this series of posts is the work I wish I'd found ten years ago. I've now written it. for myself, for the men in the world who will find love in it, and for everyone else who would love men...
three hundred ways it can hurt to be a man.
my parents have a kind of praxis where they approach chores or labour as having near-zero cost; time will pass anyway so you mightas well spend it improving your dinner, your home, your life. I respect it a lot; it inspires me. this week I will try to make this attitude my own.
as a kid I went to a Montessori school where I could do what I wanted so long as I was making the baseline expected progress and I think I've never recovered from the harsh cultural shock of afterwards spending six years locked up in high school with its mandatory classes & rules
@mechanical_monk
imo it means she's landed in the new interpersonal context (good work there) and a new context of course requires a new greeting or welcome to establish that it is recognized. she's dropped out of the old context, the vibes and people are different, you're meeting e/o anew
Riven is a really great game. It's maybe the single most immersive game ever made, which is impressive, given it's 25 years old and is presented in a manner only slightly more interactive than a powerpoint presentation — at a 640x480 resolution to boot.
Let me sell you on it.
@harry_taussig
there's at least one underlying dynamic of "your social reality does in fact convince other people of itself too"
"oohh I gotta soften this because it's a hurtful thing" → "wait, it's a hurtful thing?" → "you're hurting me?"
vs. "hey here's a thing" → "oh, cool, a thing"
for example, it took me two years to get it into my system that studying was an activity I needed to do. studying is actually barely a real-world activity; normally in life you encounter problems, ask the relevant questions, and learn what you need to in order to answer them.
ok how FUCKING insane is music tho. literally a straight-up door opening into the feeling dimension and you can just have that shit on blast twenty four hours a day whenever you want anywhere. the most direct on-demand vibes in existence. music is mind-blowingly amazing. you guys
how cool would it be if a videogame's basic information systems were biased?
enemy descriptions written as propaganda; quest descriptions written by a biased government; reticle colour showing "ally" for certain foes who hacked your system; money pickups invisibly taxed; etc.
I need a mattress with a heartbeat so I can coregulate with it as though it were a giant loving organism supporting and sheltering me. who is building this
My sabbatical has lasted six months now, and on a discrete level, nothing has improved: I haven't done any work on moving, on exploring jobs, etc. But I've experienced three of the five best weeks of my life; resolved long-term issues; and am feeling much better than I ever have.
I'm surprised that I've never heard anyone argue that rich actors shouldn't play poor characters in films, and that these roles should instead go to financially poor actors.
Did I miss this? Or did culture somehow sidestep this argument? Or is it still coming?
Against all expectations, you were selected to meet the world's wisest man. You've been signing up for the annual lottery for over a decade now, but with millions of competitors, you never thought you'd be chosen. Fate remains ever inscrutable: you are set to meet him today.
At dinner with two friends yesterday, it came up that all three of us feel that we can't meaningfully show ourselves at our (STEM) jobs; at work lunches, oftentimes silence reigns, & there's never a heartfelt conversation. We despaired at the prospect of living this for 40 years.
of course the better solution would be to create Montessori high schools. even in university I did much better when given a problem but given leeway to figure out how to solve it myself, plus guidance when needed. high school's excessive authoritarianism can't be good for people.
@TylerAlterman
There's no number, however small, between 0.99999... and 1, hence they're the same. There *are* numbers between 0.9888... and 0.9999... , for example, 0.98999...
nowadays I feel I that among my peers I am uniquely bad at figuring out what to do in life. I've learned very well how to learn but had to give up all my previously developed notions of getting to pick my own problems to learn for, which turned out to be the more important skill.
I *badly* need a word that expresses "the most X given a high Y and the most Y given a high X (but not necessarily the most X or Y)"
"this cup is neither the prettiest nor the cheapest I've seen, but among pretty cups it is the cheapest, and among cheap cups it is the prettiest"
one thing that freaks me out more than almost anything is to read journal entries from years ago & find that the exact same problems+solutions I came up w/ mere months ago are described there fully. what is it that makes me continuously lose the most crucial insights of my life?
one such life-guiding piece of advice that has been impactful for me, and which I've been trying to move into more, is
"whatever you think the world has been withholding from you, you have been withholding from the world."
everybody got that one piece of advice stuck in their head that guides the movement of their soul, but it unfortunately sounds stupid as hell so you can never say it to anybody
after straggling behind for two years, I eventually wisened up, and in my fourth year I made getting good at studying my entire Thing. after all, this was the one big message I was getting from both my parents and my sociocultural environment.
