Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Lady Lawya

@Parkerlawyer

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divorce lawyer | mom to a bazillion kids | | please send all dms to @funderlaw |

https://t.co/HxjA7xrq11

Joined March 2012

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

9 months

In college this boy I liked asked me to lunch and also to go to the laundromat. So I went and brought my laundry. It was a great date. Weeks later he was at my apartment and said, “Hey! When did you get this washer/dryer?” And I said, “Oh I’ve always had that.” He married me.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

1 year

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

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Lady Lawya

4 years

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

4 months

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

5 months

I cooked a frozen lasagna with frozen garlic bread and a frozen apple pie for dessert and my son (literally oblivious this was all store bought) looked at me so genuinely and said, “In my life, I have never had anything you have made that tasted as good as this.”

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

2 months

At dinner my husband said, “Can you give me the short version on why Kate Middleton is trending?” No sir I cannot.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

2 months

Husband, “Today would be a great day to stay off social media and not watch the news.” Me, a person who will drive 45 miles out of the way to avoid driving over a bridge, “Why?”

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Lady Lawya

8 months

Is it possible to be a divorce lawyer TOO long? Because I absolutely lost my mind today on a client who demanded me to do *something* bc her husband returned the child after a visit and forgot one of the child’s outfits that “she paid for.” People. For the love of god. S T O P.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

9 months

By the way, we also divorced but had 15 lovely years and 4 beautiful children. He is a fantastic dad and a true friend. (And he didn’t get the washer/dryer.)😊

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

6 years

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.” Husband, “What does it say?” Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.” H, “The engine?” Me, “It looks more like a submarine.” H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?” Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

3 months

My parents have been married 60 years. My mom told me she has been giving my dad the same Valentine’s Day card for TWENTY years. And the beauty is he has no idea. He reads it in its entirety every year. And then she puts it back in a drawer for next year. Freaking genius.

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Lady Lawya

10 months

My daughter sent this text during the break of Day 2 of the bar exam. I’m going to go ahead and tell you, this guy not only is going to pass but he is going to make the most money in the room.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

6 years

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me...then screamed April Foooools and hung up. It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

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Lady Lawya

28 days

In high school we had to do a presentation on a current event topic that intersected with our Catholic faith. I chose birth control pills vs. the Rhythm Method and said the latter didn’t work. My teacher said, “How do you know this?” I said, “Well for starters I’m standing here.”

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Lady Lawya

1 year

Yesterday at mediation with 4 male attorneys, not only did the mediator refer to me as “Sugar” but also asked if I could get him something for lunch (this was not at my office, hence not my responsibility) like my job is to make sure the men’s tummies are full. It is 2022.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

6 months

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?! Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

6 years

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

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Lady Lawya

2 years

Everyone says the first thing you should do if you win the Mega Millions is hire a lawyer. I am a lawyer. I will be your lottery lawyer. I have no idea what to do but we gonna have a good time.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

I went to lunch with friends and saw my husband at the restaurant. I was going to say his name but he was staring at his phone so I watched him. He was smiling. He typed. Then my phone dinged. And it was a video he forwarded of a dog wrestling a water hose. This is love.

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Lady Lawya

3 months

My husband asked me how to clear his google search history and at first I said google it lol and then immediately grabbed his laptop to look at his search history. And before you come for me for not being a trusting, doting wife I urge you to watch just one episode of Dateline.

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Lady Lawya

6 years

I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best...then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”

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Lady Lawya

8 years

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other. I went to law school for this.

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Lady Lawya

2 years

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

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Lady Lawya

6 months

Americans can’t have vacation times like other countries because I’ve had just a few days off and I want to quit my job but if I had 6 weeks off I DEFINITELY would quit my job and never go back.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

2 years

Daughter, 23, law student, goes to dinner with friends. She orders an appetizer and 1 drink. Total $22. Friends (older, employed) order entrees, wine, and dessert. End of meal, friends say, “LET’S JUST SPLIT IT!” Daughter’s new total $84. What is the right response here? (I know)

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Lady Lawya

4 months

carried it open faced like a sandwich to the director’s office and slammed it on her desk. I don’t know how I wasn’t arrested but my baby never went back and I didn’t have to pay for that month. Moral of story: if you trust someone with your baby, MAKE THEM EARN YOUR TRUST.

