ian karmel @IanKarmel Twitter profile | Pikagi

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ian karmel

@IanKarmel

77,245

Followers

3,110

Following

1,740

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57,733

Statuses

Big time major standup comic. Tour dates @ the link below.

Portland/Los Angeles

https://t.co/FR2kCs7Kl4

Joined August 2010

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

Pinned Tweet

@IanKarmel

ian karmel

8 months

A book about Fat Bastard, Snackwells, blood pressure, gym class, Big Dog, football, Bill Maher, sex, love, dating, hate, gaining weight, losing weight, keeping it off, Taco Bell, almond butter and Jabba the Hutt. T-Shirt Swim Club. Pre-order now.

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T-Shirt Swim Club by Ian Karmel, Alisa Karmel, PsyD: 9780593580929 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books

Comedian Ian Karmel, with help from his sister, Dr. Alisa Karmel, opens up about the daily humiliations of being fat and why it’s so hard to talk about something so visible. “As...

www.penguinrandomhouse.com

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Every year I send my grandmother a very small statue of Hitler so she doesn't forget she survived the Holocaust. It's not fun for either one of us, but it's literally the only way.

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ian karmel

4 years

They just wanted to steal a car, but they ended up... stealing each others hearts. This summer, Jim Carrey and Jenna Fischer get a crash course in love. "Jacked and Jill" - It's a fender bender to remember.

@nypost

New York Post

4 years

Oregon man driving stolen car crashes into woman driving another stolen car

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ian karmel

2 years

Do you poop or pee at work? Efficiency analysts call it “Quiet Shitting” and this millennial trend is devastating the economy.

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ian karmel

2 years

Yesterday Prince Charles owned zero swans and today he owns all the swans in England. Really makes you think.

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ian karmel

2 years

when this mf show up in a movie you know a scheme afoot

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ian karmel

1 year

What if Kareem ripped off that jacket, revealing a Thunder jersey, and went and got the record back?

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ian karmel

3 years

20 year olds are out here with baby pictures that just look like a current picture of a baby and not like a grainy still from a true crime documentary like the rest of us.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Ben Shapiro sounds like a racist kazoo.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

1 year

I just read The Great Gatsby for the first time since high school. It's wild we make kids try to relate to that thing. You should be assigned the book at 35. The hell does a 17 year old know about “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

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ian karmel

4 years

I miss the old days when a Karen was just the woman who flushed all OUR COCAINE DOWN THE TOILET, KAREN. WHY DID YOU DO THAT KAREN? THAT WAS WORTH $60,000 THAT WAS ALL THE MONEY WE HAD, KAREN! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

If band names were literal, what would be the scariest band to fight? I'm torn between Megadeth and 10,000 Maniacs.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

18 days

My wife to tell her I just won us a million dollars.

@Blain_Crain

Blain Crain

18 days

You have 1 hour to eat this with a friend, and you win a million dollars. Who are you calling?

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ian karmel

4 years

It'd be funny if there was a slightly worse actor named Scottie B. Pippen.

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ian karmel

2 months

I'm thinking about placing a bet just so I can get in on the class action lawsuit in ten years.

@JoePompliano

Joe Pompliano

2 months

The NBA is adding live betting to NBA League Pass. Viewers will be able to see betting lines on the screen in real-time, select the bet they want to place, and then be taken directly to FanDuel or DraftKings to place it. It feels like every league will do this in the future.

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ian karmel

4 years

This man had his own run-in with a tyrannical fast food system that punishes hardworking Americans.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

This weekend, men all over the world will be held accountable for things Jake Gyllenhaal did ten years ago.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Man, if people think Hamilton is corny wait until they hear about every other Broadway musical ever.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 months

I have this theory that Jason Statham movies should just be called "Jason Statham" and then whatever number they are. I'm not super into seeing "The Beekeeper" but if I saw a poster that said "Jason Statham 38" and it just had Statham and a bunch of bees on it... opening night.

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ian karmel

5 months

When I worked returns at Best Buy somebody threw a microwave at me because they didn't have a receipt.

@joeylinn_

Joey Linn

5 months

Paul George on Russell Westbrook’s fan interaction: “Nowhere else can people go to someone’s job and disrespect you at your job and it be okay… When people come to work, they should be respected at their job.”

