Minneapolis, MN - The husband of World Champion soccer player Julie Ertz won a regional sports trophy for American Football on Sunday evening as the Eagles of Philadelphia defeated the Patriots of...

INTERNET - In light of the recent one and done retirement games of Julie Ertz and Megan Rapinoe, commentator Carli Lloyd announced an additional United States Women’s National Team (USWNT) retirement...

NEW YORK - NYCFC supporter Tony Aaronson stated that he was excited to travel to Portland for the first time since the Portland Proud Boys rally as he readied for the upcoming MLS Cup game.

Spanish language television network Telemundo announced a partnership with language learning application Duolingo to offer a Spanish language credit for any English speaking fans watching in hope...

CAIRO - Reporters from The Nutmeg News global division were finally able to locate the long lost 2022 National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule as, apparently, the much delayed schedule is...

Seattle, WA - Celebrating Sounders fan Gwen Williams celebrated the recent decision to rescind the Iron Front ban by finding a random Timbers fan on the street and telling him to go fuck himself.

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced the formation of a three team Super League that would contain Atlanta United, Los Angeles FC and the Seattle Sounders.

San Jose, CA - A shirtless fan in the supporters section of the San Jose Earthquakes was heard stating, “I could’ve made that shot,” after Earthquakes player Carlos Fiero had a shot on goal saved by...

Orlando, FL - Insiders are reporting that the Orlando City SC social media staff are struggling with which of the 37 losses from the last two years they should replay as they tried to figured out how...

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) insiders stated that the league was concerned that punishing Dante Vanzeir additionally for admitted racist language would alienate racists, as they push to...

Foxborough, MA - The New England Revolution, today, announced the hiring of former Spanish Football Executive Luis Rubiales to their coaching staff.

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) executives were reportedly confused as MAGA supporting soccer player Geoff Cameron requested a transfer to Washington D.C. in order to, “aid the Revolution.”

Sandy, UT - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced on Monday that they would be opening a disciplinary case against the Real Salt Lake team for entering Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s personal locker room in Rio...

Newark, NJ - Podcaster, blogger and all around soccer super fan Rich Breston has admitted that he somehow still retains hope that he is going to make money via soccer podcasting and blogging.

NEW YORK - MLS Champion New York City Football Club (NYCFC) today announced that due to a busy holiday schedule that their victory parade would he held at the site of their legendary 1-0 win over...

CHICAGO - After another bombshell report indicted another National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) male head coach of abusive, manipulative and inappropriate behavior, Chicago Red Stars owner Arnim...

Columbus, OH - Despite the result of MLS Cup 2020, Commissioner Don Garber indicated that Major League Soccer would be awarding MLS Cup to Atlanta United.

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today indicated that they were stepping ever closer to taking credit for keeping the Crew in Columbus after trying to rip the Crew out of Columbus in secret.

Minneapolis, MN - The husband of World Champion soccer player Julie Ertz won a regional sports trophy for American Football on Sunday evening as the Eagles of Philadelphia defeated the Patriots of...

Portland, OR - In a stunning move, Gavin Wilkinson, the General Manager of the Timbers, slammed Gavin Wilkinson, the General Manager of the Thorns, for their involvement in the Paul Riley scandal.

Nashville, TN - Major League Soccer franchise Nashville SC have reportedly traded Jack Maher to Atlanta United in exchange for 10,000 season ticket holders for the 2020 season.

Denver, CO - While in the middle of an unbidden rant comparing USMNT head coach Gregg Berhalter and genocidal mass murderer Adolph Hitler, Chance David thought, “this is going really well,” as his...

Cincinnati, OH - As the clock struck midnight on 2021, FC Cincinnati were found to be eliminated from the 2022 Major League Soccer playoffs.

Chevy Chase, MD - D.C. United fan Darryl Williams complained that, “I don’t understand why I can’t go to a game without hearing about politics,” as he wore his 2019 D.C. United Military Camouflage...

Minneapolis, MN - The husband of World Champion soccer player Julie Ertz won a regional sports trophy for American Football on Sunday evening as the Eagles of Philadelphia defeated the Patriots of...

