Racc @RaccoonEggs Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@isabella_posset

@YGOkyukyoku

@WislaKrakowSA

@Bulldog_Villa

@danpdev

@LoveBitesCarnie

@Justin_hima

@GF0LK

@hobofunnieshow

@JoinSquad

@kFDqp87lrGPuQKb

@ParveenYograj

@stwgemoy

@jennif_mroch

@fran_alvaro33

@John_Summerton

@HamiltonNature

@ProfEmilyCaston

@kafimusica

@ov_4y_a

@tomoya_wakasugi

@ipenpaipon

@ExteriorsbyWM

@DrRobertMaher

@sktsreversebb

@arathejay

@FatimaI83856443

@omv

@PesLegenboy

@TOAD__MODE

@Rhodestexas

@Machi_0330

@ijigentokyo

@loverdiess

@zmoonaw

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Storm area 51 with pride flags so if they shoot you it's a queer hate crime

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5 years

Just saw a crackhead trying to untangle their AirPods

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Wendy’s will claim their food is fresh and never frozen but then have the audacity to serve you a drink with ice

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

Every day this generation grows older we get closer to seeing “deadass” in a crossword puzzle

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Before slavery was abolished, every bedroom was a master bedroom

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@RaccoonEggs

3 years

I’m paying 70 dollars a night for an Airbnb with no kitchen and now they’re arguing upstairs about whether or not to kick me out because I tried heating my food with a lighter

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My 5 year old nephew says chicken as “jicken” and it’s the cutest thing ever. I just want to kick his fucking teeth in. I don’t have a nephew

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

If land is made up of tectonic plates, then floods are just Earth washing the dishes

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

I knew a kid in 1st grade that was a really good rapper but he got hit by a bus and forgot how to talk so now he’s just the instrumental version

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Why do people lick their fingers before turning the page in a book and not just lick the whole corner of the book

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I don’t use Touch ID on my phone cause I might forget my fingerprint

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Why do people say daddy issues instead of father bother

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

For every shitty meme reply I get to my tweets I purposefully delay the next video by a day

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Your kids are like fucked up drawings of yourself, and your dick is the pen

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Fuck it I’m posting a CS vid tomorrow

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

in class: 2+2=4 exam: Kevin has 13 dead hookers in his hotel room, he spins one on a roulette table and tries to land the ball in its mouth, the hooker flies out of the hotel room window and ricochets off a telephone pole into an uncovered manhole. How much money did Kevin win?

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

racc its 4 am stop tweeting go to sleep are you high please say sike delete this are you ok lay off the weed that’s enough twitter for today jazz music stops

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Lmao imagine not microwaving your cereal

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Do you think anybody’s ever gotten the same rock caught in their shoe twice

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Hitting the vape is for pussies, I drink the vape juice and sneeze out the vapor

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I panicked and threw my router at a spider the size of my hand

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Why don’t they make hourglasses already upside-down so I don’t have to wait for the fucking sand

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

Starting in 2020, • Pinocchio wanting to be a real boy is transphobic • The Nesquik bunny is cultural appropriation • Giving a mime “mad props” is a microaggression • Talking is offensive to deaf people

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Getting circumcised is just the biological equivalent of removing the silencer

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Just found out euthanasia is not a country

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I accidentally left the freezer door open last night and a bunch of ice crawled out and stole the whole refrigerator

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Lmao my dumb ass left the phone in the oven

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5 years

For my high school science fair project I microwaved a car battery with my face right up against the glass giving a big dumbfuck smile to see if the shrapnel would ricochet off my teeth

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

You tryna tell me your son dried these tomatoes

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

Hijacking a plane shouldn’t be illegal, all you’re doing is taking over for the pilot once he gets sleepy forever

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

If you get beaten up by a bald guy, does that mean that Mr. Clean did you dirty

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

How are you supposed to hold a nonstick pan if it doesn’t have a stick

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

*picking up a girl at the bar* “I’m the guy that makes the patterns for bic lighters”

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Aren’t all dishes technically handwashed because you have to put them in the dishwasher with your hands

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I shot a bitch with an arrow and she fell in love with the ground

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5 years

Nothing gets me up in the morning quite like generalizing the entire human race off of a lifetime of being surrounded by shitty people and instinctually pushing away people that actually care about you as a result and coffee

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

What VR headset should I get?