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

What are some fun spooky movies that I, a coward, might enjoy?

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ian karmel

10 months

Keep an eye out for the new Anta-Semitics.

@ShamsCharania

Shams Charania

10 months

Mavericks’ Kyrie Irving has signed a five-year endorsement deal with Chinese sportswear brand ANTA, plus the unique position of Chief Creative Officer at the company, industry sources told @TheAthletic @Stadium . Irving’s management company, A11Even, negotiated the deal.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

It hurts getting dunked on by Gen Z because you know they're just sitting there dressed like season 2 of Friends.

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ian karmel

4 years

What's the dumbest reason you got fired? The Old Spaghetti Factory let me go because a woman, who was faking a British accent, ordered a cup of tea and I didn't bring it out on a saucer.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

To the people who think I'm really sending my grandmother a statue of Hitler every year - rest assured, I'm only joking. It's actually a Big Mouth Billy Bass of Himmler that sings "Send in the Clowns" if you push a little button.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

I got engaged a few days ago and I'm so happy it's almost embarrassing. Every cliche makes sense. I might buy a Live, Laugh, Love sign. I get it.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

DEMOCRATS WILL MAKE EVERY CITY LOOK LIKE PORTLAND!

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ian karmel

4 months

I would die of old age behind the wheel of my car before I let this standing person have the parking spot. I would adopt a child, raise them in the car, and pass my grudge onto them, and they to their child, for a thousand generations.

@NoCapFights

Wild content

4 months

Ain’t no way they think this is ok😭

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ian karmel

6 months

I like the Timberwolves retro logo, but it also looks like it just saw its crush agree to go to prom with a different guy.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

Sometimes doctors are just like “Huh! Weird!”

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

Your boy just dipped below 300 pounds for the first time since early high school. Excited to keep going, devastated to relay, once again, that it really is all about what you eat.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I'm a comedian and I'm not even one of the smart ones, but a very smart person told me something once and I'm gonna pass it along - do not judge someone's reaction to being oppressed more harshly than you judge the oppression itself.

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ian karmel

4 years

FELLOW ANTI-MASKERS AT!!! I want to say, I'm so proud of you for standing up to the paranoid sheep who want to steal our liberty - but we can't stop here. The deep state also doesn't want us eating spaghetti out of a toilet. They say it's "unhealthy." Lets show them who's boss.

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ian karmel

4 years

Since we're all just stuck inside, why not share your favorite fact about anything ever. I'll start. Once, when Larry Bird was recovering from a back injury, he ate seven wedding cakes. He specifically ate wedding cakes because "Who would fuck up a wedding cake?"

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ian karmel

4 years

Gotta be Scarlett Johansson.

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ian karmel

4 years

@DARollins She's standing under the right sign.

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ian karmel

4 years

No, yeah, we know. We’ve got the tall one.

@AFP

AFP News Agency

4 years

#BREAKING France says 130,000 citizens stuck abroad over virus restrictions

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ian karmel

2 years

The problem with Twitter is there will always be a group of people experiencing freshman year of college out loud, at everyone, in perpetuity, forever.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

My dumbest idea is back on TV tonight!

@latelateshow

The Late Late Show with James Corden

2 years

TONIGHT! Behold the power of @bts_twt as they transform the intersection outside our studio into the world’s premiere music venue for their #BTSCrosswalk Concert!

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ian karmel

4 years

I've decided to be a loudmouth idiot on Twitter less and talk more about how... I swear when I was a kid, Subway was like... upper tier fast food, and then at some point, it became some basement shit that nobody liked, but I swear this is how it always tasted...

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

10 months

I was on set with Tom Cruise, and we had several hours in between takes, and dude talked for like half an hour about Buster Keaton.

@theeladyeve

the big sleepy

10 months

real ones know that the actual reason letterboxd didn’t get tom cruise’s top 4 is that he started reeling off a list longer than Marty’s Sight and Sound “top 10” ballot

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ian karmel

2 years

I’m 37 in that I’m like 24 on a Friday night and 93 on a Saturday morning.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I'm 35.

@Jason_Shetler

Jason Shetler

4 years

Without revealing your age, who was your very first favorite athlete?

