Never forget that Roger Goodell watched a video of Ray Rice knocking his gf out cold and initially suspended him 2 games while Calvin Ridley is getting suspended a full season off rip for betting on games he had no involvement or insider info on
My best friend is getting married today. Went out and hit it hard last night. He was hurting so woke up and took what he thought was 3 Advil. Apparently it was 3 Xanax. All time wedding blunder. Getting married at 4:30. He’s sound asleep where all the groomsman are getting ready.
To all my Big Boys out there: Don’t be a weirdo and chill on the beach with a shirt on. Be confident, take the top off and put your self-made man meat on display for the world to see. Wear it loud and proud because you earned it.
#UnitsRespectUnits
Caught a 20 hour twitter suspension for telling some troll that I’d fuck his mom and sister. After serving my time I’d like to apologize to absolutely no one and would like to say I’ll still fuck his mom and sister and make them rub my belly while I do it
BREAKING NEWS: After last nights events I unfortunately have been given a lifetime ban from the Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City, NJ. Still unaware of the reasoning for my expulsion but apparently calling the dealer a “dirty fucking rat“ when he rips 21 with a 6 is frowned upon.
A lot of Patriot fans in their 20s getting a big dose of reality right now. All that fun you used to have? That entitlement to winning? That shits all over. You’re now normal loser fans just like the rest of us. Welcome home.
Crushed my 5 miles this morning and I’m officially down over 50 pounds (the lightest I’ve been since I was 17 years old). Hard work pays off and a mixture of consistency and discipline will make small victories over time become big victories. Just keep pushing
#StepxStep
#SXS
I’m feeling myself so I’m gonna flex a lil bit. I’m down from almost 335 and 4XL shirts to 295 and 2XL shirts. You’re god damn right I’m gonna have a few drinks today and you bet your sweet ass I’m gonna have a burger and a hot dog (no buns) because I deserve it
#StepxStep
#SXS
This is the worst day of my life. I feel like I’m in a bad nightmare but I keep pinching myself and it’s still real. The
@Giants
actually just picked Daniel Jones. I hate everything.
Big Ten students and student-athletes will be on campus in just a few weeks in classrooms, libraries, gyms, dorm rooms, bars and restaurants but not playing football........ I’ve crunched the numbers and the math simply doesn’t add up.
The whole NC State baseball team should go to the rest of the CWS games just to troll the NCAA. The fact that they could go to the game and sit in the stands without a mask but can’t play is preposterous. The NCAA has no idea what the fuck they’re doing. Useless organization.
Woke up to crush 6 miles this morning and started reflecting on the fact that if you told me 3-4 months ago I’d be waking up before 7 am to workout and I’d be down almost 70 pounds I’d say you were crazy. My point is that people can change, physically and mentally
#StepxStep
#SXS
Billy Football just beat Jose Canseco in a boxing match via 1st round KO. That really just happened in real life. This is the best company in the world. Viva.
Two years ago today I graduated from college and I’m doing exactly what I expected to be doing with my degree...... dancing in woman’s clothes for money.
Update: he’s talking and moving, he’s now in the shower and getting ready. Luckily they weren’t high dosage Xanax so things are starting to look up. He knows what happened. None of the bridal party has twitter so please do not tell the bride. It’ll be twitters little secret
Tom Brady Roast Power Rankings:
1) Tony Hinchcliffe
2) Nikki Glaser
3) Andrew Schultz
4) Jeff Ross
5) Julian Edelman
6) Bill Belichick
7) Gronk
8) Ron Burgandy
9) Drew Bledsoe
10) Sam Jay
11) Peyton Manning
12) Bert Kresicher + Tom Segura
13) Randy Moss
14)Kim K
15) Ben Affleck
This may be an unpopular take but I hate snow. I get it’s aesthetically pleasing but as a grown man who doesn’t snowboard or ski, snow does absolutely nothing for me besides inconvenience my life.
The perfect Thanksgiving starts with blacking out Thanksgiving Eve, stumble back home somewhere between 3-5 am. Wake up around 10 and grab a breakfast sandwich. Head over to families house around 12-1 and have a nice antipasta and some shrimp cocktail. Dinner around 3:30-4:30.
Breaking: Jim Harbaugh is leaving Michigan to accept the head coaching job with the Los Angeles Chargers, sources tell ESPN.
The Chargers get their man while the national champions now have a head-coach opening.
Don’t talk shit if you don’t want the smoke. That geriatric fuck shouldn’t have been running his mouth. He picked the wrong one. Ryan Day just walked into his house and shit in his toilet.
