Audrey Kaufman @KaufmanAudrey Twitter profile

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

Eve ate the apple to give us fashion

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

Twitter is not for being hot, it is for being insane

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

My mom was like “I accidentally took a Xanax this morning but I feel ok” and I’m like yeah that’s what it does

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

the gender pay gap is mostly fucked up bc like what do men even have to buy?

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

Waitress said “wow” after I ordered

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

I think we should make NDAs illegal, gossip is a human right

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

you’ll ask someone in LA to get dinner tonight and they’re like “yeah I have a meeting at HBO in 2 weeks but that should work”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

Girls will be like “oh you’re dating during the pandemic? I stay home and have sex with my long-term serious boyfriend who loves me because I actually care about other people lol”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

I wore a bra to work today like a fucking republican

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

you kind of have to have sex on the first date now because there’s nothing else to do

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

my job is being the sweetest girl in the world but I can understand how, to the untrained eye, it appears that I am unemployed

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

do u think taylor swift’s had sex or just hand stuff

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

My bf shaved his beard and now his new face must gain my trust

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

girls be like “I’m a sapiosexual” and it’s like ehhhhhhhh I’ve met your boyfriend

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

I’ll tell my girl friends “you’re not crazy, PATRIARCHY is crazy” no matter who they hit with their car

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

poor boyfriend is injured and confined to bed :(((( so this is the perfect time for me to explain Caroline Calloway :’(((((((

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

They should sell rolling papers at Trader Joe’s

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

the hero’s journey

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

If you’re unhappy during all this, you just need to develop a routine. like, I’ll get super fucking high during the day, and then at night, I’ll sleep

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

28 days

Makes me trust her that she simply cannot conceal her disgust here

Nintendo has gone woke

@lib_crusher

28 days

I'm dying man lmao

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

lol what kinda psychopath knows the number of people they’ve had sex with

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

when guys tell me “you’re hot,” that’s mansplaining

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I miss recoiling from human touch 🥺

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

Masturbating badly so it feels like it’s a guy doing it

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 months

Sometimes you’ll just hang w a guy once and it’s like omg noooo you would be so mean to me if I was pregnant

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

7 months

No. That’s what’s so beautiful about it

zach silberberg

@zachsilberberg

7 months

surely girls want to do more than just have fun

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I love it when the east coast goes to bed and the west coast can just tweet our wildly uninformed but inarguably fun takes without any of these chilly, weird little know-it-alls butting in on our shit

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 months

A bath has everything: warmth, nudity, sitting down

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

boys can recommend whatever movies they want to recommend, I’m going to smile and nod then watch my own Instagram story instead

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

6 months

Sorry but they’re fucking crazy

beyza is with chandler

@beyzanurapaydin

6 months

Pantone announces the Color of the Year 2024: Peach Fuzz

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

7 months

Overintellectualizing emotions all by yourself handsome?

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

first base is sex, second base you cry in front of me, third base kissing, fourth base I tell you that you are smart and tall

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

I’m spending my prime childbearing years tweeting

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

covid was a major win for monogamy

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

guy: baby what’s it like to be so sexy me: depressing. it doesn’t matter. nothing matters. the world’s ending. you’re not gonna love me. so who cares. guy: tahts hot

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he read 15 pages of Infinite Jest

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

we should never lower the age of consent, we should only raise it. like when I was 19, I thought a guy was intellectual bc he recommended me a Tarantino movie.

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

I am stock market gf and astrology gf, it’s called being informed

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

people break up so weird in tv shows like just “it’s over” you don’t scream at each other in a parking lot for 4 hours?

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

a boyfriend is just a reply guy whom you’ve allowed into your home

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

dating in 2019 is like either we live together or we are not allowed to acknowledge each other in public

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

Every job is just helping some rich guy with his little project

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I would like to at some point have sex again

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 months

Remember when Amy pascal’s emails got hacked and they were so racist she was forced to resign

Variety

@Variety

2 months

More than 450 Jewish creatives, executives and Hollywood professionals have signed an open letter denouncing Jonathan Glazer’s “The Zone of Interest” Oscar speech.