I got really damn good at it.
met a psychologist today but I told him I really wasn't feeling the vibe and would go back to my GP to find someone else. he told me, "that's the stupidest thing you've said in your whole life." what?? I just thanked him for his time and left but bro. what???
main reason why I loathe the "male gaze"-framing is that it invariably implies that 1) sexual attraction is incompatible with respect and 2) being attracted to female bodies does women harm + is intrinsically gross and a sign of lacking self-control
desiring sex is not violence.
maybe it's a self-serving belief, but I can't help but feel that if I'd been given a gradually-increasing freedom, rather than first being given a lot of it and then told it was no longer How To Do Things, I might have turned out better. maybe I wouldn't have though. hard to say.
realizing I'm stressed because I'd like to improve my life quickly, powerfully, but am only seeing paths for slow improvement. I would be fine with slowness, but I see people who seem to me like they are very swift in this.
I'd like to know if slowness may be normal after all 🥲
feels a little like all the people I know who've done enough somatic/emotions/woo work, have stopped enjoying coding jobs
are there any people who've gone deeply into this sort of thing, but who also still like to code?
being in men's circles makes me feel like this is how male vulnerability was always supposed to work: you get real with your brothers so you can keep it together for the women in your life. I fucking love men and I'll make sure no man in my life will ever forget that.
Fortunately, the solution is clear.
Be generous to people. Show yourself. Be loud. Be vulnerable. Be loving -- even when you don't yet know if the other person deserves it! Be curious; take an interest in people.
In short:
Uh-oh — by some fateful coincidence my parents called half an hour after I tweeted this to tell me they want to have a serious conversation with me this Saturday, on account of my constant inability to tell them what I've been up to.
I could use some advice. What do I tell them?
My sabbatical has lasted six months now, and on a discrete level, nothing has improved: I haven't done any work on moving, on exploring jobs, etc. But I've experienced three of the five best weeks of my life; resolved long-term issues; and am feeling much better than I ever have.
one of the biggest improvements I've made in the last half year is a diminising of what I'll call "rushedness"
feeling always like there's too little time; feeling always like you're too busy, or like you must make yourself busy; feeling that you don't have time for trivialities
My sabbatical has lasted six months now, and on a discrete level, nothing has improved: I haven't done any work on moving, on exploring jobs, etc. But I've experienced three of the five best weeks of my life; resolved long-term issues; and am feeling much better than I ever have.
FUCK yeah you guys
went to a blind dating event today and both the girls I crushed on volunteered their numbers to me
feeling like a million bucks rn 🔥🔥
at my place, I just have a kitchen and my own room
currently at a girl's place and she has a living room
and look, this isn't the first time I'm in a living room lmfao
but suddenly it hits me that I've been really missing this! exactly a living room: a room for living
so good
what are good films that actually show people healing (as opposed to merely attaining some external status or thing)? where you would say that if someone had their experiences in real life, they might indeed genuinely feel healed?
in the near future whenever we'd like to engage in risky conversations with people we will first trial-run said convos using a private AI model trained on these people
when ur flirting w a girl & it's going well you can go for the kill but it's also a rare opportunity to be a lil annoying. she'll forgive you cuz she's desperate to find out where yr flirting will take her. many great chances to be a jester here dudes I suggest you don't miss em
this thing where ppl watch films for the plot & don't like to rewatch stuff because they already know what'll happen, is just so crazy to me. like being uninterested in your favourite dish because you already know what it tastes like. like viewing a beautiful painting only once.
one thing that blew my mind recently was when a friend told me it's entirely possible to be almost entirely quiet in a group but still have your presence be enjoyed throughout
so, I'm pretty sure a huge part of the attraction in positive masculinity is something like
strong enough to hurt you
trustworthy enough not to
guys who listen to the notion that they should be nonthreatening in flirting tend to emphasize the latter but also nullify the former.
absolutely ludicrous that you can't solve your life's problems by making out with people. really insane. it's just bizarre. an extremely unhinged move from God
artist: the world is so beautiful... people are so amazing... I feel overcome by the desire to express this in art. I hope it will show people just how incredible life can be
audience: this art was great. can't wait for the next art
Meanwhile, Cooperators just go for it, and are happier people as a result. Here's their secret: when you cooperate and the other person defects, you can just forget about them and only hang out with the people who cooperated with you. This is known as "making friends."
