Hey gang.
I'm going (mostly) dark on social media effective tomorrow. Main reasons are:
1. I'm way too busy in this season as a full-time, late(ish)-stage Phd student, part-time employee, & father to three small kids.
2. I almost never feel better after spending time on here.
Christian men should have female friends, actually.
We should also be wise and attentive to appropriate boundaries (sexual and otherwise) in all relationships. But authentic Christian community can't exist as long as we view male-female friendship as inherently dangerous.
A huge percentage of people who "deconstruct" are trying to save their faith, not abandon it. They're reevaluating the relationship between the Christian culture and Christianity itself because they *don't* want to lose faith in Jesus.
That this probably was intended as a showcase of manly virtue is genuinely disturbing.
Women don't randomly walk up to married men and proposition them for sex. Evangelical pastors are literally the only people in the world I have ever heard publicly tell stories like this.
Beware teachers who preach a "biblical" vision of masculinity that is eager to identify with Christ's power, authority, strength, and triumph while hesitant to imitate Christ in his meekness, submission, weakness, and humiliation.
Being a Christian man isn't primarily about being strong or being a leader.
It's about being a man who's loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, & self-controlled.
A man who's poor in spirit, meek, hungry for righteousness, pure in heart, a peacemaker.
'Biblical manhood' bros:
"The church / country needs strong, bold, manly men like Jesus and Paul who are ready to fight!"
Literally Jesus:
"I am gentle and lowly of heart."
"If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also."
"Put your sword away."
Honestly pretty tired of the video-games-are-ruining-boys narrative.
Everywhere boys turn they meet shame. Games are, for many boys, their only refuge. A rare place they feel accepted or that they're excellent at something.
Then we shame those boys for playing games so much.
It is good for you as a man to become practiced at being in loving relationships with women that you're not romantically interested in or married to. It is a way of honoring women as created in the image of God, and it will shape you into a better friend and husband.
There's just, like, no data to support it.
What the NT *does* do is challenge a lot of prevailing notions of masculinity. It almost completely devalues physical strength––"God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong" (1 Cor 1:27; cf. 2 Cor 12:9).
To this day, a pretty scary amount of Christian dudes still think that becoming more "manly" is either at the center or close to the center of Christian discipleship.
Genuine question. If TVC can't trust the congregation/the public with even some semblance of a coherent narrative to make sense of what happened with Chandler, how are congregants and the wider church supposed to trust them that Chandler is fit to resume ministry leadership? 🧵
As I've reflected, studied, and written on masculinity over the past couple years, it never ceases to amaze me how the "Christian" vision of masculinity I saw championed as a boy/young adult is completely absent from the New Testament.
I've contracted with
@ivpress
to write a book on the connections between purity culture, toxic masculinity, abuse scandals in the church, and male sexual brokenness in the Christian subculture. Excited and terrified. Prayers appreciated!
But this false gospel of manliness remains extremely popular despite its lack of scriptural support.
Why?
Because men enjoy hearing it. Men enjoy hearing that what Christianity is *really* all about is being strong. Or being in charge. Or being entitled to marital sex, etc.
Jesus tells Peter to put his sword away (Matt 26:52), undermining stereotypically male values of violence, warfare and self-determination. Jesus demonstrates immense restraint in the exercise of power available to him (Matt 26:53, cf. Phil 2).
Freedom (as opposed to slavery) was a huge masculine value in the ancient world. Servants were thus considered to be less masculine. But Jesus says he did not come to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45). Paul also talks about himself as a servant. Not exactly hyper-masculine.
Pastors, authors, and plenty of people on this website continue to preach about how boys and men need to "man up" and then somehow, magically, everything bad (or "woke") in the church and the culture will go away.
This is the gospel according to Peterson, Driscoll, etc.
And if you believe that some sort of loss of "traditional" masculine values is at the root of everything ailing our society, you're of course very much entitled to that opinion.
I'm just trying to point out that there's nothing necessarily biblical about that view.
