dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch Twitter profile

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dustin Couch

5 years

the idea that my tweets would make even one person's day a little easier or make them smile during a rough time pisses me off so bad

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Last Seen Profiles

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haunted nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when a couple texted me selfies every night at exactly 3:29 AM

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

why was D.A.R.E an elementary school program. i didn't have access to weed in the 5th grade. i didn't know where it was. i still don't know. where is it

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

one time i shut myself in my room and listened to linkin park while crying because a girl told me she wouldn't be able to go to with me to the 2005 nickelodeon's kids choice awards if i were to hypothetically win tickets in a sweepstakes i saw in a commercial but never entered

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

i hate hotel wifi

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

waiter: anything to drink? JK Rowling: the sorting hat can fuck but chooses not to

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

doctor: i'm afraid i have some bad news me: better than having fox news ;) doctor: hahahaha :) me: i'll be here all week haha :) doctor: haha give or take

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

screenshot time baby

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

[before christian rock was invented] *In mosh pit* wish i could do this for the lord

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

i regret applying for twitter verification

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

i got added to the wrong chat

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

it's that time of year again

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

1 year

I love new twitter

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

weird night on twitter

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

why would anyone pay for this

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

got added to this group chat where nobody responds to me also i can't leave (1/2)

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

1 year

movie marketing has gotten strange

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

1 year

did anyone else get this e-mail from twitter last week?

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

10 months

the internet sucks now

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

doctor: i have some bad news im afraid me: what is it doctor: i just told u. i'm afraid. what if my patients die. what if the big doctor is real. what if there is ghosts me: ghosts ain't real *footsteps approach* *the door creaks open* ghost: what the fuck is the big doctor

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

[1932] *a baby neil armstrong is climbing on the counters* neil armstrong's mom: HEY get down from there [1940] *a rowdy youngster neil armstrong is playing on the roof* neil armstrong's mom: HEY. get down from there [1969] neil armstrong's mom: ,, whaT the fucK

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

boss: i found your twitter. me: ok boss: some posts were concerning. me: ok boss: specifically the one where your boss says he found your twitter me: ok boss: what does the teeth man say me: idk i ran out of characters on that one boss: please just tell me the teeth man:

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 months

i think this app might be dying

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

me: hey why- librarian: shh me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ librarian: they'll hear us me: who is they the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB- librarian: SHH the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

customer: can we get a plate of french fries for the table? me: (first day as a waiter) ahh i don't think we're allowed to feed the tables boss: can i talk to u for a sec me: what's up boss: ur doing a great job. i want those tables to starve.

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

i hate using new apps

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

there's something suspicious about this fanbase

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

(2/2)

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face therapist: please take this seriously. me: ok it's a car therapist: no it's us holding hands :/

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

really disappointed with the way these companies are handling the current pandemic

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

me: what if willy wonka fucked u on his scary boat ride interviewer: i meant do u have any questions about the position me: oh then no. do u have any questions for me? interviewer: yea. it's an interview me: go ahead interviewer: *checks clipboard* how good does he fuck me

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

is this art

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

charlotte's web: SOME PIG everyone: oh wow :) charlotte's 2nd web: FUCK THIS BLEW UP

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

there are a lot of people who think these screenshots of texts that contain a man sending me pictures of him and his gf every night at 3:29 AM, losing his gf, mistaking a fish for his gf, and then thinking a cave is his gf are fake. weird

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

nicholas sparks: my next book is about soulmates who find eachother against all odds publisher: aww. love that :) nicholas sparks: then it's cancer city baby

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

wow cops will arrest u even if u specifically tell them that they better fuckin not

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don't you think so? taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

me: i'll order 7 slices of cheese on a burger i don't give a fuck hot girl: why is my name "hot girl" me: pardon? hot girl: why do I have to be "hot?" need ur followers to know you're on a date with a "hot" girl? can't be seen with plain folk? hot waiter: 7 fucking slices?

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

spelling bee judge: your word is fnndjwudhdbfnnff me: fnndjwudhdbfnnff spelling bee judge: how the fuck did you get that right me: i was dropped on a keyboard as a baby

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 months

wholesome day on the app :) (this is an ADVERTISEMENT meant to SELL you on a PRODUCT that I have been PAID to POST)

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

the weirdest most unnecessary flex i've ever witnessed was me telling my 6th grade teacher that i was paid to be the moderator of an Animal Crossing forum. she didn't know what i meant and also i was lying

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

my favorite groupchat on this app is one with a few of my alt accounts and a guy that i don't know

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

haven't seen my roommate in a couple of days, so i checked his room and found some concerning tabs left up on his computer

