Matt Goldich @MattGoldich Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Matt Goldich

3 months

My stand-up special NO QUESTIONS ASKED is out NOW! Here is a (gluten-free) taste. Watch the whole thing on YouTube! Please share and RT if you enjoy. Thanks!

4

17

71

Last Seen Profiles

@PocztaPolska

@hiiragi_yuka530

@konorsmind

@ceoldeorai

@komadahachi

@anvaels

@hentaionarazuki

@kirokubito

@omgitsharveyj

@pib_comm

@valkyfernal

@pico_staff_H

@onwardmumps

@smb_tradebot

@namyenss

@scmcken

@naboocoffee

@yonaka_nemu

@TheTradingChamp

@RedFlashMBB

@Parisadafi

@DrJasmine_MD

@aleli_d

@AnabelGemas

@AlexandertheBTC

@Iambrittjohnson

@ClausKleber

@ControlRemedy

@NicoleKnightFTL

@p1yan8

@sweetapocaIypse

@ChocolateC7227

@homam_heartdoc

@TheJosTurner

@IAM751

@rutorvsh

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

It always warmed my heart that RBG and Scalia were friends. I hope she is up in heaven wondering where he is

671

5K

64K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

1 year

Hopefully Peacock doesn’t get any ideas from this.

Variety

@Variety

1 year

HBO Max to Be Renamed ‘Max’ With Addition of Discovery+ Content

40

49

150

209

6K

63K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

10 months

About 40 years late on this but just realized “Chips Ahoy” is a pun

312

2K

46K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

11 months

Drafted 13th but could move into the top 10 after the free skate

277

2K

29K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

1 year

“Babe was actually a terrible pig. I hated him, and I’m glad he’s dead.”

147

2K

25K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

My great uncle is 93, immunocompromised and doesn’t know how to use a computer. I’ve spent DAYS online trying to get him to contribute to the discourse about Wandavision

25

929

22K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

1 year

Uh-oh, the 49ers’ 5th string quarterback is George Santos

115

2K

17K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Congratulations to Dennis Quaid and his fiancee on their engagement.

100

642

10K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Joe Crowley is the only white man who never wanted to debate AOC

36

567

6K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 months

Ken Burns’ involvement explains why this Clarence Thomas scandal is so long and has so many installments

109

680

6K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

Herman Cain was not someone whose politics I agreed with. And his dismissal of how serious the Covid-19 virus was ultimately put a lot of people in danger. But in the end, he was a human being just like anyone else. And his death is tragic, just like anyone else’s. I just came...

101

242

6K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

6 months

I don’t even know if my Dad has seen Breaking Bad

Rolling Stone

@RollingStone

6 months

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted that he and his son monitored each other’s porn intake in a resurfaced clip from 2022

6K

5K

14K

28

279

5K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

7 years

Damn, the final episode of Girls was INSANE.

30

822

4K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

Does The Weeknd even know when he is anymore?

23

368

4K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 months

Just two people not afraid to rub audience members the wrong way

14

184

4K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

THEY CALL ME HELL THEY CALL ME STACEY THEY CALL ME HER THEY CALL ME JANE

13

205

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

You rarely hear about anyone else’s Sharona

31

223

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

My daughter was born this weekend. When we arrived at the hospital at 1:30 am Friday night, this is what was on the TV in the waiting room. Nobody else looked up.

57

42

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

7 months

Somehow he always settles on Chiefs uniform

Sports Illustrated

@SInow

7 months

Travis Kelce says he takes three hours to decide on his game day outfit

39

4

65

5

192

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

You can tell Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit are Amazon employees now because they had to go right back to work after someone suffered a horrific injury

25

343

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

I am aware that we Jews don’t believe in “hell” but trust me, reading your replies has been close enough.

40

61

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

9 years

Hillary Clinton can have this line: "We don't need a President with an exclamation point, we need one with a period!" http://t.co/f8aRj67dFl

125

1K

3K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

23

152

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

Welcome back, "out of an abundance of caution" - we missed ya!

1

121

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one person capable of cleaning up the mess at the L.A. City Council.

34

100

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

7 years

Is there not ONE brave person in the White House who will stand up and say, "Mr. President, you need to lose 30-40 pounds"?

115

278

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Steph Curry is amazing but I don’t see how he can beat Toronto with no Durant, no Klay, and all the responsibilities involved in executive producing a televised mini golf competition

11

181

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

7 years

Hillary isn't nearly as flawed as the rest of us.

50

362

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

6 years

Negotiating with North Korea right after alienating Canada is like trying to defeat Mike Tyson after getting your ass kicked by Glass Joe.

38

243

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

This sets unreasonable expectations for how much work we’re supposed to be getting done when we’re home with Covid.

23

157

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Matthew Calamari is a real person, you guys. Please stop dragging his name through the sauce.

32

103

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

Can’t imagine Tom Brady would retire after that loss. It would leave such a bad taste in his son’s mouth.

9

194

2K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

No one wants to wear masks anymore

Deadline Hollywood

@DEADLINE

2 years

Broadway’s ‘The Phantom Of The Opera’ Will Close in 2023 After 35 Years

12

48

154

2

178

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

The Trump campaign in a nutshell: he doesn't follow his own running mate on Twitter, but he does follow Vince McMahon.

28

683

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

10 years

Congrats to Clay Aiken on becoming the first openly gay ex-American Idol runner-up to defeat a dead guy in a Congressional primary.

25

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Man, what a brutal couple of weeks for Starbucks

9

50

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

If you’re in line to have sex with Bill Gates, STAY IN LINE! They have to let you

11

67

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

...extremely close to making a cheap joke about his death but in the end I’d just like to offer my condolences to his friends and family.

16

10

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

Remember how crazy that Clint Eastwood convention speech seemed four years ago?

