Pjörk🐷 @NicoleConlan Twitter profile

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Pjörk🐷

@NicoleConlan

11 months

Much like the band on the Titanic, I will continue promoting my new podcast while the ship sinks:

‎The Climate Denier's Playbook: The Climate Denier's Playbook [Trailer] on Apple Podcasts

‎Show The Climate Denier's Playbook, Ep The Climate Denier's Playbook [Trailer] - Jun 28, 2023

podcasts.apple.com

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Last Seen Profiles

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Pjörk🐷

@NicoleConlan

2 years

Leonardo DiCaprio is so passionate about climate change because he wants to leave a better word for his girlfriends

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Revealing my baby's gender by crashing a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef

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@NicoleConlan

8 months

ME: I have to be on a strict budget because of the strike DOGGIE DAYCARE: Hey for a small fee we're doing a School Picture Day for dogs ME: .......

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Why are we limiting chips and salsa to Mexican restaurants? Why can't we serve them at Italian restaurants? Banks? OBGYN offices? Uniqlo?

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

Sorry how was Lady Gaga able to get all this makeup off so fast with no smears? If I wash my face like 5 times I still go to bed looking like the Joker

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

If Mr. Bean came to America he would be allowed to buy a gun immediately

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Absolutely heartbreaking to see so many of you continuing to follow and support people who are not problematic but that I personally don't like for reasons that aren't entirely clear to me

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Punk bands should support their aging fanbase by doing the occasional Sunday matinee

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Please tell me which mall in your hometown was The Good Mall and which was The Bad Mall.

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

From now on anyone who says they "love a man in uniform" had better mean like a Best Buy uniform

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@NicoleConlan

8 months

Why is Pizza Hut doing a cross-promotion with The Atlantic

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Thinking about the time Goofy tried to put his pants on over his skis. That moron. That absolute rube.

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

For every year the pandemic drags on, I add 1 bedroom to my future apartment requirements Yr 1 - I need a spare room for a gym/home office Yr 2 - one room gym, one room office Yr 3 - gym, office, separate room for quietly languishing (cannot be done in bedroom)

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

I'm the only millennial who still pays for cable and it's destroying me financially but it's all worth it because sometimes Tremors is on

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

I want what they have

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@NicoleConlan

5 months

Things a German shepherd husband would actually do: -- cry whenever he can't see where you are -- carry a Lambchop toy everywhere -- take horrible watery shits 95% of the time -- shed like a dying lama

🌴 Josh Lekach 🌴

@JoshLekach

5 months

This is what ALL women (who aren't on birth control) want

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

I like the phrase "organized crime" because it makes me picture Tony Soprano with a little planner

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

My bedtime routine is reading tweets and getting madder and madder

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

(they're non-binary, the coral was blue)

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

Idk what you people are talking about with "therapy speak." All my therapy sessions are like: Me: I'm worried I wasted my youth and my more successful friends are going to leave me behind Therapist: Okay. Let's say both those things are true. So what? Life goes on.

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

We must find a vaccine

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

I hope when I die they bury me alongside all my open Chrome tabs, like Tutankhamun among his treasures

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@NicoleConlan

8 months

WOW okay since Harmony is absolutely blowing up I have to share this photo of her with my mom's dog

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Absolutely 100% no question Rumble In The Bronx.

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@NicoleConlan

6 months

At an early Napoleon screening. All the Napoleon-heads showed up wearing their big ass bicorne hats. Can't see shit.

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Absolutely seething, foaming-at-the-mouth angry at this floor plan

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Always fun to get RT'd but we're about ten minutes away from actual French people coming in here and telling me all the mistakes I made (I've counted three so far!!)

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@NicoleConlan

8 months

Honestly I don't even like eating breakfast anyway and ramen for dinner is delicious

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@NicoleConlan

8 years

This picture of an anthropomorphic intestine holding its own ass is the only art I care for.

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Beowulf names are all like Hrothgar, Hrethric, Hrtothmund. Why don’t you Hrewrite your Hrambling-ass poem to be easier to Hread

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Hate it when that happens

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Joking about Leo's girlfriends is hack except when I do it

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Here's every character from King Of The Hill saying "Beto O'Rourke"

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@NicoleConlan

5 years

If we cancel student loan debt that's not fair to people like ME, who turned out to be tremendous failures even without debt

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

You thought an extra hour of sleep would be enough? It will NEVER be enough.

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@NicoleConlan

9 years

The Social Network but about the guy who invented Neopets

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Call me when someone plays a giant desk concert

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

In 2016 I was working for a failing sketch comedy website and the day after the election the CEO held an all-staff meeting where she cried and said, "The jokes we're telling now are more important than ever," so no matter what happens tomorrow it won't be worse than that

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@NicoleConlan

6 years

JACK RYAN: Okay, he's a spy, but mainly he's a financial analyst. OZARK: Okay, he's a drug dealer, but mainly he's a financial analyst. BALLERS: Okay he's an NFL star, but mainly he's a financial analyst. BUNCHA FINANCE DWEEBS OUT HERE MAKING TV SHOWS.

