Sarah Dempster @Dempster2000 Twitter profile

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

13 days

✏️Hello! I’ve just finished writing on the current (tremendous) series of R4’s Dead Ringers and am now, quite literally, “available” for all your TV and radio writers’ room needs. Get in touch, as they say, to discuss!✏️

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@Rt_Up

@MRowlandMP

@ChipSa_OW

@ErnestScheyder

@Anton15x

Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

6 months

Happy 7th birthday to the time my parents brought over wine in a plastic box because Mum was “increasingly wary of glass".

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

8 years

Steve Bannon looks like the guy in a sci-fi movie who gets infected by a deadly space virus but refuses to tell the rest of the crew

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

9 years

3yo (in bathroom): Mummy, can I put this sticker on Daddy's card? Me (in bed): Yes. 3yo: Will he love it? Me: Yes. http://t.co/TJepUORQwH

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

The People’s Nonce, there, dressed as the Woking branch of Hobbycraft

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

Awful politicians and their 1972-1981 Doctor Who counterparts (thread):

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

I hope this email finds you alert.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Cunt.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

Hobocop.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

What’s the best insult you’ve ever heard? My favourite: a man in khaki trousers was talking loudly on the bus (in Norwich) and a bloke at the back said “pipe down, Tenko”.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

@SteveDoherty1 21 years ago I reviewed a Meat Loaf gig for a newspaper without attending the gig (I was ill/an idiot). An hour after publication the paper called to inform me that the gig had, in fact, been cancelled. I was sacked. The Sun wrote a piece about it. The headline: “MEAT OAF”.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

8 years

A message of hope from the Norwich Extra

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

14 days

They’re exhuming Thatcher.

Conservatives

@Conservatives

14 days

🚨 STAY TUNED 🚨

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

Top 6 Adrian Chiles columns: I’ve given up wild swimming. So why does my Volvo smell like mince? £11 for a jar of coffee? I got my forearm stuck in a fruit machine in Powys. I buried my father with my bare hands. It’s time we stopped talking about glamping. 1/2

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

The one about flying back from New York to vote in favour of tax credit cuts. ❤️

Andrew Lloyd Webber

@OfficialALW

4 years

With us all spending a bit more time at home, which ALW musical number would you like to see Andrew play? - #TeamALW

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

This morning a woman in my Pilates class guffed explosively then turned to the teacher and said, “Sorry, Becky. I’ve just got back from Lowestoft.”

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

8 months

Apologised to a woman in Primark for bumping into her and my long-suffering 11yo said, “You don’t say sorry in Primark, Mum. It’s not a place of forgiveness.”

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

Can’t read “Raab” without hearing Scooby-Doo alerting Shaggy to the presence of a crab.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 months

Geoff Capes

Gavin Thomas

@gavinthomas2015

4 months

Apparently, if you can see a panda, you're left-brained, and if you can see two turtles swimming, you're right-brained. What do you see?

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

Man in park shouting “This is your choice, Peter” at a squatting dachshund.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

@MattHancock I’ve got a tenner on Second Wave in the 1.15pm at Newmarket.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

DOWN WITH THIS THING SORT OF

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

The icing on the cake is the knowledge that inside the helmet is a freshly prepared marmalade sandwich ❤️

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 months

Barry Keoghan’s been in my mum’s garden again

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

Not usually one for conspiracy theories but look closely at the teeth - it’s not her #FakeMelania

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

7 years

I replaced the characters in Guess Who? with 24 Norfolk County Council Conservative councillors

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

6 years

Jacob Rees-Mogg. With your face like a consumptive chimney. Like an abandoned B-road. Like a whittled posset. Like a vertical whisper. Like a spatchcocked flute. Like a hangman’s baguette.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

7yo: I’ve drawn a lovely dog. Me: Brilliant. What’s its name?

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

Noel Edmonds: a thread of horror. Carrie (Dir: Brian De Palma, 1976)

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

Reich Said Fred

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

Sex with Boris Johnson. Christ. Like being bodyslammed by Great Uncle Bulgaria on a chaise longue.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

6 months

i see your mum’s taxi has arrived

Kaptan Hindustan™

@KaptanHindustan

6 months

Foundry truck for moving hot slag/molten metal

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

Half Ma’am Half Brisket

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

Like a pencil made of horse.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

@Daily_Express Than what? Sedimentary rock?

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 months

I got chiles They’re multiplying

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

Happy 10th birthday to the time my sister-in-law asked her Yr 3 pupils “What would you say if you could talk to a farm animal?” and a boy wrote this -

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Cunt.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

If the young Michael Gove had been a character in Grange Hill he’d have been trampled to death by the school donkey.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 months

A stunning tribute to the patron saint of urinary tract infections 🙏🏻❤️

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

7 months

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

3 years

To all of those who have asked, I will not be going to the Inauguration on January 20th.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

7 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

Farage up at dawn to welcome the Djokovic family into the U.K. 👍🏻🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

9 months

Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actiony wactions.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

Brexit, perused by a Blair.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

What’s the most hauntingly specific insult you’ve ever received? I once made a joke about Dennis Waterman’s dentures and a man wrote to tell me I was “obviously lonely”.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

@TheFloodDefence A man in khaki trousers was talking loudly on the bus (in Norwich) and a bloke at the back said “pipe down, Tenko”.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 months

[to the tune of Eleanor Rigby] Jonathan Gullis Eating a platter of cheese while ignoring the grapes Looks like Geoff Capes

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

7 years

My parents have brought over wine in a plastic box because Mum is "increasingly wary of glass".

