Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈 @TraumaPhDandMe Twitter profile

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

1 year

How do you cope with never getting justice for the awful things that have happened to you? How do you cope with all the people who have contributed to breaking you into tiny, shattered pieces carrying on with their unchanged lives as if nothing happened? It seems impossible?!

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

Do other people experience passive/background suicidal ideation? Idk what to call it. I get suicidal where it's all very fraught and immediate and I am not safe, but I also get this sense of "no one would notice if I wasn't here", "I have no purpose", "I might as well die".

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

'Reach out if you're struggling with your mental health', they said. 'Ask for help', they said. I'm exhausted. I have been reaching out (for current episode) since 2019. I am worse now. I am really exhausted and pretty suicidal. I spoke to 111 for 90 minutes. I am alone again.

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

I am completely exhausted and fed up and idk what to do with myself. I don't understand a system that leaves suicidal people alone, but what the fuck do I know. I was honest with 111. I guess it's up to me to try to manage yet another MH crisis, as well as be a gynaecologist.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

GP receptionist just phoned me to check-in because she said she didn't want to leave work without checking that I'd been put in touch with the right support. 😭

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@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

@Olas_Truth Oh god - this is the first time I'm coming across this term. Does the 'R' stand for what I think it does? 😔 What an absolutely repulsive combination of misogyny and kind of fetishising and being predatory towards people with intellectual disabilities. 🤢

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I find it so strange that there are adverts on TV (and everywhere) encouraging people to talk about their mental health and emotions in a casual way, yet when you actually talk about your MH you lose friends and get forced out of your career pathway. Make it make sense???!!?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

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@TraumaPhDandMe

4 years

A CMHT duty worker told me today that if I want to kill myself that's my decision. Repeatedly. And then hung up. What's even more soul-destroying is that I'm not the first to have been told this and I won't be the last. This is MH services in 2020. #TraumaNotPD #MentalHealth

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

It took me about 4 hours of not wanting to, hiding in my bed, hammering heart etc etc, but I did finally #GetTheFckOutside . It was overcast, cold, my legs were trembling driving up there and I couldn't get the enthusiasm to walk once I was there, but I did leave my flat! 💪🏻

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@TraumaPhDandMe

3 years

I'm returning to my PhD tomorrow, after a predictable and preventable mental health crisis I received little professional help with, followed by 5 months off sick. I'm still pretty depressed, although thankfully not currently suicidal. Please send good thoughts? I'm quite scared.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

How are other people maintaining any sort of hope or will to keep going? I know I'm depressed, but outside of depression the world seems unbelievably *bleak* rn? Everything in UK feels completely broken. Tories continue to be awful. New covid wave coming. Planet dying. BLEAK. 😩

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

I wish there was a place you could go to when you feel quite broken and just be with people who are kind and gentle with you. Like a fluffy blanket and a kind nanna kind of place. The world is too brutal and cold for my liking.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Crisis team also said I should apply for PIP and asked me why I don't have a dog. They said I should apply for PIP and use the money to get a dog. I can treat this as formal medical advice, yes? 😜🐕

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Dear mental health professionals, I know your job is hard & you see distressing things every day. I know it's hard to sit with someone who feels hopeless, despairing & suicidal, & that there's a pull to provide a solution. But please, PLEASE - colouring in is not the answer!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Dear people who've had a mental health crash severe enough to keep you out of work for a while: How did you rebuild your life? How did you decide what work to do and how did you balance that with your mental health? I don't want work to destroy my hard-won relative stability.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

I looked up 'passive suicidal ideation' and apparently that means wanting to die but not having a plan. I do have a plan, several plans, bc I was left with no support for so long. But rn there's a sense of "dying is a good idea bc I will never be happy/bc I am wholly useless",

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

CMHT Duty: "We all have different motivations for staying alive. I don't know you, so I can't tell you what yours are. I need to go now." What the actual fuck is wrong with #MentalHealth services and #SuicidePrevention in the UK...? It's not just me, right? This is abhorrent??!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

