David KC @DavidMuttering Twitter profile

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

I was in charge of cheese and biscuits last night. I am 47 years old.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Be fair to Liz Truss. A Prime Minister cannot resign after 42 days. It has to be 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67 etc

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

29 days

When you’re surprised at the efficacy of a Robin.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

I'm about to ask a very stupid question. Can someone with some photoshop skills make my profile photo Christmassy. I'm going to regret this.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

“Cake Decorations! Coming over the hill! Hundreds and thousands of them.”

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

9 months

She sells Shell shares, screws the seashore?

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

9 months

Theresa Villiers: Ex-environment secretary failed to declare Shell shares

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

The moral of the story - don't take on tofu. The curds always get their whey.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

NEWS JUST IN: Prime Minister to wash his hands of responsibility for Covid infections as part of new Pilate scheme.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 months

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 months

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

4 months

Council looks at fencing to save migrating toads

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

6 months

J’Accuzzi

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Five minutes into our walk, and Willoughby refuses to go any further without snacks.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

🎶"Spider brooch, spider brooch, Giving Johnson a stern reproach"🎶

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

People are just brilliant. Thank you, Twitter. The response to this has been amazing - and I’m delighted that it’s cheered so many people. I now have the joyously onerous task of choosing a new profile pic.

David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

I'm about to ask a very stupid question. Can someone with some photoshop skills make my profile photo Christmassy. I'm going to regret this.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

19 days

He’s been! He’s been!

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

That Met Questionnaire: 1. What computing word also means religious imagery (4) 2. What hat did Tommy Cooper wear (3) 3. What was Pippin’s surname in LoTR (4) 4. What word is missing from “without _____ or reason” (5) Now phone the Met, and read the answers one after another.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Good morning from the parakeets of St. James’s Park.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

8 months

Typical. They wouldn't have made her do that if she were a man.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Nadine Dorries is an anagram of Inane Disorder. Everything else flows from that.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Trussian Roulette (n) - A game where the Prime Minister goes on six local radio shows at random for an easy ride, but finds that none of them are firing blanks.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

We’ve even been abandoned by the World Health Organisation.

The Independent

@Independent

4 years

The Who postpone UK tour due to coronavirus

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Pizza delivery man just said “Hope you guys have a good evening” after wrongly deducing from the size of my order that there was more than one of me.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Nigel is going to propose.

Nigel Farage

@Nigel_Farage

4 years

I am releasing another bombshell video on Sunday evening at 5pm. It’s not good news for @PritiPatel I’m afraid.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Interestingly, the word ‘vaccine’ comes from the Latin ‘vacca’ meaning ‘cow’, because since the late 18th Century vaccines have been used to cow the populace into submission with microchips.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 year

We’re now into December and it seems a good time to remember this time last year when Twitter did my favourite thing ever. If you need a bit of cheer, have a scroll through this piece of perfect craziness.

David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

I'm about to ask a very stupid question. Can someone with some photoshop skills make my profile photo Christmassy. I'm going to regret this.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

10 months

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man who has just travelled nine hours pops out again to Sainsbury’s because it’s the cat’s 18th birthday.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

9 months

Why is it called Cornwall and not “pasty duchy on the left hand side”?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

8 months

24 hours is my guess, lads.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Suggestion for @BarristerSecret : Can you next blogpost please start: “Dear EU, Please may I revoke that Article 50 thing as we’ve made a big hash of it and need to go away and have a think about what to do next. Oh, and I resign the leadership of the Conservative Party too.”

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

How to not understand irony and not read posts properly. A lesson in one act, for all those tempted to be mean to @BarristerSecret :

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

8 months

Absolutely devastated to learn that some absolute c*nt has cut down the Sycamore Gap tree on Hadrian’s Wall overnight. It’s barely a month since I visited it with @ExcelPope but it had stood for hundreds of years.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Bookshops are now rationing. I wanted to get biographies of all prominent rap artists ever - but they would only let me buy Tupac’s.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Fantastic. Missed. Ha, Fox.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

After all the Brexit promises and all the talk of fishing, I've trawled through 2,000 pages of the deal and I cannot find any net benefit.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

My diagnosis is Acid Reflux. That’s why Philip’s pH has dropped.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 year

One does not simply walk into Mordaunt.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