The initial assessment of the way she looked is a textbook hypersexualized every-man's-battle lens of viewing women. It's dehumanizing and it isn't something that Christians should tolerate from their leaders.
Hyper-cautious Xian gender sorting marginalizes women, buys into a cultural/Freudian narrative that all relationships are erotic/sexual, and smacks of a wishful-thinking naive heteronormativity.
It *teaches* men to be hypersexual, perpetuating the problem it proposes to solve.
Buuuuutt people still out here talking about how the church is suffering because men aren't being manly enough and how Christianity has always had a masculine "feel".
While this gospel may tickle men's ears, it's not what we find in the NT.
Manliness, per se, is not a Christian virtue. Sometimes––depending on your cultural or subcultural standard of masculinity––it may even be a vice.
Death by crucifixion was maximally emasculating by design. So, Christians walking around claiming a crucified messiah would have made the gospel an especially *effeminate* message to many hearers in the first century.
The beginning of the gospel in Exodus 3 looks like this: "I have surely seen the affliction of my people and have heard their cry. I know their suffering, and I have come down to deliver them."
I for one would like to see more Christian *men* telling
@JPokluda
that the way he spoke about women from the pulpit last week was not okay.
And, btw, receiving criticism for dehumanizing comments is not an "evil" attack.
"Evangelicals are quick to label their values ‘biblical,’ but how they interpret the scriptures, which parts they decide to emphasize and which parts they decide to ignore, all this is informed by historical and cultural circumstances." qt. by
@kkdumez
It never ceases to amaze me that there are still so many "biblical authority" dudes out here preaching and writing entire books about how "manly" Jesus is and how the church's only hope is strong men.
Where is the biblical support for this idea?
The household codes exhort husbands towards "love" not "leadership".
Other male-specific exhortations are almost completely absent from the NT, and possible candidate passages are pretty generic, like "treat other Christians like family" (e.g. 1 Tim 5:1–2).
The virtues that Christians are exhorted toward (like the fruits of the Spirit), have a decidedly feminine slant by today's standards. And it's extremely difficult to produce a single NT passage that exhorts men specifically to act more "manly".
This culture of fear teaches men that they are would-be predators and women that they are would-be seductresses.
And it looks absolutely nothing like the ministry of Jesus or the earliest descriptions of Christian community.
But the gospel wasn't just unmasculine in its original context. It challenges and overturns many of the masculine values that prevail in some conservative Christian circles today.
Xian gender segregation also communicates to women that the best way they can serve their community is by shutting up and leaving men alone––that their presence and input is unwelcome and unhelpful.
Not exactly a robust vision for using your gifts to build up the body of Christ.
Not all relational intimacy is erotic/sexual––most isn't, actually! We intuitively understand this when we think about siblings––which is, you know, exactly the metaphor used to describe male-female relationships in the New Testament.
But this is how you read the world if you're conditioned to believe that members of the opposite sex are dangerous and any interaction has an ulterior motive that's sexual.
Don't flatter yourself guys.
(And before anyone comes at me with 1 Cor 16:13, I'd just say quickly that this is addressed to both men and women and that what Paul's saying about strength should be read in light of what he says elsewhere in the letter [and in 2 Cor] about power, strength, etc.)
I've been hesitant to re-engage the Josh Butler stuff because I don't want to beat a dead horse.
But as I've recently seen a lot of doubling down, I just want to go on record, again, and say that this semen-centric theology is dangerous and misogynistic.
Ladies, if you're in a relationship with a man who talks about marriage as the solution to his struggle with porn, masturbation, etc.––Run.
You're a human being created in the image of God. Not a God-approved outlet for a sexually immature man's lust problem.
Men *need* intimate relationships with women. And women *need* intimate relationships with men. Not just for procreation or marriage. But also for fulfilling the cultural mandate and the great commission. This is what it means to be human. This is what it means to be the church.
Embodied male advantage counts for a lot. And it can so easily be leveraged for dehumanizing and abusive ends.
