Pastrami Mommy @Ewelannawhite Twitter profile

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Pastrami Mommy

3 months

there’s a big difference between a couch nap and a bed nap. a couch nap is where you take a subtle little jaunt through your subconscious. a bed nap is where you succumb to the darkness much like an old sign getting engulfed by the bark of a tree

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

got home last night to my sweet, thoughtful boyfriend surprising me with a fresh batch of brownies. ate a few then left them in the kitchen for an hour and came back to this

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

8 days

you can be as weird about this as you want but the girl in the stitch shirt would have gotten scooped up by america’s next top model in 2004 and eaten up the competition i can tell you that much

Mittens

@JUSTcatmeme

10 days

This is the scariest video I think I’ve ever seen

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 month

incredible design to have spikes on ointment caps so you can puncture the tube to open it like honestly that is soooooo cunty

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 month

“oy, mista! you me espresso?”

lost boy🦇

@guilleeaguilar_

1 month

barry kheogan the man that u are #MetGala

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

we are the daughters of the bajas you couldn’t blast

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

he didn’t like trouble and i was fucking hebben een serieus probleem

i hate you joe biden

@sonyashea3

1 year

i don’t like this.

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

10 months

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

every hot person has a sandwich they ate 3 years ago that they think about at least once a week

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

9 months

i personally think it’s high time that elijah wood and daniel radcliffe play brothers who are also weird little guys

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

6 months

christmas day 2022//christmas day 2023

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

6 months

you should be able to call off work for having teeth falling out dreams the night before

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

3 months

men with j names

Daily Star

@dailystar

7 years

Five things that should NEVER go near your vagina

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 months

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 months

finally figured out who timmy as bob dylan reminded me of

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@town_scryer definitely had nothing to do with him!!!!! definitely DEFINITELY not!!!!

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

6 months

i don’t need a weighted blanket i need to be baked into a pie

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

natural history is incredible

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

didn’t expect to be victimized the moment i got home but ok…..

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 days

a girl from a podunk town in the middle of alaska? her favorite hobby is fishing and her first friend was a bear cub who was born in her backyard?? it has WRITTEN ITSELF

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 months

sorry i can’t come the sun’s coming in through the living room window just so

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

i now know how the early archaeologists must have felt….

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

P*ssy from a girl who’s never ready to order when the server comes because she’s been too busy telling her little stories

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 days

@jenbegakis you know she would kill in a smokey eye

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

8 months

you let it linger?? when i explicitly told you not to???

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

Sarah Bellum

@tamsully12

1 year

WITHOUT GOOGLING Name a famous historic battle.

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

3 months

i think if you make your apartment look really pretty your landlord should give you a discount on your rent

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

a nepotism baby is a person who’s 1/3 strawberry, 1/3 vanilla and 1/3 chocolate

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

bro where’s your childlike sense of wonder

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@AMNH waffle’s face when i tell him 185k ppl have liked his masterpiece so far

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

don’t care+didn’t ask+making a big soup rn

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

there’s a subgenre of indie pop which i like to call “chloe music” it can simply be explained as music that sounds like it was sung by a little white girl named chloe

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

when shelters name cats stuff like george forman grill and pocket wrench i’m like that is what i’m TALKIN ABOUT

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

9 months

it’s finally that time of year again. tomorrow hot girl summer rolls out. we are now officially ushering in forlorn girl fall

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 days

@punishedgarage jay would have laid down his life for her

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

8 days

@missmayn like you cannot tell me that her and ann don’t have the same vibe PLZ

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

I am not overexaggerating when I say that my life was changed when I learned I could put a hat on my horse in Stardew Valley

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 days

@R0B0BITCH wrong the choppers make the look

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

4 months

the head of the tortured poets department

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

tits or ass? bro her sullen disposition. her utter malaise and ennui.

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

they call garlic a bulb because it’s a light in the darkness….a beacon of hope through the cold blackness that is the mortifying ordeal of being known

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 month

just ate a savory snack haha nice now it’s time for a sweet one :) haha nice now it’s time for a savory one :) haha nice now it’s time for a sweet one :) haha nice now it’s time for a savory one :) haha nice now it’s time for a sweet one :) haha nice now it’s time for a savory on

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

Jay P

@JohnathanPerk

1 year

Orcas have taken to slamming their [up to 18,000 pound] bodies into ships, capsizing them—totally new behavior. Orca moms have even been proactive in teaching the pod’s calves the skill, encouraging practice on smaller boats💀 Expect more of this from other animals moving fwd.

