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M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™ Profile
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™

@MonotoneofBill

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106,686
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Ernie (not Bill). Retired trombonist/music administrator in southern Maine. #Puns #Blue #Boston @Monotoneofbill @mastodon .world

Maine USA
Joined September 2011
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
12 days
Autocorrect’s originator died? I didn’t even know he was I’ll.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
When the Beach Boys walk into a bar: "Round?" "Round!" "Get a round?" "I'll get a round!"
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
Cute!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
Hooters should start a home delivery service called Knockers.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 months
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
The Apple Store was robbed. Police are combing the mall for iWitnesses.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
11 months
Did the person who coined the phrase “one hit wonder” ever come up with anything else?
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Buzz Aldrin married at 93? He must have been over the moon.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
How many grammar police does it take to change a lightbulb? Too.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
8 months
As of today, I have circled the Sun 75 times. #DiamondJubileeBirthday
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
@klkc2009 Plumber getting a tip? Just a pipe dream!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 months
To have a murder of crows there must be probable caws.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
@UGmanofficial 💗
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
@InTheNoosphere Four Seasons Landscaping's making some changes!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Glasses wearers, have you worn a mask during Covid? You may be entitled to condensation.
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
You have $500. Your daughter texts she needs $300. Your son texts he needs $150. How much do you have left? $500. And 2 unread messages.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
"Look! A flock of cows!" "Herd' of cows, Dad." "Of course I've heard of cows. Look, there's a whole flock!"
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Furniture salesman said, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.” I said, “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal. Until the pressure got to him.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Rudy has COVID? I hope he doesn't dye!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Regarding Dominos franchises, if one store goes down will they all go down?
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
5 years
@67jewelCDH @Hardrick3 That's a laffer!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
Always wondered. Why didn't Tarzan have a beard?
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
7 years
If Stevie Wonder ever records the music of Alice Cooper he could call the album 'Wonder in Aliceland'.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Still no further updates on wife Sharon's condition from the hospital regarding her likely stroke as 6a approaches. I'm sure they'll call me soon. Thanks to those who sent a kind tweet in response yesterday. That meant a lot!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 months
Today is finally the right day to put all your eggs in one basket.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
Two reasons why they made another Elvis movie: 1 for the money 2 for the show
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
@silentkil_er The letter "U" in containers, drawers, folders etc.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
5 months
Many do not know, how to use commas.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Good name for a DNA Paternity Clinic in Indiana: Hoosier Daddy.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
The job interviewer asked me why I had a 4 year gap in my résumé. I told her that it’s because I went to yale. She smiled and told me i’m hired! Woo Hoo, I got a yob!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
Could you explain plethora to me? That would mean a lot.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
7 months
“I’m gonna’ whack you with the neck of my guitar.” “Is that a fret?”
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
As my grandfather often said, “When one door closes another one opens.” Lovely man ... terrible cabinet maker.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
8 months
“Have you seen the cat bowl?” “I didn’t know she could.”
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
Remove a "p" from a pirate and they become quite angry.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
8 years
Off for a picnic at Winslow Park. Spectacular day for it! #BOOM
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
6 years
Dyslexic dentists have a molar obligation to do no harm.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
5 years
@fras99 I'd say "Sorry Sir ... we don't have a tanning bed!"
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
8 years
Bobby Flay's wife should be named Sue.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
What did Yoda say when he saw himself on a Sony TV? HDMI
2
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Chinese restaurant take out: $38 dollars. Tip: $4 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of the order? Riceless!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Once dated two girls - Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was seeing both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the same day! Guess you can’t have your Kate and Edith too ...
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
If you read old magazines in bed most of the night you'll likely wake up with back issues.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
"Trousers" is a fancy pants word.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
The CEO of Sherwin-Williams died of hypothermia while hiking. Rangers said he needed a second coat.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Cute!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
7 years
Always liked this oldie but goodie!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Where are all the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures sold? Aisle B, back.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
The Love Boat was a relation ship.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
I’m currently helping the wife find her Lindt chocolate I ate last night.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