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Lady Lawya

5 months

He turns 20 in two weeks. So that is 20 years of really terrible cooking apparently.😬

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Lady Lawya

4 years

My ex-husband is at the grocery store and texted, “Send me your list. I know you need things. No need for both of us to be unnecessarily exposed.” I’m dealing with so many parents at work who are not working together, but this... this right here is how it’s done.

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Lady Lawya

28 days

I failed to add that I got into SO MUCH TROUBLE for this response. I can’t remember the grade I got but I remember getting sent to the principal’s office and having to apologize to my teacher for my blatant “disrespect.”

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Lady Lawya

10 days

My husband was consulted on a divorce case by a client who had been served papers from me. Once husband realized the conflict he explained he couldn’t help him. The client said, “Well, who can?” And my husband correctly said, “No one.”

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Lady Lawya

5 months

Happy 20th birthday to my son! And to all the pregnant mamas: Even if you aren’t due for 3 weeks, do NOT volunteer to be the Designated Driver during a Christmas party. You could end up driving yourself to the hospital while your drunk family sings Christmas carols in the car.

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Lady Lawya

1 year

I just learned that a client who hired me twice to do two different divorces from the same woman in the span of four and a half years, just got remarried. To the same woman. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again?

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Lady Lawya

15 days

My daughter took the bar exam in a second state and just found out she passed. She has court at 3pm so I volunteered to stand in for her so she could go celebrate. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want the judge to think I’m unserious.” So anyway, I’m on my 2nd champagne.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

4 months

@Digory29 I still wouldn’t have noticed. It was B A D!!

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Lady Lawya

4 years

My husband just frantically rushed into the living room fidgeting with his car keys and said, “I need to go, um, run a couple of errands. Be back later.” It’s 4 days until Christmas. He’s way ahead of schedule this year.

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Lady Lawya

2 years

I’m going to get a drink while that’s still legal for me to do.

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Lady Lawya

1 month

We are poolside sipping tropical drinks from pineapples and just vibing and enjoying life. My very catholic mom texts: Don’t forget to fast today but if you do eat, do not eat meat. And I know you’re out of town but it is a holy day of obligation so if there is a church nearby…

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Lady Lawya

10 months

@PapaPca32 The ability to find humor in a moment of sheer torture and stress and simultaneously put others at ease…. You can’t teach that.

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Lady Lawya

4 months

When my daughter was a baby she went to this expensive, fancy pants daycare. Every day they gave the parents a sheet with the number of feedings, diaper changes, naps, etc. One week she had a terrible diaper rash and I questioned the diaper change frequency. The director 1/3

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Lady Lawya

28 days

@nearbankrupt She was subtly teaching me that perhaps the pill was a better option. And she’s CATHOLIC catholic.

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Lady Lawya

6 months

I met an elderly man at the airport. He’s leaving on a cruise to the Mediterranean and will be gone until January. I said that sounded incredible and he said, “My wife passed and I just miss her so much. She would want me to see the world I just wish she was with me to see it.”😭

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Lady Lawya

4 years

My son fell off a swing and twisted his ankle last night. He was very dramatic about it so I made him soak it in the tub and said it’ll be fine in the morning. This morning he couldn’t walk. An X-ray revealed his leg was BROKEN! I signed his cast: “Love, Mother of the Year.”

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Lady Lawya

6 years

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

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Lady Lawya

4 years

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.” Good God that’s customer service.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

My husband did a tweet that has over 400 likes. His notifications are turned on so every single time one of you like it he exclaims, “GOT ANOTHER ONE!” Please pray for me during this difficult time.

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Lady Lawya

4 months

Assured me that if the sheet said she was changed, she was changed. The next day I took a sharpie marker and put an X on the front of her diaper. When I picked her up that night at 6:30, she was wearing the same diaper. I immediately took the very soiled diaper off and 2/3

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Lady Lawya

5 years

Before you marry someone: 1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal. 2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on. 3. Watch them brush their teeth. 4. Make sure you are temperature compatible. 5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.

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Lady Lawya

18 days

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.” Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

Today is my ex-husband’s birthday. Our kids chose a cake from the bakery, I ordered it online and my husband picked it up this morning. In an hour my ex will be here for his family birthday party. Just because we stopped being married doesn’t mean we stopped being parents.