But there isn't the immediacy to it. I don't feel in danger of acting *right now*, but I feel like it is the kindest thing I could do for myself. I think that when I get very intensely suicidal, it is just another layer on top of this...? The whole 'just distract yourself'

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

I hear people are doing 2021 achievements tweets? My main achievement of 2021 is still being alive. I spent more days off sick than I did working (still off sick), cried in front of more people than I can remember and gained a lot of weight (I feel like a potato). Happy NYE! 🥂🎉

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW suicide Do other people experience feeling suicidal as terrifying? MHPs seem to think that if I'm scared, I'm not really, truly suicidal. That doesn't feel true to me. I find that I want to be dead and have a plan, AND want help to stay alive AND I'm terrified, all at once?

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

TW suicide On both 9th November & 9th December 2021 I was acutely suicidal & assessed by the crisis team. I've been really scared that I'd be back on 9th January. I'm pleased to report that 9th January is nearly over & I am NOT suicidal & have no need for the crisis team! 🥳🥳🥳

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

Approach that MH services love feels vapid and ludicrous. It's not random intrusive thoughts that pass, it's a deeply held belief that I'm worthless and death is the solution. I don't know if it's the difference between ego dystonic/syntonic? Has suicide become ego syntonic?

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@TraumaPhDandMe

9 months

You know what pals, I am sitting on the floor in my living room resting post-gym, and it's sunny but not yet too hot, and the birds are singing, and I think I feel happy? Like, genuinely happy...? This is so rare!!!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Spoke to friends, and for the first time I think in my entire life, I spoke honestly to someone I love about how bad and suicidal I'm feeling. Called weekend CPN back. They came to my flat and were with me for about 90 mins. Now waiting for crisis team. Just an update.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW suicide Crisis team appointment booked for 4.30pm. I told them I don't know how to get through until then - that I'm scared to be alone and I'm scared to have access to my car. They told me it's up to me if I want to kill myself and that I need to leave the building now. 😭

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

I frequently think of the psychiatrist who spoke to me for 20 minutes on the phone and decided I had an "emotionally unstable personality". He said medication wouldn't work for me bc my personality was the problem. And yet, venla + mirtazipine has been an absolute game-changer.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

4 years

I strongly believe no one should be told the core of who they are is broken ( #BPD / #EUPD ). Hard not to crumble when someone powerful tells you who you are inside is rotten. Ironically, receiving this diagnosis is making me realise I have quite a strong & stable sense of self! ✊🏻

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

How often would you contact your grown-up daughter who lives 200 miles away if you knew they lived alone, were very low and suicidal and under the crisis team??! 🤨

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

Feels like in a decent MH system I should be telling someone about this, but we don't have a decent MH system. 😳🤨

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

The CMHT duty person phoned me back. It was so much later than he'd said he would, but he just talked to me, was interested in me as a person, what happened with my PhD, what my PhD was about etc. Being curious and gentle IS the intervention. ❤️ #MentalHealth #Trauma #Abuse

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Do people have crisis plans and use them successfully when they're feeling suicidal? The problem I have, is that I make a crisis plan when I'm okay. It's full of great and personalised ideas. But when I'm feeling suicidal I look at my crisis plan and can't connect at all.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

I'm fine, but I just wanted to say that as far as MH services are concerned, I could be dead. No one has spoken to me since the crisis team put me into a taxi home hyperventilating, crying and suicidal at 2.30am on Wednesday morning.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Why do universies require you to write a statement explaining the situation & how it is impacting your studies when you have already provided medical evidence you're ill? Why is that necessary? Feels very cruel with #mentalhealth . TW suicide Dear University, I am currently 1/

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

After making personalised Christmas baubles for lots of other people this year, I thought it was high time I made some for myself. I settled on this, because 2022 has been pretty fucking awful!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

Today was the worst interaction I've ever had with the crisis team. Really confrontational. They have sent me home to die. They kept saying "you need to meet us half way", which seemed to mean that I needed to agree that doing some star jumps or going for a walk was going to stop

