JEN KIRKMAN @JenKirkman Twitter profile

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JEN KIRKMAN

10 months

As this place dies please go here to keep up with me. This links to my podcast, my newsletter, my website, my store, and all of my other socials you can follow me on!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

This is why we cried when he won.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

Remember when male comedians this week were like "Chris Rock got slapped!! Comedy is in danger!" They never gave a fuck about those of us in comedy who were always in danger. They're SILENT 2nite on Louie CK winning a Grammy for an album where he jokes about his assaults.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

keanu reeves is who johnny depp thought he was gonna end up being.

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@JenKirkman

6 years

Sorry. I can’t participate in the #SecondCivilWar tomorrow. I have bone spurs. But I can throw paper towels out of a moving vehicle if anyone needs me.

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@JenKirkman

2 years

To every media person in my emails today asking me for a comment about Louis CK. Stop asking ME. Ask MALE comedians. What not ask Patton Oswalt, Judd Apatow, Marc Maron, David Cross, Bo Burnham, Aziz Ansari, Pete Holmes, Rory Scovel, Mike Birbiglia, Doug Benson, Ron Funches?

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@JenKirkman

5 years

OMG. Look at how much Bill can’t take a joke. OMG. He would have lasted four seconds as a woman comic.

Tommy moderna-vaX-Topher

@tommyxtopher

5 years

Wow @RepKatiePorter out-funnied Bill Maher on his own show. Maher said he's "squishy" on choice because his mom almost didn't have him, and Porter absolutely brought down the house with this response

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@JenKirkman

6 years

White Women. Vote like your husbands aren’t watching.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a disease not a mood. Antidepressants do NOT numb pain. They take people from below sea level back to sea level so that they can properly live with the normal amount of human pain and sadness. (subtweet)

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

In light of the Harvey Weinstein watching comedy NYC incident - it’s so clear that women comics are the ones with guts and using their free speech not to whine about some invisible PC Culture keeping them down but speaking truth to unchecked power. To. It’s. Face. That’s edgy.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

Folks in my extended family (Massachusetts) who want a border wall because they really believe thousands of rapists and murderers are flooding into SoCal daily, never once have asked me, a SoCal resident if I’m okay. I find that a fascinating piece of psychology to ponder.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

can we stop canceling male comics. i can’t take another one of them doing a comedy special about it.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

The anti-Pelosi stuff isn't you being a free-thinking, young, or middle-aged revolutionary. It's a Kremlin created talking point ("new blood vs establishment") that was subtly sold to you as progressive due to your conscious or unconscious sexism/ageism and you fell for it.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

I'm too old to understand the inside jokes of why Harry Styles is trending but I've always thought he was cool AF and I just saw this quote of his. Goddamn right! Standing ovation over here.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

1. For people mad at Dems. Can we try to understand how politics (not justice) works? Here are some things: the Dems simply wanted the phone call information to be added to the record. They threatened to call witnesses as a negotiation tactic - thus getting the Republicans to

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

7 years

And you thought a female would be too emotional to be president......

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Both Marc Anthony and Jen Garner for the last few months must be like… “Guess I’ll take the kids AGAIN this weekend.”

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

Male TSA agent to me. "You're flying all alone today?" I said, "God. I wish! But I think there's going to be 200 other people on the plane."

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

It's odd how folks underestimated Biden. He's been in the Senate for decades, was VP for 8 years & he was the one who without conferring with Obama announced ON TELEVISION DURING THE CAMPAIGN that marriage equality should happen thus forcing Obama on the issue. Come on. Keep up.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Today’s historic NASA news marks the first all female space walk and it also marks the first time women walked somewhere without being catcalled.

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@JenKirkman

3 years

My Catholic mother says no one has to give up anything for Lent this year because we’ve all given up way more during the pandemic, “We haven’t gone to the casino in sixteen weeks, Jennifah” and besides if Jesus wanted to fast in the desert for 40 days “that was his business.” 😇

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Every seafood restaurant in DC should have a special this week called Squid Pro Quo.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Pssst. I know a way you don’t have to pay for a fake vaccine card. Get the fucking vaccine for free and you get one.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

Che Diaz’s silence is deafening on the whole Rogan situation.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

I don’t care how liberal you think you are - if you think Covid is over or it’s not as bad in the summer - that’s because you’ve been influenced from the Trump administration. Covid in America is increasing. And not just in old people.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

My condolences to male comedians.

