Eli McCann @EliMcCann Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Eli McCann

1 year

I've been meaning to put together a highlight reel for my pinned tweet like a high school football player who wants to keep doing sports as a grownup, or whatever. So here it is.

Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald's at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said "I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

YOU GUYS. I just saw the most wild thing! A man started walking toward the Girl Scouts cookie stand in front of the grocery store and he yelled “my bitches are BACK” and this Girl Scout just yelled “no. Walk away.” AND HE DID.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

My devout Mormon parents called me just now to ask how we are feeling in light of calls to overturn Obergefell. I told them that we’ll have to move if that happens and my mom said “find a place big enough for us because if this state invalidates your marriage, we’re moving too.”

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald's at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said "I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

Yesterday I was at my grandma's doctor appointment with her and the physician started lecturing her on cutting back on sugar and she interrupted him and said "I am 90. I think I'm doing ok but thanks for the advice."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

10 months

6 y/o niece walked into my bedroom last night. Her: is this your bedroom? Me: yes Her: where does uncle Skylar sleep? Me: [prepared to explain gay people exist] he sleeps here, too. Her: I meant what side of the bed. Me: oh. That side. Her: ...he has a LOT more pillows than you.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

Overheard my husband say to someone on the phone last night "I already know what I'm getting for Christmas. I've been dropping obvious hints to Eli for months so there aren't any surprises this year" and I am now consumed by the fear of god.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

28 days

I was awoken this morning by my husband screaming the F word, flying out of bed, and then driving away from the house 12 seconds later. I still have no explanation for this. I don't think he even had a shirt on.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

Hello. All of the actors from Friends are now older than the youngest Golden Girl was in that show’s first season. Have a nice day.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

When you're sick but you're also married to a very gay man.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

27 days

UPDATE: he was supposed to give a presentation to a large group of doctors and his alarm didn't go off for some reason. He somehow made it exactly on time "and it was ok." This man has lazy guardian angels watching over him.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

I booked a flight on a tiny airline (the only one that goes to the farm town where I'm visiting family). There are 3 passengers on this flight and the plane is basically a minivan with wings. The pilot just had us play a quick icebreaker game before we took off. 10/10 experience.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

My mother in law had eye surgery yesterday and when we texted my father in law to ask how it went he responded with this photo.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

I just went and talked to her (tried to buy cookies but couldn’t because cash only). I told her I was impressed with how she handled that dude and she just said with perfect comedic timing “you got learn to be pretty tough if you’re gonna go out in THIS outfit!”

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 months

Woah. I wonder if anyone has ever been trapped in the snow there before.

Jonathan Petramala

@jpetramala

2 months

UPDATE: Hundreds of cars stranded on I-80 near the Donner Summit…blizzard winds and heaviest snow of the storm starting. It’s a race to see if they can clear the interstate before cars get too buried. @bclemms #california #snow #blizzard #donnerpass #CAwx

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

We're at a friend's house and my husband just got up and retrieved a watermelon popsicle from their freezer. I asked him how he knew they even had these and he scoffed and said "I store these everywhere." I swear to god.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

This dog, who was born onto a silk pillow and has only ever known comfort, just growled at me because I only gave him one piece of gourmet cheese.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

In 2013 a woman in my ward told me gay marriage is a sin is because sex is meant for procreation so I asked her if Russell Nelson was sinning since he got married in his 80s and she told me it was gross to judge a stranger's "intimacy" and I said "exactly" and she started crying.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 months

We had dinner with my entire family tonight and in the middle of it I discovered they didn't know anything about the Wonka Experience or the Kate Middleton Crisis. I've never been more prepared to rise to the occasion. I should get an Emmy for my performance. I had chills.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 months

Husband ordered food delivery tonight and the dude who brought it accidentally knocked over a pot on our porch and he called to apologize and offered to pay for it and I heard husband say "that could happen to anyone and you are a sweetheart who doesn't need to worry about this."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

I need to vote for her for every office but I think she’s like 12.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

