Had a taste of househusbandry on paternity leave and now I cant function as a lawyer anymore or maybe even in any job. im just here to try to tweet through it
When some ppl hear minimum wage hike, they sit straight down in a imaginary CEO chair at their imaginary company & start thinkin about how paying their imaginary employees would hurt their imaginary company's bottom line & report back to us like, "thats gonna be a no from me dog"
My daughter keeps singin “started from the bottom, now we here” & i told her she needed to stop bc she goes to private school😭. We gon nip any concepts of getting anything out of the mud before they even start. Like, u come from a stable well supported environment. Knock it off
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The amount of money theyre saying some colleges will lose if they dont have a football season is showing that theyre not even really colleges. Theyre just football programs that teach classes as a side hustle
People will be like "i dont know a single person IRL who has had covid" and believe its not possible to get. Meanwhile, they dont know a single billionaire IRL and believe thats totally achievable
My daughter is a FORCE. She just picked a name for the baby, started calling her that, and everyone else kinda just fell in line with it. Im like 99% sure thats gonna be the baby’s name too 😭
My wife read something that says newborns think their mom is part of them, like they are the same entity, so their dad is usually the first person they know as a separate being
Unrelated, i was reading about as global warming continues to melt ancient ice, ancient diseases will likely be re-released into the world that havent been active in thousands of years
I accidentally got brought to an all ladies winery tour one time bc we thought husbands were gonna be there. I tried to leave but the ladies all pressured me to stay and girrrrl, let me tell you, i had fun 😭
My wife said that I be "doing the most" in like a slang way. I brought my son in it & said "mommy be doing the most right?" He got all literal & said "yeah, she works the most, cooks the most, everything the most." Im like ABORT MISSION! Worst cosign ever. Of course she was like
Unfortunately 2mil is below my “never work again” number, so sadly, im gonna do boring stuff like fill my kids 529, make some non exciting investments, get rid of any unnecessary debt, & still carry my ass to work tomorrow
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
When i got my first 9-5 after college, after a few months it really hit me that no summer break was coming. No winter break. No spring break. No more schedules w/free time at noon. Live footage of me picturing having to do some variation of working everyday for DECADES to come:
Omg, poor baby has her first job. Like..she has to commute?? Like...she has to cook dinner?? Like...no time or energy to work out?? Like..she's working in person not remote??? Like...She. Has. To. Work. 9. To. 5 ??? What????🙄
Ppl drive cars like this w/ 8 computers, got a iphone in their pocket, another computer on their wrist & countless devices at home & think somebody needs to spend time & effort on a diabolical plan to put a secret computer chip in them 😭. Dude, u already in ALL the databases
A OG having all this, and also telling young dudes that its not important bc it will all come in due time if you just stay focused & perfect your craft, doesn’t make him a hypocrite, it makes him right
Having to wait for a sales associate to come unlock anything other than electronics will mostly ensure that i’ll never come back for that item again. And if multiple things i need are locked in multiple sections of your store, i just wont ever go to your store again if possible
My daughter’s tutor had her sorting nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs. My daughter kept saying that it didnt make sense why they didnt just name adjectives “adnouns” 🤯. Ive never been so excited to smoke weed with someone 20 years from now
Black person: im pro reparations
White person: you actually have slave owner lineage!
Black person: Sir, the “got you” you are hype about is called rape
My son’s Betta Fish died today. Turns out, my daughter had been feedin hers AND his the whole time. She asked him to feed hers once & he said naw & she said ok & never fed his again. Long story short, men arent shit without women, bc that lil MF let the damn fish starve TO DEATH
Not to shoot at Josh here, but it’s hilarious that employers say full time salaried is 40 hours and have absolutely no problem with employees working 48 hrs a week (or more) for that salary but 32hrs for that salary is “not going to work”
I got a $4500 raise and my paycheck went up $110. I am in no way complaining but can you imagine making $95,500 and you get a 4500 dollar raise up to the magical “six figures” that you always heard about and you open your check and see that you only made $110 more?
