere, somehow Dave Franco realizes that he finally did it

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

she's a 6 but she's a single mom who works 2 jobs who loves her kids and never stops with gentle hands and the heart of a fighter

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

“your 30s are your new 20s” - a 30 yr old who wants to keep doing cocaine

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” yeah that was when i was undercover as my ex-wife’s kindly british nanny so i could secretly spend time with my kids

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

whenever a new celebrity joins tiktok it’s like “okay so I see someone’s manager finally won that argument”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

people will go to great lengths to not admit they’re dating someone stupid, like my friend just said her boyfriend is “quirky” because he gets “confused when restaurant menus have a lot of words” and it’s like, ma’am, are you saying HE CANNOT READ???

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

when i told my girlfriend i quit my job and was unemployed, she said “great! now is finally the time we can take a trip!!!” and, it’s like, what about what i just told you made you think now is the time for me to spend thousands of dollars???

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

a friend of mine said he’s “going through a breakup” after he got caught cheating on his gf with her roommate which is kinda like shooting someone in the face then saying “yeah, i’m actually going through a pretty tough murder rn.”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

Reminder for people

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

“don’t get me started!” - someone who’s been ‘started’ for like 20 minutes

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

my gf to me: don’t worry about it it’s literally no big deal my gf to her girls groupchat:

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

i hate when people are like “you got the vaccine so i guess you just do everything the government tells you to do!” cuz it’s like, excuse me, but i have not skipped 40 consecutive student loan payments just to be painted as a simp for authority.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

people act like you have to be cool to date in high school as if theater kids aren’t throwing themselves into new love triangles every other day just for the drama of it

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

every group of white guys has one short stocky member whose entire role is to just get hammered and sweat more than the rest of them

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

Jeff Bezos is like “aren’t you jealous that I can go to space???” and it’s like, no dude, we’re jealous you can go to the hospital.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

"did you know there's actually more sugar in fruit than in soda?" did you know i'm actually hanging on by a thread as it is?

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

just concluded a work email by saying "no hurries no worries!" and now i want to sprint into the sea

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

the phrase “suicide by cop” was for sure invented by a cop. like “oh no, i didn’t murder this person, they just murdered themselves with me!”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

5 years

Male writers often struggle writing female characters but luckily I grew up with sisters so I'm able to craft rich realistic dialogue for my female characters such as "leave us alone you dumb idiot" or "fuck off back to your room you stupid dumb idiot."

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

when a child is a piano prodigy it’s like “wow they’re so talented and also their parents should probably be in jail”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

me: *drifting off, about to fall asleep* my gf: so what three things do you hate most about me???

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

“haha lol that’s just great” -me after reading my gf’s tweet about her dating a boring ugly guy who’s bad at sex

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

i made my sick girlfriend a hot tea and she took one sip then said "god...i just wish my mom was here" and it's like, okay, fuckin' roast me why don't you

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

wait a minute, who let this LITTLE TEENAGE BOY into the Met Gala???

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

I’m finally financially independent from my parents!!! all it took was hard work, discipline, and becoming financially dependent on my girlfriend.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

i asked my girlfriend to skip a song on an album and she was like “you’ll never discover music that pushes boundaries if you just keep gravitating toward the singles” which maybe was a good point except the album we were listening to was the soundtrack to the Hannah Montana movie

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

“can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as i can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

1 year

i told a 30 yr old they need to move on from Harry Potter and they were like “to what? Percy Jackson?” and it’s like, no, to STARTING A FAMILY

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

mock adam levine all you want… you’re gonna feel pretty silly when he uses all this as inspiration to write one of the worst hit songs of all time

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

i used my girlfriend’s expensive body wash that she told me not to use and then it immediately made me break out so, yes, god is a woman and karma is real

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

the “acclaimed broadway show” to “worst movie you’ve ever seen” pipeline

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

no, i don’t go to church. why would i wanna listen to a virgin mansplain his favorite book?

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

Catholicism is like “DON’T DO DRUGS! DON’T HAVE SEX! AND DEFINITELY DON’T ᵍᵒᵒᵍˡᵉ “ᵗʰᵉ ᶜʳᵘˢᵃᵈᵉˢ”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

4 years

How They Cast “Lord of the Rings”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my girlfriend was chugging an energy drink on the way to the gym and I asked “what if that gives you a heart attack at LA Fitness?” and she said “then take my body to Equinox so people think I died somewhere cool.”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

my girlfriend’s teenage sister called me “cringe” and now i’m imagining trying to explain to anyone over the age of 30 what a devastating death blow that was to my self-esteem

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

dads will be like “i may not have been the perfect parent but i always tried my barely!”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my boss was like “can you explain why you took this Sick Day?” and it’s like, dude, it’s literally in the title

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

romcoms are like “HE is the misogynist CEO of a corporation that bulldozes orphanages to build banks for the military… SHE loves arts & crafts a little more than the average person… They BOTH have flaws.”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

I told my girlfriend that I wanted us to watch a Marvel movie together and she was like “I’d honestly rather you just cheat on me”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” yes, i forgot to make up a lie for that part

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

my rule when it comes to dating is that as soon as you start sending “what do you think this means?” screenshots to all your friends, it’s time to just stop.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

every time I hear my parents fight, I learn something new about them. like one time I heard my dad go “screw you, I could’ve been a PAINTER!” and it’s like, damn, who knew painting was ever on the table

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

I used to hate rich people but then I started dating one and now I still hate rich people but I just hate prenups more.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

unhealthy relationships are all about gaslighting (making someone feel crazy when they’re being normal) but healthy relationships are all about reverse-gaslighting (making someone feel normal when they’re being obviously insane)

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

"may we contact your previous employer?" sure but first let me text some totally unrelated instructions to my roommates and close personal friends

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

he’s a 10 but he has a portrait of himself hidden in his attic that gets uglier every time he commits a sin

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

they say you’re supposed to spend three months salary on an engagement ring but they never say which three months. i’m going with the summer i was unemployed.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

@mayaisfiya Haha I did finish the show! She gets sent home for not participating but she still got a good 3 episodes worth of an all-expense-paid stay at a resort!

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

I accidentally drove the wrong way in the Trader Joe’s parking lot and my girlfriend in the passenger seat shared a split-second of “what is this guy doing?” eye contact with a man in another car and I’ve truly never been more worried about her cheating on me.

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

watching “Glee”

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

(For fans of the show, I am referring to Kayla)

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

3 years

any movie can be a Christmas movie as long as your family is arguing in the background

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

“your student loan payments will restart in january” hmmm, idk, something tells me they won’t

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@_RobertSchultz

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

2 years

i would never lovebomb a girl. that’s why i tell my gf everything i hate about her every time i see her.

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