I still can’t process what I just saw. I don’t understand it at all. It was like witnessing the worst miscalculation he was bright red and just went back to his car. Everyone just stood in silence. This girl death stared him all the way through his walk of shame.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says "that's great. What's new with you?" And she says "I just told you." Well, that's my situation every evening in my marriage but it's Kate Middleton.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

Look. I unified the Senate. Now I’m president.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

24 days

In his speech at our wedding my father-in-law read a journal entry they had found from my husband when he was 8. In it he was mad at his family because he had been grounded and he ended the entry with, "one day I'll show them all. I just need to star in one major motion picture."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

In 2012 I had a *terrible* roommate whose mom used to come over and they would sit in our common area and make fun of me in Russian for hours, totally unaware that I speak Russian and when he finally moved out I said goodbye in a full Russian sentence and he nearly shit himself.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

My in-laws have made an Easter egg hunt for us. We are 39 and 34 years old.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

24 days

I once asked my mother-in-law when she knew my husband was gay and she said, "oh honey. That boy came out of the womb and the closet at the same time."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 months

The food delivery guy just dropped this off. I caught him as I was pulling up to the house and he was so sweet. I told him I tweeted about the interaction and that it went viral and he got a kick out of that.

Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 months

Husband ordered food delivery tonight and the dude who brought it accidentally knocked over a pot on our porch and he called to apologize and offered to pay for it and I heard husband say "that could happen to anyone and you are a sweetheart who doesn't need to worry about this."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

I'm visiting my uncle and his dog just got on the treadmill to do his exercises. My uncle said he does this a few times a day. He carries a toy in his mouth the entire time.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

I started crying.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 months

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began "this stupid thing is a musical?!" [Editor's note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

*gotta I was shaking while tweeting because I was so overwhelmed by the whole encounter. If it had been filmed it would have won an Academy Award.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

8 months

My mother just told us she found out a gay couple with a baby moved into their neighborhood so she's going to march over there and befriend them and I just really hope this gay couple is on this app and is ready to live tweet their side of the experience.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

I told my husband this story and he said "oh, if I'm still alive and well at 90 I'm trying heroin."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

Friends, I have not registered a single hint. I have no idea what I was supposed to get this man.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 months

My husband went around last night collecting signatures to have traffic calming measure installed after a kid was hit by a car and when he got home he said the 1st door he knocked was an elderly woman who ended up going to the rest of the houses with him "and now we're besties."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 months

I'm worried the new tmz "Kate Middleton" video is going to get the husbands to lose interest. And we worked really hard to bring them in so it feels kind of unfair.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

6 months

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She's now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

Well this blew up. Here’s my soundcloud.

How to Buy Cookies | Girl Scouts

It's time to buy Girl Scout Cookies! Find in-person booths near you, learn about Digital Cookie online sales, download the official Cookie Finder app, and more!

www.girlscouts.org

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

We live in a neighborhood where there are a lot of senior citizens and since my husband has gone around knocking on all their doors to meet every one of them over the years, it has turned into a situation where they knock on our door to catch up him regularly during the day.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

I just found the photo from that moment.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 months

As an American who doesn't actually care, my favorite part of the Kate Middleton drama is seeing all of the British people who are weirdly loyal to the royal family get upset that we think this is all hilarious.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

28 days

@mattthome Good idea! He's probably doing affairs!

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

We were at dinner with a friend tonight who said she's gone out a few times with a nice guy but she thinks he could be gay so she wanted advice. My husband: when you went to his house did he use lamps or overhead lights? Her: both. My husband: . . . . . . . . he might be bi.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

A few years ago my dogs were invited to a dog birthday party and they all posed for a picture and I just feel like everybody needs to see it.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

I confessed to him I missed the hints and he said "I'm sure whatever you got was perfect 🙂" and I know he's being sincere but I'm somehow even more scared now.

Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

Overheard my husband say to someone on the phone last night "I already know what I'm getting for Christmas. I've been dropping obvious hints to Eli for months so there aren't any surprises this year" and I am now consumed by the fear of god.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 months

One of my favorite things about going to dinner at my parents' house is finding my mom's quilting masterpieces just sitting out, mid project, and seeing her be all like "oh this old thing? I just threw that together with scraps because I was bored" when we acknowledge it.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

10 months

@NotYourNegro68 Both

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

24 days

That little dramatic gay boy grew up and changed very little.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

A foot bath from CVS? Is that what he wants?