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Appointment with duty was awful. Feeling really shamed. Sat in car shaking. Referred to crisis team for assessment, which I didn't think would happen given the lack of warmth in the room. Ffs. Please, PLEASE just be kind if you're in a job where you encounter desperate people! 😖

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@TraumaPhDandMe

3 years

@ceraliza It's pretty low to steal @ItsEmilyKaty 's thread word for word without crediting her. The fact you're using her lived experienced for personal financial gain is disgusting. Perhaps you'd like to issue a public apology and donate the money to charity? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Emily♡

@ItsEmilyKaty

4 years

Symptoms of depression that no-one talks about. - a thread. /1

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

This morning I did some cleaning! 🙌🏻 I know for functioning people this is banal, but for me it is HUGE. Couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned. Cleaning myself has been enough of a battle, never mind cleaning anything else. But cleaned my bathroom this morning. YEAH! 💪🏻🚿✨

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@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

I have on my to-do list that I should go to the gym this morning, but I feel fragile and nervous after the latest big emotional crash and I don't know if I'll actually get there. It's just so exhausting having to rebuild yourself again and again and again and...

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

It's SO concerning to see so many of these abusive relationship infographics where I can tick off almost all the points re. my PhD experience. No wonder my PhD was so utterly retraumatising - it was like being back with my abusive ex. #AcademicTwitter #PhdChat

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW body image , weight gain I have put on enough weight that my clothes don't fit. I feel horrible, but trying to work on allowing myself to have gorgeous clothes even if I don't feel nice in anything atm. Ebay is my friend. Artsy-dog-lesbian-chic wardrobe revamp has begun!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

10 months

"Suicide in young women is a national priority" - really...? Someone perhaps needs to tell UK crisis teams?! I'm glad that this issue is getting air time, but this article doesn't capture how true dire things are. It's not just worrying you might be 1/

Young women seeking mental health help called ‘dramatic’, UK survey finds

Others asked if they are ‘overthinking things’ or told their issues could be hormonal, charity says

www.theguardian.com

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

THE FUCKING GP LOOKED ME IN THE EYES AND SAID "WELL YOU'RE COMPLICATED, AREN'T YOU? WHY HAVE YOU COME HERE? YOU'RE THE CMHT'S RESPONSIBILITY." Then she rang the CMHT and told them I'm having a significant dip but it's not an absolute crisis and duty will call me back later.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

I did all the things society tells me I'm supposed to do, and I've been let down by people over and over again. I'm not a gynaecologist. I don't have the ability to diagnose and treat my own PMDD and apparently no one else is going to. Advocating for myself gets me nowhere.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

OKAY - Christmas Tree is UP, Christmas tunes are ON, venlafaxine is here, the neighbour who picked up my meds also bought me some flowers and her daughter made me a wonderful reindeer card. And although it's a lonely covid Christmas and I have so much sadness, I am ALIVE. ✊🏻🎄🍷

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

2022 was a year of losing people I thought I could trust. It's been really painful. But I'm really glad to have the truly wonderful ones who've stuck around. Having friends who can accept you as you are is golden. 🥺🥰 3/3

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@TraumaPhDandMe

3 years

Now that it's past midnight, it's my 32nd birthday. I'm celebrating by spending the night in a mental health crisis house, to stop me from taking the massive overdose I had waiting for me at home. I'm in isolation until my covid swab comes back. What better way to celebrate?!🎈🎂

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Yes please to this!!! I'd like to see this with #MentalHealth , too. If you took up running or had six sessions of CBT and stopped feeling depressed, then I'm really happy for you, but the fact that wasn't enough for me isn't due to lack of willpower or a weak character! 😬

Agy Lena 🏳️‍🌈🇵🇱🇬🇧

@agy_lena

1 year

“I beat cancer” “Cancer didn’t stand a chance with me” “Cancer picked the wrong person” Obviously I shouldn’t even have to say that I am ecstatic for anyone who beat this awful disease however, we really, really ought to move away from this narrative that you are somehow

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I feel like MH services are making me closer to fitting a 'EUPD' label. I'm sure others have said this before and far more eloquently, but do CMHTs create 'EUPD' by being wildly inconsistent in their support, plus deeply invalidating and cruel?