My wife makes more money than me as a lawyer AND has the nerve to still always have side hustles going too. Her current one is air bnb. Her capitalism always involves me working. Now Im like housekeeping for her bootleg hotel
She was like, “i dont get it. Its just a song.” Im thinking, “yeah, thats how starts.” One day youre just singing drake lyrics but next youre telling private school kids wild stories about surviving around your way
Im washing my daughters hair like i do most sundays. We usually play a album. I found the clean Black Album for tonight. She clearly recognizes Hov’s voice enough bc she always asks, “Is that Beyonce’s husband” 😭
This tweet wasn’t supposed to leave my twitter neighborhood. Last time yall did this to a tweet about us having a baby, my wife was like, “Fred, what did you say on twitter bc people are congratulating me on linkedin”
The smartest women shoot their shot by facilitating the situation for you to shoot yours while leaving you feeling like you were the actual shooter, when in fact, you just got bagged 😭
A white coworker once told me that most white ppl dont like being reminded that theyre white. Like, they know we’re black ppl, or asian, or whatever ppl, but they got to live most of their lives as just ppl. From that view, them being mad at that innocent hiking tweet make sense
We just left a pool party. When i got a slice of veggie pizza there, my daughter said, “becoming a vegetarian was the worst mistake of your life.” Im like why? She said “it seems like u used to have hair & muscles when you ate meat.” The dad i was talking to said, “holy smokes”😭
30+ dudes on here talking about they cant date women their age bc they have emotional baggage and kids, so they go date younger women, i guess, so they can help them have emotional baggage and kids by 30 🙃. No way we’re not living in a simulation
I just read that the average white person has less than one black friend 😭. I got white people claiming fractional relationships with me that i dont even know about. "How can i be racist, i have a timeshare black friend at work."
The internet is wild. How u share a story about u payin too much child support to ur BM who only has the kid 1day a wk, creating the rare instance that the internet sides with u, the dad, & then it turns out thats its not u who has the kid the other 6 days, ITS THE DAMN GRANDMA😭
Its wild how after shootings ppl start advocatin for us all to get strapped up. Ppl watch too many movies. U see how sorry police act in real situations & they actual train. Your shootin range practice aint bout to have u prepared to be JohnWick if some shit pop off. Lets be real
According to the US Census Bureau, only 1.2% of the US population has a PhD. This makes having a PhD period very rare. Of that 1.2%, only 7% are black. Theyre walking around with the confidence of a unicorn bc thats almost literally what they are
I tried to put my boy on to a friend once & he looked @ her IG & it was nothin but constant international travel & he said, “im good. I dont have anything to offer her.” Thats when i knew my obliviousness is a strength bc that wouldnt have even crossed my mind as a reason to pass
Dudes will go raw 57 straight times and then when the woman doesnt want to have an abortion will claim that she knew he didnt want a kid & he’s being trapped 😭. No, you drew up a detailed blueprint and then perfectly executed a plan to trap your damn self
That tying black excellence to money & success, instead of strong family and community, is capitalism’s greatest trick of keep most black people from actually getting to the money and success
We were walking into Dicks Sporting Goods and my son was literally skipping and yelled “i love dicks”😭. A group of teenage boys busted out laughing and my daughter said, “i think those boys just laughed at us.” I just let it ride bc i wasnt touching that convo if i didnt have to
Whoa. This blew up out of nowhere while i was sleep. My wife is gonna accuse me of stealing her content for tweets😭. She got a whole baby that thinks its still part of her tho. She’ll be fine
Half of this shit is no big deal & u can start doing it on a random Tues. My hot take, is the type of person who thinks that ppl need to have evrything ready or fixed b4 they can start a relationship is actually the most insufferable type of person to be in a relationship with
my hot take is i don’t think anybody should be dating until their shit is together. eating healthy, working out regularly, having a morning routine, a spiritual practice, a therapist, financial discipline. things like that have to come first.