A pregnant woman alone in a confrontation w/ an angry and unreasonable man has no good options for self-advocacy or even guaranteeing her and her child's bodily safety.
There is no right to sex––nor should there be. Not for men. Not for women. Not for single people. Not for married people.
All forms of sexual entitlement are toxic, & the commodification of sex is a social ill, full stop.
The masculine urge to take my kids on a walk, cook them dinner, bathe them, read them stories, put them to bed, AND do the dishes––all while my wife is out working at her dream job.
It seems that we're having issues with the definition of "purity culture" again.
Just going to say that church leaders seeking to address the sexual abuse crisis should be very careful about making unqualified (apparently positive) statements about the 90s-00s purity movement.
Christian dudes: aside from expressing sorrow, outrage, shock, etc.––what are you *actually doing* about widespread sexual harassment and abuse in the church?
Are you questioning your assumptions? Are you reading books written by survivors? Are you going to therapy?
Grateful for the chance to contribute to the new issue of
@CTmagazine
out today.
I argue that various crises abuse, dysfunction, and sexual violence in the church are downstream from a theologically deficient understanding of what it means to be male.
I'm not saying that Chandler is obviously disqualified; I'm saying I literally have no idea whether he is or not. And all I have to go on is the word of a few good (male) friends of his.
What I do know is that my trust of the institution is shot. 6/13
Sigh.
At the risk of seeming self-promotional, I'm just gonna put out there for
@PatrickKMiller_
and
@PrestonSprinkle
that I would be very happy to join either of you for an interview if you're looking for a different male perspective/angle on sex, sexuality, and masculinity.
In his statement Chandler seemed grieved at the thought that his "foolishness" might have hindered the faith of some people. Has TVC leadership considered that his speedy return from an under-defined sin through an under-defined process may itself undermine people's faith? 9/13
Addendum:
This isn't meant as a direct comment on Matt Chandler & the appropriateness of that relationship or the discipline.
I try to avoid speculation, but any way I spin it, that situation is concerning. Still, I'm trying to reserve some judgment until we know more.
That, yes, toxic masculinity is a HUGE problem in the evangelical subculture (I wrote a book about it, ya know).
BUT there are many men in the church (including many conservative evangelicals) who are genuinely kind, empathetic, loving, and respectful of women.
In a cultural climate where trust of pastors and church leadership has been so badly eviscerated, can churches really afford to say, "Just trust us; everything's fine now." 3/13
When key information is withheld such that it prevents congregants and outside critics from making any informed judgment about the situation––this communicates that power preservation is more important than people's trust of those in power. 4/13
Women like
@LauraRbnsn
,
@albpeeler
,
@sheilagregoire
,
@MuiRebekah
, and
@CJHemphill4
have collectively put a gargantuan amount of work into responding and highlighting problems they see. And the way they continue to be shrugged off and dismissed by many is honestly pretty tacky.
And the fact that the congregation seems to have welcomed him back with open arms gives me no comfort whatsoever. I've spent time inside a megachurch culture where even the glaring flaws of leaders are drowned out by thunderous applause... 7/13
I didn't feel brave. I felt helpless. Helpless because I wanted to help a helpless woman and wasn't sure how I could. The way abusers deprive those around them of power & control is terrifying.
I settled for staring and telling him to leave her alone. It didn't feel like enough.
Literally, Paul:
"God has chosen the weak things of this world to shame the strong."
"He was crucified in weakness... likewise we are weak in him."
"I delight in weaknesses... For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Yes, there's a sexual/spiritual abuse crisis in the evangelical church. This has naturally led to a crisis of trust––which has in turn led to a crisis of faith for so many. You can't address the abuse crisis without also addressing the crisis of trust. 12/13
It's so shortsighted. Protecting the institution/leaders is prioritized over congregants and their ability to be and feel safe in the community. But, ironically, this undermines the institution in the long run. Big "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" vibes. 5/13
@LauraRbnsn
Yep. Was trying to think of a delicate way to say this earlier today and I couldn't.