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

So that's that, then. Resignation email queued to send. Have clicked 'withdraw from study' button in the university portal (not so much as a "we're sorry to see you go", although I did get a "this doesn't erase any money you owe us" 😅). ❌ PhD student ✅ Unemployed 🤷🏻‍♀️ Happier

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW self harm I'm sleeping at a friend's for NYE. We had lovely food, a few drinks and watched fireworks in the park. I changed into short-sleeved pyjamas, forgetting I have very visible healing cuts on my arm. I just forgot. My friend asked about them. Calmly. No judgement. 1/

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

I really hate all of the cheesy self-care/wellness stuff. But... what nice, soothing things do you do for yourself when you feel very sad and hopeless, and like all the important stuff is out of your control? I mainly hide in bed and eat unhealthy food, but open to better ideas!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

For #SelfinjuryAwarenessDay I'd like to ask you to be less judgemental/behavioural/punitive and more curious about *why* someone might be self-harming and what function it has for them. I don't think any MHP ever asked me this, but if they had done they could have learned a lot.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

As I'm spending Christmas alone this year due to covid, I decided against cooking a roast and just did a collection of things I like, vaguely inspired by a Christmas dinner! I think I preferred it? 🤔🎄 #JoinIn

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I wish reporting of suicides didn't feel the need to go into such detail on methods. 😐

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I went and collected my pottery from the workshop today. It is all SO wonky, and the glaze has gone a bit funny in places, but I made these with my hands as a complete beginner and really enjoyed it. 🥰👩🏻‍🎨 #Pottery #Ceramics #HandBuilding

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I have #GP appointment in the morning. It's with my normal GP, who is nice, but last time I spoke to a GP, he told me I was "threatening him" after I told him I was very suicidal and asked for help. 😳 These things stay with us and make it harder to seek medical attention. 😔

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Bizarre experience of writing exasperated tweet before bed and tweet blowing up (by standards of my tweets anyway) while I sleep. Many people telling me to forgive people who've treated me awfully. No to that! I won't forgive bullies, rapists or those who cover up their behaviour

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@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

Being myself and working hard has only led to being mentally ill. And rejected. And abused. I feel like I fundamentally don't belong and I don't know how to cope with that. Everything hurts and I just want to not continue to hurt like this. 10/10

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@TraumaPhDandMe

10 months

Friend asked me what BPD was today, and when I told her the criteria her response was "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and we sat in my car in the pouring rain and screamed about the patriarchy! #TraumaNotPD

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Have spent absolutely AGES making these flashcards. They're sort of a safety plan and sort of like DBT skills, but really personalised to me. If I have these then I don't have to be mental any more, right? RIGHT???!! 😬 Ofc what I've done here is hit extreme perfectionism 1/

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW suicide So me sobbing and saying I'm scared I'm going to overdose is now me "threatening the GP". I really don't have any words left to describe how every single contact with HCPs is making me feel worse and worse and worse today.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

First day outside in 11 days (covid) and it poured it down the entire time. 🤣 But so lovely to see the sea and feel the (cold, wet) outside air on my face. 🥰🌧️🌊 #GetTheFckOutside #JoinIn #TalkWithCharlie

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW weight gain , SH scars Weirdly finding some empowerment in refusing to hide my fat, scarred body. I wore shorts and a vest top for my hike today. Cellulite, old scars on legs, still-pink scars on arm. I'm not what society said I should be, but fuck that!!!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

It is only day four of mirtazapine, but I am sort of daring to hope it might be a game-changer for me...? I'm taking it 8-8.30pm, asleep by 9-9.30pm and up at 7.30-8am. Obviously that is A LOT of sleep, but I feel like I need it rn. I feel pleasantly balanced and rested.

