Girl Unmasked is a Sunday Times bestseller. 🥹🥹🥹
There are no words to describe what an absolute privilege this is and how grateful I am. Thank YOU.
#GirlUnmasked
ADHD-ers usually have an interest-based nervous system. Meaning that a task needs either novelty, urgency, competition or interest for them to be motivated or focused. Learning this and adapting boring, everyday tasks to fit into one of these categories can be life-changing.
I still can’t get over how I was admitted to a children’s mental health unit at sixteen and discharged three months later with a diagnosis of mixed personality disorder when my notes describe daily meltdowns and list my triggers as change, lack of routine, noise & strangers.
Four years ago today I was discharged from a children’s mental health unit. Today I signed a contract with a literary agent. I’m going to be an author. I don’t often feel proud of myself, but today I do. 😭
What society sees as autistic special interests:
- Trains
- Any transportation
- Postcodes
- Number plates
- Computers
- Maths
Special interests society does not recognise:
- Cats
- Books
- Dance
- Musicals
- Art
- Psychology
I wonder why.
Complete mental exhaustion from fighting your brain constantly. This can lead to lack of concentration, forgetfulness, chronic fatigue, missing deadlines, withdrawing from socialising, insomnia and higher susceptibility to physical illness. /2
People with ADHD tend to view time as either ‘now’ or ‘not now’. A task either needs to be done right this very minute, or not at all. This causes difficulties with time management, lateness, planning, impatience, procrastination and missing deadlines.
Dissociation. Feeling like you’re moving through life but aren’t really there. Things just happen around you but they don’t feel real. Feeling detached from your body. Feeling like you’re watching yourself from the outside. Feeling disconnected and numb. Nothing feels real. /3
Complete mental exhaustion from fighting your brain constantly. This can lead to lack of concentration, forgetfulness, chronic fatigue, missing deadlines, withdrawing from socialising, insomnia and higher susceptibility to physical illness. /2
How did people look at child me, who devoured two novels a day by age eight, read all of the time instead of socialising, and talked non-stop about books, and think ‘she’s neurotypical’? Oh yeah, because my special interest was books and not something stereotypically autistic.
Dissociation. Feeling like you’re moving through life but aren’t really there. Things just happen around you but they don’t feel real. Feeling detached from your body. Feeling like you’re watching yourself from the outside. Feeling disconnected and numb. Nothing feels real. /3
Just the thought of living seems impossible. It takes a huge amount of physical energy and mental effort to get through each day, so just waking up in the morning and being faced with yet another day feels soul-destroying. /4
Today I somehow graduated with a first class degree in mental health nursing. And as I walked across the stage, I thought of teenage me, sectioned in a psychiatric unit and thought ‘this is for you’. I wish I could have shown her the future she didn’t believe she had. 👩🏻🎓🤍
The physical effects of depression. Stomach pain. Throbbing headaches. Lack of appetite. Missing your period. Constipation/diarrhoea. Chronic fatigue. Nausea. Weight gain or weight loss. Every part of your body aching. Insomnia. /6
Feeling unable to concentrate on anything so you just lie on your bed or scrolling through social media because you can’t concentrate, willing for the hours to go past quickly so the day can end. /8
Engaging in behaviour which isn’t obviously self-destructive but long-term may be. For example, drinking too much too often, putting yourself in unsafe situations, having unprotected sex, spending a lot of money, making impulsive decisions. /5
An overwhelming sense of shame. This may be from feeling judged by other people, from not being able to accomplish the things you normally can, from struggling with personal hygiene or keeping your environment tidy or from feeling like a failure. /7
Autistic people, especially autistic children, may take instructions so literally that they might not realise that instructions come with terms and conditions. For example, they might not know they don’t have to push on through pain if they are told to do something and it hurts.