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

Twitter is so fucking woke and people are probably gonna jump down my throat, but whatever - I agree with Sam Elliott. There wasn't even one powerful dog in that movie, let alone a dog powerful enough to warrant naming the movie after it. Clifford should have been called The Powe

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

RIP Betty White. Gunned down in her prime.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

she’s ready to risk it all for the karms

@mpgeyer

Mike Geyer

4 years

Busted: lady in the blue skirt straight peepin’ @IanKarmel backside. Imagine if he’d made those field goal kicks. #Ramshouse @RamsNFL

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Portland is not a warzone. I was just there for 2 weeks. Families are out for walks, people are biking and having coffee and drinking on patios, there are boats in the river and birds in the sky. The protests and "vandalism" (spray paint) are happening in a small area downtown.

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ian karmel

2 months

The Oklahoma City Thunder announcer was talking about Chet and said "If this guy isn't the Rookie of the Year, who is!?" Buddy...

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

6 months

they gotta fix the housing crisis, we've got too many 35 year olds who care about who's voicing cartoons for children, we gotta get these people some water heater concerns asap

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 months

Perfect for the athlete who wants to dodge the NBA draft.

@KicksFinder

KicksFinder

3 months

. @realDonaldTrump debuts “The Never Surrender High-Tops” at @SneakerCon Philadelphia. Limited to 1000 pairs “They're for the go-getters who don't know the word quit. With a standout gold finish and the 'T' badge, these kicks are for true Patriots. Wrapped with an American flag…

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

Who's the person who most seems like they were on SNL but they weren't? I'm going with Will Arnett.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

My friend got arrested for holding an umbrella at a protest, but okay.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I don't know if y'all have listened to Harry Styles' latest album "Fine Line" yet - but it's fucking gooooood.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I WANT to believe I wouldn't still eat this.

@nypost

New York Post

4 years

Ohio Little Caesars delivers pizza with pepperoni swastika

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I bought a home AND I'm gorgeous! My enemies are shivering, unable to cope, cursing whatever gods their feeble brains can conjure.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Undercover cops at protests always look like they bought their whole outfit at the airport.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

Entire family having a meltdown because I asked their lacrosse ass teenage son to wear a mask in the Delta lounge.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

My girlfriend got engaged to… it looks like Chris Pine?

@DanaSchwartzzz

Dana Schwartz - on hiatus

@DanaSchwartzzz

3 years

So excited to marry you, @IanKarmel . Love this picture of us 💍

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ian karmel

3 years

TONIGHT I BECAME THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER MAKE DINNER.

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ian karmel

1 year

They're all dressed like different eras of Steve Harvey.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Pete Buttigieg is the mayor of a college town and he’s running for President. The hell is he gonna do if he wins, jump start the economy by opening two Pita Pits and an open mic night?

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

Absolutely destroyed Corden right here.

@latelateshow

The Late Late Show with James Corden

3 years

Happy Fanksgiving everyone.

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ian karmel

4 months

I know we're supposed to hate everything, but I feel like this has been a really fun broadcast made by people who love TV for people who love TV.

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ian karmel

4 years

This made me cry?

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Yer boy Harry Styles crushed it hosting the @latelateshow tonight. Chune in.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

Everybody talking about their ultra conservative family members at Thanksgiving but I’m from Portland so I just got ambushed with “female beauty standards are based on pedophilia” by my nibling while I was trying to get some pumpkin pie.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

They’ll never look at a picture of their first birthday, wondering if that blur in the corner is a cake, a toy or the dog - only to have your mom tell you it’s grandma.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

1 year

It's nice that it says "END RACISM" above one end zone. Maybe a tiny bit diminished by the giant "CHIEFS" in the other one.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

Always pitch your dumbest idea, folks. Sometimes it works out.

@latelateshow

The Late Late Show with James Corden

3 years

James and Prince Harry pay a visit to the iconic Fresh Prince of Bel-Air home! Full clip:

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Sincerely asking, @PortlandPolice , is this not attempted murder? Trucks driving through crosswalk signals? Plowing through people?