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

OH MY GOD. In a good way, for once. Had meeting with manager of social services day centre. I feel... seen?? She said something like "well you've had a lot of knocks, but you're still you underneath it all". And gave me this list of activities. I can go to whatever I want. 😭❤️

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I wish people calling from a withheld number would leave a message! Sometimes people are having a wee or in the shower, and if your number is withheld and you don't leave a message I have no way of knowing who you are!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

9 months

I finally, finally sent my PIP form off today. It has taken me so long, bc most of the time I've just been too scared to look at it. One of my lovely friends actively asked me how I was getting on with PIP, and when I said it scared me and I was avoiding it, she arranged to 1/

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@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

@OldAutisticAFAB Yeah, for some reason this tweet attracted a lot of responses telling me the path to healing is forgiveness and just... NOPE to that! I hope I can find meaning and reasons to live for, but forgiving people for their unforgiveable actions definitely isn't it!!! ❤️

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

I have my psychologist's permission to quit DBT! 🙌🏼🙌🏼 Permission is wrong framing - she said it's my choice; completely up to me. CMHT will not discharge if I stop attending DBT. I *have* engaged with it. I've been open-minded and given it a go. No more DBT group for meeeee! 🎉

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Crisis team nurse is picking up my prescription from GP and taking it to supermarket for me, and then talking about them taking me to the supermarket tomorrow and then to where Smudge lives, so that I actually do all of these things instead of getting overwhelmed. My heart. ❤️🥺

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

Does anyone have any advice on help with applying for PIP? I am being a massive wuss about it. I think it's bc I find it really hard to say "hello, I'm disabled and I need some help" and feel like people won't attack me. My former university has a lot to answer for. 😪

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@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Oh, I forgot. When the weekend duty people came to my flat to assess me, they brought my post up from downstairs, because I haven't left my flat for a few days and there was a lot of post. Sometimes, really small things mean a really big amount. ❤️

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

I have decided that I really, really want a dog. I mean, I knew that anyway, but I have decided I am going to try to work towards making it a reality. It is motivation to apply for PIP and to look at things like social tariffs for internet, utilities etc. It is motivation to 1/

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

CW self harm suicide Today's been a nice contrast to yesterday, where I only really left my bed to see crisis team, self-harmed to try to quieten suicidal urges and asked CT for hospital admission. Feeling sad, heavy feeling in my chest this evening, but good day all considered.

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

On a very personal and not generalisable to anyone else note, I always feel kind of sad and inadequate when I read people talking about how much psych meds help them, how they make them feel normal again, how they help them function etc. I wish they had that effect for me! 😬

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I've spent hours this morning on comparison sites and then on the phone being passed around different departments of my existing insurance company, but I have got my car insurance down from £531.17 to £285.80, and importantly, I can afford to eat for the rest of the month! 🙌🏻

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

So far I am having *a good week*. Yesterday I did some actual animating, which was so much fun! Today I started a print-making course, where I learned to make paper - look how pretty it is... I saw psychologist today and gave her letter. Feel SO reassured by her response to it!

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

I hate the bit of the crisis team assessment where they all leave the room and have a chat about whether I am mental enough for them to do anything for me. This whole saga feels like am auction for the role of mental and I never know if I am passing or failing. 😐

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

8 months

So fuck it all. I don't know what to do anything. I am ready to lie on the ground and wait for the earth to reclaim me.

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Do other people struggle to reply to whatsapp (etc) messages? It is such a struggle. I think it's a depression thing? I don't want to talk to anyone, but there is a need for me to nurture the few relationships I have left. 😐

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

Crisis team are taking me on for a week, and are going to try and get CMHT to allocate a CPN or social worker, so that I have more regular support. I think this feels okay...? Maybe?! Hopefully a nice person?? Is that possible...?

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

My local Lidl was selling weighted blankets for £19.99, so now I have two weighted blankets - one on my bed and one on my sofa (and possibly both for hiding under when I'm freaking out). I think I have made it even harder to leave my sofa now, though...? 😬

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

It has taken me FOREVER, and I had to keep stopping bc I really did not have the motivation, but I have done all the cleaning I intended to do today. There is still a bit more to do tomorrow, but I have spent hours cleaning and tidying and my flat looks and feels so much better!