Just the thought of living seems impossible. It takes a huge amount of physical energy and mental effort to get through each day, so just waking up in the morning and being faced with yet another day feels soul-destroying. /4
Anger at yourself. Because you feel like you’re wasting valuable time. Because you want to be able to fix things but can’t. Because you can’t explain to someone else why you’re feeling the way you are. Because you feel like your progress has all gone. /14
Guilt. Perhaps this is from struggling to keep up with other people’s demands/expectations or feeling you are letting others down by cancelling on them or not being able to do what you said you would. /9
Feeling like you have to pretend everything is fine. Getting dressed up, doing your hair & makeup, going out, smiling, acting like nothing is wrong. Someone asking you if you’re doing okay and you saying ‘I’m fine.’ /10
Knowing that you’re back in that place again, but not knowing how you can possibly change that. Knowing what helps you feel better but not having the energy to be able to do those things. /11
OCD is not just ‘I hate germs’. It’s intense and terrifying. My latest obsession is worrying about if I’m a pathological liar, triggered by an off-hand comment. OCD will latch on to these thoughts, and become all-consuming.
The physical effects of depression. Stomach pain. Throbbing headaches. Lack of appetite. Missing your period. Constipation/diarrhoea. Chronic fatigue. Nausea. Weight gain or weight loss. Every part of your body aching. Insomnia. /6
Engaging in behaviour which isn’t obviously self-destructive but long-term may be. For example, drinking too much too often, putting yourself in unsafe situations, having unprotected sex, spending a lot of money, making impulsive decisions. /5
Autistic adults have meltdowns too. Even those who have full-time jobs and appear to function like the average neurotypical. Meltdowns might be more hidden. They might not come out until the person is home or in a safe space, but they happen. And they’re exhausting.
Feeling unable to concentrate on anything so you just lie on your bed or scrolling through social media because you can’t concentrate, willing for the hours to go past quickly so the day can end. /8
I have been going back and forth over whether I should post this, but here it is. Today is 1 year since my last and most serious suicide attempt. I am thankful to the stranger, police and paramedics that saved my life that night. Because of you I have a future. This is me today.
‘Why won’t my autistic child eat fruit and only eat biscuits?’
Fruit can be hard to eat because you don’t know if the next bite or piece will be sweet or sharp or bitter or hard or chewy or soft. It’s unpredictable and the tastes can be too much. Biscuits are always the same.
An overwhelming sense of shame. This may be from feeling judged by other people, from not being able to accomplish the things you normally can, from struggling with personal hygiene or keeping your environment tidy or from feeling like a failure. /7
My boyfriend told me that he tries to look at things through a neurodivergent lens when things in our relationship get a bit tricky, instead of the neurotypical lens he is used to/is encouraged by his friends. And that means the world.
An inability to even think about the future, let alone plan for it. Perhaps you are now living in the future you didn’t think would ever exist, and that makes everything feel unreal. Perhaps you can’t see yourself making it another day, so planning ahead seems impossible. /12
We should be able to recognise autism in non-distressed, happy autistic children. They should not have to wait until they are burnt out and broken before they can be diagnosed.
Often autistic girls get missed because their special interests seem more ‘normal’. I used to read non-stop. At the age of 8, I’d read at least one proper book every day. I’d get told off in class because I wouldn’t stop reading. I’d read at lunch. I read while walking to school.
Guilt. Perhaps this is from struggling to keep up with other people’s demands/expectations or feeling you are letting others down by cancelling on them or not being able to do what you said you would. /9
Autism is a spectrum. This does not mean that everyone is a bit autistic. It means that every autistic person experiences different combinations of autistic traits and each to different intensities. It is non-linear and our ability to cope with different things varies day to day.
Feeling like you have to pretend everything is fine. Getting dressed up, doing your hair & makeup, going out, smiling, acting like nothing is wrong. Someone asking you if you’re doing okay and you saying ‘I’m fine.’ /10
Anger at yourself. Because you feel like you’re wasting valuable time. Because you want to be able to fix things but can’t. Because you can’t explain to someone else why you’re feeling the way you are. Because you feel like your progress has all gone. /14
Knowing that you’re back in that place again, but not knowing how you can possibly change that. Knowing what helps you feel better but not having the energy to be able to do those things. /11
Autism is a spectrum. This does not mean that everyone is a bit autistic. It means that every autistic person experiences different combinations of autistic traits and each to different intensities. It is non-linear and our ability to cope with different things varies day to day.