Instagram will no longer let adults message teens who don’t follow them

Keeping weirdos out of your DMs

www.theverge.com

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

Overturning Roe should unite Democrats. It has united the base. But we have a Tea Party of our own & they immediately went into action critiquing Dems and dividing the party with disinformation about how things can get done & causing voting apathy. Please don’t fall for this.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

I’m so tired of this. The song seems odd now not cuz it’s about coercing sex but about a woman who knows her reputation is ruined if she stays. “Say what’s in this drink” is an old movie line from the 30’s that means “I’m telling the truth.” She wanted to get down and stay over.

CBS News

@CBSNews

5 years

Radio station stops playing "Baby It's Cold Outside" after listeners voice concerns about lyrics in #MeToo era

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

Omg! I saw the Second Civil War from my flight tonight! Looked fun!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

Ordered from Instacart today. Didn’t order toilet paper as I assumed there wasn’t any. My shopper texted me, “There’s toilet paper here. I got you some, let me know if you want it.” THAT is the leadership this country needs in a time like this. He would make a good president.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

I said it about Kurt as a teen and I’ll say it about Harry Styles as a middle-aged-woman: men in dresses aren’t the problem. Men in bad cargo shorts are.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

I've been part of Drunk History episodes that summarize things more accurately than Barr summarized Mueller's report.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Two dudes next to me talking and saying Trump did nothing wrong by paying off women. “If we judge men by THAT then no one would be president.” I couldn’t help myself. I yelled over, “Women could be!”

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

The reason I “don’t look 45” is cuz 45 isn’t old. So, I DO look 45 which IS young & you’ve just revealed that you’ve bought into a culture that tells you women are dried up witches after 40 & should be concerned with “passing” for younger which you’ve been sold is “better”. 🔥🔥

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

I'm watching Elizabeth Warren give a speech on TV and I just realized...despite the fact that he's dead and that she's a woman, Jimmy Stewart is the actor best suited to portray her in a biopic.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

I will never go back to a public yoga class. I’ve gotten used to yelling “fuck!” every ten minutes doing it at home. It’s now an important part of my practice.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Comedians who lose their sense of humor and make a boring act now about how PC Culture is hurting their act (that they’re saying on TV for millions of people) is the only way that “PC Culture” is killing comedy. Yawn.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

It’s weird how in movies when a character writes a book, they just sit down and write a book instead of binge eating or organizing a drawer.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Joe Biden just won the election AGAIN.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

I love our country, and I am seriously considering running for president as a grande half-Democrat, half Republican, medium roast Americano.

Howard Schultz

@HowardSchultz

5 years

I love our country, and I am seriously considering running for president as a centrist independent.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

Everyone owes @kathygriffin an apology again for coming after her for posing with a pic of a Trump head covered in ketchup. Turns out - it was a completely realistic portrait.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

I was a just a little anxious kid in the 1980’s who burst out in class and said “that canal looks too small!” - looking at a drawn map (not photo) of the Suez. My teacher laughed at me in a shaming way. Who’s laughing now, bitch?

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

@NICKIMINAJ Reporting this tweet for spreading misinformation about health.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

What I related to from today’s hearing is being a young woman in a job surrounded by men who don’t worry that you’ll rat them out because that would mean they first have to see you as an actual living, breathing human being who can walk and talk and think independently.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

If Seinfeld were just starting out now and tweeted his "where does the other sock go?" joke - people here would earnestly answer him and explain static cling.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Just applied for Grocery Store Pre Check so that I don’t have to show my ID every time I buy cereal.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

Hard to remember after you raped everybody.

The Guardian

@guardian

4 years

Harvey Weinstein: my work promoting women has been forgotten

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

8 years

This is the only uncool thing David Bowie has ever done.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

2. do what the Dems originally wanted - enter the phone call on the record. If witnesses were called - the trial would have gone on for weeks - in the middle of a pandemic when relief HAS to be sent out now. And Merrick Garland has to be confirmed so the DOJ can get to work.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

No thanks

Forbes

@Forbes

3 years

Meet the 16 year old entrepreneur interested in cryptocurrency:

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

Years ago a prominent man in media harassed me on Twitter cuz I wrote a (comedic) memoir about not wanting kids. It felt dark. He scared me. I knew in my bones this threatened him (renders men useless). Male comedians told me he’s harmless. He’s now a founder of the PrO*d b*Ys.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Got harassed for saying this on TV two years ago and honestly, every few months or so, I love to retweet it because I keep being right. ❤️

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

What if the announcement is just, "Ellen has always been nice to me."