@WelshDalaiLama Absolute bastard.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

I’m trying to work out an easy way to convert the 2 metre social distancing rule into imperial measurements, but it’s just a bit more than I can fathom.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Not content with its Big Brother style banning of Trump, Twitter is now encouraging people to wish they could fly right up to the sky, when they can’t. It’s positively Orvillian.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Well played, the Canal and River Trust.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

I see Bristol is harbouring slavers again.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

A Very Exciting Night tonight, that I’ve looked forward to for ages. After living in apartment blocks for 20 odd years, I’m now in a house and it’s ... MY FIRST BIN NIGHT. #binnight

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 year

Today I have finished the trial I have been doing and so I can finally admit that these were my trousers.

David Brown

@DavidhBrown

1 year

If any barrister has left Southwark crown court without their pinstripe trousers, they are hanging up in the gentleman's lavatory on floor 4.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

“So, do you come here often?”

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 year

That’ll teach the BBC to employ strikers.

Ian Wright

@IanWright0

1 year

Everybody knows what Match of the Day means to me, but I’ve told the BBC I won’t be doing it tomorrow. Solidarity.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Seeing a lot of comment about Laurence Fox and how he and the Fox family are so privileged and how it's wrong for them to be speaking about discrimination and oppression, because the Foxes have always had it easy. Have we forgotten the events of Boxing Day already?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Used to be "The Duke of York"

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 month

Tonight we remember Konrad Adenauer who invented and gave his name to British Summer Time.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

7 months

Groups of 52 year olds hanging around outside a Costcutter, trying to persuade a 54 year old to go in and buy them some fags.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Did you know that the new edition of the dictionary now spells ‘gggggullible’ so it begins with 5Gs?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

To be fair to Darren, I didn't understand how administrative law worked until I studied law.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Thank you to everyone for their (generally) kind birthday wishes yesterday. I think this card, from my mum, nicely sums things up.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

9 months

ME: I’ve done a silly pun about Cornwall and a song by Musical Youth, but at least no-one could find it offensive TWITTER: Challenge Accepted

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

If the toilet paper does run out, we will have to find something else to use in lieu.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 months

Does it count as moved in when you’ve only unpacked the cat?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Good morning from this squirrel, who threatened to send the boys round if I didn’t pony up a couple of hazelnuts.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

10 months

Tuna steak went down well folks, though she couldn’t be persuaded to blow the candles out.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

26th January 2021 - Chris Grayling put in charge of ensuring the survival of hedgehogs 27th January 2021 - Disaster and calamity for hedgefunds Is it possible that Chris might have misheard?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

@blackpoolcomedy I know you’ve tried to remove personal details, but leaving in ‘Facebook textses’ is a GDPR breach as it makes it obvious this was Gollum.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

The current Magpie rhyme: One for sorrow, Two for joy, Three for a breach of Article 7 of The Health Protection (Coronavirus, Restrictions) (England) Regulations 2020

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Twitter, a plea. Let’s all be kinder and nicer. Today alone I’ve seen friends being mocked for worrying about losing their pet, and told off for swearing. The near future will be hard - let’s be kind to each other. And tell silly jokes. Make this place help, not hurt. Xx

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Dominic Cummings drove to Barnards Castle to test his eyesight, but Boris Johnson just used a distant font.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Oh no! Disaster! Revenue and Customs have just phoned me with an automated message. If I do not call them on 02039174758, a prosecution will begin against me in my local county courthouse. Are there any decent lawyers out there who might be able to call on my behalf?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Are you resolving to be a better person next year? Make it more achievable by spending today being the very worst person you can be.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Stopped in Portrush for a spot of brunch before heading to Giant’s Causeway. It’s a bit chilly but the toilets are very inclusive.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

I have pretty well been WFH for the last two weeks, and I’m happy to report that I have saved around £23,000 by not buying coffee.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

He owned the bottom one, but the top one was just a higher car.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Dear Twitter, I’ve been Home Alone for a month now, and with no real life contact with anyone. Not seen my OH at all. Or Dayve the Cat. If not for you lot, I’d be going stark raving bonkers. Or bonkerser, at least. Thanks, everybody. You’re great.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 month

He was framed.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

The couple next to me on the bus are playing a word finding game on a phone. For the last two minutes they’ve been trying to work out if “IMP-ly” is a word meaning “like an imp”. It is doing my head in.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