30

603

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

If I want to eat potato dumplings for dinner, that’s my pierogitive.

16

86

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

I take solace in the fact that sitting on my couch watching basketball is literally more useful than thoughts and prayers.

25

345

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

Just once I'd like to hear a coach say, "We need to panic. Take things all four quarters at once. Play fundamentally unsound football."

18

425

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

9 years

Bill Cosby would also slip young black men Quaaludes and, while they were passed out, pull their pants up.

16

450

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

@bazecraze A second term?

14

10

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

If you were born 9 months after the Super Bowl your parents were farting when they made you

11

416

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my Lysol.

3

151

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

9 years

20 years of driving and I still have no idea what to do with my left foot.

137

406

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

If men got pregnant it would take us until the third trimester to notice.

17

51

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

7 months

Ok but who will make sure everyone finds their seats

Variety

@Variety

7 months

Usher Confirmed as Super Bowl 2024 Halftime Performer

14

67

242

14

47

1K

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

Just so you know, person who says, "Nobody likes a tattletale" - we're not crazy about you, either.

13

331

962

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

If you think the end of the Kentucky Derby was confusing now you know how the horses feel about the whole race.

6

106

962

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

6 years

See, Trump's not a Nazi, he's just a guy who thinks Germany needs to rid itself of outsiders

15

264

935

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

does he want to be known as “Fyre Fest organizer”?

Queerty

@Queerty

5 years

Fyre Fest organizer doesn’t want to be known as “The Blowjob King” - More at:

307

429

2K

6

81

914

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

1 year

Cable news reporting on Trump's indictment

3

45

935

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

7 years

I'm a little sick of everyone dragging @United Airlines' good name through the aisle.

15

219

846

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

11

65

885

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

@seanoconnz

12

14

837

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

6 years

"UB40" - Trump explaining why he wants a divorce

6

63

788

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

Driving by a golf course always makes me wish I was playing golf. And playing golf always makes me wish I was driving by a golf course.

11

310

773

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

Whoever loses a space race still gets a constellation prize

6

61

805

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Wow, that makes seven rings!

Yahoo Sports

@YahooSports

5 years

BREAKING: Patriots owner Robert Kraft has reportedly been arrested in Jupiter, Florida in a prostitution ring bust.

199

459

711

9

62

751

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

The MVP of the NBA Finals gets to say, “I’m leaving Disney World!”

2

114

762

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

@moshekasher Have you tried opening up an artisanal ice cream parlor?

1

0

739

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

Tune into the Manningcast when our 3rd quarter guest will be former Arizona Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury

5

86

748

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

Most of the time when someone in Zoom kindergarten says they have a question it actually means they want to sing an original song.

6

25

744

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

20 days

ok this is just unfair

The Associated Press

@AP

20 days

BREAKING: First six jurors are chosen for Trump's hush money criminal trial

67

125

466

4

50

701

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

1 year

@TayKayPhillips Leonard Nimoy directed Three Men and a Baby

8

25

694

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

9 years

Sailing is great if you like spending 95% of your time ducking.

25

169

652

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

6 years

Maybe the cooling is not manmade but part of a naturally occurring process

MSNBC

@MSNBC

6 years

White House support of EPA chief Scott Pruitt cooling amid ethics controversies, according to one report.

31

37

104

16

96

655

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

I need Oprah to score 17 points against Adele tonight to win in fantasy

3

42

675

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

4 years

I have a joke about COVID-19 in New Zealand but no one will get it.

4

53

663

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

10 years

The Patriots have never won a Super Bowl in a season after one of their players murders a guy

57

960

629

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

11 months

Who possibly needs to know more about the Titanic? The movie was 3 and a half hours long

0

24

643

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

"Sloop John B" is one of the top songs where a man eats all of another man's corn

14

193

596

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

Two impeachments within a year of each other are known as Irish impeachments

6

46

604

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

10 years

Apple bought Beats headphones for $3.2 billion after leaving its earbuds in the pocket of a hoodie and putting them through the wash.

14

585

578

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

The only Southern boarder I care about is BLANCHE DUBOIS!

6

79

570

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

8 years

Kanye may be $53 million in debt, but that will all change with the birth of his third child, West.

6

245

576

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

1 year

Am I using them properly? “Ass used to be one of my favorite comedians.”

5

17

577

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

10 months

@Steven_Hyden I’m just glad my son’s favorite Saturday morning cartoon is Oppenheimer and Friends

3

562

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

Could use a pep talk right now. I was Adele’s math teacher

6

18

570

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

As a former public school student myself, I’d be outraged if my kids learned critical race theory in school. That is NOT what Christopher Columbus and the Pilgrims ended slavery for

2

29

539

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Jewish family tradition: buy a dozen bagels, eat 4, freeze the rest, repeat every Sunday until you have a freezer full of frozen bagels nobody wants

9

76

528

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

Hard to believe one year ago today was the last time I licked one of these. Someday soon, my friend!

8

31

522

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

What a way to learn, officially, that my kindergartner knows how to read.

8

13

522

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

9 years

The greatest fear of everyone at E! News is that actual news might happen while they're on the air.

7

174

491

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

3 years

I’ve spent most of the day beating myself up that I didn’t phrase this, “HELP him contribute.” Little insight into the mind of a writer!

9

3

501

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

5 years

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez CLAIMS to be a poor girl from the Bronx but in reality she’s a Congresswoman in Washington who seems cool and has reasonable policy ideas

6

48

496

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

2 years

You gotta give the Supreme Court credit, they really figured out a way to get everyone to stop talking about the fact that they made guns legal everywhere.

6

39

502

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich

10 years

Of all the sports where you're never really sure if someone scored or not while watching it, hockey is the most exciting.

13

342

469

Matt Goldich

@MattGoldich