If women talked for two seconds about men's bodies the way men talk about theirs we would immediately see how gross and downright weird this is.
Um?
Here's how I define PC in my book:
"Purity culture refers to the theological assumptions, discipleship materials, events, and rhetorical strategies used to promote traditional Christian sexual ethics in response to the sexual revolution."
(Non-Toxic Masculinity, p. 19)
Many critics of purity culture don’t seem to appreciate the extent to which evangelical discipleship around sex was a reaction to the wider culture throwing off all sexual restraint.
I've worked hard to withhold judgment on this one because the details are so sparse, but that's at the end of the day what makes the situation so unsettling. 2/13
So. If it's gotta be a male, evangelical-ish perspective––here I am. Not looking to dunk on Butler or anything like that. Just hoping to continue the "robust dialogue" and show that there are men out there trying to think and talk about this differently.
I cannot overstate how urgent it is that the church elevate its public discourse on sex and gender to the level of basic respect for bodies and persons. These past couple weeks have shown us again how dehumanizing and downright weird this stuff can be.
If you care about people's spiritual well being, not to mention their *physical* well-being, it's not enough to just address abuse when it happens. It's not even enough to take proactive steps to prevent abuse and make cultural changes. You *must* also work to restore trust. end/
Or else what...?
This may seem like harmless advice on the surface, but it betrays and perpetuates a pornified view of marital sex that can get pretty toxic pretty quick.
(🧵)
The Kingdom of God is not characterized by a reaffirmation of worldly power or manly strength. On the contrary, it is characterized by a rejection of all forms of worldly strength and domination. In Jesus' new upside-down world, the last are first; the weak are strong.
There are so many wounded people out here. This is a time for more honesty and more transparency, not less. We not only need to take accusations of impropriety/abuse seriously (which, possibly to their credit, it appears TVC was trying to do here)... 10/13
If you want to become a more godly man, don't focus on being stronger or more assertive.
Instead, seek the Kingdom of God. Pursue faith, hope, and love. Reject worldly power. Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly. Be a servant of all. Pick up your cross. Lay yourself down.
I'm especially worried about the perpetuation of a narrative that criticism and concern is coming only from prudes or liberal feminists. Or even that it's coming just from women.
There are men out here who were immediately and continue to be concerned about this conversation.
When I set out to write this book in the wake of news about Ravi Zacharias, Josh Duggar, and the Atlanta spa shootings in early 2021, I honestly wondered whether the topic would still be relevant by the time it would be released. 🧵
I really don't know what else to say about that video. The raw power differential is so thick it's unbearable to watch. The absolute helplessness of a woman sharing space with a man who won't let up and who you aren't sure won't hurt her.
I may or may not have just ruined my second cup of tea this morning by pouring CHICKEN STOCK into it instead of almond milk.
Seriously, Costco, what on earth were you thinking making these look so similar?!
I know what it feels like to have doubts, be reassured that everything's fine, listen to another good sermon, then experience the unsettling catharsis of "okay, yeah, I guess we're all good."––only to watch the whole thing explode further down the line. 8/13
we also need to think so so carefully about how processes of investigation, communication, and "restoration" either rebuild or continue to undermine trust. 11/13
Well, gang.
@TGC
's (Shane Morris) review of Non-Toxic Masculinity hit today and it's... interesting.
I definitely have some thoughts, but I'm gonna let them percolate a bit before deciding whether to offer anything by way of response.
NON-TOXIC MASCULINITY officially releases today!
It's been a long journey here for this first-time author. I hope the book proves helpful, healing, and re-humanizing––and that it might play some role in changing conversations on sex, masculinity, and abuse in the church.
Sometimes I think the reason certain Christians fixate on the theological significance of sex has more to do with the shame we feel about sex/sexual desire than any actual typology present in the Bible.
If we can connect sex to God it makes us feel less guilty about wanting it.