NEW YORK - The 2020 Major League Soccer season is, reportedly, coming to an end today as jubilant Sporting Kansas City fans celebrated their Supporters Shield win and finishing the season without any...

Portland, OR - Releasing a letter to the general populace, Portland Thorns owner Merritt Paulson stated, “Someone should really get the Portland Thorns organization under control,” before adding that...

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire, today, announced a stunning rebrand of the Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise as they boldly laid out the conversion of the team from Major League Soccer franchise to a...

Portland, OR - Dissatisfied with the way the ownership of the Timbers and Thorns have dealt with the alleged sexual abuse of Thorns players by Paul Riley and the way in which the team responded to...

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced that the first mission for the newly formed United States Space Force would be to retrieve the ball shot into orbit from Chris Wondolowski during the...

Cary, NC - In a wide ranging interview allegedly conducted by The Nutmeg News, cafeteria Christian Jaelene HInkle stated, " Nowhere in the Bible does it say that I can't make money off the decades of...

Punxsutawney, PA - Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator of prognosticators, was removed from his temporary residence and reported that he saw his shadow which means two more weeks without a National...

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson announced that he was leaving the social media platform Twitter for the 63rd time as he bid adieu to Twitter, deleted the app, re-installed the...

WASHINGTON - In recent comments to Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News reporter Jonathan Tannenwald , Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber promised a safe space and refuge for Neo-Nazis, gang...

Austin, TX - Stating, “These times were some of the best in my life,” a tearful Claudio Reyna stated that he would be leaving Austin FC in order to spend more time blackmailing the coaches of his son...

Kansas City, MO - Players for the San Jose Earthquakes reported that their in-flight WiFi access was also blocked by Tim Melia as the team flew home after their penalty kick loss in the playoffs.

San Diego, CA - While attending the recent Serbia v United States friendly, USMNT fan Derrick Smith stated, "no politics, bro," while wearing a flag cape and a Back To Back World War Champ t-shirt.

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) today announced a new innovative bottle throwing sponsorship for their fans with international brand Pepsico.

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Elizabeth Montgomery reportedly yelled, “put your flag down, I’m trying to watch the game,” during the recent Sounders v LA Galaxy game in Seattle despite moving to the...

MIAMI - In accordance with CDC guidelines in response to COVID-19, the defunct North American Soccer League (NASL) stated that it would extend the league cancellation in place since 2017.

INTERNET - Former NYCFC player David Villa allegedly issued a statement supporting Claudio Reyna stating, “He knows how to keep secrets,” as he issued a strongly worded appreciation of the sporting...

Cary, NC - An effusive Jaelene Hinkle stated that she was, "Thrilled and grateful for the second chance to hate lesbians internationally," after she was offered a second chance to represent the...

NEW YORK - After heartbroken fans took to the internet to complain about the lack of an NWSL victory celebration with the team and the fans, the leaders of Gotham FC indicated that the true NWSL...

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation, today, sent out a Dr. King tweet in an attempt at some poorly thought out compassionate branding not less than one year after banning athletes from non-violent...

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson took to the field, on Friday evening, to blame the Timbers Army for the recent loss against the Seattle Sounders as he cited the failures of the...

Columbus, OH - In Central Ohio folklore, Precourt is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon”, who, during the Crewsmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved....

Portland, OR - The scandal doused organization known as the Portland Timbers reportedly asked if the 5th investigation into the club would be free with a completed punch card.

LOS ANGELES - Chivas USA replacement team LAFC announced, on Thursday, that they hired former Chivas USA head coach Bob Bradley with the mandate of, "Don't turn this squad into Chivas USA."

Atlanta, GA - According to the internet, Atlanta United fan Ben Cresswell spent most of his Monday repeatedly asking writers and fans on Facebook and Twitter why the recent article about the upcoming...

KANSAS CITY - Authorities in Kansas City announced today that Sporting Kansas City (SKC) superfan Kevin "KEVIÑCHO" Lopez has been placed in protective custody this weekend, "in order to provide for...

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers, a partially owned subsidiary of Hank Paulson, announced their plan to solve the self inflicted Iron Front debacle by intentionally angering their own fans.