Lindsay @Rollinintheseat Twitter profile

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Lindsay

3 years

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations? Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

1 month

I was at the park this morning and some kid said, “Hey dad, do you want to play ‘is it a fart or a shart’?” And the dad said, “That is a game for HOME!”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 months

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 months

Pulling my phone up off the floor by the phone charger is the closest I’ll ever come to fishing.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

“Please arrive to your doctor appointment 15 minutes early so our secretary can explain why we’re running 45 minutes late.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

*Password looks at itself in the mirror* "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

[Spelling bee] Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’. Me: “I-N-V-U-“ Judge: I am pretty awesome.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 months

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app* Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book. Me: *starts another book while I wait* *two hours later* Libby app: Your hold is ready.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

[Blind date] Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair? Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

8 years

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 months

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart Email: You have a new message in MyChart Text message: You have a new message in MyChart Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 months

It’s not a true driver’s license picture unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

I want to see an engagement photo captioned, “She said okay!”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Enter password 'Snowflake' Re-enter password 'Snowflake' Your passwords are not alike

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like “My mom fed me pinecones when I was a baby.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

9 years

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,"I'm in this now."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

Who called it a snow globe and not a Shakesphere?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

[High school reunion] Person: "I don't remember you." Me: *starts crying* Person: "Now I remember you."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

9 years

Coworker: "How was your weekend?" Me: "You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

Don’t put the Paul McCartney before the Paul Mchorsey.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair? Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

So you like girls who don't play by the rules?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

10 years

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, "I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, "I have a lot of friends who walk.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 months

*Gets a text at 6:30 PM* Me: Who would be texting this late?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

The slogan for Canada Dry should be "Sorry you’re sick.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise? Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

9 years

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

*shows up 45 minutes late for my interview to be a cable installer* Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

The slogan for 7UP should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

9 years

*Bill Gates knocks on your door* "Have you accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions into your heart."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 months

Friend: How was your job interview? Me: I think I hugged him too long.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

9 years

Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

*Listening to a DJ Khaled song* Friend: “Who is this?” Me: “He’ll tell you in a few seconds.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

When someone tells you their hands are cold, there's a 95% chance they're going to put their hands on you to prove how cold they are.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Sorry I missed your outdoor party. I was busy sitting in my air conditioned house.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Shaq’s manager: We have an idea for you to endorse- Shaq: Yes.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

The slogan for Canada Dry should be "I hope you feel better."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

8 years

Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?" Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

The Grinch has some bad qualities, but at least he's a dog person.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.” Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Sprite's slogan should be "Sorry You're Sick."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

11 years

If you know someone who can spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in their head, they are a wizard and should not be trusted

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

Person: “What’s your handicap?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I don’t golf.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 months

When people don’t get my reference to The Princess Bride, I send them back to where they were. Unemployed, in Greenland.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples* Baker: "When is your wedding?" Me: *with mouthful of cake* "What wedding?"

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

When I got vaccinated the pharmacist asked my dad “Should I ask you the pre-vaccination questions or her?” I sent a survey about my experience, saying, “Don’t assume a wheelchair user can’t speak for themselves.” The pharmacist called and apologized, saying I taught her something

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

Macaulay Culkin should start a mortgage company called Home a Loan.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

A woman on Wheel of Fortune got this puzzle wrong three times. I’m yelling at the television like I’m watching a football game.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

I use a wheelchair. A person with a clear mental challenge told me she liked my dress. A person with no mental challenge told the person I was with “I like her dress.” Some people are smarter than others in ways that matter most.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Me: *in the back of a police car* Can I pet your dog?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

9 years

Person: "What caused your downfall?" Me: "I chased waterfalls. I should have stuck to the rivers and the lakes I was used to."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

"So, is there a Gal Fieri?"-woman flirting with Guy Fieri

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 months

People should say “bless you” in the same pitch and volume as the sneeze.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

Boss: “You have to climb the corporate ladder.” Me [from my wheelchair]: “According to Section 4.9 of the Americans with Disabilities Act, you have to build a ramp next to the corporate ladder.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Why can’t concerts be in the afternoon? I'd have time for lunch, and still get home to be in my pajamas by 8:00 PM.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8% Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

8 years

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

Your password must have eight characters “TheBradyBunch” Your password must have a special character “TheBradyBunchAndAlice”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

When people see my wheelchair and tell me I’m an “inspiration”, I like to ask “For what?” and see what they say.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

Reset Password ‘TomCruise’ Your password is too short

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

8 years

I have a great idea for a tv show where a cartoon character actually ages and changes clothes.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

1 year

I’m at my most insecure, when Microsoft Word asks if I want to save changes to a document, when I’m sure I didn’t make any changes.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

Reset password ‘KevinHart’ Your password is too short

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

“Please arrive to your appointment fifteen minutes early, so you can sit in the waiting room for half an hour.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Bing Crosby: "So, I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from one to 92." 93-year-old: "What about me?" Bing Crosby: "No, not you."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair? Me [from my wheelchair]: Why aren’t you in a wheelchair?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

8 years

According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

[Restaurant] Waiter: *sees my wheelchair and asks the person I’m with what I want* Me: “A different waiter.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

iPhone Pedometer: You’ve taken 29 steps today. Me: [from my wheelchair] “When?!”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

Roll up to the club, like “These stairs are in violation of Section 4.9 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

17 days

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Reset Password 'Altoids' Your password is curiously strong

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 years

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing* *Do not attempt flashes across the screen* Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours* “Okay.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

I used to help in a class of students with intellectual disabilities. One student who had problems with controlling the volume of his voice yelled “Then I saw her face!” The student beside him whispered “Now I’m a believer.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

I had generic Frosted Flakes this morning. They were gggggooood.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Interviewer: "Why would you make a good customer service representative?" Me: "I'm good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

6 months

My New Year’s resolution is to pet more dogs and ignore more people.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

5 years

No matter how old I get, back to school commercials will still give me a panic attack.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Who called him Iron Man and not Fe Male?

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

One day “Brittany” is going to be an old lady name and it will be hilarious.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

*Goes on a date with someone I met on the internet* Him: "This has been fun." Me: "When can I meet the dog in your profile picture?"

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

8 years

[First date] *ketchup bottle makes a fart noise and my date doesn't laugh* Me: "This date is over."

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

2 years

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

7 years

Reset Password 'CargoAndBermuda' Your password is two shorts

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

4 years

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.” Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

1 year

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

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Lindsay

@Rollinintheseat

3 years

Everyone knows you signed that birthday card on your steering wheel right before you went into the party.

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