@peabianjay
@rebeccaisdope
@aly_lyss
This is like some kind of double reverse psychology. This is exactly what a 5'9er would have the audacity to say in plain sight under a thread like this.
The problem with the people in charge of the stimulus checks is that $600, $1400, $2000, or even $2000 monthly mean nothing to them because theyre already straight. They dont have the empathy or sympathy for any normal life situations normal people are going through
Whoa. This blew up while i was sleep. I dont have anything to promote but you can drop something in my daughter’s 529 bc we cant actually afford this private school tuition
A black dude could be caught with 47 murdered bodies in his basement and somebody, without a doubt, would say, "they never charge white serial killers this fast."
We talked about this incident at dinner. My daughter hated everything about it. She was only worried if i was really gonna get squished or not. She totally ignored the step dad part. Thats why we besties
Dude in my comments said, “fathers would be present if y’all didn’t run them off with your bitterness and nasty attitudes.” Apparently, nobody can stop a alpha from doing ANYTHING… except an army of one small woman that he had a child with
I opened the comments and saw “800 credit score . I can get access up to $2 million dollars with that type of credit score” 😭. Ive had a 800+ credit score long enough to know I would sell it right now unquestionably for 50k
Thats 250 a week. A 1000 a month. 12,000 a year. If you make 100k & have 10k pretax deductions per year & are taxed 22%, youre bringing home like 70k post tax. That means it costs you almost 20% of your take home pay just to go to work
Imagine being mad at Sexxy Red for coming to your school smelling like weed instead of being mad at yourself for inviting her there in the first damn place. Maybe we get C Murder to speak to the kids via zoom from prison in the auditorium next week
Ive seen "bury me loose" and "loose leaf freezer meat" on here recently. Nobody can tell me that black people arent the expression creation gods. No debate.
Women are flourishing as doctors, lawyers, businesswomen, or whatever and bc these women are harder to impress now & not giving their feminine energy out to just anyone, instead of getting their weight up, dudes are blaming feminism 😭
Dudes be talking about only dating women of a caliber that will help them close CEO level business deals without a single potential business deal in sight. Im about to start agreeing with the women. We probably are the more delusional sex
The broader point is that white kids will be so deep into portraying a image of being down with black people or black culture and literally not know anything about black people or black culture
This "Big Quit" movement of people quitting their jobs for better or more flexible jobs is such an elitist conversation. You gotta be at a certain socioeconomic level for this to be a real option for most people
Ive heard countless men say monogamy is unnatural and forced and thats why it doesnt work. The second their girl says they agree, dudes become biological anthropologist citing the history of nuclear families and the necessity of fidelity😭
The greatest trick that white people have ever pulled on one another is making each other believe they earned everything they have. Its like all the white welfare of the past century, that excluded everyone else, never even existed
Whoever came up with "Didn't Earn It" as the description of DEI might have saved the world.
Normally, the clever alternative names people use to mock the other side's policy are nothing but grin-worthy.
This one could collapse the whole racist system. It's that strong.
They just talked about this on Seattle radio. This story is gaining nationwide traction. Southwest is in trouble. Thats what they get too. They were wilding. I hope some people get fired. I've seen way worse on planes. We all know why she was treated like this.
Y’all I was KICKED OFF my
@SouthwestAir
flight because my boobs are “lewd, obscene and offensive.” I was told that passengers may look at me in my attire and be offended. The attire in question:
Unattractive mixed and non black women that be in black twitter calling people ugly is 100% our fault. Black men have made these women feel too good about themselves
Okay, the common response here is “how is this unrelated” lol. I was just trying to be the totally reasonable non conspiratorial twitter user not trying to make connections between things, instead of yelling what i really wanted to: WE’RE GONERS!