@TheRealCoryElia

Cory Elia

@TheRealCoryElia

4 years

Driving through crowds and macing out of vehicles at SW 4th and Washington.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Yes, I do remember when I started to believe in love again.

@annamelissa

anna melissa 🍉✨

4 years

y’all remember when laura dern & baron davis were a thing???? weirdest couple i’ve ever seen.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Doug Gottlieb must really love basketball because every six months he volunteers to become the hoop for a Twitter slam dunk contest.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

1 year

Now if the line had been "so we beat off, boats against the current..." maybe 17 year old me would have understood.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

RIP Angela Lansbury. Gunned down in her prime.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Guys, I was part of the team that took out bin Laden and this just isn't true. We DID fly Delta.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Many are asking if this is a joke. Yes. It's a joke that Pizza Hut Taco Bell won't sell me a 7 Layer Burrito but also with Pizza Ingredients. This is America.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

HIPAA violation.

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ian karmel

1 year

Orrrrrrrrrr...

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

It was me who arranged for all these fireworks. Tell your dog I want my fucking money.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I was nominated for a couple Writer’s Guild Awards, because I’m easily one of the five greatest comedy writers of all time, and they sent the certificate and a letter today and...

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

I earnestly love watching BYU because they'll be like "The Cougars are really excited about this freshman tight end. When he's not in the weight room he owns a successful dry wall company that he runs with his three adult sons."

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

It’s always hilarious to me when someone says “don’t fuck with me, I’m from _________.” Like only three cities have fights. Oh you’re from Chicago? So is Fred Savage. Chill.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

Just saw Tracy Morgan at the airport and he has a white guy following him around with a Bluetooth speaker playing 90s rap/r&b.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Gen Z be like *lives entire life with the grim specter of climate change hanging over their head, knowing that if they ever have children of their own, they're basically signing them up to die in a war fought over drinkable water* lol

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Damian Lillard, greatest Blazer of all time. Not much of a discussion anymore imho.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

The notion that someone would come forward as a sexual abuse survivor for clout or fame or noteriety is such a profoundly stupid idea. It falls apart after even a moment of rational thought. You see a successful chain restaurant based on outing Matt Lauer? No? No.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

When your son goes WAY out of his league.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

Wait until this dude finds out the quarterback wears a different color jersey at practice.

@Shermanator_42

Anthony Sherman

@Shermanator_42

3 years

The @NFL is making players wear colored wrist bands now based on vaccination status. Funny, I thought we all agreed on the evils of segregation back in the 60s. Here we are again- only this time it’s based on personal health choices instead of skin color.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I just watched Coco for the first time, and oooooooh I cried.

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ian karmel

4 years

I gotta mute this joke, too many guys wearing Oakleys challenging me to a debate.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

1 year

"Not that easy, LeBron."

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

7 months

The ADL also called me anti-Semitic because when I was on Chelsea Lately and Germany won the World Cup I said it was nice for the Germans to have something gold that they didn't pry out of my grandmother's mouth.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Joe Rogan has had guests on his show who were personally responsible for my family and I being doxed and receiving death threats. You know what? I don’t care, it’s all just noise, and it doesn’t change Sanders’ policies.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

@natefernald I'm 51% happy for you and 49% jealous. Way to go, man.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

10 years

22 year old me after a night of drinking: "I hope I didn't do anything stupid." 29 year old me: "I hope I didn't agree to go on a hike."

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I've lost a bunch of weight and I regret to inform you that it really is all about your diet. It's a fucking bummer. I wish I had cooler news. I'm so sorry.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

Boy Skip Bayless is just a real piece of shit.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

I understand why some people are aghast at the idea of “Bernie or Bust” - but you also gotta understand how dire shit is. He’s the only one who offers any hope for a better life, free from economic bondage and outright death, for a lot of people.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

3 years

This Kevin Durant - Michael Rappaport thing is a story so devoid of heroes that AMC is probably gonna pick it up and win like 15 Emmys.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

4 years

How much do you think it costs to have a picture framed? Nope. It’s at least $40 more than that.

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@IanKarmel

ian karmel

2 years

@dulcesloan Great Britain is the island, which contains England, Scotland and Wales. All of which are countries, which combined with Northern Ireland, form the sovereign state of the United Kingdom.

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