My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
in 4th grade for a science project I rewrote the lyrics to Oops I Did It Again to be about the types of rocks and at the beginning where it’s like ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah I was like
ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-rocks
She purchased these special recordable fire alarms immediately after the time her candles indeed caught the floor on fire and my sister and I straight up slept through the normal beeping alarms
I told my girlfriend that if my grandpa likes her then he will eventually give her a flashlight and he literally gave her a flashlight the first time he met her
my friend accidentally liked someone's very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN'T NOTICE
where’s the shirt that says
fuck YEAH I’m a LESBIAN
in a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
I cry on the FLOOR
and listen to a lot of MITSKI
I should really get TSA PRECHECK
someone buy me a GRAVITY BLANKET
favorite part of seeing M3GAN was how afterward my fiancé could not stop BRAGGING about how she'd never get murdered by M3GAN bc and i quote: "i would respect her"
i spent the past three months researching the history of cheerleading, looking at examples of queer cheerleaders in film/tv, and compiling this timeline + doing a ton of cultural analysis on why everyone loves a lesbian cheerleader
more specifically, I performed it once and the teacher loved it so much that she asked me to do it again and invited THE PRINCIPAL. also I brought in a fake microphone
Just FaceTimed with my mother and she was like “Every show has lesbians now. I’m watching this show about outerspace and there are two lesbians somehow” idk how to explain to her that everyone in space is gay
recently someone suggested that constantly asking girls to braid my hair in my youth was a precursor to asking women to pull my hair and I have not been the same since
when you slide into a strangers dms drunk on valentines day and now you live together and have a christmas ornament made out of a door key from the first time you met in person and hooked up at a hotel
incredibly excited to announce that i landed my first official fiction publication—i'm gonna have a lil gay short story in an upcoming special queer fiction issue of McSweeney's
I went to a lesbian wedding tonight and when I went up to the DJ to request Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” he was like “yeah it’s next...two other people JUST requested it” and one of them was one of the brides. I LOVE GAY SYNERGY
a year ago today, I snapped this selfie around 10pm as the N train was pulling over the Manhattan Bridge on my way to Ace Hotel’s bar to meet a stranger from twitter. anyway we fell in love lol! and now are indefinitely quarantined in Vegas together...LOT CAN CHANGE IN A YEAR
the worst first date I’ve ever been on was absolutely my fault because i was closeted so when my best friend’s mom saw me at a coffee shop with a girl she did not think I was on a date and asked if she could sit with us and I said YES
this weekend my girlfriend and I are gonna recreate our first date by turning our kitchen into the nyc Ace Hotel’s lobby bar (very dark, very loud) and pretending the bathroom is the elevator we made out in
very late to the What We Do In The Shadows game and also already well into season 2 but I have not stopped laughing at “creepy paper” from the pilot?????? one of the funniest stupid jokes I’ve ever seen in my LIFE?????? CREEPY PAPER
just remembered when my mother finished reading my girlfriend’s first book and called me and just exclaimed “your girlfriend is WEIRD” and then the next day went to her first Pride parade
a weird thing my dad used to do for me and my sister when we were growing up was make us “sick fries” when we were sick and they were literally just ore ida fries with salt in a paper cup. today,
@Kristen_Arnett
made me some for my post vax second dose day
true life:
@Kristen_Arnett
held up our hitachi on Instagram live today and joked that it was a “karaoke microphone” and my mother was watching and commented “that’s not a microphone”
it’s the one night of the year when my siblings and I take our “little” cousins (lol the youngest is 15 now) to laser tag and plot twist my sister got a membership at a laser tag place and has been training all year????
every day of living in florida is me saying something like “oh that’s a cool leaf” and then my girlfriend being like “oh no that’s actually a poisonous snake that has evolved to disguise itself as a cool leaf”
so wild living with my parents again like for example my mother just told me I have to clean my room “because you have a guest coming” and the guest is literally my girlfriend
When I was just a freelance writer at The AV Club, it was so easy for me to get access to screeners. Now that I’m the MANAGING EDITOR at Autostraddle, it’s infinitely harder. I’m sick and tired of having to prove we’re a legitimate publication to networks and streamers.
last night I drank a cappuccino at 9pm and then went on a Riverdale fanfiction bender. do I recommend this? absolutely not. will I do it again tonight? probably
discovered we were sitting by two other queer couples last night when i realized the "wedding" they were talking about "attending" was bette + tina's wedding
in extremely gay news my ex-wife and her new girlfriend are coming over to the house where me and my girlfriend are staying to drop off the dog that we share custody over
this is my first time living somewhere that does NOT have autumn and can someone pls just come throw two apple cider donuts and a handful of wet leaves in my general direction
watching all these mainstream publications do their 2-3 token pride pieces that are mostly just seo grabs and meanwhile we're out here at
@autostraddle
with a dynamic pride package with TWENTY FIVE pieces planned even tho we're queer all fucking year and not corporate-backed
best part of telling all my friends that
@Kristen_Arnett
and I got engaged was how many of them IMMEDIATELY confessed to grilling Kristen at various bars about when/how she would propose 😭💗
picked up my preorder of With Teeth and the bookseller opened it and read the inscription and got really quiet and
@Kristen_Arnett
had to blurt out ITS ME I WROTE THAT IT’S NOT WEIRD WE’RE TOGETHER alsjjwkaksaksnjqks
i did the same thing in 4th grade but it was 2 black n yellow n the lyrics were uh huh u know what it isss metamorphic metamorphic metamorphic rock fjdjfjdkdjdkdkd
A fun fact is that Kristen’s first time meeting my mother was at MY MOTHER’S BOOK CLUB. My mother was like “I’m picking your new girlfriend’s book for book club so you both have to come to the meeting” and so WE DID. Mom decorated the house with taxidermy and everything.
one of my my favorite things in this life is showing up to a book club, if you’re reading my book please invite me, i will always come and probably bring my own beer and try to cheers people even if it’s over zoom
dating a writer as a writer is just both of u taking turns saying "I FORGOT HOW TO WRITE" and reassuring the other that they do indeed remember how to write.....on a loop.....until u die?????