i'm well known to have sympathy for various less socially acceptable dude beliefs & i'm not here to simp. but like
the wall is so fake. I have met so many ~40yo women who took my breath away with their sensuality, whose beauty reliably stunned roomfuls of men. women stay winnin'
For years I thought being emotionally vulnerable and intimate with people revolved around talking about your own emotions with them
but that's just LARPing vulnerability
Real vulnerability & intimacy is being unafraid to *completely feel* your emotions in front of someone else.
you fuckers. you absolute idiots. did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, insulting someone before you start an argument with them is in fact a great way to ensure they'll feel sufficiently fired up & emotionally disconnected from u to stand up for themselves in said convo?
the other day a girl at a party:
- put her head in my lap
- held out her feet and told me I could massage them
- gave me an extra long and tight parting hug
only when my friend told me afterwards did I realize she was tryna flirt 😆 I thought I was good at this but? I am not.
what if a lack of ability to moderate oneself socially (e.g. over sharing, talking too much, etc.) is due to the fact that these ppl feel ashamed abt themselves on a fundamental level & *have* to dissociate from any sense of "am I inflicting myself on this person?" to talk at all
I tend to feel very low-energy most of the time, and all the things that seem to do some good (like eating better, doing somatic exercises, going for a walk, etc.) feel like they require energy I often don't have.
so
how do I bootstrap getting more energy?
low-key terrible that one of society's most emotionally charged contexts—that of the cinema—does not allow for any emotional processing... I want people to cheer and cry and scream and be moved. we go in and stay silent and still for two hours and then go out... miss me w/ this
going out into the city and seeing a few cute girls being outside here and there now that the weather is getting better is really making me realize how the presence of cute girls can form such a powerful background ambience in literally any context
A model:
There exist two multifarious, mutually opposite and mutually complementary ways of being. Let us say that they are 'divine': greater than us; inherently worthy; indefatigable. They are spirits to be possessed by; forces to channel.
(Epistemic status: vibing.)
There are two ways to become a better Cooperator.
1. Reduce the costs of cooperating (become more comfortable with being vulnerable) and of rejection (have a grounded self-esteem independent of the other person).
2. Make other people cooperate with you more often.
of all ideas I've read in the past decade, "Hate is the New Sex" is maybe the one that has remained most firmly lodged in my mind. imo, it's groundbreaking and full of practical value for just about everyone I meet.
no tl;dr. the whole piece is worth it.
As a guy, growing up, I had precisely zero experiences where I felt like I really emotionally connected with any of my guy friends (this was high school, so of course they were guys), or anyone at all. All we did was play football & videogames, and watch bad action/comedy films.
literally FUCK covid. FUCK covid.
I sign up for dance classes? cancelled
I sign up for philosophy games night? cancelled
I sign up for movie night? cancelled
I sign up for a dance bootcamp? cancelled
I sign up for an authentic relating workshop? cancelled
"If seeing all things as they truly are is, as you say, the secret to a good life; and if indeed you see all things as they truly are; then how come your brother is still wiser than you?"
The man answers: "My brother has not one, but two penises tattooed on his face."
pretty fucking crazy that for years as a teen i just received zero hugs and was at risk of living like that for my whole life
during the last month i've gone to three festivals and have gotten so much physical touch from ppl i like that i'm overflowing w/ love
blessed progress
(my door used to be very squeaky and putting some oil onto it didn't work. but today I bought a little liquid sprayer and that did the trick. it's completely silent now 😭)
(can't believe how low-agency I used to be. slightly better at this now and life is much better this way.)
If you're a nerdy guy and you feel guilty about flirting because some online feminists have been shitty to people like you, I've got a few tweets, threads, and posts that might help some. It's been a long journey for me and I'd love to help my fellow men.
ℹ RESOURCE THREAD ℹ
idiot question time
what the hell is one supposed to do when they're alone? what does life even look like for other people??? im either on social media or playing videogames; my parents either watch the news or some series, or read books
theres gotta be more to life. but what??
In the moment, the Cooperators' strategy is vulnerable and risky. Across a lifetime, they're practically guaranteed to find tons of good people.
It's like a single-player videogame: the times you lose, are forgotten; the times you win, remain.
This one time I was at an LGBTQ party and a guy flirted with me.