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Lady Lawya

10 years

I'm pretty sure Twitter is the smoking section of Facebook.

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Lady Lawya

4 months

My daughter, a law school graduate, passer of the bar exam and full grown attorney just showed me her multivitamin she’s been taking for months. She said, “I think I misunderstood this.” It says for Women 50+ and she thought the 50+ meant 50+ vitamins in each pill.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

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Lady Lawya

6 years

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing. LAUGHING. When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

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Lady Lawya

4 years

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

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Lady Lawya

4 months

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

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Lady Lawya

6 years

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

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Lady Lawya

3 years

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.” I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

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Lady Lawya

4 months

My husband got mistaken for Ted Cruz again last night. The person asked if he could take his picture with him and my husband said, “I would love to but we are in a really big hurry. We have a flight to Cancun.”

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Lady Lawya

2 years

I’ve been on a diet for 4.5 months and have dropped 30 pounds. Slow and steady but it’s working. Husband, out of nowhere tonight, “Did you do something different with your hair?”

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Lady Lawya

6 years

9, “If I tell you a joke will you Tweet it?” Me, “I don’t think my friends will think it’s funny but ok.” 9,”Pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. -Sir you have a steering wheel in your pants.- "Argh. It's driving me nuts." Me, “I stand corrected.”

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Lady Lawya

4 years

MY DAUGHTER WAS ACCEPTED TO LAW SCHOOL TODAY AND YES I’M SCREAMING. THERE’S ABOUT TO BE TWO OF ME.

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Lady Lawya

3 years

My wish for all of you is that you receive a Valentine as wholesome as the one my 11 year old son received today.

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Lady Lawya

8 months

MY BABY CHILD PASSED THE BAR EXAM!!!! SHE DID THE DAMN THING!!!!

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Lady Lawya

6 years

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.” Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

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Lady Lawya

3 years

I’ve been a family law attorney for 18 years and I have never made it through an adoption hearing without crying. Today was no exception. The little girl who was adopted said, “Thanks for doing all this for me.” Oh my heart.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

I’m working from home and I’m up to my eyeballs in a nasty divorce trial prep. My kid just walked in and handed me an ice cream sandwich and said, “This will take the edge off” and walked out of the room. Is he a Rockstar? Superstar? My own personal Jesus? I haven’t decided yet

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Lady Lawya

3 months

I have a new client who found out her husband was cheating in the most INSANE way I’ve heard in 20 years. The case is brand new so I can’t speak about it but I have her permission to share once the divorce is final. You guys are going to flip OUT. Don’t let me forget to tell you!

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Lady Lawya

3 months

@austinamy8 You haven’t met my dad.

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Lady Lawya

7 months

My husband and I are going away for the weekend. He just came downstairs and asked me if he needed to pack “restaurant clothes.” He is 55 years old.

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Lady Lawya

2 years

A new divorce client said to me, “Well, it’s basically the end of the world with everything going on so might as well enjoy myself by not being married to someone who makes me miserable.” This. Is. Self. Care.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

@AlannaBennett Just today my Dad called me and said, “Hey I have a quick legal question.” (I’m a lawyer.) He then followed up with, “Is your husband home?” (He’s also a lawyer.)

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Lady Lawya

6 months

We are at dinner with rich people in Las Vegas. The sweet lady to my right asked, “Ughh did you have to land in Henderson?” To which I said, “Land?” And she replied, “Your plane, I mean. We had to land in Henderson. It took forever to get here.” Ma’am. We flew Delta. Main cabin.

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Lady Lawya

1 year

In court a witness asked, “Can you speak to me like a human being?” (Because apparently he didn’t appreciate my tone.) So I made him read a series of text messages where he’s cussing out his child’s mother and then asked, “Like this?”

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Lady Lawya

2 years

It’s never a good idea to have court on Halloween. My judge today has no idea how hard I had to persuade my client that, no, he cannot come dressed as Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean.

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Lady Lawya

1 year

My son asked what I was giving up for Lent and I jokingly said, “I’m giving up everyone else’s bullshit.” Fast forward to my son’s teacher (at his CATHOLIC school) asking, “What’s the most unique thing someone gave up this Lenten season?” You know how this ends.