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

She asked me about why I self-harm, and if it was okay to ask that. And she gave me a really big hug. I was embarrassed and flustered and worried I was throwing my SH in her face. She said not at all, and I don't have to hide my body from her. 2/

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

4 years

Feel sick. Have been honest with endless strangers about the most traumatic parts of my life. This morning I found out that a (male) psychiatrist has given me #EUPD (aka #BPD ) diagnosis after a 20min phone conversation. Not discussed with me at all. Not even mentioned. FFS. 😡😓

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

CMHT duty just rang and asked me if there was anything I wanted to discuss. I said I wanted to discuss how to feel less suicidal. They said I could go for a walk or watch a tv series and asked if that would help. I said no. No one said anything for a bit. They asked if there was

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

I got back out of bed and boiled some pasta and defrosted some homemade pasta sauce. This is not takeaway pizza. A small win, but a win nonetheless! 🍝

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I DID A THING. Today I was part of an animation event at an arts centre. My little guy was shown as part of lots of animations created by MH service users. Our work was on a big cinema screen. People came to watch it. We sat on stage for a Q&A and I even answered a question!!!

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Can I revoke my consent for a team formulation to be done about me, without me? Because I'm not sure I'm keen on a room or professionals sat around discussing my trauma tbh. Especially when they don't feel it's necessary to include me in the conversation. Especially when they 1/

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

The PhD meeting is TOMORROW and I am trying very hard not to think about it rn. I am going to calmly(!) talk a room full of university people (okay five people) through the last few years of my PhD and spiralling MH, and ask for better support. Please send good thoughts!!! 😬😬😬

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

What are people's strategies for surviving when you feel totally let down by MH services? I'd kind of held onto "psychologist good, psychologist cares" and now I feel more like "psychologist just another person who exercises power over me".

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I simply don't understand why MH services aren't taking the "we'll get through it together" approach with suicidal people. I don't understand why that isn't the starting point.

dinosaur

@dinosaurcouch

1 year

it’s okay

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

@thelifeof_lorna Yeah, I think you're right? It feels almost impossible at the moment, but in the moments where I'm not overwhelmed with intense pain and despair, I think finding a way to live a good and meaningful life is all I can do? I don't know what that looks like yet, though!

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

I did go on my hike today. I'm embarrassed by how sweaty I get. I think it's partly about being overweight and unfit, but venlafaxine definitely also plays a role! But very glad to get out and discover a new route and see people I haven't seen for a while. ☺️ #GetTheFckOutside

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Feeling proud of my productivity today: ✅ morning walk ✅ showered + washed hair ✅ wore dress and a little make-up ✅ made packed lunch ✅ animation group ✅ chat over lunch with friend ✅ coffee group ✅ bitched about BPD construct ✅ drama group A wonderfully non-mad day! 🙌🏻

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

There's a leaflet in CMHT waiting room about where to get help in a MH crisis. It defines crisis as "severe anxiety, a panic attack or maybe even psychosis" and like... has the NHS ever defined a MH crisis as such? That seems like an exceptionally low bar vs current thresholds!

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

1 year

Appointment with psychologist was awful and I don't think I can trust her any more and I feel very, very alone in the world. I don't even have the words or the energy to describe what and why. I just feel like shit and I hate the constant recurrence of the never-ending shitness.

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Fluctuating levels of despair 🎠🌻🏳️‍🌈

@TraumaPhDandMe

2 years

My first ever & first first-authored academic publication has just been published. I want to care, to feel excited, but I just feel dead inside. Not sure if I should be reading this as academia not for me or as I am too depressed to function. Probably something to park for later!

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@TraumaPhDandMe

11 months

Err, and I can't say this more strongly, what the actual FUCK??! BPD mission creep or what?! Since when were a lack of hobbies or frequent dying of hair anything to do with 'BPD'???! #TraumaNotPD #QueerNotPD

The Times and The Sunday Times

@thetimes

11 months

Intense mood swings, a lack of hobbies — and always dyeing her hair. These were some of the signs that Sydney Lima had BPD, a diagnosis that’s three times more common in women than men

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