An inability to even think about the future, let alone plan for it. Perhaps you are now living in the future you didn’t think would ever exist, and that makes everything feel unreal. Perhaps you can’t see yourself making it another day, so planning ahead seems impossible. /12
The answer to ‘how do I make an autistic child eat a meal where the foods are touching and not separate’ is very simple.
Keep the food separate. There is no need to cause them such distress and sensory pain.
When I told my boyfriend that I was autistic, he said that it didn’t change anything. The next day he started sending me questions about stuff that he had read because he had spent all night reading about autism so that he could understand and support me better. 😭
I do think that being a girl contributed to my autism and ADHD not being recognised. My meltdowns were viewed as me being dramatic, my emotional dysregulation as me being too sensitive and hormonal, and the themes of my special interests were socially acceptable for a girl.
Autistic adults have meltdowns too. Even those who have full-time jobs and appear to function like the average neurotypical. Meltdowns might be more hidden. They might not come out until the person is home or in a safe space, but they happen. And they’re exhausting.
Oh and I had a diary which I did not let go of and wrote EVERYTHING in until they took it off me so I was sectioned that day. And became obsessed with Where’s Wally and had a meltdown when someone hid the Wally jigsaw piece for a laugh because I couldn’t finish the puzzle. 🫠
ADHD and autism can mask each other so well to the extent that neither can be particularly observable. But this can make the individual’s brain incredibly chaotic and confusing.
My name is Emily. I’m autistic and struggle with anxiety, depression & OCD. I couldn’t see a future for myself & was sectioned aged 16. I am now a student mental health nurse. I am living in the future that I didn’t think existed, and I am so thankful.
#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek
I didn’t even tell you the best part - my mixed personality disorder diagnosis was emotionally unstable PD (difficulty regulating emotions, intense emotions) and anankastic/obsessive compulsive PD (need for order, perfectionism, control). Doesn’t that just sound like autism? 🤯
3. You appear so much more autistic since you were diagnosed, it’s almost like you’re putting it on.
This is called unmasking. Slowly stopping acting neurotypical which has been so exhausting. Learning to be yourself. This is a good thing if autistic people are able to do this.
Autistic kids might not be motivated by the same rewards as their non-autistic peers. Golden time? No thanks, too unstructured and loud. Lunch with the headteacher? No thanks, too stressful to maintain a conversation. Consider that the ‘rewards’ might actually be stressful.
I didn’t think I stimmed as a child until I realised that I vocally stimmed by repeating the same line from a song over and over because it felt nice, and because this was a somewhat socially acceptable thing to do. Stimming in its masked form. (oh & spoiler…everyone stims).
Not all children with ADHD are loud and boisterous in a classroom. Some children with ADHD are sitting at the back of class quietly, but struggling, even if no-one can see.
OCD is so much more than people think it is. Fear of germs and contamination is just one type of obsession. Others include fear of harming others, disturbing sexual thoughts, a need for symmetry, fearing something bad might happen. OCD can latch on to literally anything.
1. You don’t look autistic.
What exactly is an autistic person meant to look like? Do enlighten me. Because you can never tell if someone is autistic just by looking at them.
It breaks my heart that so many people relate to this. Please talk to someone. I’m sorry I can’t read and reply to every single comment. I am trying to work my way through my DM’s. Stay strong everyone. ❤️
2. You’re not like my [nephew/son/cousin/friend etc] who has autism.
And you’re not like my neurotypical friend either. Everyone is different, even autistic people. And everyone’s autism presents differently!
Autism is a spectrum. This does not mean that everyone is a bit autistic. It means that every autistic person experiences different combinations of autistic traits and each to different intensities. It is non-linear and our ability to cope with different things varies day to day.
4. Everyone seems to be getting diagnosed with autism these days.
Firstly, that’s not true. If you’re saying this, it’s likely you aren’t diagnosed. If you’re talking about the rise in diagnoses, then yes, autism is becoming more understood and recognised. Again, good.