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

6 months

The Advocate

@TheAdvocateMag

6 months

A Second Gay Congressional Staffer Was Filmed Having Sex in a Capitol Building

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 months

Seems a bit harsh.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

@StefanMolyneux Claw wordlessly at the windows of the local soft play centre like the ghost of a Victorian orphan.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

Get, and I cannot stress this enough, tae fuck.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 months

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 months

If eating pickled eggs in a Honda Civic had a face

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

7 months

a touching tribute to our saviour, the lord jesus crust

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 months

A reminder that if the young Michael Gove had been a character in Grange Hill he’d have been trampled to death by the school donkey.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 months

The power of Crufts compels you.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 months

Tim Martin looks like what you’d find in the hoover if you accidentally vacuumed Norfolk.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

7 months

7 reasons why The Thing (1982) is a Christmas film: 1) snow 2) bearded men concealing surprises 3) compulsory party games 4) introverts shunning group activities 5) digestive issues 6) revellers bursting open to reveal partially assimilated canine lifeforms 7) knitwear

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

13 days

If eating pickled eggs in a Honda Civic had a face

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

feel like pure shit just want fascism back x

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

But what if Greta Thunberg was a man? Or an amphibious combat vehicle? What if she was a YORKSHIRE TERRIER and her tights were stuffed with HAMMERS and she was travelling the world to fight CHIPS? What then, eh? WHAT THEN.

David Quinn

@DavQuinn

5 years

If a Greta-like teenager was organising school strikes and travelling the world to fight abortion, I wonder what we would make of her and if she would get 1pc of the publicity?

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

THAT’S NUMBERWANG #BrexitVote

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

Stop pretending Dr Birx is helpless, or sad, or “struggling with her conscience”. Sitting in uncomfortable silence while Trump bangs on about bleach doesn’t make her a victim. It makes her a complicit sack of shit.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

17 days

Still haven’t forgiven him for what he did to Thomas Cromwell.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 months

There’s an antiques emporium in Norwich of such unfathomable strangeness every visit produces fresh gasps of bewilderment and terror. Today’s finds: 1. Mounted photo print of depressed steam train driver (£1)

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

10 months

Bloke in Tesco is telling his mate the job’s definitely in the bag, right, cos the interviewer couldn’t resist “my self-defecating sense of humour”.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

brexit: caught between a cock and a hard face

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

6 months

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

9 months

Jean-Paul Sartre died in 1980. Incredible to think he may have seen the film “Every Which Way But Loose”.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

11 months

Like an ossified Nik Nak.

Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

Like a pencil made of horse.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

6 years

There’s very little that annoys me in life, but billionaires suing the NHS really does.

Richard Branson

@richardbranson

6 years

There’s very little that annoys me in life, but people turning up late really does. Punctuality shows organisation and respect for others

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

1 year

Why is the writing on shampoo bottles getting smaller? Baboons stole my plimsolls at Longleat. Should I tell the postman he has halitosis? My first wife wouldn’t let me wear shorts. I blocked the pub toilet. Now my dog barks when I say Dundee. 2/2

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

3 years

is it because it’s darkly dystopian

Stylist Magazine

@StylistMagazine

3 years

Keira Knightley’s new darkly dystopian Christmas comedy isn’t the festive feel-good film you’ll be expecting #SilentNight

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

@Nigel_Farage "Radicalised"? It was a milkshake, mate, not a flanged mace.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 months

“Well, Liz? Have the lambs stopped screaming?”

Liz Truss

@trussliz

2 months

Happy Easter! ✝️

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

9 months

Backbench barn owl Peter Bone MP captured here in the process of emitting a pellet

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

he looks like he's won himself in a raffle

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

Alternative terms for gammon:

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

9 months

smear test tomorrow

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 years

The real tragedy is that Nicholas Witchell has no idea he’s about to be sacrificed in a giant wicker corgi.

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

The Forgettysburg Address

The Hill

@thehill

5 years

President Trump: "The Continental Army suffered a bitter winner at Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown. Our Army manned the air, it ran the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do."

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

5 years

Why do they all look like embattled market stallholders embroiled in a decades-long spat with Ian Beale

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

4 years

He looks like the bloke in CeX they keep out the back because his body spray keeps setting off the fire alarm

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

2 months

KEN ALLEN

Fascinating

@fasc1nate

2 months

Ken Allen, the orangutan from San Diego Zoo, escaped his enclosure three times in the 1980s. His apparent goals were visiting other animals, throwing rocks at a despised orangutan rival, and taking photos with tourists. He never acted aggressively towards anyone during his

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Sarah Dempster

@Dempster2000

10 days

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