Stephen Gandel

@stephengandel

4 years

NY AG Letitia James just announced she will make a major national announcement tomorrow at 11:30. Here’s the release

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

1.) This is a thread about just SOME of the times that candidate & President Trump has disrespected the military, fumbled military responses & praised dictators. I know that it won't change minds of die-hards who don't even believe any of this is true. The *ONE hope I have from

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

"I disagree with your lifetime of experience in your gender." -men

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

Hey @netflix . I have a sort of revenge fantasy show idea. Comedians in Cars Getting Hot Coffee Thrown on Their Exposed Dicks. Let's talk.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

Folks. It’s too early for me to be losing my mind but I’m seeing a lot of “of” here instead of “have.” It is should HAVE. Shouldn’t HAVE. When you say “should’ve” it’s a contraction for should have. You’re not hearing “should of”. “He should of left.” No!!! It isn’t a verb!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

I’m giving out FULL-SIZED Hunter Biden laptops for Halloween.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

3. However, I WANT WITNESSES CALLED. I want them to have such explosive testimony that the whole world once again knows what it knows - that Trump is guilty. I want more Republican Senators to change their mind and vote to convict. The problem is? We would NEVER GET 17 to do so.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Omg just realized. Of COURSE God is a woman. That's why the Bible is an entire book filled with men explaining what she said.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

Oh, that’s cuz there is no vaccine, no treatment, it’s insanely contagious, and cases are spiking. So it’s not anxiety. It’s legit survival concerns. Try again!

TIME

@TIME

4 years

As COVID-19 lockdowns end, people are experiencing "re-entry anxiety" as they resume aspects of normal life. Here's what to do about it

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

3. of this song is NOT that it’s about forcing a woman into sex. If you want to be outraged, be outraged about what the song is actually about - the double standard in regards to sex that women face and how nothing much has changed. And then enjoy the song. It’s a delight. 🎄

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Can’t decide if I should host the Oscars or be the new Chief of Staff.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Blocked 10 guys in 30 minutes. Why am I not being recruited to play basketball?

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

@justinamash No one uses this word correctly. The dystopian environment was when the government refused to keep us safe from Covid and lied. Now run along and call your mom and ask her about the vaccine card you’ve already had since birth you big baby.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

5. start blaming Dems during this fantasy-witness-calling-trial for not getting Covid relief out, etc. The issue here is that NO MATTER WHAT - if Trump himself with Jesus back from the dead as his witness says, "I did it" the Republicans will acquit. The issue is that the GOP

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

1. If I hear another f*ing pasty liberal give their lukewarm take, “Well, actually.... I want Kamala for AG” as if she’s a lamp you’re placing somewhere in a room. She doesn’t wanna be AG. She said it in 2014 (2 years before you paid attention to politics for the first time)

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

4. It fucking SUCKS. It SUCKS that the Democrats can't just call witnesses and make the Republican Senators appear to the world even more cowardly than they were - hearing that testimony and STILL voting to acquit. BUT that's the fantasy version where the media doesn't once again

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

How come every male comedian isn’t tweeting how excited they are about Keith Raniere’s sentencing? It was based on DUE PROCESS! Their favorite thing!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

@oneunderscore__ how are we the same age

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

If you’ve ever wanted to watch the news with me. Enjoy. I will not tolerate anyone on TV thinking it sounds measured to say that they once thought Trump/Russia was crazy but now they see it!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

7. get Trump & Co. in other ways....) I don't like it anymore than anyone else but I understand it. We have midterms to win in 2022 because we are still saving our democracy. We are still in the "fight" of our lives - we didn't go into some safe zone just because Biden won.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

CDC says you can take your mask off but they were VERY CLEAR that you still cannot under any circumstance look Ellen in the eye.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

4. The song ends with her joining him in the chorus of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” She’s staying over. She will deal with her Maiden Aunt tomorrow. A great read about this song here:

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

I feel SO ROBBED when I wake up and it's dark, cloudy, and rainy and then the sun pops out and attacks me. NO. I have already committed to my vibe for the day. STOP THIS MADNESS.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

If you’re freaking out about a vaccine passport something tells me you never had a regular passport anyway.

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@JenKirkman

2 years

1/ BREAKING: "Members of the House Committee investigating the capitol riot said Sunday (today) that they've uncovered enough evidence for the DOJ to consider a criminal indictment against Trump."

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@JenKirkman

6 years

Pilot of my flight is a woman. And she’s going through the aisles shaking hands, saying her name, and “I’m driving this thing. Don’t worry. I fly like a girl.” Pretty amazing pilot behavior. ❤️🥇

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@JenKirkman

3 years

6. has been hijacked by a conspiracy theory continent who are beholden to voters who believe in Q-Anon. The Dems are once again damned if they and damned if they don't. They're trying to move ahead to get Americans the relief they need - and get the DOJ moving (which can help

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

My 82 yr old dad & I are opposites politically. He’s a working class groundskeeper, not a feminist scholar but he gets MAD about MEN IN COMEDY. In 2012 when Adam Corolla said “chicks are always the least funny on a writing staff” my dad went OFF in an email. I’m posting it now.