Signed a new contract with Barstool. Thank you to
@stoolpresidente
and
@erika_
there’s no one else I’d rather work for and no place I’d rather be. Getting to talk/gamble on sports for a living is a dream come true. Grateful to be a part of the pirate ship. To the moon 🚀🚀
#VIVA
To the mystery man from Michigan who catfished me that ultimately resulted in me getting a full time job at Barstool and flying on a Private Jet to Ann Arbor today: I love you and would love to meet up for a drink if you feel comfortable revealing yourself you sweet prince
Barstool HQ has made the official switch from water bottles to a water cooler. The key to mastering the water cooler life is filling up your cup/bottle all the way and then chugging atleast 1/3 of it and then refilling it to quench your initial thirst but still keep the longevity
Klemmer being so boring that Dave cut the stream ending up being the reason the stream is gonna be incredibly entertaining is why I love Barstool. The moment Klemmer finds out he hasn’t been live for the last 50 hrs is now one of the most anticipated moments in company history.
Update # 3: the cat is out of the bag and surprisingly not from these tweets. His soon to be wife called him to check that he wasn’t too drunk already because he’s a party animal. He said “quite frankly it’s much worse, I took a few Xanax by accident” that’s communication people
About to go in for hernia surgery after a nurse shaves my stomach and pubes. Not exactly thrilled about it. If I die it was a hell of a run. Hopefully I see you guys on the other side. I love you all and god bless.
#StepxStep
#SXS
Another private charter and another confused look through the rear view mirror as the Uber driver pulls up to the gate of the private airport with the fat guy in a Hawaiian shirt in his back seat. I live for that confused look. I cherish it. I’m just as confused as you are pal.
If you’re gonna make changes whether it’s with yourself or within the community, be genuine. Don’t be a fraud like
@MujFricke
I was boots on the ground marching for BLM in my community. He’s made all kinds of ignorant and insensitive remarks. He’s no moral compass.
PSA on behalf of rational thinking fat people: STOP BEGGING FOR EXTRA FREE SEATS ON A PLANE. NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING EXTRA BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT. STOP IT.
Okay now the argument is over. You heard it from the man himself. All the burner accounts with mascots as profile pictures, I hate to break it you, but compared to Joe Burrow your opinion on the matter is irrelevant. “I’m a Buckeye” - Joe Burrow
Hey
@stoolpresidente
just wanted to get a statement from you. You’re rooting for Ohio State right? After two years in a row of Michigan embarrassing the Big Ten on the biggest stage in sports Ohio State has to come save the day once again. As a man of honor I know you’ll do right
Crushed 6 miles this morning for the legend Jared Lorenzen. He lost his life 1 year ago today fighting the same demons I’ve fought my whole life. I couldn’t have lost this weight without his influence. I told myself I’d lose the weight for him and I just hope I’m making him proud
Here’s the facts about Jim Harbaugh. Everyone is in love with the idea of him. The only problem is he’s a big ass crybaby in khaki pants who can’t win a big game to save his life. Every year is Michigan’s year until they get neutered by OSU. Most overrated coach of all-time.
Dwayne Haskins news hit me so hard I didn’t even process how much of a scumbag Schefter was for that tweet. His teammates love him and he brought myself and all Ohio State fans so much genuine joy. Feel honored to have watched him play. Life is so short. This hurts bad.
Our society has gone so soft it’s so sad. Apparently yelling at a player on the sideline now is a step too far. Made a stupid mistake in a crucial moment of course the coach is gonna be pissed and should hold him accountable. Had coaches yell at me worse on the reg in peewee ball
Daboll showing up his quarterback for the cameras instead of waiting three minutes to have this talk in the locker room. Players have to hate this. Saving face for the viewers while losing the respect of your team.
#NYGiants
People talk so much shit about minivans but I’ve personally never once had a complaint about riding in one. They’re simply pleasant to travel in. Truly a delight.
On the plane to Dallas. Realized I had a middle seat last minute. Didn’t panic. Checked the seat map and saw there was one aisle seat open in the back of the plane and slid into it flawlessly. All after consuming a Dion Waiters amount of edibles. Poise. Execution. Victory. ✈️
The fact that we really were good enough is what makes it hurt the most. This team could have won a national title and we let it slip through our fingers. I’m devastated.
The delusion of Harbaugh and the Michigan program is insane. In what world do you become “America’s team” for cheating and getting caught? All the adversity they’re facing is 100% self inflicted.
This is MASSIVE. The boys are pissed off and I love it. Unfinished business. Beat TTUN. Big 10 championship. 2025 national title. If you aren’t with us now I don’t want your congratulations later.