When there’s a wonderful view of sunrise on Wimbledon Common from your favourite bench, but it’s only accessible by boat.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

@GaryLineker @Arsenal Wouldn't that just look like they were taking the Mkhi?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

8 months

Looking forward to when there’s a suspected serial killer and loads of people come on Twitter and say they don’t believe he’s a serial killer because he hasn’t murdered them.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

It is Dayve’s 17th Birthday today. There will be tuna. There have already been Dreamies. And her first driving lesson is tomorrow.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

I've seen a number of people mention their suspicions that Allison may not have two friends, but to be fair to her, she doesn't say that they are HER friends, does she?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

5 years

A year ago last Saturday I saw a circular rainbow for the very first time, at Victoria Falls in Zambia. It was one of the most wondrous things I've ever seen.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

6 years

..-. .- -- .. -. . .-- .- .-. .--. . ... - .. .-.. . -. -.-. . and -.. . .- - .... The Four Morsemen of the Apocalypse

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

This is an appalling clickbait headline, @BBCNews , akin to ‘Fred West imprisoned for building a patio without planning permission’. Imprisonment was for perverting the course of justice, not the underlying lockdown infraction.

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

2 years

Man jailed after serving mince pies in lockdown

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

But who’s going to read it to him?

Nigel Farage

@Nigel_Farage

3 years

Expecting a big story later. Keep an eye out after 10pm.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 months

@BarristerSecret I’m sorry SB, but there’s been an amendment since that version.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

11 months

"I'm hearing that Wagner have left the M4 and are now at the Chiswick Roundabout"

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

You rail against the joke explainers, and then their target audience appears.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

The only explanation for ‘Frorida’ is that Scooby-Doo is dictating Trump’s tweets to him. Come to think of it, that would explain quite a lot...

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

At court for the first long trial since becoming a QC and I'm really seeing the benefit. This silk gown swishes around corners SO much more satisfyingly than the cotton one did.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Interpretive Dance. Please let it be Interpretive Dance.

Cordelia Lynch

@CordeliaSkyNews

4 years

BREAK: WH official says there are discussions within the White House about whether the President will address the American public in some form today. No final decision has been made. #TrumpCovid

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

This is weird. A late birthday card from my mum arrived today, mangled in apologetic plastic - a torn @MooseAllain card in a ravaged envelope with an odd precisely sliced tenner. I sent this photo to my mum. Her reply - “There was no money in that envelope when I posted it…”

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Given the recent popularity of made up legal facts, I thought I’d start a thread. Do join in: FACT: To Kill a Mockingbird star, Atticus Finch, decided to train as a lawyer to help his brother Hal, who had unfortunately become synonymous with stealing.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Whateley and Lewis go simultaneously, leaving Inspector Morse high and dry.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

11 months

90 days is almost two Liz Trusses

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

@BarristerSecret Trial by wombat is a close cousin to the kangaroo court.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

I can’t tell whether Dayve is cleaning her paw, or has just remembered in horror that she’s left the iron on.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 year

Dayve gets her evening feed not before 6pm. At 5.58pm I heard a thump, as if a slightly hefty cat had jumped off the bed where they'd been asleep all day. At 5.59pm this face peered around the door where I'm working. HOW DOES SHE TELL THE TIME LIKE THIS?

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

Stunningly beautiful morning on Wimbledon Common.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Do we have a name for the scandal surrounding Trump’s FBI search yet? #Margate

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

2 years

Dog walkers on Wimbledon Common - please ensure that your dog is at least 4-5 metres away from you at all times so that it is clear I am saying hello to them, not to you.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

1 year

Just made the mistake of doing a task that I hadn't written on my list of tasks and now I've got nothing to triumphantly cross off.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

3 years

Whereas ‘Putting Small Stickers on Drainpipes’ is a symbol of heroism and triumph.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

“Math is not a four letter word” they say on CNN and everyone in the UK agrees.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

11 months

Killer whales don't randomly damage boats near Gibraltar - they orca strait attacks.

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David KC

@DavidMuttering

4 years

You have a fox, a chicken and a baseball bat. You must cross a river with only one of them at a time. If you leave the fox with the chicken he will eat it; if you leave the bat with the fox it will beat him to death. How can you get all three across safely?

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