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Lady Lawya

2 years

I met with a potential new client and I could just tell something was off…they just didn’t sit well with my spirit…then at the end I quoted my retainer. Bad vibe client, “Who THE F**K do you think you are?” Me, “Not your lawyer.” Never forget you have the power to do that.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes. If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

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Lady Lawya

1 year

My husband got upgraded to first class on our flight home and he went to the desk and told the boss lady in charge there must be a mistake, he would like for me to be in first class instead. So anyway long story short we both flew home first class.

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Lady Lawya

8 months

I’ve been taking my daughter to court while she waits for bar exam results. Yesterday I dismantled a witness in a forceful way that left him crying. Literally. My client leaned over to my daughter and said, “Did you know she can be that mean?” Daughter, “That was her being nice.”

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Lady Lawya

1 year

You know what I have learned in almost 20 years as a divorce lawyer? A woman comes to her consultation alone or with a friend. A man comes to his consultation alone or brings his mother. It may be a southern thing but damn it happens at least 2x a week. A grown man and his mommy.

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Lady Lawya

6 years

My husband is drunk mansplaining golf to me and I have never been more unattracted to a human being in my life.

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Lady Lawya

6 months

I asked my son if he wanted to go shopping with me. Son, “I really don’t.” Me, “We’re going to test drive that car you wanted.” Son, driving home in his new car, “All these years I thought you just went to Target on Black Friday. This is the best day of my life.”

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Lady Lawya

2 years

A potential new client yelled at me (he didn’t like hearing the truth) so I stood up, pointed toward my door and said “We’re done here.” Him, “What’s wrong with you? Do you not like money?” I smiled and said, “I like money, I don’t like you.”

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Lady Lawya

3 years

17, calling from gas station, “Something is wrong with the pump. It won’t fit in my car.” Me, “Did you accidentally grab the diesel hose?” 17, “There’s a different kind of hose?” Me *laughing* 17, “It’s not funny. Do NOT tweet about this.” Me, “I must.” 17, “No one will like it.”

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Lady Lawya

3 years

48 and loving it❤️

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Lady Lawya

5 years

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance: Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun? 15: good

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Lady Lawya

8 months

@mkotts_nary It’s a requirement here as well. Outstanding class, actually. Some people can’t see the big picture in the middle of divorce unfortunately.

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Lady Lawya

3 years

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

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Lady Lawya

3 years

This Mother’s Day I would like a very cold hotel room, black out curtains, an Ambien, and no other human being present. Thank you in advance.

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Lady Lawya

2 months

@DollySolaFide There is one bridge I have to drive over almost every day and that one I can do no issue…..So you are right about the exposure!

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Lady Lawya

2 years

My husband was folding his laundry and he pulled out black lace panties and looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I don’t know who these belong to I swear.” Which is a completely normal reaction from one divorce lawyer to another. Deny, deny, deny. They were mine by the way.

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Lady Lawya

2 years

I went to dinner with friends and all 6 of us rode in my bff’s suv. I was in the very back and I opened a compartment and found a full on switch blade knife. Me, “WHY DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE BACK HERE?” And she said, “Just in case I’m kidnapped and held back there I can stab him!”

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Lady Lawya

3 years

I won my trial today and the bailiff made me wait in the lobby for 10 mins to make sure the party on the other side was gone. He said, “After that cross examination, you may not be safe.” It’s taken 18 years but I’ve finally reached the pinnacle of my profession.

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Lady Lawya

4 years

My daughter got her college graduation gift last night. I am in love! Help us name him!

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Lady Lawya

2 years

Ok, so 19 years of divorce lawyering and for the first time I have a cheating spouse who got caught cheating on LinkedIn. I mean, at least they kept it professional.

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Lady Lawya

5 years

I told my client to dry her tears and buckle up before walking into the courtroom and when we sat down she literally “air” buckled a pretend seatbelt and I have a new best friend now.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

5 months

We have a Christmas Eve party and my 25 year old said, “We can’t stay too late bc you have to be back to set out Santa when we all go to bed.” Me, “Santa? As in, Clause? Be serious. Y’all are grown!” But for real I can’t stay late bc I have to do Santa once the kids go to bed.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

4 years

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

6 years

Each time we get in the car I say, “Buckle up.” After hearing this every day for 8 years, my son just whispered to his friend in the backseat, “She says that to protect us because she’s not that great at driving.”

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@Parkerlawyer

Lady Lawya

6 years

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

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