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

29 days

Are people really freaked out about spouses sharing their location for convenience? We do this for safety and to cut down on texts. If you are worried about your spouse knowing your location, I am truly sorry and you deserve better.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

This is the plane. This woman in front of me said "this feels like Succession, but for poor people." (Our tickets were $100.)

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 months

Imagine if everyone was like this sweet man.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

I've spent an entire decade chasing that high.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

Years ago I had a client who hired me to defend them after they fired a woman who filed an ageism discrimination complaint against them and in our first meeting I asked them why they let her go and they said "we loved her, but she was just getting really old so we fired her." 🙃

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

On my wedding day I gave my phone to a friend so I wouldn’t have a pocket bulge. She gave it back to me at the end and said “I took photos of people having an authentic time at your wedding.” I thanked her for the thoughtfulness. A few hours later i checked them out. A sampling:

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 months

Also, the guy who called was a sweetheart. I agree with Skylar.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

My Mormon dad was so excited to send me and husband a screenshot today to show us he figured out how to add our gay marriage on Family Search (genealogy website) and I was not ready for how much that affected me.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

Minutes before this she told me she wished "the gays would all get AIDS and die already." I was already pretty convinced I needed to leave, but she really shoved me and a couple of friends out the door. I guess I'm thankful?

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

We landed! As we got off the plane the pilot told us "it's not about the destination, it's about the journey." Absolutely would and will fly with them again.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 months

My husband just caught me intensely zooming in on The Photoshop and he said "dear god. You look like Nicolas Cage on a quest to decode the Declaration of Independence."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

Oh by the way, the pilot called me 2 hours before the flight to ask me my weight and see if I could come a little earlier because they wanted to take off so he could make it home in time for dinner. We left 45 minutes early because everyone was ready when the plane arrived.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

It's really windy so the plane keeps tipping almost on its side. The pilot keeps making sounds like we're riding a roller coaster. This is WILD.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

Why don't we make leap day the biggest of all holidays? It's an extra day we only get like 15 or 20 times in our lives if we're lucky. This should be bigger than Christmas. We should get a week off to recover. There should be annoying traditions around it. Songs, even.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

The Bermuda Triangle has turned out to be less of a problem in my life than I assumed it would be as a child.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

6 months

My grandma was my dear friend and role model. She passed away today at 93. The meanest thing I ever heard her say about anyone was "it's easier for me not to think about that person too often." You know these days will come, but knowing that doesn't manage to make them easier.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

4 years

@suzy_suzeth I hate how often I end up on White People Twitter.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

It might be time to unplug Christianity for a while and then maybe plug it back in. I don't know what else to do at this point.

Peter Williams

@covapologetics

1 month

If you don’t think a 4 month old sins, you’re not reformed.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I'm not very good at any of them, "like cooking for example" and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond "but there are other hobbies you are good at."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

I confessed to him I missed the hints and he said "I'm sure whatever you got was perfect 🙂" and I know he's being sincere but I'm somehow even more scared now.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

@KitCatK8 I wish I remember, but I think it was something like "I'm not sure why you never liked me, or why you and your mother were so rude to me, but I wish you no ill will."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

The plane apparently never goes high enough to lose cell service.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

I've had this bulky piece of furniture in my house for almost 10 years and my husband has always hated it. Last night I finally suggested I might be ready to start thinking about getting rid of it. 12 hours later he had someone backing their car into our driveway to haul it away.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 year

Related, this old video in Ukraine when some girls were talking about me and my friend thinking we couldn't understand them so I made a phone call in Ukrainian to get their reaction.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

Hi. First Amendment lawyer here. A private company deciding not to publish your words can *never* be a violation of the First Amendment and any senator trying to suggest otherwise is counting on you being stupid enough to believe basic consequences are unconstitutional.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

My parents helped transport my grandma's body from California to Utah for the funeral/burial this weekend. I asked my dad how the drive was and he said, "it was ok but she didn't say a word the entire trip." In case you're wondering why I turned out to be an irreverent smartass.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