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

i got these ads right after telling my roommate that we need milk, cereal and two eggs. what the hell

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

George Orwell warned us about the dangers of technology in 1984 with the famous quote "shits gonna be just like black mirror"

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

me: the twist is the waiter is a murderer waiter: am not her: did you just spoil this tweet me: yea her: i'm gonna fucking kill u just like I did those other people me: wait but I thought it was the waiter waiter: i just serve food her: *choking* waiter: that I poison

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

the worst part about putting your cat down is having to do it 9 times :(

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

please don't dress better than me at my own funeral because that is my last chance to get laid. thank u

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

please understand that everyone is going through something before being rude to them. that cashier you didn't smile at today? i am going to absolutely fuck him up after his shift

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

i was going to wait to post this until i hit 100k followers but i may never get the chance to say it if i don't say it now so

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

ok i finally watched it (1/2)

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

hairstylist: *holds up mirror* do u like it me: bloody Mary bloody Mary bloody Mary hairstylist: not the demon from the mirror world please no. what evil hath you brought into my hair cutting restaurant. lord have mercy on us all bloody Mary: nice haircut did u lose a bet haha

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

not a fan of these kinds of videos

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

me: (at a drawing a little kid made of a tree that I don't even like) love that! I can tell you put so much work into it :) me: (at a movie thousands of people put thousands of hours into that i thought was okay) pure garbage

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

(2/2)

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

shut da fuck up

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

1 year

@spluurmf Jesus christ that reply icon is 1000 feet above the rest of the icons I fucked up

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility peter parker: you're right i should stop crimes with my webs uncle ben (scared): ok.

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

my opinion on any movie is based on whether or not i was 7 years old when i watched it

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

it used to be so easy to sneak into bars when my mom was pregnant with me

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

ＴＨＩＳＩＳＴＨＥＬＡＳＴＤＡＢ．ＷＥＣＡＬＬＩＴＴＨＥＬＡＳＴＤＡＢＢＥＣＡＵＳＥＩＴ＇ＳＴＲＡＤＩＴＩＯＮＡＲＯＵＮＤＨＥＲＥＴＯＰＵＴＯＮＡＬＩＴＴＬＥＥＸＴＲＡ

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

i have more creepypastas i want to post but incase twitter explodes, my handle is @dustinkcouch on every site except the ones i dont know how to use. old posts are going on tumblr/instagram i'll post similar stuff elsewhere once i come up with it. maybe on youtube? or geocities

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

9 months

my username is dustinkcouch on the apps that aren't being demolished. if i get enough followers at the other places i promise will try to come up with better names than like the biggest shoe salesman

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

sometimes i'll like a tweet with over 100k likes without even reading it i trust u guys

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

fuck

The Independent

@Independent

4 years

Nasa to make major announcement about the moon

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

@AdamsUnoriginal left in a mistake where I spelled "Headquarters" like "Headquaters"

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

the reason u can't yell "fire" in a theater is because people are trying to watch a movie dude

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

getting some great feedback today

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

5 years

in space no one can hear you scream because it's drowned out by all the other screaming. space is nothing but screaming

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

7 years

Don't start Twin Peaks at season 3 or u'll be like "what is going on?" Start at the pilot so u can be like "ok seriously what is happening"

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

[1969] neil armstrong's mom: GET DOWN FROM THERE

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

[god creating humans] GOD: give them an expiration date ANGEL: alright GOD: make sure they know they have one ANGEL: uh ok GOD: don't tell them when it is though haha ANGEL: god stop

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

my dad (1998): win your fights with words, son me (2018): *first day as a firefighter* stop it

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

@tevetorbes tv commercials

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

"it was slow" is an unfair criticism of a book. just read the book faster dude

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

7 years

HER: i'm over the moon! ME: (the moon is all i think about) yes i have moved on as well

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

7 years

ME (first day as a firefighter): i'm gonna find the fire that did this to ur house, ma'am

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

3 years

@jazz_inmypants depends on what she needs it for

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

2 years

if twitter dies you can find all the screenshot posts at

dustinkcouch

Follow @dustinkcouch and get more of the good stuff by joining Tumblr today. Dive in!

www.tumblr.com

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

this is crazy but i just found out that if you match my donation to the Minnesota freedom fund ( @MNFreedomFund ) your crush will give you their car and grant you one wish. science backs me up on this and so does god

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

6 years

firefighter: we got a call saying your fire alarm was going off restaurant owner: yeah someone used the emergency exit by mistake. no fires here! me (first day as a firefighter): he's lying. search him

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch

4 years

probably a pipe dream but i've always wanted to ratio myself

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dustin Couch

@Dustinkcouch