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@JenKirkman

3 years

13. Another helpful thread so people don't work themselves up into a frenzy today at the wrong party. The REPUBLICANS ARE TO BLAME. PERIOD.

Howard ✡. 🟦🇮🇱

@HowardA_AtLaw

3 years

Thread on why you should *not* be angry re no witnesses 1) the GOP vowed to acquit no matter what 2) LeninGraham desperately wants to delay the Merrick Garland confirmation - witnesses does this, with no benefit to Dems 3) We have all the evidence, on tape, in tweet, 1/3

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

2 years

What people don't understand is that Roe V. Wade is not just about the literal procedure of abortion. Do you think that it's like, "Oh but there will still be so many places to get great care for all issues related to having a reproductive system, periods, ovaries, etc." NO.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

All of this because a black man was president and a woman wanted to be.

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@JenKirkman

3 years

America isn’t better than “this” because if it was - than “this” wouldn’t be happening. We can’t change things until we admit what things are.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

4 years

Thread: I'm hearing lots of men in comedy "don't know what to say." I can help. Step One is looking at your FEELINGS about things. Step Two is taking action and holding yourself accountable. Below I'll give sample tweets of what you can say. Don't just quote tweet me or RT.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

11. So just relax and try to understand the impossible task of having to think politically and realistically and stop making Putin happy by tearing down your own party in a totally reactionary way.

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@JenKirkman

3 years

Pro-Choice dudes, can you fight for reproductive rights this time? We’re exhausted. And also *checks notes* you’re the ones getting women pregnant.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

7 years

I've been feeling soooo torn but I've made a decision. I'm gonna vote for Kid Rock for Senate in hopes that he has less time to make music.

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@JenKirkman

5 years

2. He is offering her an excuse she can use. “But it’s cold outside.” And she’s explaining to him that excuse doesn’t work when you’re a woman who has to deal with what the neighbors think. The song has a lot to teach us about how society views women’s sexuality. But the lesson

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

8. We have to look ahead at what they'll use against us in midterms. MOST people are not on Twitter. Most people are not nuanced. Most people are Independent or wishy-washy Dems. Republicans are LOCK STEP even in insanity. So, that being said - most people will be easily swayed

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

I’m not ready for Tik Tok. I will continue to bring my Gift of Dance to the doldrums of Twitter. 🦈

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@JenKirkman

3 years

I hope every Republican hiding under his desk is having a Jurassic Park moment and thinking, “I made this and I thought I could control it.” And then I hope they poop their pants.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

In 5th grade I was bullied by boys. They put rocks in snowballs, kicked soccer balls at my head in gym. Teacher said “Boys will be Boys!” I got punished & sent to the school psychologist after getting so fed up I whacked a kid in the shin with a hockey stick. Girls will be Girls!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

9. in 2022 with the argument that when Dems had the House/Senate/Presidency - they stalled on Covid relief in order to try to convict an already out of office president and people will FALL FOR IT. Most people DO NOT understand this notion that if we convict we can actually

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Colin Powell saying he thinks calling for the 25th Ammendment would be a "distraction" right now. A distraction FROM WHAT exactly?

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

Thread: Everyone saying, "Giuliani used to be America's Mayor after 9/11. What happened to him?" Those of us who lived in NYC then knew he sucked. He basically told us to go shopping. AND - firefighters died because of his horrible planning....

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

5 years

Is the ‘nearby event’ a Father Guido Sarducci look-a-like contest?* *(This joke for people 40 and over)

Newsweek

@Newsweek

5 years

Kid Rock, dismissed from Nashville Christmas parade after Fox News comments, will appear in nearby event

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

6 years

Men and Women! Stop 👏🏻 telling 👏🏻 women👏🏻 in 👏🏻their 👏🏻 forties 👏🏻 that 👏🏻 they 👏🏻look 👏🏻 like👏🏻 they’re 👏🏻 in 👏🏻 their 👏🏻 twenties. 👏🏻 It’s 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 compliment. 👏🏻 It 👏🏻 says 👏🏻 “Your 👏🏻 age 👏🏻 is 👏🏻 unacceptable 👏🏻 unless 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 present 👏🏻 young.” It’s. Gross.

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

When I was a little kid I thought sex meant that a guy peed into a woman. Happy Valentine's Day!

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JEN KIRKMAN

@JenKirkman

3 years

10. future hate groups/conspiracy theory fueled militias from attacking their own govt. But we are stuck right now DUE THE THE GOP & NO ONE ELSE. The GOP put us here. NO ONE ELSE. We are trying to stay in power so that we can do what you think calling witnesses would've done.

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