I told him all the information I knew about the project and said I'd send Skylar up to his house when he got off work to fill in the rest. As he started to leave he said "we're just so happy to have him in the neighborhood. You got a good one!" I'm just the backup dancer.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 years

Thinking about the time in Ukraine when some girls were talking about me and a friend without realizing I speak Ukrainian so I made a phone call in Ukrainian and we filmed them discovering we understood what they were saying over the last hour.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

We were driven to the plane just as it landed and 3 passengers got off. One of them said "it's such a fun flight" to us as we passed him to board like this was a theme park ride.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

16 days

When I was in 6th grade I accidentally knocked over a candy jar and the class laughed at me. Later that day my teacher tripped over a large jar of glue. She was a terrible actor. We all knew she did that on purpose and was trying to make me feel better. I still love her for that.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

My husband called me yesterday in a panic and yelled “have we *ever* changed the furnace filter?!” I told him, yes, every month for 7 years. He gasped and said “you’ve been doing that every month?! What *else* do you do?!” Please help him if I die first.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

Jumping in one more time to tell you one piece of information that seems funny to me now a day later. This flight took off from LAX. All of this pre-boarding and icebreaker experience happened at a massive airport with huge commercial jets all around us.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

15 days

I asked my Swiftie husband if he's nervous he won't like the new album tonight and he said "the thing about being a Swiftie is you just lie to yourself and pretend to like every song until you really do." Seems exhausting, but we love a loyal man.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

6 months

This is one of the last photos I have of grandma. She was feeling sick and asked for lemons because she wanted to make lemon tea. We dropped them by her house and she came out onto the porch and just kept saying "you don't know how much I love you."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

25 days

My phone just reminded me of this photo. It was my husband's first day of medical school 6 years ago and I made him pose for a first day of school picture while we waited for the bus.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

My husband and I met on tinder and then chatted on the phone long distance for 6 weeks before we finally met in person in a hotel lobby where he grabbed and kissed me before saying a single word and then yelled “now let’s go get tacos!” and I just want that for everyone.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 years

My *very* Mormon 89-year-old grandma just gave me this afghan blanket she crocheted for my wedding. She grabbed my wrist and said very seriously “I want you to know I put love in every single stitch for you and Skylar.” To me, this is what being an ally looks like. Happy Pride.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

This plane can seat up to 6. The safety instructions included the pilot, on his knees, pointing out the barf bags and saying completely sincerely, "you can use these but please dear god do not leave them on the plane."

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

The Kate Middleton situation has basically become a full time job no one is paying me for at this point. I feel like someone should be responsible for my benefits. Who is my HR rep? I need someone to develop team building exercises with my coworkers.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

I had a smart ass roommate at BYU who used to play Hit Me Baby One More time on the organ at church as prelude music but he’d alter it to sound like a hymn so only the young people would recognize it and I’d almost go back to church for that.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

Ok but how funny would it be if this is just last thread and I die from this. Please only laugh if I die. It would be hilarious.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

1 month

I have never been more prepared for anything in my entire life.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 months

Shout out to the barista this morning who responded to the woman in front of me who asked what he recommended by saying "probably just drip coffee but only because that's the easiest thing for me to get and I'm kind of hungover." She got drip coffee. We ALL got the drip coffee.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

28 days

@Groovy36754 Thirst trap.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

Recently my grandma told me “the hard thing about being my age is your friends die and no one really mourns it quite enough because they ‘died of old age.’ But the holes they leave are bigger than most because they spent 95 years digging them,” and I have not recovered from that.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

16 days

When I first started dating my husband we would FaceTime each other from our offices and just work in silence for several hours at a time because we didn't want to be apart and now I make him leave the room if he sneezes while I'm trying to concentrate.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 months

My uncle told me to text him when we are right over his house so he knows to leave to come pick me up.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

2 years

I’ve lost followers over this tweet.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

3 years

Husband is tired.

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Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

11 days

We went for a walk with a neighbor tonight and as soon as it started my husband said "OK, let's begin with your best gossip. I don't care the topic and I don't need to know who they are. Dish." And that, my friends, is the actual gay agenda.

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