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 months

this is, quite literally, the plot of the other two

✨ 𝓗 𝓞 𝓛 𝓛 𝓨 𓆙

@hollyhollssss

2 months

hearing jojo siwa say “i’m entering my new adult, naughty girl phase” while wearing that hat has ruined my entire day

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

the preservation has begun

Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

got home last night to my sweet, thoughtful boyfriend surprising me with a fresh batch of brownies. ate a few then left them in the kitchen for an hour and came back to this

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

sending this to him like “me n u”

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@1KevHamilton nothing but respect for my president 🫡

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 months

the art//the artist

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 months

the best part of receiving a bouquet of fresh flowers is taking it around the apartment to pose it for pictures like a doting new parent

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

8 days

hey sry i didn’t text back, my parents got turned into pigs and i got blackmailed into indentured servitude for the bathhouse of the spirits :/

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

my cat and i when we pass the bechdel test

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@OneInsaneSlut this will perhaps be the greatest unsolved mystery of my lifetime!

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

they laughed at my joke so i got the zoomies

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

10 months

them: you better not be a cunty vaudevillian tomato when i get there me:

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

“black cats are bad luck” ok well you should feel lucky you saw a cat at all LOSER

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

met this incredibly strange looking cat on the way to babysit and when i showed her a picture, the 8-year-old i watch not only informed me that she knows this cat but has also named it “mr. business”

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

these cupcakes at my local bakery truly took my breath away

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

the bisexual agenda is alive and well

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

7 months

MeidasTouch

@MeidasTouch

7 months

He's not going quietly: George Santos is spilling the beans on his fellow Republican colleagues, accusing them of drunkenness, adultery, insider trading and more.

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

going into a job interview and slow blinking to assert my gentleness in the workplace

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

NYC Friends! My bf and I have been fostering sweet 7-year-old Patrick and due to his age, adoption interest has been slow. Patrick is quirky, a total play machine and the ULTIMATE lap cat. He’s a dream WFH buddy and his snaggletooth will melt your heart 🥲 Retweets appreciated!!!

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

12 days

all things considered, the brits really went off with “what’s all this then” like…what IS all this then

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

ok i guess i would like to play this one

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

My cat and I have something called “baby time” which is very simple: It’s when I pick him up and hold him like a little baby

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 months

just saw a cocktail on a menu with burrata water in it ridgewood needs to be STOPPED

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

6 months

this is how i’m showing up to any plans until april by the way

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

3 months

(in a job interview) hiring team: do you have any future goals? me: i’d like to befriend a flock of crows by exchanging gifts one day

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

if you ask me what sights you shouldn’t miss when visiting nyc i’m not going to tell you to go to the empire state building, i’m sending you straight to the william wegman dog mosaic subway station

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

24 days

“let’s see if my friend is home” i murmur to myself as i turn down the street of a beloved neighborhood cat

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

they midwest emo-ified coraline someone needs to answer for these crimes

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

they should make a black mirror episode about how smoke made it too toxic to go outside and then 5 billionaires died on a diy submarine and then the biggest newspaper in the country suggested death as a way to handle student loans then the government made it illegal to be gay and

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

girls when they discover the only way out is through

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

4 months

few have exhibited a mind such as his

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

5 months

whoever saw this thing and named it a grackle really went off that one like that’s absolutely a grackle right there that’s exactly what that is

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 years

(At the club, yelling over the music) Them: HEY CAN I GET A SIP OF THAT FLASK? Me: SURE IT’S PASTA WATER

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@marzipanlord it looked like it tasted good and it probably did!!!!

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

4 months

sorry this is the only madame web who matters

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

9 months

it’s their time they are the moment

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@impeachpicnic @town_scryer he’s a tough client to represent but someone needed to do it!

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@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@hittheroad_JAC that’s simply an innocent bystander!

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

cats are either jester coded or royalty coded cat there’s really no in between

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 months

when you see a bird pulling a worm up from the ground it’s just like wow that is CLASSIC

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

2 months

kermit and miss piggy

ellie //

@villanelliee

2 months

do i even need to say their names

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep. That’s why I’m SO excited to share my classic banana bread recipe-

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

the sirens trying to get into the sub down there

Pop Tingz

@ThePopTingz

1 year

Banging sounds are being heard in search for the missing Titanic-tour submarine.

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 month

i would have worn the shit out of these in 2012 with my little peter pan collars i can tell you that much

Nicole McLaughlin

@nicolemclovin

1 month

teacup headphones

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@Ewelannawhite

1 year

when i’m still in the middle of a story but the conversation’s pivoting farther away by the second

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

11 months

@rebecca_decker i literally cackled for 10 minutes straight i could not BELIEVE

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

8 days

@TheMovieMermaid tyra would have lost her mind over that girl

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

being in a relationship is all about one person accidentally pronouncing something the wrong way once and then both of you referring to it as that for the rest of time

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite

1 year

march is like let’s have a mediocre tuesday but for 31 days straight

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Pastrami Mommy

@Ewelannawhite