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

My jewish mother is somehow so disappointed that I’m dating a Jewish lawyer because “we don’t need a lawyer in the family, we need a doctor. What do you need a lawyer for? We have enough lawyers”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

why don’t we outlaw social media but bring back cocaine soda

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

I’m not *addicted* to smoking weed, I’m *addicted* to not writing my screenplay

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

The ultimate hot girl move is to get away with being so bizarre

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

date a lot in your early 20s bc you’ll get to have experiences you would never let yourself have if your brain was fully developed

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

When a stranger tells me I parked my car in an insanely disrespectful way it’s likeee… everyone’s just looking for an excuse to talk to the pretty girl

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 months

The American people should have a right to vote on who plays the protagonist in Yórgos Lánthimos’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

you’re not a “burnt out gifted kid,” you just attended an upper middle class suburban elementary school and have clinical depression

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I’m really concerned about my health rn so I’m staying inside all day drinking and doing drugs

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

stop telling me to raise my standards for men, if I wanted to date someone nice smart and cool, I’d date a girl

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

boys will say astrology isn’t real and then believe in trickle down economics like lol oookay

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

My family is ashamed that I drove a man to LAX out of wedlock

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

why is everyone obsessed with timothee chalamet? just go to france, they literally all look like that

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

Everyone’s assuming this was a girl but it was Jack

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I don’t think I can go another month without sex. Two years is too long.

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

all my friends with 35 year-old boyfriends are like “if I get corona I’ll be fine but he’s so old, I’m so scared”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

8 months

Passing a perfectly preserved brandy Melville tank top down to my great great granddaughter

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I’m my own worst critic but I’m also everybody else’s worst critic, basically a huge bitch

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 months

Too eccentric for corporate, too existing for no job

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

age gap relationships are perfectly acceptable as long as they are mutual, like the girl provides love, affection, coolness, and the man provides an explanation of the cultural relevance of the OJ trial

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 months

I would take an arranged marriage but she’s not even trying

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 months

We need to have discourse on cool gap relationships

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

“I’m a real Amazon employee and I wish I could work 22 hour days because I love my job so much”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

6 months

Explained that I needed to leave work an hour early today to “do something else”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

what actually happens in the girls chat is someone posts a link to $670 lace “opera gloves” and everyone else responds “omg you should get that”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

the pandemic has been so bad that I actually got bored of drinking

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

buying bitcoin bc I left my toxic relationships and need something else unstable to fill that void

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

Art under capitalism sucks because it’s nerds with no taste who have all the money

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

whenever someone gives me a copy of paperwork “for my records” it’s like “ah. yes. my records.”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

A girl just rear ended me because she was on her phone and I just waved like “it’s ok” because as a woman I just don’t think we should experience consequences for things like this 💕

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

I hate dating guys who are 33, they’re always like “let me tell you about dial-up internet” and I’m like “omg I literally don’t care”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

2 years

Applied perfume to go read on the balcony because this is MY world!

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

you have to be so fucking horny to fall in love

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

u either have an emails job or a boxes job

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

My bf said he wanted to get out and see the world, have raw experiences, here’s his second day in Europe

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

starting an onlyfans but it’s just for one video of me fully clothed saying “5’9” isn’t short.”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

My bf keeps pointing out how it’s “so silent” out here in the forest but I’m not gonna fall for it, I’m not gonna stop talking for a single second

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

my parents changed their HBO go password so I’d have to go find a boyfriend

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

hugged a girl I’d just met in the bar bathroom while crying, the pandemic is officially over

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 months

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I’ve reached the part of my 20s where everyone is either too crazy or too boring

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

I miss my boyfriend he lives 8 minutes from me but he has an android phone

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

if you’re attracted to timothee chalamet and you’re over the age of 13, that’s a “kink” honey

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

life is the boring thing you do in between crushes

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I haven’t received my paid sick leave yet but please don’t worry for me, the CEO sent us all a haiku to tide us over

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

8 months

Sorry but in no world do you prevent the next Holocaust by creating one

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

My mom once told me about how she was a PA on a film set for 20 minutes and then they asked her to carry a pole and she just left without telling anyone. To me, that’s a girlboss

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

Anyone giving the 19 year-old girl who married an 89 year-old man shit for it clearly doesn’t realize that a 19 year old girl can fall in love with literally anyone

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I don’t like to think of it as “getting ghosted” I like to think of it as my man “whispering sweet nothing”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

Whenever I tell my bf something funny from Twitter, he’s like “wow, that’s so interesting. Humor is so relative”

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

3 years

I need to be mad at a guy sometimes otherwise I’d never get anything done

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

All guys think they’re like Larry David because he’s also a guy

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

5 years

this debate is stupid, Spotify is obvs better than Apple Music because Spotify doesn’t blast A-punk at full volume every time I turn on my fucking car

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

4 years

I don’t wanna have to talk to a guy until after he’s my boyfriend

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Audrey Kaufman

@KaufmanAudrey

11 months

Ok it’s literally a holiday…

Miranda Devine

@mirandadevine

11 months

Cocaine found on White House premises, dispatch call shows… First son Hunter Biden, 53, who has acknowledged a prior addiction to crack cocaine, was on the White House grounds Friday before heading off to Camp David with his father for the holiday weekend

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