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

Now that Henry Cavill is out of Superman and The Witcher, he's free to sign on to my new project - a reboot of Air Bud where the whole basketball team is dogs and he's the one guy who wants to play dog basketball

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

If my nurse is famous on Tik Tok just let me die

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

When you think about it, Home Alone is really a testament to walkable neighborhoods

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

The main reason I voted for Biden is that my dog will now have the opportunity to Dave the president's dog

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

Imagine having the gift of flight and being forced to ride under a seat in Delta economy

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Aspiring TV writers!! This is the most important advice I can give you! First, ALWAY BE WRITING. Second, find the Amulet of Amruk-Sul. Inside the billionaire’s wine cellar, a bottle of '87 Cabernet is actually a handle that reveals a secret passageway. Pull it. 🧵

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Probably the coolest part of Hulu is how loud they're able to make their commercials

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@NicoleConlan

5 years

Very difficult to balance my need to be left the hell alone with my need for endless praise

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@NicoleConlan

8 months

@mjames323 Great now I have to add "dog art class" to my budget and remove uh... electricity I guess

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

The only "therapy speak" I know is "So what? Life goes on" and "We do not take insurance"

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Apparently they pumped Trump full of steroids and I just don't think it's fair that now he's going to be EVEN BETTER at basketball

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Me talking about how there used to be mid-budget comedies that were just okay but the act of going to see a movie in a theater with your friends was the point of seeing them anyway

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

...... Dad?

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@NicoleConlan

5 years

(threatening) Nice bar you've got here. Be a shame if someone decided to.......... run a comedy show in it.

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

You guys gotta stop replying to people with like 23 followers I'm begging you

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

I used to like books until I got on twitter and discovered authors

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

Did they... artificially chap her lips? Because they're smooth under the lipstick

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

wait a second

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

A weird amount of national security reporters have interacted with this tweet and I am concerned

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@NicoleConlan

5 years

I hope when straight men picture a ~*sexy women's locker room scene*~ they include the revolting wads of hair on every surface

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Every 90s sitcom revolved around: - Winning front row tickets to the big concert - Getting to the big concert on time - Making a huge confession in front of everyone on stage at the big concert

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

It's an honor just to be cropped out of Jon Lovitz's tweet

Jon Lovitz

@realjonlovitz

1 year

On the picket line for the Writer’s strike!

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

New sign just dropped

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@NicoleConlan

10 years

hey there delilah what's it like in new york city are you paying too much for rent and making a webseries

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@NicoleConlan

10 months

This is despicable but it's also such a hilarious misread of the situation. Bitch, you think I can't make it till October? I went two years between writing jobs last time! You've trained us for this!

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Am I gonna have to mute the word "comedians" on here

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Rep. Lauren Boebert

@RepBoebert

3 years

We’re 19 months in, and I’ve yet to see the CDC recommend exercise and healthy eating.

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

In the new Batman movie, his parents are killed in the year 2001, on their way home from a Good Charlotte concert

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@NicoleConlan

7 years

Be sensitive to your friends after the eclipse bc some of them prob switched bodies in a Freaky Friday sitch but are embarrassed to tell you

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

Doing numbers even with the typo. I'm untouchable.

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

🎵 Throw your dog the invisible bone

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Got back into skating during quar. Check out my sponsor me tape:

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Coup- coup- coupdio

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Every time I Google "haircuts for women with strong jaws" I get a picture like this and have to be like, "No no, like an ugly one"

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

I hate that I can't sing songs about wanting to fuck Santa Claus year round :(

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

@kylewaldrup Ah, the two-fer! Where they have a Nordstrom and also some sort of bedazzled cowgirl emporium

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

You're one micron away from understanding

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

@GraceGFreud Grace this sucks and I am sad and mad for you, but also... lol

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@NicoleConlan

10 years

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you... No. No, Inigo. IN-I-GO. No it's... Ugh, fine, yeah, it's Domingo." --Inigo Montoya at Starbucks

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

The best way to get astrology people to stop talking to me is to tell them I'm that new one that came out a few years ago and NOT BUDGE on it

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

@scottperezfox So far this is the explanation that makes the most sense

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

The most insane thing that is considered normal is people who go to sleep with the TV on

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Always sucks that the ball lowers slowly. Should plunge like Tower of Terror imo

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

imo when you mute an account you shouldn't still have to see all the people quote tweeting it, some real "I'm not touching you" shit

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@NicoleConlan

6 years

I like traveling because I get to reconnect with old friends and stress them out about how they're going to fit me into their schedule

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@NicoleConlan

8 years

I didn't "go up a size," I "transcended the medium."

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@NicoleConlan

8 years

Today is Gwen Stefani's birthday and this is your monthly reminder that somehow Ted Cruz is younger than Gwen Stefani.

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Malignant (2021), dir. James Wan

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@NicoleConlan

1 year

Lotta people in the QTs being like "Uh use oil, you idiot. You absolute rube." I USE OIL!! IT JUST SMEARS IT AROUND!

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

@Srirachachau

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@NicoleConlan

3 months

@BrotiGupta Every dog loves Lambchop!! I have never met a dog who isn't obsessed with lambchop

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Pjörk🐷

@NicoleConlan

11 months

Getting Neuralink implanted and after 600 thoughts it shuts down my brain's autonomic functions. My last thought is "Moths are goth butterflies" and then I shit my pants and stop breathing.

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Just had to explain to a cop that the car windows are all steamed up because my boyfriend and I are eating a bunch of Chinese food on here

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Potato Head is a MAN! He has a MUSTACHE! He's called "MISTER"! He keeps his extra arms and eyes and stuff in his ASS! Like a MAN!!!!

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Hey great news everyone, I just heard that if you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you actually don't have to post about Afghanistan. They're letting us off the hook on this one. We don't get in trouble for it or anything!

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@NicoleConlan

4 years

Please say hello to my new dog, Harmony. She cannot read this, because she is a dog, but I will relay your messages to her

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@NicoleConlan

2 years

@Srirachachau I've worked for several companies like this and every time I tried to bring up the idea that I would rather just have a little extra salary than free food, I was told in no uncertain terms that the food was designed to save my employer money

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@NicoleConlan

3 years

Update: I stepped on them :)

Pjörk🐷

@NicoleConlan

3 years

Buying nice sunglasses for the first time in my life and I will consider it an overwhelming success if I can go a full 3 days without sitting on them

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@NicoleConlan

8 months

No one out-pizzas The Atlantic

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