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5 years

You haven’t lived in the hood until you’ve seen a homeless guy drag an entire whale carcass filled with plastic to the grocery store bottle return

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

Crazy how you can feel a baby kicking inside the womb but once you lasso it into a river it can’t swim for shit

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Doctors in China don’t ask if you want an abortion, they just ask if you want takeout or delivery

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

If you bust a nut to porn and then your computer bluescreens, does that mean its a boy

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Felt cute, might relapse later

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

What’s the point of sunglasses if you can just rub sunscreen on your eyeballs

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I wonder if artists that rap about illegal drugs are on an FBI playlist

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5 years

I’m glad I’m losing my verification, now the phishing links and gift card scams can weed out the weaklings in a sick twisted battle royale of cyber-natural selection

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Love is a pair of crooked teeth, and I’m looking for someone to be my retainer

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Peoples' eyes are the same color, which means they have homochromia. Therefore everyone on earth is homo

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Fuck off with the daily Raid: Shadow Legends sponsorship offers, if I wanted a good PvE campaign I’d get a job as a watchtower sniper on the Mexican border

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Having never met anyone like you is the second loneliest feeling ever, right behind being a deaf orphan chained to a radiator

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

If space is a vacuum, why is my keyboard so dusty

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Oil was a groundbreaking discovery

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Crazy how there’s probably people out there who used to run up the slide as a kid that now have no legs, or are just straight up dead

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@RaccoonEggs

3 years

Thanks for coming out to the stream, will do more this week

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My eyeballs are allergic to hearing

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Every time I see a lifeguard rescue a drowning kid, it just seems like the lifeguard is flexing that they can swim better. It would be less ableist if they just drowned with them so they don’t feel alone

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

In high school I was voted most likely to be in the yearbook

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Took down the new vid, wasn’t happy with it, I know I can do better

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

If you suck on a flute instead of blow you can play any song backwards

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My monitor cable broke yesterday so I tried editing with muscle memory, got a new cable today just to find that I somehow deleted the recycle bin

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Imagine if you tried to send a letter via carrier pigeon and the pigeon just flew back home and fucked his wife using your letter as a condom

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My friend’s phone glitched and sent me the same text twice, I ended up staring at it for an hour cause I thought he was challenging me to a game of spot the difference

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Yeah I’m in an open relationship, my wife can bring home any guy she wants because that’s what my little sugar snatch deserves. Eyes quiver, heartbeat flies with colors. The static is warm, feels like rain. Fading from existence, a quiet embrace. The day of judgement draws forth

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I have a 3 hour layover, say something that will make me laugh

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

If you shove the handle of a knife into an electric pencil sharpener it makes a power drill. Try this at home

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Put my whole ribcage under my pillow and waited for the rib fairy, bitch gave me a rack for a rack, now I got droopy back

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Giraffes have to bend over really far to tie their shoes

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My cousin is a flat-birther, he thinks babies are flat and that their third dimension is an optical illusion caused by having round eyeballs

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

@brookehouts You’re a really good trainer, I wish I could teach my dog how to flinch

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

It still works

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Dating advice: If you say “lip balm” next to a TSA agent they’re legally required to shove their whole hand in your mouth

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

The appendix is the foreskin of the organs

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I get the motivation to edit for once and within the first few minutes I accidentally delete a recording that makes up over half the video

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I defeated millions in a vaginal skirmish just to tweet jokes from a swivel chair

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

A peppermint is like the founding of America because the red eventually washes out until it’s just white

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Configuring update for Windows 10 35% complete Do not turn off your computer

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

I’m glad my favorite social media influencer tells me everything will be okay so I don’t have to waste effort on treating my life-threatening jaundice

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I’m gonna tie an angry pitbull to a post in my front yard to deter trick-or-treaters, and then tie a bowl of candy to its back to see if anyone’s desperate enough

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@RaccoonEggs

2 years

I uploaded a video

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

I woke up to the sound of my neighbors mowing their lawn and immediately thought there were bees in the walls

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

The best way to make friends is to express yourself in a way that will attract people with common interests, like faking a heart attack in a senior care home

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Any gun can be a staple gun if it’s a staple of your household

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Had my video nearly done and now my PC won’t turn on, there’s been a fucking toxic mold outbreak in the house I just moved to that’s making me sick, and my previous landlord jumped states with my security deposit, 2019 is gonna be a good year

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

You haven't tasted true defeat until you've gotten into a snowball fight with an albino boy

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@RaccoonEggs

6 years

Just burned the shit out of a turkey and my whole kitchen looks like a Native American smoke signal

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Or are all dishes dishwasher-washed because your hands are a dishwasher. Fuck

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My shitty mattress got my back looking like a y=√x graph

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

we should stop using capital letters it's offensive to people with all lower case names

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

My doctor diagnosed me with failure to thrive, this is probably karma for saying that Eugenia Cooney jumping in a pool sounds like a Snapchat notification

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

An IRL livestream is just a lets play of Earth

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

Casts and braces both straighten out bones but braces take way longer, so we could save a lot of time by just putting peoples’ teeth in tiny casts

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

A recent autopsy revealed that Epstein died by autoerotic asphyxiation after attempting to use a loaf of prison bread to recreate what he referred to as a “peanut butter and Jeffery sandwich”

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

Picking out a suit for my job interrogation

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

iFunny invaded Poland

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@RaccoonEggs

4 years

Nobody is being their honest selves on the internet, take everything you read with an entire salt shaker. Also, just found out I’m preggers

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@RaccoonEggs

5 years

You know what they say about guys with big feet, they have big shoes

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