6 years
I still wish Bobby Flay's wife's first name was Sue!
6
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 months
Just put up a large canvas shelter in the yard replete with wooden dance floor, flashing lights and Bee Gees’ music blasting. This is the winter of my disco tent.
6
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
5 months
What's the worst thing to hear during an operation? Anything.
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
If you wait long enough to cook dinner, they'll choose cereal. Follow me for other recipes.
4
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 months
A genius casting director would have put Kevin Bacon in “Grease.”
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
7 years
A Cleveland meteorologist won't shave 'til the Browns win a game. Hope he's ready for a look like this!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
8 years
Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday!
Tweet media one
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 months
The fact there’s a stairway to heaven and highway to hell tells you about anticipated crowd size.
5
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Me: "Saw a deer on the way to work." Wife: "How do you know it was headed to work?"
4
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
The wife asked me why I whisper so often at home. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 months
Will Buffalo (incorporated as a city in 1832) have a bisontennial in 2032?
8
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
7 years
Certainly the best pun of the Trump era!
Tweet media one
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Once somebody said, “That liquid dripping out of the maple tree over there – I want to taste that!”
7
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Bartender: "Your whiskey glass is empty. Want another one?" John: "Why would I want two empty glasses?"
2
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Fun With Math: If John is 67 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does John have?
10
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Waiter approached the table as I finished eating and asked, “You wanna' box for those leftovers?” I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay with my card?”
5
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
How do you turn six into nine? Drop the "s" ...
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
The universe is made up of protons, neurons, electrons and morons.
1
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
A barbershop reopened prematurely. Police are combing the area.
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
HR Interviewer: “Can you perform under pressure?” Me: “Not sure about that but I'd be willing to take a crack at 'Bohemian Rhapsody'” ...
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
On his morning jog with loyal dog, through the sog of smoggy fog, on a pad of lily in the bog, just before the oaken mossened log, John spied a bullfrog sipping grog, becoming agog — and later sure to blog.
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?” “Yes, we arson.”
0
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
Great puns are measured by sighsmograph.
1
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
4 years
@ShootyDoody All people named Usher will take you to your seat.
1
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
John called the animal shelter and said, "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods!" Shelter worker asked, "Are they moving?" He replied, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
"How good are you at PowerPoint?" "I Excel at it." "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?" "Word."
1
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
6 years
Cute - a cat crashed a neighborhood nativity scene in NYC!
Tweet media one
1
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They didn’t planet ahead of time.
3
7
35
@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Don't use 'beef stew' as a password. It's not stroganoff.
2
2
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
Car companies named them "heated seats" because "rear defroster" was already taken.
3
5
35
@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
5 years
Leaving a saucepan of alphabet soup unattended on the stove can spell disaster.
4
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
6 years
Lots of Victorian novels at the library are avoided like the Dickens.
4
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
The balloon shoot down? Now that’s fighting inflation.
3
5
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
8 years
Roger's car is ready to get him to the airport.
Tweet media one
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
If womb is pronounced "woom" and tomb is pronounced "toom", shouldn't bomb be pronounced "boom"? #BOOM
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
6 years
If someone takes your coffee cup at work are you mugged?
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Hate grabbing a box of animal crackers only to find the seal is broken.
3
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
If alcohol can damage your short term memory - Imagine the damage alcohol could do!
2
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
If you divorce a lumberjack does he become your axe-husband?
2
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
In happier news Sharon's been home for 4 days from rehab and she's doing so well it's hard to believe she had a stroke 15 days ago! She sounds poifect!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
I'm seeing a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes. She put me on Xanax!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
11 months
OK then … what’s the speed of dark?
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
"How long have you and your wife been carpenters?" "We've only just begun."
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
A rare serious tweet from "Oneliner Man." The wife (Sharon) was transported from work to the hospital mid-afternoon. Stroke likely. Prayers welcome! #OhMy
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
2 years
I adore puns. That's how eye roll.
2
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
3 years
Amazing news! Sharon's rehab case manager just called. She said, "If you can get here Tuesday for training from 2-3 and you pass Sharon can go home!" YESSSS!
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
1 year
Do British websites use biscuits?
1
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@MonotoneofBill
M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
5 months
Who is the most famous doctor of all.
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