Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

This Notre Dame Fire turned into people bragging about their vacations to Paris very quickly

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

you're totally allowed to say "I actually don't know enough about that issue to have an opinion"

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

I’m hearing a lot of “so men are just supposed to be scared of women now?” I mean, if that’s what needs to happen for you to be cool to us, maybe. We’ve been scared of you for like six thousand years. You’ll get used to it after a while.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

If you’re offended by jokes I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to cope with facts

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I am not watching the Golden Globes live but based on how pissed off everyone is my guess is that Ricky Gervais wrote and performed actual jokes

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

You are not a hypocrite if you change your mind after getting new information

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Hey everyone you can reveal your babies gender with a mass text

New York Post

@nypost

5 years

Plane crashes after unloading 350 gallons of pink water in gender reveal stunt

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Now I'm getting threatened with "we have access to your iCloud." I'll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I'm way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I've screen grabbed.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

When you call a woman “a lot” there’s a strong chance you may just be a little

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

2 years

Don’t look to why so many people trust joe Rogan, look to why so few people trust the mainstream media

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

It’s like it picked the celebrity we cared the most about to make a point

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Maternity leave is not a vacation Maternity leave is not a vacation Maternity leave is not a vacation Maternity leave is not a vacation

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Maybe part of the problem is that calling it “climate change” doesn’t sound urgent enough to rich people. How about we call it “it’s gonna be too hot for you to golf.”

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

To all the male comics texting me, thank you for the private support

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I wonder what the guy who was punching the back of the airplane seat is doing for Valentine’s Day

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Next time you feel bad about yourself, remember: some people buy Instagram followers

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I mean Tom Hanks is who would play the guy in the movie about Coronavirus

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

I’m just finding out the Amazon rainforest has been on fire for 16 days but every news outlet has made time to cover that it’s the 30th anniversary of Saved By the Bell. Happy Apocalypse everyone!

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST FACETIME PEOPLE WITHOUT A HEADS UP

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I don’t care how bored you are. Do not text your ex.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

2 years

Comedians did not sign up to be your hero. It’s our job to be irreverent and dangerous, to question authority and take you through a spooky mental haunted house so you can arrive at your own conclusions. Stay focused on the people we pay taxes to to be moral leaders.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I'm going to be the shittiest Handmaid.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Happy fathers day unless you're a fuckin' creep

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

When a guy is called a bitch it means he’s too weak, when a women is called a bitch it means she’s too aggressive - do any of us have any idea what this word even means?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

is "waiting for it to get dark" considered a hobby?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

If a female tennis player is emotionally reactive it costs her a tennis game, if a man is emotionally reactive he’s elected president?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

When a woman in the public eye is extorted, we have to spend time, money and energy dealing with it, hiring lawyers and security experts, and living with a pit in our stomach about when and how we will be humiliated. Y’all can have my nipple, but not my time or money anymore.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I saw those Italy videos of people singing so I started singing to my neighbor and she told me to shut the fuck up

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Thank you everyone who sent me embarrassing pictures of yourselves to make me feel better about my embarrassing photo. It means the world to me, but I wouldn't freak out if you stopped sending me photos of your hairy balls.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

For anyone who wants to call @rickygervais mean: he's done more for animal welfare than most celebrities combined 😉

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

has anyone watched an instagram live then afterwards been like "that was worth it"

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

I’m ignoring the news and watching this on a loop instead

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

Pretty amazing that Brett Kavanaugh can remember names of 65 women he knew in high school thirty-five years ago, but not whether or not he had a conversation about Robert Mueller in the past year.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

3 years

I’m watching The Crown - disappointed by the lack of diversity in this cast

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

People in LA are so desperate for food that they’re actually starting to eat bread

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

you are not a hero for posting a photo of yourself without make up on

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY MEAN THINGS BECAUSE THEY’RE SAD

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I don’t get how Melania got it - she’s been social distancing from trump since they got married

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Wait @chrissyteigen is a “sell out” because all her books and products sell out because people like them so much?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

This is happening right now in front of me at JFK. What do I do? Call the police?!

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

2 years

I’m starting to think maybe Twitter isn’t a SAFE SPACE for comedy?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

How are all these women so pissed off about wearing masks okay with wearing underwire push up bras and thongs

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

If you’re mad at a comedian at this point, it probably just means they’re funny

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Tick Tok is making perfectly hot dads completely unfuckable

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

I woke up to so much support around the nipple photo incident. It means the world to me and I’m sorry that the pic I had to release looks like I’m having a home birth.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

For every second you spend complaining about Ricky Gervais jokes you should have have to donate 100 dollars to Australia

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

You can treat 65 women with respect and still sexually assault a woman who wasn't one of those 65 women. Is this actually confusing to people?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

1) In April I accidentally posted an insta story that showed nipple. Once I realized, I deleted. The people who took screen grabs are trying to get money from me, some said they have offers to sell them, some are asking for money to not post the photo.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

2 years

I mean, it's amazing that twitter attacking comedians for making jokes here about last night don't see that they're doing the same shit Will did last night. When people take jokes literally, society is just over.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Every Zoom should be a phone call and every phone call should be a text

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

This is what a true friend looks like.

bert kreischer

@bertkreischer

5 years

#IStandWithWhitney Hey @WhitneyCummings I hate what those dorks tried to do to you – here’s an embarrassing picture of my testicles after I fell on a waterslide.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

honestly i've had less anxiety waiting on the results of a pregnancy test

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Best line of Love is Blind, “Mark is emotionally available which is a red flag”

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Real friends send you their embarrassing pix when you're embarrassing pix come out. Thank you @chrisdelia for humiliating yourself to make me feel better.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Bebe should sue this woman?

greg the menace

@mistergeezy

4 years

KAREN AND HER TEARS ...