I feel flattered still now by his directness, his instant and total desire: the moment he entered the club and spotted me, he beelined *straight* towards me and wasted no time at all in making his intentions clear.
what's up with the developed aphantasia of getting older? as a kid I used to be able to easily fantasize entire scenarios in enough detail to get wholly lost in them for hours; now as an adult I can barely picture an apple. what are other people's experiences with this like?
But even so, the idea of having to hide myself for eight hours a day, for decades to come, is incredibly demotivating. How in the world do people deal with this? Can't it be better? I want to live as a person!
once I was text-flirting w/ a girl who I didn't share a language with. we both web-translated our messages into the other language. it was remarkably sweet; we could get away with being much more frank, with the implied excuse that subtlety would get lost in machine translation.
As a consequence, I don't feel I can show myself *at all* at work. For two years now, I've barely said a word at office lunches because I simply do not feel I have any space to show up at all authentically. These lunches are a big reason why I want my next job to be fully remote.
What's extra amazing is that people are guesstimating the company would break even at *150* units sold. $59k headphones are a niche product by any definition, but are they <150 people niche?
To wit: this guy got unit 138.
@visakanv
niche factor * world population...it's so real
literally all the women I meet I meet at dance classes and intimacy events and that's cool they're lovely people but!! I am *begging* the universe to just send me 1 (one) cute introverted girl who I can sit on the couch and read books with
once had a guy be interested in my weird music taste so I happily threw my most esoteric shit at him. he just wouldn't break which really impressed me. he'd write up thoughts about some of the weirdest stuff I was listening to at the time. later I found out he was just into me
me when I see people calling guys hot: that's nice. good for them. I wish people would call me hot
me when people call me hot: very sweet of them to lie. I guess they like me, nice. man I wish someone would say I'm hot
so what if I fear I'm not hot? let others, not me, reject me.
so what if I fear I take up too much space? let others, not me, reject me.
so what if I fear my thoughts might bore others? let others, not me, reject me.
so what if I fear I'm bad? let others, not me, reject me.
In particular, I feel this very strongly. The only topics I can really talk about are niche games only few people have played; arthouse films too personal and emotional to discuss with colleagues; and all the vulnerability & intimacy work I've done, which is *way* off the table.
* My fasting experience was stellar
* I got two girls' numbers at a dating event
* I got myself an amazing new duvet
* My usually tight stomach is feeling uniquely great
* Ectatic dance tomorrow
* Friend stays over next week
* Festive December is coming up
Life is so good 😭💗
There are two kinds of people.
Defectors: Those who are cautious about strangers until they're given a reason not to be
Cooperators: Those who are enthousiastic about strangers until they're given a reason not to be
I'm still not sure if it was maybe sarcasm or smth? because he otherwise seemed like a fairly OK guy? I just really couldn't vibe with him. what a confusing situation! however I *am* certain that my decision not to continue with him was the right one lmfao
The introductory pitch: Riven is an authentic, thoughtfully-designed adventure game filled with beautiful scenery and imaginative architecture, accompanied by a haunting score; an elegant journey with sinister undertones, deeply human writing, and utterly beguiling exploration.
i rly wish there was more authenticitypoasting happening. I feel like I've barely seen any of this in the last few months. years, honestly. it's what drew me to twitter to begin with. I'm still happy to be here, but I can't help but miss it.
I imply this often but just to make it explicit: I'm really grateful for women that love men. you've had a lot of options for disliking men, but were courageous enough not to take them. I'm grateful for your faith in us; with your love, you aid me in realizing our shared ideals.
the first big thing was realizing there are people like me, and learning how to find them
twitter helped.
the next big thing will be finding those people who were like me one or two decades ago. what are they doing now? what choices did they make? what do their lives look like?
Riven's answer to what puzzles are for, is, as far as I'm aware, nearly unique among videogames.
It is this: "The purpose of this game is to immerse you into the world; therefore the purpose of this game's puzzles is to ensure you've immersed yourself fully."
The thing that really screws me up about social rules and norms is that for every case where someone can say "can you please not do X, X makes me feel Y," someone else can say "can you please not make yourself feel Y when I do X, I'm just doing X but don't want you to feel Y"
I've met some people in my life who were able to play 'cooperate' with an extraordinary amount of people. Shopkeepers, waitresses, strangers on the street, friends of friends... absolutely anyone. They're a miracle to behold.