Not much pisses me off more than those assholes pretending to revere John Lewis while working every day to undo his legacy and disenfranchise his people. Kiss my ass.
I'll bring voters all the damn water I want. I'm gonna have a cart out there like a motherfletchin' flight attendant. Mineral water. Spring water. Smart Water. Vitamin water. Holy water. Muddy Waters. All the waters! Jim Crow can kiss my black ass!
Hey secret police, if you EVER kidnap me and throw me in a rental van I will shit so bad inside that van. I hope your unconstitutional asses are ready to pay $1,700 to get my grown man feces outta that Chrysler Pacifica and whatnot.
Who is that little white girl with the braids runnin' around savin' the world and whatnot I like that little white girl with the braids put her in charge of errrrrythang you go little white girl with the braids!
Yo' momma's so stupid she thinks an innocent man would falsify records, try to fire investigators, dangle pardons and tamper with witnesses while it rains indictments on everyone around his guilty ass.
So sick of the hate. So sick of the body count. And our sorry ass excuse for a leader is out there teasin' violence. If you're still on that man's team you've lost something deep inside yourself. Find it.
Dear
@MooreSenate
,
You are the dumbest man in Alabama. Just a dumb, saggy, dumb, child-molesting dumb-dumb. You are dumb. And a liar. And stupid too. And racist. A dumb, saggy, child-molesting, stupid, lying racist.
Also kiss my black ass.
GW
There are 40,000 folks rotting in prison on marijuana offenses, billboards everywhere for it now and companies making billions. Let these people out so they can live their lives and whatnot.
.
@RealDonaldTrump
Shut up about Bron. That's my son. My beautiful son. You will be an orange shit stain in history books, but
@KingJames
will be remembered forever and whatnot, dunkin' on your circus peanut head.
Bad news. SNL has unearthed several thousand clips of me making fun of people's mommas. I will no longer be joining the show. Please know that I myself had a momma, and this was simply a four decade long comedy misfire and whatnot.
Four decades of friendship. Had Thanksgiving with Bob once when we were coming up. He cooked the turkey but had no idea you were supposed to take the innards out. We completely lost it. Do us a favor Bob and stay outta hell so we can talk shit again someday. Love you, my friend.
Assholes are out there joyriding in that stolen Supreme Court seat. Get out there and vote, assumin' they haven't found a way to scrub you from the rolls. These are some shady ass times.
No matter how the maps play out tonight, remember millions more Americans want progress over the past, hope over hate. That will shake out over time as young folks come of age and old motherfletchers start wanderin' into traffic and shit. We'll get there. I love y'all.
Over the last 18 months I paid over $44,000 in bribes to get my niece Tay-Tay into clown college. I apologize to my fans and I would appreciate privacy during this difficult time.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby's bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My ass would get kicked off Top Chef right away.
"We've never had someone serve us just a 5-gallon bucket of gravy before. It was a bold choice, but the challenge was to make a scone. George, please pack your knives and go."
I wish trades happened outside of sports. The Wendy's on Dupont Road sends fry cook Kelly Futz to the Dairy Queen on 17th Avenue for Assistant Manager Shantika Leonard and a cashier to be named later.
That movie 'The Birds' is on. I wish I was in that movie. I woulda eaten all them birds right off the bat. A deep fryer. A little hot sauce maybe. That shit woulda been a short film. "Where'd all those asshole birds go?" Cut to me wiping my mouth with a napkin and whatnot.
Yo' momma's so fat it's caused a series of ailments that she can't afford to treat because Republicans prefer to give CEOs raises and build stupid-ass walls instead of providing affordable health care for ordinary Americans.
Just a friendly reminder that if your "Civil War memorial" was put up decades later as a response to desegregation, that shit ain't a Civil War memorial. It's a middle finger to equality.
I'm still gonna get on stage a sling yo' momma jokes. Shit, I'm 6'4", 270. Try drivin' home from the Laugh Factory with a mic stand wrapped around your head and whatnot.
Yo' momma's so black Republicans are shamelessly working to disenfranchise her and millions like her using various unAmerican ID laws and voter purges.
Aquaman can talk to fish but he only tells them what to do. He's never like, "Seen any good movies, fish? How's your mom, fish?" Aquaman is an asshole.