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

As an empowered woman I will only speak at your women’s empowerment panel if you empower me with a paycheck

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

It’s not a women job to fix misogyny. Even if it was we wouldn’t get paid as much as men so why don’t you guys just do it

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I'm seriously considering putting on a bra today for old times sake

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Thank you everyone for the advice to pee wherever the coyotes in my yard are peeing. I’m peeing everywhere now and feel I’m close to winning this war.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I'm talking to a lot of female comics who are being accused of "knowing" about predatory behavior. Dudes don't show us their phones at work. Everyone must be 21 to enter a comedy club. Women should not have to take on the blame, guilt, and consequences of mens behavior?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

help, I need an excuse asap of why I can't participate in a "drive by birthday party" because right now all I have is "that sounds like my nightmare"

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

This made me cry because I’m STABLE

Rex Chapman🏇🏼

@RexChapman

5 years

Greatest thing you’ve ever seen.🏀💪😊 #Sports

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

I'm not posting the names of the people trying to extort me because some of them might be dumb kids. I wouldn't want the stupid ideas I had when I was a teenager to follow me around forever or else every time someone Googled me, they'd see me shoplifting a NO FEAR t-shirt. .

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Gentle reminder that it’s okay to say “I don’t know” especially if you don’t fucking know

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

There’s a crisis in the streets of London nobody is talking about and it involves dicks being literally everywhere. I got the scoop.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

I know reboots are hot right now but what if we brought back manners

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Today is my birthday so can nobody call me a busted whore today thanks!

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

A comedy show where you agree with everything the comic says isn’t a comedy show - that’s called a rally.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Nobody is more bummed than me that #istandwithwhitney isn’t about Whitney Houston

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Imagine needing this much attention

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

Every woman knows what Kavanaugh's emotional, defensive reaction yesterday was. We've all seen it many times, tried to reason with it, walked on eggshells around it, been made to feel guilty and ashamed that we "drove a man to that point" with our having self-respect. No more.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

every Tik Tok dance looks like lazy cheerleading

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

Whenever I get blue I just remember that life could be worse: I could be dating someone who makes me film them lifting weights at the gym for social media

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

6 years

Trump is asking why a 15 year old girl didn’t call the FBI after she was assaulted? Oh my God. Please vote.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Of course Trump didn’t know he had covid he never had taste in the first place?

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

So when it comes to global warming, school shootings, and white supremacy nobody's posting, but when theres a fake threat that Instagram, may use your photos that you already made public and want everyone to see, everyone is posting their head off

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

No way dude. It’s the job of a grown adult to get a seat in advance that you can sit in. You’ve known your height for a while. She paid for her seat too. This is a very trash move.

Marina Marraco

@MarinaMarraco

4 years

This video has the internet legitimately divided . Dude is in the last seat on the plane. Seat doesn’t recline. Hers does. And she reclines. He’s upset, and is punching her seat incessantly— so she records. Who is right?! Who is wrong?! See you at 7p on #FOX5LION @fox5dc

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

It’s really has been amazing to see everyone come together this week and unite around having no idea how to spell “canceled”

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Shout out to all the other lonely ass people scrolling Twitter on a holiday

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

The fact that some people are mistaking Keanu Reeves age appropriate girlfriend with Helen Mirren is wild. In hollywood, if you’re not 24, you might as well be 70.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

The CDC said especially people with mustaches should wear a mask not because of corona but just because you look ridiculous

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

hot take! You can disagree with someone and still respect them.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

2 years

2022, the bar is low. You got this.

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Remember, during times like this, you are allowed to day “I’m still learning about the situation so I don’t have a strong opinion yet” and you’ll be a hero

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

You're totally allowed to think something and not tweet it

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

I LOVE YOU @rickygervais

Yashar Ali 🐘

@yashar

4 years

2. Here's the clip: Ricky Gervais: “So in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up, I know he’s your friend but I don’t care.”

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Imagine being such an asshole that you’d rather look at another human instead of the elephant two feet away @yashar

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

Y’all please vote so celebrities will stop telling everyone to vote

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

2 years

I mean if Elon was truly a good businessman he would stop buying websites and have a cologne called ELON MUSK

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Aunt Whitney here. Reminder that comics give up their nights, weekends, and sometimes their own sanity to bring you joy. We spend most of our time in airports waiting to come to your city to make you laugh. Just something to think about before you call us fat or ugly

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

All my friends who misspell at least two words per text are now homeschooling their children

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

young gals who want to take nude pix: listen to auntie Whitney and crop your head out and put on a fake tattoo first

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Using paper straws doesn’t make up for your other shitty behavior

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

3 years

hot take: you don't owe anyone anything

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

Shout out to all the boring people out there - as I get older I realize you are underrated and I want to let you know that I deeply appreciate you

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

4 years

And this is the kind of shit that keeps me coming back to Twitter

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Whitney Cummings

@WhitneyCummings

5 years

The same people I know who cover their laptop cameras with tape also document every second of their existence on Instagram live 🤦🏻‍♀️

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