What about all the children who’ve tried so hard to get into school as much as they can this year? Who have been to more doctors and hospital appointments than some adults? Or who have faced the worst loss they could imagine of someone they love?
Finding out I was autistic introduced me to language which explained things about my brain that I had never understood. Like autistic meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout, alexithymia, interoception, sensory overload, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, emotional dysregulation and masking.
5. Don’t define yourself by your diagnosis. You have autism, you’re not autistic. You’re so much more than that!
I am autistic just like I am right-handed. I don’t need to be ‘more than it’ because it isn’t a bad thing. It makes me who I am.
A reminder that children with ADHD become adults with ADHD, and autistic children become autistic adults. You can’t grow out of ADHD or autism. If someone is born with a neurodivergent brain, they don’t one-day wake up neurotypical. They will always be neurodivergent.
An autistic person explaining that they cannot work because of their disability is not ‘playing the disability card’. Sometimes I’m shocked at the way autistic people are spoken to on here. 😔
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO RECOGNISE AUTISM IN NON-DISTRESSED, HAPPY AUTISTIC CHILDREN. THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE BURNED OUT AND BROKEN BY OUR ABLEIST SOCIETY BEFORE WE CAN DIAGNOSE THEM.
By the time a child with ADHD is twelve, researchers believe they have received 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than other children their age.
This isn’t right. Children with ADHD deserve so much better.
Giving children with ADHD detentions for forgetting homework or books when they struggle with forgetfulness because of their ADHD just doesn’t sit right with me. Give them strategies and work with them to see what can help them, but not detentions. Not punishment.
‘Why won’t my autistic child eat fruit and only eat biscuits?’
Fruit can be hard to eat because you don’t know if the next bite or piece will be sweet or sharp or bitter or hard or chewy or soft. It’s unpredictable and the tastes can be too much. Biscuits are always the same.
Just a reminder that autistic people might appear ‘spoilt’ or selfish or ungrateful, when their needs are being misunderstood. Like, I am so grateful to be going on holiday, but the stress of the change in morning routine, uncertainty and lack of sleep can make it seem otherwise.
Being a people pleaser, terrified to get into trouble, doing everything I was told (sometimes too precisely) and my special interest being reading were all reasons my autism was not picked up on as a child. But these can all be autistic traits.
6. Everyone is a little bit autistic, really.
This is incredibly invalidating if someone shares their diagnosis with you because living life as an autistic person is a very different experience. You might share some traits, but that’s because we’re all humans!
You are still worthy even if you find it hard to look after yourself, to shower regularly, to brush your teeth, to remember birthdays or appointments or to reply to people’s texts. Neurotypical standards can often feel impossible to meet. You are still worthy.
We know that the ‘if you’re not looking at me, you’re not listening’ rhetoric is out-dated and incorrect. So many students (especially those with autism or ADHD) learn, listen and focus better whilst fidgeting, doodling, or doing another activity.
I am an autistic person who masks very well and has been told many a time that I do not ‘look’ autistic. This makes it so hard for me to ask for support and adjustments. It means I push on through, even when I’m breaking inside and exhausted. I don’t think I’m alone with this.
Of course autistic people are exhausted when our brains process more information at any one time than neurotypical brains. That, on top of masking, fighting ableism, poor interoception making it harder to meet our needs, and hypersensitivity to our environment, is exhausting.
7. Are you high or low functioning?
Functioning labels are not helpful terms. High functioning ignores need and low functioning ignores autonomy. Plus it doesn’t describe someone’s actual needs. Explain. For example, non-speaking, learning disabled, sensory seeking etc.
Why is it okay for neurotypical people to watch football matches every weekend but if an autistic person wants to watch planes every weekend this is pathologised?
One of the biggest misconceptions about ADHD is that people with ADHD always lack attention. But it depends on the task. ADHD brains have lower dopamine levels (among other differences) so struggle with motivation and are constantly seeking stimulation.